The Graveyard of Good and Evil (Ep. 7)

0:00:05 Brennan: Zayn Darkshadow stands back and covers himself in magic and vanishes.

0:00:10 Riz: This is for those girls, you son of a bitch!

0:00:12 Murph: And I stab him through his fucking brainstem. (hum of electronics powering down)

0:00:15 DJ Brainzz: Th-th-that's all.

0:00:21 Brennan: DJ Brainzz collapses to the stage.

0:00:24 Riz: Sorry guys, it's everyone's curfew. Everyone go home.

0:00:27 Jawbone: I have lycanthropy, you can go to a healer about it.

0:00:31 Adaine: Okay, well, maybe you should go to a healer about it.

0:00:33 Jawbone: I don't have healthcare.

0:00:35 Riz: There's some guidance counselor positions opened at our school.

0:00:38 Brennan: Jawbone looks like, hey, this is the first lucky break I've had in a while.

0:00:41 Ally: Oh no.

0:00:42 Brennan: You make it to Seacaster Manor.

0:00:44 Bill: You've gotten yourself into some kind of scrap then, have you?

0:00:46 Fabian: Yes, we did.

0:00:48 Bill: Keep playing, lass!

0:00:49 Fig: Okay.

0:00:50 Bill: We'll sing 'til the sun rises. [END RECAP] (drumming music)

0:01:02 Brennan: Hello, and welcome back to Fantasy High. I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan, these are our intrepid adventurers. Say hello, intrepid adventurers.

0:01:08 All: Hello, intrepid adventurers!

0:01:10 Brennan: Uh, fucking dorks. Last we left off--

0:01:13 Siobhan: Fucking leave me hanging, why don't you? (laughing)

0:01:16 Brennan: Last we left off, y'all were in Seacaster Manor having a lovely time with Fabian's dad, Bill and his crew of pirates.

0:01:25 Emily: Um, and his mom.

0:01:27 Siobhan: Yeah, his hot mum.

0:01:28 Brennan: And his mom.

0:01:29 Lou: Please leave my mother out of our interactions.

0:01:31 Brennan: You guys haven't seen much of Hallariel, she's been in her sensory deprivation egg.

0:01:35 Lou: She's been in her sensory deprivation egg.

0:01:37 Brennan: So, the sun rises over Elmville. Far away, the tape around the crime scene of the Black Pit is going up, and police are investigating what may or may not have happened there, pretty wild fucking event. However, you guys are all on a giant wooden balcony, with an elaborate gilded balustrade and this amazing red velvet curtain's blowing in the wind. You've been up all night. (group groaning)

0:02:04 Emily: Why, just 'cause we're so amped from battle?

0:02:07 Brennan: Bill Seacaster has not allowed you to go to sleep.

0:02:10 Lou: Yeah.

0:02:11 Emily: Hell yeah.

0:02:11 Brennan: He has fed you and plied you with liquor and--

0:02:13 Ally: Oh!

0:02:14 Emily: Ooh, okay!

0:02:17 Brennan: You see that he is out on the balcony looking off into the distance, and you see that he sort of thumps his hand into the table in front of him, going like...

0:02:30 Bill: [mumbled singing] And roll the old chariot along. We'll roll the old chariot (laughs)

0:02:37 Emily: My fingers are blistered from playing sea shanties.

0:02:40 Kristen: Are you okay, Fig?

0:02:41 Fig: Yeah, I'm fine. It's cool, it's whatever, it's whatever.

0:02:44 Bill: Alright, well, I suppose you children will be having some school this day. (snorts) Won't you?

0:02:49 Fabian: Papa!

0:02:50 Bill: What?

0:02:51 Fabian: You're not supposed to, we talked about keeping that--

0:02:53 Bill: A little bit of snuff powder, what's the problem with that?

0:02:55 Fabian: You're not supposed to do it in front of guests!

0:02:56 Bill: It's good!

0:02:57 Fig: Can I have some?

0:02:58 Fabian: No, you--

0:02:59 Bill: [with increasing volume] Absolutely, because when you have a guest in your home, they are welcome to what is yours!

0:03:04 Fabian: Papa, I don't want all my friends coming over here thinking they can get snuff powder from you!

0:03:08 Fig: Dude, your dad just dunked on you.

0:03:10 Fabian: Dad, do not dunk on me.

0:03:12 Fig: You got dunked on.

0:03:13 Bill: [dangerously low] We did not raise a man to not ply his friends with liquor and snuff powder.

0:03:19 Fabian: [exasperated] Fine, ply my friends with snuff powder.

0:03:21 Bill: Fig, you'd be my guest. Please enjoy.

0:03:24 Brennan: And he takes a little, sort of like a bust, of like a sea drake on it, little like blue thing on a little silver box.

0:03:30 Bill: You can keep the box if you like.

0:03:32 Fig: Yeah, I will.

0:03:33 Riz: Fig, that's illegal. What you're doing is illegal.

0:03:36 Fig: Why do you--

0:03:36 Bill: That's a good point. So enjoy it all the more!

0:03:37 Fabian: Thank you, the Ball. Finally, the Ball contributes!

0:03:41 Fig: Why do you think I'm doing it? (snorts)

0:03:43 Kristen: Whoa.

0:03:44 Bill: Now, the point being this--

0:03:46 Fig: I just did drugs.

0:03:47 Gorgug: Did that burn?

0:03:48 Fig: Yeah, a little bit. My nose is bleeding on the inside.

0:03:51 Riz: What does it, what does it do?

0:03:53 Bill: (laughing) Well, it keeps you up! It wakes you right up! We've been up all night drinking, we need a little bit of snuff powder to put the fight back in us, don't we?

0:04:00 Kristen: I'll do it, 'cause I don't judge.

0:04:02 Fabian: No!

0:04:03 Fig: Yeah!

0:04:04 Bill: That's what I like to hear.

0:04:04 Fig: Get in on it, Kristen.

0:04:06 Kristen: (snorts) Oh, thank you! (laughing)

0:04:09 Bill: Didn't you, did you enjoy it? Have you done it before?

0:04:10 Kristen: I, oh, I loved it. You know what? I'm cool, and you can always invite me 'round.

0:04:16 Siobhan: I'm gonna do a Perception check on Kristen, to see if she actually did some or whether she faked it.

0:04:20 Kristen: Hmm?

0:04:22 Siobhan: 5. (laughs)

0:04:24 Brennan: Uh, she for sure did it. Yeah, 100%. (laughing)

0:04:27 Kristen: I'm, uh, buzzing.

0:04:29 Bill: Now that's an interesting point that your friend brought up here, and I'm sorry, 'cause I'm just having a little bit of a thought about it as I say it.

0:04:33 Fabian: Oh my god, Papa.

0:04:34 Bill: No, it's a, rather, listen here now. It's an interesting point.

0:04:37 Fig: I'm fascinated by this.

0:04:38 Bill: Now, you just mentioned that that's illegal, right? But, of course, the fascinating thing about laws is that they are a fiction invented by the weak to annoy and harass the powerful.

0:04:48 Fig: He's so true. Also, do the laws apply if we're in a boat, which we are right now?

0:04:52 Kristen: "He's so true." Are you listening to yourself? (laughing)

0:04:56 Bill: Now, all I'm saying is this. There is one law, and one law only. (sword zinging) That's the law of the blade.

0:05:04 Fabian: Oh, Papa.

0:05:05 Bill: The law of the blade. As old as war and time itself. The very first thing that crawled out of the sea knew this one rule. It is kill or be killed.

0:05:11 Fabian: Ugh!

0:05:17 Fig: Damn bitch, yeah!

0:05:19 Riz: We have kind of been living by that law.

0:05:20 Kristen: I mean, yes.

0:05:21 Gorgug: Yeah, it's true.

0:05:22 Bill: Now, who would like an omelet?

0:05:23 All: I would.

0:05:23 Fig: Me!

0:05:25 Bill: Cathilda! Uh, so-- (laughing) Talk to me a little bit about this battle last night. How did it go? Tell me, I'm so excited. So Fabian, you leapt in, you saw who had the gold, you put rapier to the throat, and then walk me through the rest.

0:05:43 Fabian: There wasn't as much of the-- I, uh, well, we started out separate, so I had, uh, was with Adaine at the front of the Black Pit, and then I ran in, and I saw all of my friends, and I dodged, I delicately dodged two werewolves, and then I ran and I smashed through a glass pane, and then I vaulted a bar, and then I vaulted out of the bar, and all the while dodging undead, and then I shot DJ Brainzz with a hand crossbow. But it was actually the Ball who did most of the killing.

0:06:15 Riz: [offering his hand to shake] I was the one who gave you the business card.

0:06:17 Bill: Right, I remember. Now, someone steadily pace me through here. You said you were with your young wizard friend here.

0:06:28 Fabian: Yes.

0:06:29 Bill: And you ran.

0:06:31 Adaine: He ran towards the fight.

0:06:32 Fabian: Yes, toward the fight, yes.

0:06:33 Bill: Alright, away from the wizard.

0:06:36 Fabian: Yes. Well, I assumed the wizard would join me, but then the wizard did not join me.

0:06:42 Bill: Alright. Now, why wasn't that expressed to one another?

0:06:49 Fabian: Uh, we, I mean--

0:06:51 Bill: Where was the, where was your healer the whole time?

0:06:54 Kristen: I, uh, I caught up with a new friend. She's so cool.

0:07:01 Gorgug: Then she fell down, she was knocked out for a while.

0:07:03 Fabian: Yeah, she was also a werewolf.

0:07:05 Kristen: Yeah, I got a--

0:07:06 Riz: I'm thinking about taking a first aid class, because our healer's been getting knocked out a lot.

0:07:09 Adaine: Yeah, I think I need to learn--

0:07:11 Bill: Your healer has been getting knocked out a lot?

0:07:14 Kristen: I was pretty much instantly knocked out, and I had the craziest dream. I went up on a green hill--

0:07:19 Bill: Now, I am afraid I'll have to intercede here for a moment. Y'all haven't been skipping your classes in adventuring school, have you?

0:07:27 Fig: Well, technically I've been going to barbarian classes, even though I'm not one.

0:07:32 Fabian: Well, there are things afoot that, uh, have been putting our studies--

0:07:37 Bill: Alright, look here, walk me through here. Now, why did you draw steel last night?

0:07:43 Adaine: Um, they seemed scary.

0:07:45 Gorgug: Everything--

0:07:46 Bill: They seemed scary? So your objective--

0:07:47 Adaine: I mean, I wasn't there, I just, I was in the other--

0:07:50 Bill: No, let me understand. So your objective was to draw weaponry until it got less scary?

0:08:00 Kristen: Uh, no, we went in to find a dude.

0:08:02 Fabian: Yeah.

0:08:03 Emily: Um, I'm gonna, okay. I'm getting a little paranoid from my snuff, so I'm gonna do a Perception check on him, or like an Insight check, 'cause I don't like that he's asking all these questions.

0:08:12 Brennan: Sure, go for it.

0:08:15 Emily: It's gonna be a big fat, real fat, fat, fat, fat 8.

0:08:20 Brennan: Uh, you, I'm gonna shoot you straight. Even if you had rolled very well, Bill Seacaster's mind is a constant storm of emotion, and trying to get a bead on a guy who seems to be hair-trigger in every single interaction that he has would be next to impossible.

0:08:38 Emily: Okay.

0:08:38 Brennan: Um, you see he says,

0:08:42 Bill: I want to be very clear. All of your work is remarkable. You're walking out here all whole and healthy after having gone into the Black Pit full of vampires and werewolves. I understand that. And I won't take it away from you. There are two kinds of men in this world.

0:09:02 Fig: (coughs) And women.

0:09:02 Bill: What?

0:09:04 Fig: (coughs) And women.

0:09:05 Gorgug: Are you saying--

0:09:06 Bill: That's on me. Hold on. That's on me. There are two kinds of people in this world.

0:09:11 Fig: Thank you. (coughs) Thank you.

0:09:13 Bill: No, no, it's alright. And thank you for correcting me. I'm an old dog, but I can learn new tricks, and I speak in a little bit of an archaic vernacular. I appreciate you having the courage to check me on something that was honestly not alright. [yelling] And if you speak again out of turn, I'll slit ya like a fish!

0:09:29 Fabian: [quietly] Papa, please.

0:09:33 Bill: Now, there's two kinds of people in this world. Them's that fight for blood, and them's that fight for gold. One who fights for blood is a dead man right away, or woman. He sees only combat for its own sake. Now those men that come to my ship, they'd ask for crew, they'd ask, say, put me in first mate, and I could see that the love for blood was gonna put them into a grave. Soon. I have no use for dead men, only men that can make me richer. Now, a man who fights for gold is a man who knows why he's fighting, or a woman. And that's what matters. Also, now that I'm thinking about it, I had a clay construct on my ship, and I've also had a sort of fire energy being, that both of them were genderless, and they're also both excluded by that.

0:10:33 Fig: Yes, you could probably be even more inclusive.

0:10:34 Bill: By men or women.

0:10:34 Fig: Yeah.

0:10:35 Bill: That's right.

0:10:36 Fig: Even people is kind of exclusive.

0:10:38 Bill: That's right, I've had things that weren't people.

0:10:40 Fig: Yeah.

0:10:41 Bill: One time we had a tornado that just helped. (laughing)

0:10:44 Riz: And you made the tornado part of the crew?

0:10:47 Bill: The tornado conducted a share of the wealth, I hope it was part of the crew!

0:10:50 Kristen: That’s, Wow.

0:10:51 Bill: We cut the tornado in!

0:10:52 Riz: Very generous of you.

0:10:52 Kristen: Wow.

0:10:53 Bill: The tornado served on 'bout four, five missions with us.

0:10:55 Gorgug: What do tornadoes like?

0:10:57 Bill: Gold. That tornado was extremely slow by the end of those five missions, it was so stuffed with gold.

0:11:03 Gorgug: Just a bunch of gold swirling… (laughing)

0:11:05 Bill: A bunch of gold swirling around for the most part.

0:11:06 Adaine: I mean, I suppose that's pretty dangerous. I mean, gold is heavy, and moving at a fast rate...

0:11:10 Bill: No, absolutely! Every time the tornado got richer, it then became far more deadly.

0:11:14 Fabian: I mean, you said the tornado was at my third birthday party, correct?

0:11:17 Bill: The tornado, by the way, sends its best wishes. It's actually--

0:11:20 Fabian: Well, tell the tornado he should come by more often. (laughing)

0:11:24 Kristen: This is wild.

0:11:25 Riz: What is your life?

0:11:27 Fabian: But, Papa, you were saying? Did your ramblings have a point?

0:11:30 Bill: They did have a point, which is this. I fear no one. Death, to me, is nothing more than a joke, and when my time comes, I will leap into Hell and kill the Devil.

0:11:48 Fig: Whoa, that's so metal.

0:11:51 Bill: But--

0:11:52 Fig: Can I borrow that for a lyric?

0:11:53 Kristen: I wonder if the Devil's cooler than God.

0:11:56 Bill: Certainly, of course!

0:11:58 Fig: The Devil might be my dad.

0:11:59 Bill: Probably not.

0:12:00 Gorgug: Is the Devil a man?

0:12:00 Bill: Uh, now--

0:12:03 Fig: It's a tornado. (laughing)

0:12:05 Bill: Now, the point being this. However, death is a part of every combat, no matter how easy to overcome it may seem. So, the way you avoid death is by knowing why you fight. You don't fight to fight, you fight to win. And winning looks like whatever your gold is. For some people, the gold is gold. For other people, the gold is other things.

0:12:32 Gorgug: Silver.

0:12:33 Adaine: Love.

0:12:34 Fabian: Bronze.

0:12:36 Bill: Not bronze.

0:12:37 Fabian: Eh, okay, okay, great. (laughing)

0:12:39 Bill: But silver, aye. Love, certainly. Some people fight for abstract ideals, who, though they can never be fulfilled within their lifetime, are still a cardinal direction that they can move in. The point is this, gold's the best. What?

0:12:54 Fig: I was gonna say, I bet some people fight for friendship.

0:12:59 Bill: That'll happen in its own time, doesn't need to be rushed.

0:13:02 Fig: Right. (laughing)

0:13:03 Bill: This'll grow organically, there's a process to this.

0:13:06 Fig: Wow, yeah, okay. Whatever, I wasn't talking about me. Losers.

0:13:11 Emily: I kick a chair. (laughing)

0:13:14 Fabian: Please don't kick my furniture.

0:13:15 Siobhan: I take the snuff box away from her.

0:13:18 Brennan: You see that Bill Seacaster looks and says,

0:13:21 Bill: If you'd like, I'd be more than happy to run you through some drills or some training.

0:13:26 Kristen: Oh yeah.

0:13:28 Gorgug: What's a drill?

0:13:28 Bill: What is a drill?

0:13:29 Gorgug: I know what a drill is.

0:13:30 Bill: Alright, we're doing this!

0:13:32 Brennan: And you see he claps his hands. You guys spend the rest of that day--

0:13:37 Ally: Sleepless?

0:13:37 Lou: We skip school?

0:13:38 Brennan: You fully skip school. (laughing)

0:13:41 Emily: Nice, dude! What do our parents think? We didn't come home last night.

0:13:45 Murph: We skipped school and did drugs with your dad.

0:13:46 Brennan: At one point, if any of you try to get a crystal to like, let a parent know where you are, Bill fully disarms you and smacks it out of--

0:13:53 Fabian: Everyone, please just stop trying to call their parents, alright?

0:13:56 Fig: I'm not.

0:13:57 Fabian: My father will continue to slap it out of your hand.

0:13:59 Gorgug: I'm exhausted.

0:14:00 Bill: You'll earn your freedom on the battlefield, you will.

0:14:05 Brennan: You see that, uh, you guys spend that day drilling and training. Bill runs through a ton of stuff with you. It's a lot of stuff about like, you know like, keeping Fabian and Gorgug in front of everybody, and keeping Kristen in the middle of everybody, and there's a lot of stuff about like, what languages do you guys all speak that like, aren't common, if you needed to communicate quickly and secretly with each other?

0:14:27 Emily: Fig suggests that we come up with our own language. (group groaning)

0:14:34 Fabian: That sounds vastly complicated and like we don't have the time.

0:14:36 Kristen: So what do most of us speak?

0:14:38 Riz: I speak Elvish--

0:14:40 Fig: Elvish.

0:14:41 Riz: Orcish and Goblin.

0:14:42 Gorgug: I speak Gnomish and Common. And a little bit of Orcish.

0:14:44 Fabian: I speak Halfling as well as Elvish.

0:14:47 Kristen: I guess I know some Elvish from missions trips, so I just know religious words in Elvish.

0:14:53 Riz: We'll use the Elvish religious words.

0:14:54 Adaine: I speak Elvish, Elven High Arcana, Draconic and Infernal.

0:14:59 Fabian: Jesus Christ.

0:15:00 Fig: Why don't we just come up with a couple words in Elvish that we all know? Like, anyone who doesn't know Elvish could have like a couple words we teach to them.

0:15:06 Adaine: Like stay, run, left, right.

0:15:08 Fig: Yeah.

0:15:08 Kristen: Gorgug, could you do that?

0:15:11 Gorgug: Teach you guys--

0:15:11 Adaine: No, we could teach you.

0:15:13 Riz: You learn five words total.

0:15:14 Kristen: Oh boy.

0:15:15 Gorgug: Oh, I don't know.

0:15:17 Kristen: We'll write them on your drumsticks.

0:15:19 Riz: The fact that you didn't understand the question makes me doubt that you can do that.

0:15:22 Kristen: Alright, cool, it's settled. Elvish.

0:15:25 Fabian: Elvish, fantastic.

0:15:26 Gorgug: Okay.

0:15:26 Fig: Or we make up one.

0:15:28 Brennan: The day draws to a close. Bill Seacaster hasn't slept, you don't know when. You guys haven't slept either, you're fucking exhausted. Bill comes over to you guys and slaps you on the back and says,

0:15:39 Bill: Aye, it is a good day's work. I have some cars coming to take you all back to your homes. Do you all have a captain amongst you?

0:15:54 Kristen: [pointing to the sky, smiling] Yeah.

0:15:55 Fig: Unofficially.

0:15:56 Riz: I would say no.

0:15:59 Fabian: Alright, don't you dare try and follow it with defacto rule, the Ball.

0:16:03 Gorgug: I think everyone thinks I'm the captain.

0:16:07 Fabian: Father, I'm here to tell you that no one thinks he's the captain.

0:16:09 Kristen: No.

0:16:10 Fig: I don't like any kind of power concentration, so I'd prefer that we didn't kind of--

0:16:13 Adaine: Yeah, I'm happy with a democratic--

0:16:16 Fig: Yeah.

0:16:16 Fabian: We're something of a democracy.

0:16:17 Gorgug: Should we elect a captain?

0:16:19 Fabian: I don't, do we need, is that what you're asking? Are you suggesting that we need a captain?

0:16:25 Bill: I'm not suggesting--

0:16:25 Kristen: The answer would be you.

0:16:27 Fabian: No!

0:16:28 Gorgug: I don't know.

0:16:29 Fabian: I mean, I could happily do it.

0:16:30 Kristen: You didn't make captain of the team, but you could be captain of this.

0:16:31 Riz: Don’t feed this!

0:16:32 Fabian: I would happily take it on. I mean, if we're looking for a captain, I mean, look at this man and look at me. I'm his son, I'm his son, I can take, I could easily do it.

0:16:44 Bill: I will not be the captain of your teenage friend group. (laughing)

0:16:49 Fabian: I wasn't saying that, I was just saying we're cut from the same cloth.

0:16:52 Bill: I understand. Now, perhaps this democratic system can work. Democracies function best in situations where immediate forceful action is not needed, so hopefully the democratic process will avail itself to you in these combat scenarios. (group groaning)

0:17:08 Bill: Now, those vehicles are on their way. I bid you all a good evening. My darling Fabian, would you come with me for a moment.

0:17:15 Fabian: Of course, Papa.

0:17:16 Brennan: Bill Seacaster takes you aside and brings you over to the garage, and he raises it up and you see the Hangman. Red and white gorgeous skull and crossbones motorcycle, you see that it roars with fire.

0:17:36 Hangman: Master, again I see you. I am ready to serve.

0:17:43 Fabian: Fantastic! Oh Papa, you've done such a fantastic job! It's absolutely gorgeous.

0:17:48 Bill: For my darling boy, this hellish contraption. I love you more than I can say, and may it serve you well.

0:17:56 Fabian: Well, Papa, I've gotta take her out for a spin. Once around the block, shall we?

0:18:01 Bill: You and me?

0:18:02 Fabian: I mean, I mean--

0:18:04 Bill: You and me? Me on the back?

0:18:05 Fabian: If you--

0:18:06 Bill: I love it!

0:18:07 Fabian: Okay, Papa.

0:18:08 Brennan: And you see he climbs onto the back of the motorcycle, hugs his arms around you and says,

0:18:11 Bill: Now go, lad, and never stop!

0:18:14 Fabian: Excuse me, Hangman, can we do once around the block, please?

0:18:19 Hangman: Thy wish is my command.

0:18:22 Zac: Can I make a Perception check out the window?

0:18:25 Murph: Yeah, I wanna see a fucking teenager riding with his dad.

0:18:29 Zac: I only got a 9.

0:18:31 Murph: Uh, yep, that's a 16.

0:18:33 Brennan: Yeah, oh, for sure. You see Fabian in his Letterman jacket, and his father, still shirtless, hugging him on the back of a motorcycle, tearing off down the street. You see it is, uh, you guys have been working all day, so it's like six o'clock at night, it's kind of like rush hour. Fabian pops up onto the sidewalk and you see that Bill Seacaster draws his saber and just starts hawking mailboxes, just thwap, thwap, thwap.

0:18:59 Fabian: Papa, stop!

0:19:00 Bill: On your guard!

0:19:01 Fabian: Okay!

0:19:02 Bill: On your guard, downtown Elmville! It's never safe, death around every corner!

0:19:07 Fabian: Great, ugh.

0:19:08 Brennan: Uh, wonderful. You guys all get home. Your parents are all variously freaking the fuck out. Fig, your mom is a little bit less so.

0:19:13 Ally: Cute.

0:19:18 Emily: (laughs) My mom sucks. Doesn’t love me.

0:19:23 Brennan: But the rest of you guys get home. The next day, you guys wake up, and you guys head back to the Aguefort Adventuring Academy.

0:19:30 Emily: On my way, I'd like to stop by and see Gilear. I guess I'd like to go out of my way to stop by the Strongtower Luxury Apartments and see Gilear.

0:19:38 Brennan: Absolutely.

0:19:38 Emily: Before school.

0:19:40 Brennan: Um, cool. You knock on the door, and your father, uh, your "father" opens.

0:19:47 Emily: I wish my father would open the door. Just finally see his face.

0:19:52 Brennan: Opens the door and you see that he's in sort of a white undershirt, boxers, and like a terrycloth bathrobe.

0:19:58 Lou: God. (laughing)

0:20:01 Brennan: You see he looks out. You see that there is like, just a lot of open yogurt containers, and some like--

0:20:09 Murph: Yogurt.

0:20:10 Siobhan: So sad. So wet.

0:20:13 Ally: So what? So wet?

0:20:14 Fig: Smells, uh, there's a lot of dairy in here.

0:20:15 Siobhan: No, the yogurt. The wet thing we just-- (laughing)

0:20:20 Brennan: You see he looks and says,

0:20:21 Gilear: Ah, my sweet daughter, hello. You've come to the Strongtower Luxury Apartments early in the morning.

0:20:29 Fig: Yeah. I'm just stopping by. It's not a big deal. I just wanna let you know, if you're looking for, you know, something to do with your days, a reason to get out of the terrycloth bathrobe, there's two positions open at school, and, you know, I know you and I have had our differences, but it would be cool with me if you worked there, be cool to see each other a little more and whatnot. Or whatever.

0:21:02 Gilear: He looks back into the apartment full of yogurt cups and says,

0:21:08 Gilear: I have a couple of irons in the fire-- (laughing)

0:21:13 Fig: Really, what are those irons?

0:21:16 Gilear: I'm waiting on some calls on my crystal to come back, there are some people. A friend of mine down in Bastion City knows a guy who's starting up a crystal company and they're looking for--

0:21:29 Emily: (laughing) Can I Detect Thought on him?

0:21:30 Brennan: Yeah, for sure.

0:21:32 Ally: Detect what?

0:21:33 Emily: I'm gonna detect his thoughts.

0:21:36 Brennan: He rolled a nat 1, I just wanna point that out. The thing that flashes across his head is him saying,

0:21:43 Gilear: Last night I couldn't go to sleep, so I tried to jerk off but was too sad to--

0:21:47 Siobhan: Oh god.

0:21:48 Gilear: And stayed up all night eating yogurt.

0:21:50 Emily: Oh god.

0:21:51 Brennan: That's what's on his mind, that's what a nat 1 will get ya. (laughing)

0:21:54 Lou: Jesus.

0:21:56 Fig: Oh, um.

0:21:57 Gilear: Fig, why are you reacting that way? (laughing)

0:22:00 Siobhan: You don't wanna dive deeper into his brain?

0:22:02 Emily: No, I, I, I rescind, I try to stop Detect Thoughts from happening. I don't wanna hear anything else.

0:22:09 Brennan: You dismiss the spell.

0:22:12 Gilear: So I've got a lot of things going on. Pretty busy over here, but I will--

0:22:18 Fig: If you wanna come in, I kinda have an in with the vice principal.

0:22:20 Gilear: Are you asking me, because I can call my friend up and say, hey, no, nope, no thank you.

0:22:27 Fig: Yeah, I think make that call.

0:22:30 Gilear: Alright.

0:22:31 Fig: In fact, maybe I could help you get into something, clean yourself up a little bit, and you can come to school with me! I can introduce you to the vice principal, and you just be thinking right now whether you'd rather be a guidance counselor or a lunch lady.

0:22:46 Gilear: Well I wouldn't be a lunch lady, I'd be a serving--

0:22:48 Fig: Lunch lad, pardon me.

0:22:50 Gilear: I don't like lunch lad. (laughing)

0:22:55 Brennan: You see he says,

0:22:55 Gilear: I will get myself cleaned up, although, as an elf, my hygiene is impeccable and these terrycloths were woven by elves and repel all but the most powerful stains.

0:23:15 Fig: So it's some powerful yogurt then?

0:23:18 Gilear: Oh shit, um.

0:23:20 Fig: I think just, just do a big change.

0:23:22 Gilear: There's some jam--

0:23:23 Fig: Just a big change. Everything you're wearing, change it for something else. And then just dunk your head in the sink.

0:23:32 Gilear: Um, alright. I was thinking about buying a… My hair's kind of thinning up top, I was thinking about maybe getting a… Not that elves necessarily go bald, but I might have been, I think--

0:23:44 Emily: Can I cast Minor Illusion so he has a little fedora on his head?

0:23:47 Brennan: Yes, you can.

0:23:48 Emily: I do that.

0:23:49 Fig: How about that?

0:23:53 Gilear: I know not what has inspired this sudden act of mercy and kindness, but I shall repay you as a father can, in love and, if you want, yogurt. I have some--

0:24:04 Fig: No, no, I want nothing to do with yogurt, and your yogurt, and anything that you have to do with yogurt. Anyways, um--

0:24:09 Gilear: It's going to go bad in probably another day or two, I bought too much. (laughing)

0:24:13 Fig: That's, okay, um, I'm just, you know what, I'm gonna go ahead and close this door and stand here, and when you're all ready, I'll be here, and you can open the door and we can go walk to school together.

0:24:23 Gilear: Cool, cool, my child, cool, cool.

0:24:26 Brennan: And he closes the door. (laughing)

0:24:29 Emily: Actually, wait, while he does that, can I go in and just throw out all his yogurt while he's changing?

0:24:34 Brennan: It doesn't expire tomorrow, it expired yesterday.

0:24:37 Emily: (groans) Oh god.

0:24:39 Brennan: You throw it all out. He comes out in like, a crisp white shirt and some slacks. It's sort of like, he put on a little bit of weight after the divorce, and so it kinda doesn't fit super great, but he's got a little illusory hat on. He says,

0:24:51 Gilear: Very well. To the west, or, I guess north? Mostly north?

0:24:58 Fig: It's north, yeah.

0:24:58 Gilear: North we go.

0:25:00 Emily: Cool.

0:25:00 Brennan: He gets in his old, ratty car, turns the little elemental engine on. You guys arrive at school, you walk in. Where do you take your dad?

0:25:10 Emily: To Principal Goldenrod. (laughing)

0:25:15 Siobhan: Goldenhoard.

0:25:16 Brennan: You walk to Vice Principal Goldenhoard's office, you knock on it, you hear a voice,

0:25:18 Goldenhoard: Come in, come in!

0:25:20 Brennan: You walk in, Vice Principal Goldenhoard looks up and goes,

0:25:24 Goldenhoard: Ah, it's young Miss Faeth! And, uh--

0:25:28 Brennan: He says,

0:25:28 Gilear: Uh, Gilear Faeth. I'm the father of young Figeroth Faeth.

0:25:34 Fig: More or less. We use the word father liberally, 'cause obviously… (makes clicking sound). Uh, but--

0:25:39 Goldenhoard: Alright, that has nothing to do with me. Go ahead, what can I do for you?

0:25:44 Fig: Uh, I was thinking Gilear, uh, aka my dad, um, would be a great guidance counselor or lunch lad.

0:25:54 Goldenhoard: Sorry, what? Lunch lad? That's hurtful.

0:26:00 Brennan: You see that he looks up and you see that Gilear says,

0:26:05 Gilear: It has come to my attention that my daughter would benefit from a paternal presence. As such, I would like to avail myself of one of the positions open here at the school. I served as a counselor to the elven people for many long years, and I am gifted at understanding the ways of the heart and emotion. I have healed the madness and sickness...

0:26:27 Brennan: You see that Vice Principal Goldenhoard kind of crosses his fingers and goes,

0:26:30 Goldenhoard: I'm going to have to stop you right there. We've actually just filled the guidance counselor position.

0:26:37 Brennan: And you see he points in a corner of the room you haven't looked in, and you see Jawbone the werewolf over there.

0:26:41 Lou: Jesus Christ.

0:26:42 Brennan: Gives you a surf's up.

0:26:43 Jawbone: Hey, what's going on? Fuck yeah, dude!

0:26:46 Emily: I give it back, I give it back.

0:26:47 Jawbone: Yeah, hell yeah.

0:26:48 Fig: Thanks dude, nice. Welcome.

0:26:50 Jawbone: I fuckin', I got a job! Let's fucking fix kids.

0:26:53 Fig: Yeah, yeah man. That's cool, 'cause Gilear is also interested in the lunch lad position.

0:27:00 Goldenhoard: I am, I am-- Uh, well, I can already tell your father is an expert in yogurt, from the glob hanging off-

0:27:09 Brennan: You see your father looks at you and says,

0:27:11 Gilear: I ate a quick cup to bolster my spirits after I changed. I'm ever so sorry.

0:27:18 Brennan: You see that Jawbone says,

0:27:19 Jawbone: Alright, well, it looks like the jobs are filled. Gil, nice to meet ya. Jawbone. I used to deal drugs out of a nightclub, and now I'm the guidance counselor here, so that's cool. Tell you what, I gotta go crack some books, 'cause I'm gonna, I tell you, I'm gonna do the shit out of this job. You think I'm gonna fucking suck at this, you better wake up, 'cause it's fucking guidance time.

0:27:42 Fig: I'm looking forward to talking to you, because I've been taking exclusively barbarian classes and I think it might be wrong.

0:27:49 Brennan: You see Vice Principal Goldenhoard says,

0:27:51 Goldenhoard: Don't talk to him about that, talk to me. That's wrong! You have a class schedule.

0:27:57 Fig: Where?

0:27:59 Goldenhoard: I mean, it was handed out on the first day!

0:28:03 Fig: Oh, I know what happened. You didn't give it to me, because you wanted me to come in and see you.

0:28:09 Goldenhoard: Okay, no. Everyone out. You're both hired. You go to real bard class. Goodbye!

0:28:16 Brennan: He slams the door. You see Jawbone looks over and says,

0:28:20 Jawbone: Hell of a guy, man. Nice guy, nice dude.

0:28:22 Fig: He's great. He's a flirt, watch out.

0:28:24 Jawbone: Oh really? Does he hound around here? Does he dog around?

0:28:27 Brennan: You see Gilear goes-- (laughing)

0:28:29 Lou: Dog around.

0:28:31 Brennan: You see Gilear goes,

0:28:34 Gilear: This is my daughter. I know it's, I raised this young woman and I hate this.

0:28:44 Brennan: You guys head off. Lunchtime or thereabouts, you see Gil's got the hairnet on him, already jumping in.

0:28:50 Emily: Gilear?

0:28:51 Brennan: Gilear, yeah, Gilear's got the hairnet on him. And you guys are all sitting down at lunch together.

0:28:56 Adaine: Guys, I wanted to ask you a question. I only have these like, fake school uniform outfits, because it's the only thing my parents will buy for me. But I was wondering if you guys could like, help me have a makeover?

0:29:14 Kristen: Oh my gosh, yes! I have like, ten camp shirts, all of them different tie-dye, you can pick whatever pattern you want.

0:29:23 Riz: Sounds like you guys got this figured out.

0:29:25 Fabian: Exactly, I mean--

0:29:26 Fig: I've got a leather bustier.

0:29:27 Adaine: I mean, maybe we could go shopping, is what I mean.

0:29:30 Fabian: I'll give you a $45 gift card and you can just go--

0:29:32 Kristen: 45 dollars? We just saw your house!

0:29:36 Fabian: Excuse me, 45 gold pieces.

0:29:37 Kristen: Your dad passed out 800 bucks worth of coke last night.

0:29:41 Fabian: It's snuff powder, alright? But I'll give you like, 45 gold piece gift card and you can go hog wild with it.

0:29:47 Fig: I'm sorry, what is it a gift card to? 'Cause that kind of limits us.

0:29:49 Riz: It's like a Visa gift card type situation?

0:29:51 Fabian: All of my clothes are handmade in foreign lands, alright, I don't know where people like you buy clothes.

0:29:56 Gorgug: I have really good taste, if you want my help.

0:29:59 Adaine: Thank you.

0:30:00 Gorgug: As you can see, I have a beautiful hoodie.

0:30:02 Kristen: I'll go with you guys.

0:30:03 Fig: Yeah, I definitely--

0:30:04 Ally: Staples. Gorgug just does staples.

0:30:06 Fig: I'm gonna go though, to make sure that none of you get seduced by the consumerist lore.

0:30:12 Fabian: Anyway, what--

0:30:14 Siobhan: You get, you wear clothes all the time.

0:30:16 Fig: Yeah, if I didn't, it'd be weirder.

0:30:18 Kristen: I'm super in, I don't just wear tie-dye, I've actually had my eyes on a new hoodie.

0:30:24 Gorgug: Has anybody seen Zayn, while we're talking about this?

0:30:27 Fabian: Yeah, okay, that's what I was gonna get around to, what of Zayn? What are we going to do about Zayn?

0:30:30 Adain: You're right, Zayn, Zayn, Zayn.

0:30:31 Riz: Yeah, he--

0:30:32 Lou: Have we seen Zayn at school today?

0:30:34 Riz: He's somehow involved with the missing girls.

0:30:36 Brennan: Um, as you start talking about Zayn, you see Zelda Donovan, the satyr girl that you were trying to talk to before, turns around from another table, makes her weird eye contact with you for a second and goes,

0:30:48 Zelda: Are you guys talking about Zayn?

0:30:50 Fabian: Yeah.

0:30:51 Gorgug: Mm-hm.

0:30:52 Fabian: Have you seen him today?

0:30:53 Zelda: Um, he didn't show up at school yesterday.

0:30:57 Adaine: Or today?

0:30:57 Riz: Do you know where he lives?

0:30:59 Zelda: Um, I mean, he always hangs around Cravencroft, the cemetery.

0:31:04 Adaine: You think he lives there, though? I mean, I know he's a creep, but--

0:31:07 Fabian: He probably hangs out there.

0:31:08 Gorgug: Um, I wanted to say that I still haven't learned drums yet, but I'm, uh--

0:31:16 Fabian: What are we watching?

0:31:18 Kristen: It's like Michael Cera talking to Michael Cera. (laughing)

0:31:21 Fabian: Who are those people?

0:31:23 Gorgug: Oh man. And, uh, well, I'm sorry I threw that guy in front of you.

0:31:29 Zelda: It's okay. I, um, I, whatever. I honestly, like, y'know. Everyone does stuff, you know. Like, I don't wear pants and it's just 'cause like, I'm covered in fur, but like, it's not a thing. It's like, you can't see anything, 'cause it's all fur. I have goat legs.

0:31:43 Fabian: Are they talking to each other, or are they just talking down to the ground?

0:31:45 Zelda: I'm sorry.

0:31:46 Brennan: You see that she just starts sweating and says,

0:31:48 Zelda: I'm sorry, that was fucking stupid.

0:31:48 Gorgug: No, I didn't mean--

0:31:50 Brennan: And gets up and walks away.

0:31:53 Murph: Is there any kind of first aid kit or defibrillator in the lunch room?

0:31:57 Brennan: Yeah, for sure. You see one over on the wall.

0:31:59 Murph: Cool.

0:32:00 Riz: You guys have been going down a lot. I might try to, uh, steal this bad boy.

0:32:04 Gorgug: Shall we make a noise over here?

0:32:06 Fabian: Yeah, we can bang.

0:32:06 Fig: Oh yeah, I'll create a--

0:32:08 Riz: Why don't you guys bang around?

0:32:09 Emily: I'll use Thaumaturgy to create a tremor, and everyone will think there is an earthquake.

0:32:14 Gorgug: And I'll yell earthquake!

0:32:16 Kristen: Yeah, great. (laughing)

0:32:18 Fabian: Then won't somebody run for the first aid kit?

0:32:21 Kristen: Uh, so, should we still hit up Zayn on that crystal?

0:32:25 Adaine: I can cast Unseen Servant, and send the servant to get the...

0:32:28 Gorgug: I like this plan.

0:32:29 Fig: I like this plan.

0:32:31 Fabian: Let's do the earthquake plan, go ahead.

0:32:33 Fig: Okay.

0:32:34 Gorgug: Alright.

0:32:35 Fig: Three, two...

0:32:36 Gorgug: Tornado! Earthquake!

0:32:41 Murph: Uh, oh boy. Okay, 16 for Stealth.

0:32:44 Brennan: So you yell "tornado" and then "earthquake" as everything starts-- You see that Ragh Barkrock, as like, things are running, rushes over, like, holding onto tables, and like, crawling across the ground, gets over to you and smashes your head into a table and goes--

0:32:59 Gorgug: Ow!

0:32:59 Ragh: This guy doesn't even know what a fucking earthquake is, dude!

0:33:02 Brennan: And starts crawling back through the tables, back to his table.

0:33:06 Siobhan: I cast Ray of Sickness on that piece of shit.

0:33:12 Adaine: Don't fuck with my friend, dude!

0:33:14 Ragh: Don't fuck with my dude, friend.

0:33:16 Adaine: That's not a thing!

0:33:18 Kristen: Adaine, in that commotion, I stole this coat. (laughing) So you don't have to wear a school uniform anymore.

0:33:25 Adaine: I mean, that's really sweet, but you should give it back. Somebody will notice that I'm wearing their coat. (talking over each other)

0:33:31 Gorgug: That's my hoodie. (laughing)

0:33:34 Kristen: Really? That was you? I'm sorry, I've never done anything that wild, you guys. Honestly, I feel unwell. I keep having a lot of dreams. I think I might go try to find Coach Daybreak, just to chat.

0:33:48 Fabian: Alright, that's fine. We can all agree to meet in Cravencroft Cemetery after school? Or in the parking lot?

0:33:53 Fig: Yeah, and I'm also, I'm thinking of following up on the crystal with Zayn.

0:33:59 Murph: Did our earthquake thing work?

0:34:00 Brennan: Oh yeah. You scooted right over, grabbed that first aid kit off the wall. As you do, you see, no one notices, you see Gilear, who's behind the thing, as like food is flying all over him, and you hear,

0:34:15 Gilear: Huh, no! In addition to yogurt, it seems I am now covered in all manner of wet foods!

0:34:22 Brennan: You see that he looks over and says,

0:34:24 Gilear: Um, I don't know my job well enough to know if you're allowed to do that, but if you're not, don't.

0:34:31 Riz: Uh, one of my friends got a cut.

0:34:33 Gilear: By all means, young goblin. (laughing)

0:34:37 Murph: I take, I like, pull it out of the wall, the screws come loose.

0:34:41 Emily: Can I also set up a little tip jar in front of Gilear?

0:34:47 Brennan: Yeah.

0:34:48 Siobhan: So sad.

0:34:49 Brennan: Absolutely.

0:34:50 Emily: I want him to get a little extra cash.

0:34:52 Brennan: The place full of teens sees the tip jar as an immediate fucking bit machine, and the amount of written cruelty that immediately begins to find its way into the tip jar is truly unnerving.

0:35:05 Ally: Oh, that would so happen.

0:35:06 Emily: Cool, that didn't work out.

0:35:09 Brennan: Um, cool. So you guys have made a plan to meet at Cravencroft Cemetery after class lets out. Kristen, you go to find Coach Daybreak.

0:35:18 Kristen: Hey.

0:35:18 Daybreak: Kristen, hey, how's it going?

0:35:20 Kristen: Oh, it's good. How are you, are you busy or?

0:35:22 Daybreak: Nah, I'm alright.

0:35:23 Kristen: Oh, great. I was, uh, I was praying this morning and I thought about a friend of mine and I just need some advice, uh, I was praying for her and she doesn't know if she's Helioic anymore.

0:35:45 Daybreak: Wow.

0:35:46 Kristen: She's straying, she's straying away from Helio. A lot of things don't make sense.

0:35:49 Daybreak: Wow.

0:35:51 Kristen: What would, what should I tell her?

0:35:53 Daybreak: I mean, I'd cut her off, you know? Because she's going straight to Hell.

0:35:58 Kristen: Really?

0:35:59 Daybreak: Yeah, cut her off. I mean, there's no point messing around with that stuff. She is bound for fire.

0:36:04 Kristen: Well, you know, what if, what if some of it's right? And like, some of it started because someone was like, we gotta really be good or else Earth is gonna be Hell, you know? Or, but, maybe not all of it, like all the little rules and stuff, maybe that part, that just kinda got added on at the end and now we're still living with it, you know?

0:36:22 Daybreak: Look, it's, uh, faith is kind of a wild thing, right? Basically, the way it works is like this. There's people that don't believe in Helio, alright, and there's people that do believe in Helio, okay? And people that do believe in Helio are good people, right, because they wouldn't believe in Helio if they weren't good people.

0:36:48 Kristen: Yeah, it kinda makes you become a good person, too.

0:36:51 Daybreak: Right. So I look at it as like this. The things that people who believe in Helio do are good, right? And the things that people do that don't believe in Helio, those are bad, okay? Does that make sense? Am I kind of making sense here?

0:37:07 Kristen: But I'm reading so much about the Crusades, and it feels like all the people who believed in Helio just like, they killed a bunch of people. I heard a thing where they took, they all had coats they loved, the indigenous people, and they burned all the coats, like, after they had already won. They just piled the coats, and they lit them on fire, and they were like, these were ugly anyway. Is like a straight quote. The camera cuts to the other players, who are all laughing, Emily is crying.

0:37:31 Daybreak: Well, I think the thing about that to remember is, does it matter whether or not you burn a coat if the person is gonna burn forever in Hell? Does that make sense? I'm trying to think--

0:37:45 Kristen: My other friend's gay.

0:37:47 Daybreak: Well, they're going to Hell.

0:37:49 Kristen: Mm, okay, uh.

0:37:50 Daybreak: I'm just trying to shoot you straight.

0:37:53 Kristen: I think--

0:37:54 Daybreak: Does that make sense?

0:37:55 Kristen: Yeah.

0:37:56 Daybreak: I just don't want you to get caught up in that.

0:37:57 Kristen: What about--

0:37:59 Daybreak: See, here's the thing. Sol, right, is the god of the sun. And the sun gives life to everything. But also burns, okay. (everyone laughing)

0:38:12 Murph: That's such, insane.

0:38:14 Emily: It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. The coats. Oh, sorry.

0:38:22 Ally: It's really just pulled out from the Zoot Suit Riots. (laughing)

0:38:26 Emily: I'm just like, trying not to laugh, and it came out as tears.

0:38:30 Ally: Ooh, baby. (laughing)

0:38:35 Brennan: You see the coach looks at you and says,

0:38:38 Daybreak: My understanding of God is this. When I think about people that aren't like me, I get so mad and it feels like there's a sun inside me that's burning my insides, right? And, you know, whether Sol says do something or don't do something, I believe in him, so I'd rather believe in him and not do what he said, than do what he said and not believe in him. Does that make sense?

0:39:16 Kristen: Yeah.

0:39:17 Daybreak: Just be mad, okay? I'm just gonna try and boil it down.

0:39:20 Kristen: Okay.

0:39:21 Daybreak: Just be mad.

0:39:22 Kristen: Thanks. Oh yeah, maybe, maybe. I'm gonna start keeping a journal for each day my friend believes in Helio or doesn't, and then whatever the end total is, I'll just tell her to do that.

0:39:37 Daybreak: Hey, guess what? If they don't believe in Helio, they're not your friend, okay?

0:39:42 Kristen: Cool.

0:39:43 Daybreak: Tell me about them and where they are.

0:39:45 Kristen: What?

0:39:46 Daybreak: Tell me about them and where they are, if they don't believe in Helio.

0:39:49 Kristen: Oh yeah, it's a friend that lives far away.

0:39:51 Daybreak: Good.

0:39:52 Kristen: Hmm?

0:39:53 Daybreak: 'Cause they're not your friend, it's good they're far.

0:39:55 Kristen: Yeah, this is, uh, you know what?

0:39:58 Daybreak: Thanks for coming, you can always--

0:39:59 Kristen: You know who Helio hung out with? Different, people different from him. People different than Helio.

0:40:05 Daybreak: I--

0:40:05 Kristen: Do you want this bracelet? 'Cause I think I'm never gonna wear it again.

0:40:09 Ally: It's the one that says remember to pray and the fire is inside you.

0:40:13 Brennan: You see he takes it and goes,

0:40:15 Daybreak: You don't want it? Why don't you wanna remember to pray?

0:40:18 Kristen: I have maybe a little too much fire inside me, I'm trying to--

0:40:22 Daybreak: Oh, that's good. Too much fire inside is a good thing. Here's the thing. Okay, Helio hung out with somebody, Helio did that or this. There's a million of those things, you'll go crazy trying to keep track of all those rules. Just remember, you believe in Helio. And then, that's it.

0:40:39 Kristen: Okay.

0:40:40 Daybreak: And then just put your head down and go.

0:40:42 Kristen: Okay, okay, yeah, totally.

0:40:43 Daybreak: You're a good kid.

0:40:45 Kristen: Ah, it's so good to talk to you. My parents say hi.

0:40:46 Daybreak: Oh, say hi to them for me, okay, say hi to Donna, that's great, awesome.

0:40:50 Kristen: Yeah, we'll see you Sunday.

0:40:51 Daybreak: See you around, see you on Sunday.

0:40:52 Kristen: See ya. (laughs) Shit. (laughing)

0:41:00 Brennan: Uh, you walk from that extremely horrifying encounter with Coach Daybreak. You guys head out from there. You guys see, as you're walking out of school to go ahead to the cemetery, which is actually not too far away, you can see it's sort of right nearby, so it's easy to walk. You pass, you see there's like, a little grand opening of a little chain bank next to the school, sort of opening up. You see it sort of smells like paint coming out of it. You see this big, three red letters, KVX on it, KVX Bank, as you're walking by.

0:41:39 Ally: Uh, can we hop in and see if there's any like, free pens or like--

0:41:42 Emily: Or lollipops.

0:41:44 Fabian: Okay, why do we need anything? We will just go buy better things if we want them.

0:41:47 Kristen: What, okay, well--

0:41:48 Murph: Can I just look in the glass real quick, just see if anybody's weird's in there or anything.

0:41:52 Kristen: Yeah, can I like, check it out?

0:41:53 Brennan: Uh, cool, you can check it out. Go for it.

0:41:55 Zac: I want to as well.

0:41:56 Ally: Uh, what is check it out?

0:41:58 Zac: Nat 1.

0:41:58 Siobhan: I got a nat 20.

0:41:59 Murph: 2.

0:42:00 Brennan: Nat 20!

0:42:01 Ally: Perception? Oh, I have a lot. I have 25.

0:42:04 Murph: I'm breathing too much and I'm fogging up the glass.

0:42:05 Ally: Hell yeah.

0:42:05 Brennan: 20 is great. You look in and see that not only are there no free lollipops and no free pens of any kind, you see there's a big sign at the front that says Store Policy: No Complimentary Pens or Candies.

0:42:18 Adaine: This place sucks.

0:42:19 Fig: Damn.

0:42:19 Gorgug: I rolled a nat 1.

0:42:21 Siobhan: And not in a good lollipop way.

0:42:22 Brennan: This place seems honestly kind of cool. (laughing)

0:42:25 Gorgug: Are we going in?

0:42:26 Kristen: No, let's forget, right.

0:42:27 Fabian: If you guys need lollipops and pens, I'll buy them for you, God.

0:42:30 Fig: Wait a second. A bank without free pens or lollipops? Isn't that a little bit suspicious?

0:42:35 Group: No!

0:42:37 Adaine: It's just a bad bank.

0:42:38 Fig: Like a front for something?

0:42:40 Fabian: No, alright.

0:42:41 Gorgug: I just wanna, can somebody Detect Magic on it?

0:42:42 Fabian: People with money go to banks.

0:42:43 Kristen: Did you do more of that snuff?

0:42:44 Adaine: Sure, I'll cast Detect Magic on it.

0:42:45 Fig: (sniffs) No.

0:42:46 Brennan: With that nat 20, you don't even need to. You can see the place is filled with magic. You see that there's a bunch of armored cars, elemental vehicles. They're taking out huge things of like, big gold coins, just like--

0:42:55 Siobhan: Out, they're taking it out?

0:42:58 Brennan: Out of the trucks and into the bank.

0:43:00 Siobhan: Oh.

0:43:00 Brennan: So filling up the location, basically.

0:43:02 Adaine: Oh, okay. Do you think this is a magical bank or do you think this is some kind of cover for--

0:43:06 Fabian: I think this is just a bank! People put money in a bank. Why are we, we don't need to read into this bank, are you all so poor that you don't understand how banks work?

0:43:14 Kristen: We didn't get anything from Zayn, I just feel like we gotta catch up.

0:43:17 Gorgug: It just feels like a pretty cool bank to me, I don't know.

0:43:19 Adaine: I'm very rich, but my parents are very stingy.

0:43:21 Lou: I'm going to start to walk off into the cemetery, Jesus Christ.

0:43:23 Murph: I also walk to the cemetery.

0:43:24 Emily: I'm gonna join them over there.

0:43:25 Brennan: You guys head to the cemetery.

0:43:27 Zac: You guys have to pull me along.

0:43:29 Fabian: They're so poor. God, they don't understand how banks work.

0:43:32 Emily: Dragging Gorgug by his hoodie.

0:43:35 Gorgug: It's a cool bank. (laughing)

0:43:38 Brennan: You guys arrive at Cravencroft. Cravencroft is a very spooky cemetery, especially towards this time of night. During the daytime, it's actually okay, you can go and like, visit. And Riz, you see your dad's grave up on the little hill.

0:43:54 Lou: Oh god.

0:43:55 Murph: I don't tell anyone.

0:43:57 Ally: Awww! God, that kills me. Riz.

0:44:03 Brennan: But you see that there's like the section where Johnny Spells and the greasers are all buried.

0:44:09 Ally: Sorry. That fucking kills me.

0:44:09 Emily: Can I do a knowledge, or would I know if someone, if Zayn becomes invisible, would his little rat also become invisible?

0:44:17 Brennan: His little rat also would become invisible, yes.

0:44:19 Emily: Okay, could I, could I just real quick, just gonna do this, if nothing comes from it, that's fine. I'd like to create a Minor Illusion of a, of a sexy (laughs) rat.

0:44:34 Siobhan: What?

0:44:36 Emily: I just--

0:44:37 Ally: I see what they're doing.

0:44:38 Brennan: I need you right now, Emily Axford, to verbally describe a sexy rat. (laughing) Put an image in my head, as the Dungeon Master, for what that is.

0:44:47 Emily: Okay, so it's like, a real wet nose.

0:44:51 Brennan: That's so gross. I try not to judge your character choices, but that sucks.

0:44:56 Zac: Incredible start, incredible start.

0:44:57 Lou: So hot, so fucking hot, dude.

0:44:58 Emily: And it's like, um, really, really pointy, the whiskers are like, long, and like, curled at the end, like Farrah Fawcett hair. And the ears are like, so perfectly circular, and then the tail is like, super long, and like, the front paws are super skinny, but then the back legs are like, meaty. (laughing)

0:45:23 Fabian: That's absolutely disgusting.

0:45:25 Riz: That's a hot rat.

0:45:26 Kristen: That is honestly a hot rat.

0:45:27 Brennan: So this fucking nightmare rat is created with illusory magic.

0:45:31 Fabian: Oh my God, what the fuck is that?

0:45:33 Gorgug: Ahhh!

0:45:33 Fabian: What the fuck is that?

0:45:34 Murph: Riz is a little attracted to the rat.

0:45:35 Fabian: What the fuck is that? Where did that come from?

0:45:38 Kristen: Yeah, she's kinda cute.

0:45:39 Fabian: What is that?

0:45:39 Riz: That's kind of a hot rat.

0:45:41 Fabian: What the fuck is that?

0:45:42 Emily: In Elvish, I say,

0:45:42 Fig: Guys, be cool.

0:45:45 Adaine: Zayn is an elf, you idiot, he will understand every word that we say.

0:45:49 Gorgug: What did you say, I didn't understand?

0:45:51 Fabian: What the fuck is that?

0:45:53 Brennan: (laughing) You guys see that the sexy rat takes off into the graveyard, kinda like swaying its hips back and forth.

0:46:01 Ally: It's on what?

0:46:02 Brennan: Looking around, kind of--

0:46:02 Fabian: What is wrong with that rat?

0:46:05 Ally: I'm just watching it the whole time.

0:46:08 Brennan: You see it kind of winks over at like, a little gargoyle--

0:46:11 Zac: What?

0:46:13 Adaine: Why did you do this?

0:46:15 Gorgug: It's so stupid.

0:46:17 Brennan: You see that it finds a little acorn by a tree and picks it up and goes like-- Mm, too big. Acorn too big.

0:46:27 Fabian: What is this? What did you do?

0:46:28 Fig: Okay guys, get in, get in, bring it in so no one can hear.

0:46:31 Fabian: What?

0:46:32 Fig: Zayn has his rat, and I'm trying to lure out his rat.

0:46:36 Kristen: Oh, cool.

0:46:37 Fig: To find out if he's invisible here.

0:46:39 Fabian: That's the most insane plan I've ever heard.

0:46:41 Fig: Well, it's only a cantrip, so--

0:46:43 Zac: Can I make a Perception check?

0:46:45 Brennan: Make a Perception check.

0:46:45 Zac: 9.

0:46:46 Lou: Yeah, can we investigate the area?

0:46:47 Murph: Are we, are we near, we're not near Johnny Spells' grave yet?

0:46:50 Brennan: Grave? No, you're not.

0:46:51 Murph: Maybe we should sneak up on his grave.

0:46:53 Ally: Yeah, let's go... 13.

0:46:54 Siobhan: Sneak up on there, and then I would like to cast Detect-- If I cast Detect Thoughts nearby him, will I be able to sense that he's there?

0:47:01 Emily: Yeah.

0:47:02 Brennan: Uh, yes. Detect Thoughts will bypass invisibility.

0:47:04 Kristen: I think the rat is a good idea though.

0:47:06 Fabian: No, leave--

0:47:07 Kristen: I think it'll work.

0:47:08 Brennan: I want all you guys to, you don't need to make perception rolls for this, you see that a fucking enormous owl comes down and grabs the sexy rat and takes off.

0:47:19 Murph: I wanna shoot the owl.

0:47:20 Fabian: No, do not shoot-- That owl has done the fucking world a service, alright?

0:47:28 Lou: Can I slap that shit out of Riz?

0:47:29 Riz: I'm sorry, I thought--

0:47:30 Fabian: Stop!

0:47:31 Riz: The rat was cute.

0:47:32 Brennan: Now I need everybody here to make a perception check.

0:47:37 Siobhan: Nat 20 again.

0:47:39 Ally: Hell yeah, 22.

0:47:40 Murph: A goddamn 2.

0:47:41 Lou: 8.

0:47:41 Emily: I got a nat 1.

0:47:42 Brennan: Oh, terrible. You don't see anything, because I assume that the death of your sexy rat is much too jarring.

0:47:48 Fig: It was so hot.

0:47:50 Lou: Can I go put my hand on her shoulder.

0:47:51 Fabian: It's for the best, truly.

0:47:52 Brennan: Adaine, so everyone else is bickering and arguing, and your keen elven senses follow the owl. You survey this, Cravencroft is a large cemetery. On multiple trees, around the edge of the cemetery, you begin to count, there are about seven or eight owls watching the cemetery. And as you skirt the edges, in the long grasses towards the fence, you notice about 10 or 12 cats, that you just clock all of them at once.

0:48:21 Adaine: Everybody shut up.

0:48:21 Kristen: What, why?

0:48:23 Fabian: Why?

0:48:23 Kristen: It was hot.

0:48:24 Fabian: Did you see that sexy rat? How are we supposed to come back from that shit.

0:48:27 Kristen: That owl was so sexy too.

0:48:29 Adaine: I need you to, I'm trying to tell you important information.

0:48:31 Fabian: No, no it wasn't.

0:48:32 Riz: The owl was just a regular owl.

0:48:34 Adaine: That owl is not a regular owl. (everyone talking over each other)

0:48:36 Adaine: That owl is not a regular owl. There are owls and cats surrounding us right now.

0:48:39 Fabian: What size, how big?

0:48:41 Adaine: Like, eight owls.

0:48:42 Kristen: (gasps) You're right.

0:48:43 Adaine: Owls are big.

0:48:44 Gorgug: We're at a cemetery at night. That's normal, right?

0:48:46 Adaine: No, it's not.

0:48:47 Kristen: No, that's a lot.

0:48:48 Riz: And they're just hanging out?

0:48:50 Adaine: Can you please Detect Evil?

0:48:50 Ally: Yeah, can I do Detect Good and Evil?

0:48:52 Brennan: Yes, absolutely. As you cast Detect Evil, you detect a faint aura of menace. You see that one of the cats far away turns and looks at you. You get a faint aura of menace from its eyes. The cats disappear, and you see the owls (hooting) take off.

0:49:10 Emily: Did they all just disappear?

0:49:12 Kristen: They're evil.

0:49:15 Emily: So none of them are left? Are there any cats left?

0:49:18 Brennan: Not that you can see. Everybody make a Perception check once more.

0:49:23 Emily: Ooh.

0:49:24 Ally: 16.

0:49:25 Lou: Nat 1.

0:49:26 Murph: 7.

0:49:27 Siobhan: I got 21.

0:49:27 Ally: Oh, 17.

0:49:28 Zac: 15.

0:49:29 Siobhan: But not natural.

0:49:29 Emily: I got 21 as well.

0:49:31 Brennan: 21 as well? You hear the last of the (imitates wings thrumming) of the owls flying away and the sun setting, the light fading from the last of the horizon. As you talk about the owls, you hear a voice, not behind you, literally standing in the middle of you say,

0:49:46 Voice: More owls than normal at Cravencroft.

0:49:49 Kristen: Gah!

0:49:49 Brennan: And there is just a, about eight foot tall, rail thin, maybe like 110 pound, undertaker, standing in the midst of you. (everyone yells)

0:49:59 Gorgug: Where did you come from?

0:50:03 Fabian: Yeah, exactly!

0:50:04 Undertaker: I work here at the cemetery.

0:50:06 Kristen: Yes, but--

0:50:07 Adaine: No, but you weren't here a second ago.

0:50:08 Undertaker: I walked up.

0:50:09 Fig: Is it cool if I smoke here?

0:50:11 Undertaker: Yes.

0:50:12 Fig: Okay.

0:50:12 Undertaker: We're outside.

0:50:13 Fabian: Alright, who are you?

0:50:15 Undertaker: I am Sylvester, the caretaker of Cravencroft. Dark secrets here in the cemetery, the final resting place of many of Elmville's own.

0:50:28 Fig: Yeah, I heard a, heard a couple of those tiefling greasers died, I bet a lot of people have been here recently for that.

0:50:35 Sylvester: No, very few have come to visit those jabronis.

0:50:40 Gorgug: It sounds like you're falling down a well.

0:50:42 Fabian: I'm sorry, did you say jabronis?

0:50:44 Sylvester: That is how they referred to those whom they dismissed as lesser than, and it seems the town was only too eager to return that feeling in kind.

0:50:55 Adaine: You haven't seen a real shitty-looking goth kid?

0:50:59 Sylvester: Constantly, he's always around.

0:51:01 Adaine: The constantly including now?

0:51:03 Fig: What does he do here? Does he only go to where the tieflings were buried, or does he just kind of wander? Is he more here for the ambience, do you think?

0:51:10 Sylvester: He kind of just hangs around.

0:51:13 Zac: Can I make an Insight check?

0:51:13 Brennan: Yeah, go for it.

0:51:15 Zac: 4.

0:51:17 Brennan: 4. (laughs) This guy seems very cool. And here's the thing, you're 90% sure he's not your dad, but there's a chance. (laughing) He's not an orc, so you feel like probably not, right? But maybe.

0:51:31 Gorgug: Hey, I just have to ask. (laughing) It's on my mind. Everybody's gonna think this is stupid, but uh.

0:51:37 Sylvester: By all means. There are no stupid questions.

0:51:40 Gorgug: Are you my freaking dad? (laughing)

0:51:44 Brennan: He looks at you and says,

0:51:46 Sylvester: How would that work? Why would you assume that?

0:51:50 Gorgug: I, I mean. If you were my dad, you'd know how it would work.

0:51:53 Kristen: Okay, Fig, can you make another sexy rat?

0:51:55 Sylvester: No!

0:51:56 Kristen: 'Cause I'm gonna cast Light on it, and then we'll be able to see. 'Cause I can't see any of you and it's getting really creepy.

0:52:00 Adaine: Why don't you just cast Light on your stuff?

0:52:03 Emily: I make another sexy rat.

0:52:03 Kristen: I've been casting Light on my religious stuff, but I just need a not, I need a break from religion for a little while, okay? So I'm not gonna cast Light on it, I need something else.

0:52:12 Fig: Here you go, a sexy rat.

0:52:13 Kristen: A sexy, feminine rat. Alright, we have a bright, glowing rat.

0:52:17 Brennan: Sylvester says,

0:52:19 Sylvester: Hah, not the normal ambience of this place. Somehow more disturbing in its provocative--

0:52:29 Ally: The rat is like, touching its six nipples.

0:52:32 Emily: Yeah, this time it's pregnant.

0:52:35 Sylvester: I don't like you children.

0:52:38 Brennan: You see he says,

0:52:39 Sylvester: To answer your question, I could not be your father. My junk was all messed up in a bicycle accident.

0:52:46 Fabian: Christ, alright. Mr Sylvester--

0:52:48 Fig: Wait, a bicycle accident?

0:52:49 Riz: Have you talked to the goth kid?

0:52:50 Fabian: Yeah, exactly.

0:52:51 Adaine: Yeah, the goth kid.

0:52:52 Riz: Thank you.

0:52:53 Fig: Bicycle, like as in motorcycle?

0:52:53 Adaine: Goth kid.

0:52:55 Sylvester: No, a regular bicycle.

0:52:56 Riz: He's no one's dad!

0:52:56 Fig: I wasn't sure if it was--

0:52:58 Gorgug: I bet you ride one of those bikes that has a big front wheel.

0:53:00 Sylvester: Yes, a velocipede.

0:53:02 Riz: Right, have you talked to that goth kid ever?

0:53:04 Sylvester: The seat fell off and I tried to sit down on the metal part.

0:53:07 Fabian: Hello, um, Mr Sylvester.

0:53:08 Sylvester: Yes.

0:53:09 Fabian: Hi, my name is Fabian, Fabian Seacaster--

0:53:11 Kristen: What exactly happened to your junk?

0:53:12 Fig: Oh my god.

0:53:14 Sylvester: Doctors still don't know.

0:53:16 Gorgug: Did it get--

0:53:17 Sylvester: It got all jambled up in there.

0:53:19 Riz: Hi, Riz Gukgak. Have you ever spoken to that emo kid?

0:53:24 Sylvester: Zayn Darkshadow. Many times did he wander this cemetery, dancing to his Walkman and saying poetry to the headstones. I asked him to leave a bunch of times, and he never did.

0:53:44 Riz: Can you talk to dead people?

0:53:46 Sylvester: Can I speak to the dead? Yes, I speak to them all the time.

0:53:50 Gorgug: Do they, like, it's actual conversation?

0:53:53 Sylvester: I do most of the talking.

0:53:56 Adaine: Is Zayn Darkshadow his real name? Or is his name actually like, Jeff Spratt?

0:54:02 Sylvester: Zayn Darkshadow named himself.

0:54:05 Adaine: Of course he did, of course he did.

0:54:06 Sylvester: When he sued for emancipation from the foster system.

0:54:11 Adaine: Oh, that's sad.

0:54:12 Sylvester: Yeah, you all feel like a bunch of assholes now.

0:54:14 Fabian: I don't, 'cause I've been--

0:54:15 Fig: I have a question.

0:54:15 Sylvester: Don't you? Judging a poor kid.

0:54:18 Fig: I have a question and, uh, do you know what songs he likes to listen to? Since he's walking around and he's singing along with his Walkman?

0:54:24 Sylvester: It involved a lot of him making two fists and rotating them around each other clockwise--

0:54:32 Fabian: Like a Cabbage Patch kind of situation?

0:54:33 Sylvester: Kind of like this, and then a back. Brennan holds his arms in front of his chest, parallel with the ground. He rotates them forward and then back towards himself.

0:54:36 Kristen: Aww, EDM.

0:54:37 Sylvester: Yes, yes, ethereal dance music.

0:54:41 Fabian: Have you seen him today? Have you seen Zayn today?

0:54:46 Adaine: Or yesterday.

0:54:47 Sylvester: Why, yes. No, not to-- Wait, what, it's Friday.

0:54:54 Gorgug: Did you see him today?

0:54:56 Sylvester: I did not see him today. I know where the young lad lives.

0:55:02 Adaine: Oh.

0:55:03 Riz: That would be great.

0:55:04 Fig: Yeah.

0:55:05 Sylvester: If you wish to visit his dwelling place, he lives down the street this way, five blocks. There's a deli, and he lives above the deli, in an apartment that the state paid for when he sued for emancipation. He lived by himself, he had a sad life. Yeah, that's right.

0:55:28 Adaine: Why do you keep saying had?

0:55:29 Fabian: Wait, why are you speaking in the past tense?

0:55:30 Sylvester: What's that?

0:55:31 Adaine: Yeah, why are you speaking in the past tense?

0:55:32 Murph: Can I investigate this guy?

0:55:33 Brennan: Yep.

0:55:35 Siobhan: Yeah, I would like to also investigate this guy.

0:55:37 Murph: 14.

0:55:38 Emily: Oh my god.

0:55:40 Siobhan: Oooh, er, 13.

0:55:42 Emily: I would like to do a Perception to see if this is actually Zayn Darkshadow. That's gonna be a 3. (laughing)

0:55:49 Gorgug: I'm gonna touch him.

0:55:50 Brennan: Go on, you touch him.

0:55:52 Gorgug: Uh, 18.

0:55:54 Brennan: He appears to be telling the truth. He appears to be the real guy. You see he says,

0:55:58 Sylvester: Zayn was-

0:56:01 Brennan: You see he reaches into a pocket of his coat, takes out a little sort of pearl that is now icy white.

0:56:11 Sylvester: This was jet black. Zayn gave it to me and said, if it were ever to turn icy white, that would mean he had passed from this moral realm.

0:56:23 Fig: Why was he concerned with you knowing if he had passed?

0:56:25 Sylvester: He really wanted me to like what he was up to.

0:56:29 Fabian: Excuse me, might we--

0:56:30 Fig: Can I see that pearl?

0:56:32 Sylvester: Sure.

0:56:33 Fig: Thank you

0:56:33 Siobhan: Can I--

0:56:34 Emily: I just pocket it.

0:56:34 Adaine: Wait, give it to me. I'll cast Identify on it.

0:56:38 Fig: Maybe we could after- (trails off into whispering)

0:56:39 Adaine: Alright. It seems like everybody in this game really has some daddy issues.

0:56:45 Sylvester: I don't. I talk to my father all the time.

0:56:48 Gorgug: Is he dead?

0:56:49 Kristen: Me too, but really, every religious person has--

0:56:51 Brennan: And he turns and stalks off into the graveyard.

0:56:54 Fig: Okay, here, cast Identify on this.

0:56:56 Siobhan: I cast Identify on the pearl.

0:56:59 Identify Spell: Ah yes, a Pearl of Life. This is a minor and rather common magical item, used by necromancers to mark the passing of those who have been attuned to the pearl. The pearl, given in a jet black state, will mark the living status of that who has been attuned to it. Upon turning icy white, the pearl has marked that user's passage into the underworld, usually through a process known as death. The pearl is worth almost nothing, and are often traded as sort of friendship tokens by necromancers, from one to the other. This has been the Identify spell.

0:57:39 Kristen: Can you ask if it's reusable?

0:57:41 Fig: Or ask if it was attuned with Zayn or someone else.

0:57:43 Siobhan: It does say, can I, can I tell who it is attuned to?

0:57:48 Brennan: Give me an Arcana check.

0:57:52 Siobhan: Nat 20, baby.

0:57:53 Murph: What?

0:57:54 Ally: Hell yeah.

0:57:56 Brennan: You look into the pearl and you see Zayn Darkshadow's dead body.

0:58:04 Adaine: Oh God.

0:58:04 Kristen: Fuck.

0:58:06 Adaine: Guys, I think he's dead. I mean, I guess there's a possibility that he entered into the underworld and didn't die and he's on some kind of weird like--

0:58:16 Murph: Can we see his apartment? (everyone talking over each other)

0:58:20 Emily: Before we do this, I'm gonna take out the crystal, and I'm gonna text the number that was Zayn Darkshadow's and say-- You up?

0:58:30 Emily: Basically. (laughs) And say, Things got wacky at the Black Pit. Look, uh, you wanna meet up soon?

0:58:38 Kristen: Well, if someone killed him, then that means they probably took the crystal, so they're getting this.

0:58:43 Fig: That's what I'm saying, yes.

0:58:44 Fabian: Perfect.

0:58:45 Riz: Alright, let's go to his--

0:58:46 Brennan: You shoot the text, no immediate reply. You guys head down the street. You are in the Elm Valley neighborhood, this is where your parents live, it's where your house is. Very ticky-tacky little houses, a little deli, kind of like, one of those weird, musty delis in like, very suburban neighborhoods that's like, not a lot of foot traffic so hardly anyone comes in. And above it, you see there's a tiny little apartment. The front door is locked.

0:59:12 Murph: Can I try to pick it?

0:59:15 Brennan: Yeah, go for it. Uh, that would be a Thieves’ Tools proficiency.

0:59:20 Murph: Okay, so 8 plus whatever that is.

0:59:23 Brennan: Whatever Dex is, yeah, no worries. You see Riz goes up, picks the lock. There's a very thin staircase with like, spiderwebs and other kind of stuff, like a black light. You guys walk up the steps, and you see there is a small, basically one room apartment. There's not even a bathroom, there's just a toilet in the corner.

0:59:47 Adaine: God, this black light is showing up so much cum. (laughing)

0:59:51 Kristen: Ugh, yeah. Is that what that is?

0:59:54 Adaine: I think so.

0:59:55 Brennan: You guys see around here, yeah, there's just a bunch of stuff. It is a fucking wreck in here. There's like, broken furniture, the bed is all strewn about, there's stuff sort of thrown everywhere. Go ahead and make whatever checks you guys would make in this new environment.

1:00:15 Murph: Let's make an Investigate.

1:00:16 Ally: I got a 26 Perception, can I check and see if it's been like, drawers have been searched through, like someone robbed?

1:00:23 Brennan: Cool.

1:00:24 Murph: I got 25, 25 Investigate.

1:00:25 Siobhan: Jesus Christ, I got another nat 20.

1:00:26 Ally: Fuck yeah!

1:00:27 Siobhan: What the hell is going on with this dice?

1:00:30 Brennan: Incredible. Okay, what did you get for Perception?

1:00:35 Ally: 27.

1:00:36 BRennan: Did you roll a nat 20?

1:00:37 Ally: No, I got a 19 and I have, uh--

1:00:39 Murph: I also got a 19.

1:00:41 Brennan: A nat 20 from Adaine.

1:00:42 Emily: There’s really no point in me rolling--

1:00:43 Murph: 25 Investigate.

1:00:44 Brennan: 25 Investigate from Riz, cool.

1:00:47 Emily: I did get a 10.

1:00:49 Zac: I got a 10 as well.

1:00:50 Brennan: Cool, 10 as well. Fabian, anything from you?

1:00:52 Lou: A 5. (laughing)

1:00:54 Brennan: First of all, to your question. Yes, this place was rifled through.

1:00:57 Ally: Okay.

1:00:58 Brennan: You start looking around. What you guys find, each of you finds a different thing. The first thing Adaine finds is, you find a whole bunch of ritual material. It's like, very well-kept star maps of the night sky, so incredible astronomical star maps. There are instructions for a ritual that involves certain stages of the moon, so they require it to be on the new moon, and the actual text of the invocation begins "On this All Hallows’ Eve".

1:01:36 Adaine: Oh God, so he has a very specifically Hallows’ Eve spell.

1:01:41 Fig: When is Hallows’ Eve?

1:01:41 Adaine: When is, that's soon, right?

1:01:43 Brennan: You, with that nat 20, you're looking at it. You don't think it was coming up. You think it happened.

1:01:49 Siobhan: Oh.

1:01:51 Brennan: You notice, the one thing that strikes your attention with that Investigate check, or that Perception check, is that his rat cage, his little rat cage, with like, little sawdust on the floor, little toys, stuff like that, the door is open, but it's not broken, meaning, it looks like the latch was undone. But you notice that it has been like, moved from where it normally stands, if that makes sense. Your intuition is telling you that this was opened during the combat that happened in here, during whatever fucking crazy thing happened in here. Oh, by the way, you also notice arcane residue of blood being cleaned magically. Prestidigitation of blood being cleaned. So this place wasn't put back together, but evidence was destroyed. Riz, you find two things. A little bottle in his bathroom that says, "Keep Cadaverously Cool With Midnight Ice Body Temperature Pills", little pills that he took to keep his body extremely cold. You also find, underneath his bed, Johnny Spells' contract with his demonic overlord. Johnny Spells' soul contract with Gorthalax the Insatiable.

1:03:14 Murph: Cool, so I'll bring it out and I'll show these guys. Can we read it?

1:03:18 Ally: Yeah, I'll show my findings to everyone too.

1:03:20 Siobhan: Yeah, can we read it?

1:03:20 Emily: Yeah.

1:03:21 Gorgug: We all found stuff.

1:03:23 Fig: What did he, oh, maybe we'll find out why he didn't fuck.

1:03:25 Fabian: I just took a break real quick.

1:03:26 Emily: Can we, yeah, let's definitely read--

1:03:27 Adaine: Yeah, why was he NoFap?

1:03:27 Fig: Why was he NoFap?

1:03:29 Brennan: You guys all rolled pretty fucking incredibly. You make a connection between the star map and the rituals, and that the ritual that, even though it's in Zayn Darkshadow's hand, it looks like Zayn reverse-engineered the ritual Johnny Spells used to become a warlock. And having his contract, however the fuck Zayn managed to get that here, must have given him some incredible power over Johnny Spells, to be able to call on him to do things. What you also realize is that the star chart and the new moon and the "On Hallows’ Eve", combining those together, you can completely find out where this ritual was done, because you know it had to be on Hallows’ Eve, you know what phase of the moon it was, and you know the stars and their position in the sky when it happened. So you could pinpoint to like a geographical certainty where this ritual went down.

1:04:30 Adaine: Okay, we can figure this out. I also think that we should call your mum, dude, 'cause there was a lot of blood in this room that's been cleaned up, so somebody has been here after whatever happened, and like, something went down.

1:04:43 Lou: I'm sorry, Zayn's body is in this room?

1:04:45 Brennan: No, Zayn's body is not in this room.

1:04:47 Ally: Is the rat in this room?

1:04:48 Brennan: The rat is not in this room either.

1:04:49 Emily: If he was invisible, you can't be invisible after death, right?

1:04:53 Brennan: No.

1:04:53 Siobhan: How far away is the place where the ritual happened?

1:04:57 Brennan: I would need you to make an Arcana check, and it would probably be something you'd have to do over like a couple minutes.

1:05:03 Siobhan: Okay.

1:05:04 Murph: Can I make another--

1:05:05 Kristen: Should we call your mom?

1:05:06 Riz: We can make an anonymous call.

1:05:06 Zac: Can I make a Perception check again?

1:05:08 Brennan: Yeah.

1:05:10 Zac: Ooh, I got an 18.

1:05:11 Brennan: Uh, cool. What are you looking for?

1:05:13 Zac: I just feel like, it just feels weird, so I just wanted to make sure that there's not like, another person coming or--

1:05:18 Brennan: Another weird thing in here?

1:05:20 Zac: Yeah. Or just like, someone watching us.

1:05:23 Brennan: I'll tell you what you figure out. The weapon that did this, that like, broke furniture and stuff, was a two-handed slashing weapon. So like a greataxe or something similar.

1:05:36 Gorgug: Did I do this? (laughing)

1:05:38 Fig: It's that freaking, it's that freaking barbarian teacher.

1:05:41 Riz: Can we see if there's any corn evidence, as they call it in the business? In the Rizness.

1:05:46 Fabian: Ugh, never say that again. Never ever say that again.

1:05:50 Riz: As they call it in the Rizness.

1:05:51 Fabian: No, oh!

1:05:51 Riz: Looking for corn.

1:05:51 Fabian: I'm trying to save you.

1:05:54 Riz: I'm sniffing around for corn.

1:05:55 Fig: What about, what about the Ballsness?

1:05:57 Brennan: Give me another Investigate check.

1:05:58 Fabian: No.

1:05:59 Murph: Oh boy, not, 12.

1:06:01 Fabian: I don't think we should be using our names in catchphrases at all.

1:06:03 Brennan: You actually do find some stuff in there, written in the margins of things. The thing that's not making sense to you anymore is that Zayn was a necromancer, a wizard, so there are some weird religious things similar to the Page of Shadows that animated that corn ooze, right? So there's some of them here or there that Zayn has in some of his notes. You also notice that, where you tend to find those doodles, you tend to find things ripped out, right? So like, things that would have had more clues about that are gone.

1:06:36 Kristen: Can we, should we text the crystal one more time, and see if we hear like, a sound?

1:06:42 Fig: Yes.

1:06:44 Riz: Yeah, that's a good idea.

1:06:45 Emily: I will text-- : Just like another question mark or something.

1:06:48 Emily: I will text tomorrow night, jazzy?

1:06:51 Ally: Jazzy Jeff

1:06:55 Brennan: You text it and no noise from the room.

1:06:58 Fig: Hmm.

1:06:59 Ally: Okay.

1:07:00 Riz: So the corn stuff's been removed from this little contract here.

1:07:04 Zac: Does anyone have good Animal Handling?

1:07:05 Emily: No.

1:07:06 Siobhan: No.

1:07:07 Lou: What animal would we handle?

1:07:08 Gorgug: Just see, just, I wonder--

1:07:09 Kristen: See if we can lure that rat out with another sexy rat?

1:07:13 Fabian: Please do not conjure--

1:07:15 Ally: We still have the one, like, the bright light sexy rat with us.

1:07:19 Emily: No, it only lasts for a minute, so it definitely disappeared.

1:07:21 Lou: Also, I would have killed it if it was still here.

1:07:24 Fig: So I would like to throw out that Porter, the barbarian teacher, would be wielding

1:07:29 Emily: Do I know what...?

1:07:31 Brennan: He had a hammer, a greathammer.

1:07:33 Emily: But that's gonna be a--

1:07:35 Siobhan: But that's not a slashing weapon.

1:07:36 Gorgug: I think, but also, the guys on the--

1:07:38 Riz: How was your little conversation with the old coach, there? Coach Daybreak?

1:07:43 Fig: What does he wield?

1:07:45 Kristen: It was not good. We just talked about religious shit.

1:07:48 Fig: What does he wield?

1:07:50 Gorgug: I think I know like, another person that could wield like that is the guy from the team that keeps bullying me.

1:07:58 Adaine: (gasps) Yeah.

1:07:59 Fig: But we know that one of the faculty was involved.

1:08:03 Adaine: But that doesn't mean that students aren't also involved.

1:08:06 Riz: What if it was that bully kid? He's a barbarian. What if the kid and Daybreak work together?

1:08:13 Fig: Or Porter.

1:08:14 Gorgug: We should just check out the whole team.

1:08:15 Kristen: You're right, because, uh, that, this guy...

1:08:20 Gorgug: He was at the field.

1:08:21 Kristen: He knocked into me when that, he knocked my bible into the corn, and then that bully hit you right afterwards when we were in line, day one, like to get lunch, remember we were talking?

1:08:31 Adaine: Oh my god, their bullying is a smokescreen for much worse things!

1:08:35 Fabian: Not a chance, that boy is much too stupid to get into some kind of--

1:08:38 Riz: Well no, I think he's the muscle.

1:08:39 Fig: I kind of agree.

1:08:40 Gorgug: But he can be stupid, I mean, I'm here.

1:08:43 Fabian: Okay, do not, do not put yourself down like that.

1:08:45 Adaine: You're not stupid.

1:08:46 Fig: Hey, you're great.

1:08:47 Fabian: Don't you dare do that to yourself.

1:08:48 Kristen: You're really smart and a really good dresser.

1:08:50 Fig: Yeah, we really like you.

1:08:51 Fabian: You're not really smart, but you're not dumb.

1:08:53 Kristen: Adaine, are you almost done? 'Cause we can figure that out and then leave.

1:08:55 Brennan: Go ahead and give me an Arcana check.

1:08:56 Siobhan: Oh, I got a 13.

1:08:57 Brennan: A 13, cool. You start putting them together. The location where this must have happened would have been east of the Marigold river, high up somewhere where you can see those stars.

1:09:20 Fig: Y'all, Durinson Mithril Factory.

1:09:26 Emily: Sorry, continue. I just got excited.

1:09:29 Adaine: It could be. That makes sense, it's up in the mountains. East of the river.

1:09:34 Fig: It also seems like somewhere that Zayn would hang out. An abandoned factory?

1:09:38 Riz: All we know is east of the river, or do we know northeast or anything?

1:09:41 Fabian: And high, right? East of the river and high.

1:09:44 Brennan: East of the river and high up, yeah.

1:09:46 Adaine: There's also the top of the Strongtower Luxury Apartments, but that's not as goth.

1:09:50 Riz: And there's also the Thistlespring Tree.

1:09:52 Brennan: Adaine, go ahead and make me an Arcana check.

1:09:56 Siobhan: Nat 1.

1:09:57 Brennan: Nat 1. Go ahead and roll for a panic attack. (laughing)

1:10:07 Siobhan: Uh, 17.

1:10:08 Brennan: Your breath starts to speed up a little bit as you realize that your friends are now basing their decisions off of whether your arcana work was good or not, and you begin to be unsure of everything that you just said.

1:10:25 Ally: I take, I put my hand on her shoulder, and I am into all this like, religious stuff too, so is there a way that I could take over with my Arcana or it's just magic stuff?

1:10:35 Brennan: It's just magic stuff, but you could actually give, you could take like a help action.

1:10:40 Ally: Cool.

1:10:40 Brennan: Or you could do something like that, yeah. Go ahead and roll advantage on that Arcana check.

1:10:44 Kristen: Adaine. [winks]

1:10:47 Adaine: What does it mean?

1:10:48 Kristen: I don't know. That was the first time I've ever done that.

1:10:52 Gorgug: Winked? (Ally laughs manically)

1:10:56 Siobhan: I got an 8 and an 18, so an 18.

1:10:59 Brennan: Cool.

1:11:00 Ally: Hell yeah.

1:11:00 Adaine: Thank you.

1:11:02 Kristen: No problem.

1:11:02 Brennan: You look back at it. It needs to be somewhere high up. The Strongtower Luxury Apartments are tall, but you immediately realize that the ritual calls for actually seeing the stars. Strongtower's downtown, there'd be too much light pollution for you to be able to see at that--

1:11:16 Ally: Mithril factory.

1:11:17 Adaine: Okay, I think it's the abandoned mithril factory.

1:11:19 Fig: Guys, I have a thought.

1:11:22 Riz: What is it? Does it have to do with a sexy rat?

1:11:24 Adaine: Is it another sexy rat?

1:11:26 Fig: (laughing) No.

1:11:26 Gorgug: Why are you laughing?

1:11:28 Fig: Well, 'cause it's, it's like, a leap, but may be potentially interesting. If we threw a party at the Durinson abandoned factory...

1:11:38 Kristen: Yes, yes.

1:11:40 Gorgug: I mean, maybe we should just look at it first.

1:11:41 Adaine: No, we should just go and investigate it, why would we throw a--

1:11:43 Kristen: What if we go and we pretend that we're gonna throw a party there?

1:11:47 Riz: Why don't we just go, and maybe we'll throw a party if it's cool there.

1:11:51 Kristen: If people stop us, we say we're throwing a party.

1:11:54 Adaine: Yeah, it's like a party planning investigation.

1:11:56 Fabian: A scouting mission to see if it's worthy of having a party there.

1:12:00 Gorgug: That's a very, it's a leap.

1:12:02 Kristen: Did you make this rat?

1:12:03 Fig: What did you say?

1:12:05 Kristen: Did you make another rat?

1:12:06 Fig: No, that one's just sexy on its own.

1:12:10 Riz: I also have these weird pills that make, they say they keep his body temperature down.

1:12:15 Kristen: Do you think that was a fashion thing, 'cause he wanted to be like, undead?

1:12:18 Adaine: Do you think he was using it on him?

1:12:20 Murph: Can I open the cap and see that there's actual pills in there?

1:12:22 Brennan: Yeah, make a Medicine check.

1:12:23 Murph: Ooh, I actually, I've got the Healer feat, but I don't think that helps me on Medicine checks. Um, 15 plus... 16.

1:12:34 Brennan: You crack it open, you smell some of the chemicals that are in there, some of the alchemical properties. There's a little bit of like, ghoul blood or something in here that would, it would take your body heat all the way down, take your body temperature way down without killing you, it would make you not sweat, it would make your biological functions kind of freeze up.

1:12:52 Zac: Wait a second. Look at the pearl again.

1:12:57 Ally: Oh yeah.

1:12:58 Siobhan: Is it still… Is the pearl still white?

1:13:00 Ally: Can we check if the pearl is white or black?

1:13:02 Brennan: The pearl is still white.

1:13:02 Zac: Okay, I'm sorry.

1:13:04 Siobhan: No, it might be right, I mean--

1:13:06 Fabian: See, but it's moments like that that prove you're smart!

1:13:08 Gorgug: But I'm usually wrong.

1:13:09 Adaine: I think it's a great instinct.

1:13:11 Brennan: The pills are neutral, the pills are- 'Cause they don't actually hurt you, they're just cosmetic. It's a thing that necromancers-

1:13:17 Ally: But they weren't like fucked with or anything?

1:13:18 Brennan: Not that you can see, no, there doesn't appear to be any poison or--

1:13:21 Siobhan: How long do they last for? Does it say how long they last for?

1:13:24 Brennan: Yeah, the side of the bottle it says, "one pill every 48 hours."

1:13:28 Siobhan: 48 hours?

1:13:29 Murph: Can you drink with them?

1:13:31 Brennan: (laughs) It doesn't recommend drinking with them.

1:13:35 Emily: Can pregnant women use them? (laughing)

1:13:39 Gorgug: Should you ask your doctor before you...

1:13:41 Riz: We go to the mithril factory!

1:13:42 Kristen: Yeah, yeah, let's get out of, are we gonna make an anonymous tip?

1:13:46 Riz: Oh yeah, okay, we can--

1:13:47 Siobhan: Oh yeah. Can I also cast Unseen Servant to get all of the fingerprints that we've left completely everywhere in this place?

1:13:52 Emily: Aww, that's so cute and mean.

1:13:54 Riz: Why don't we call, yeah, we'll call on Zayn's phone.

1:13:58 Gorgug: While you're calling--

1:13:58 Riz: Or if he has like a, does he have a landline?

1:14:01 Gorgug: Can you give us a speech again? I really liked it last time.

1:14:03 Riz: Oh yeah.

1:14:04 Kristen: Yeah, it really did help us, huh? You guys, unfortunately… Do we have time? Should we get out of here or should I just?

1:14:13 Fig: I think it should be right before we go to--

1:14:14 Adaine: Why don't you, on the way to the mithril factory, you can give us an Inspiring Speech.

1:14:18 Kristen: Okay, I'm just gonna let you know that I'm feeling, for the first time in my life, really dry. Usually I have so much passion for this, but I feel like even since meeting Helio and him just like, refusing to answer the number one question on my mind--

1:14:34 Gorgug: It's gonna get inspiring soon.

1:14:36 Kristen: Has just kinda left me feeling like, tasteless, or like, gray.

1:14:42 Emily: Can I give her Bardic Inspiration?

1:14:45 Kristen: (groans) I just, this isn't really me, but uh, we can do it, and I'm so glad I'm alive and I was thrust into this kooky puzzle with no answer for what, 80 years of my life What kind of Hell is that?

1:15:06 Gorgug: You just called life a kooky puzzle.

1:15:08 Fabian: What's happening, what's happening?

1:15:10 Kristen: It's like I'm in the middle of the desert starving, with only canned food and no can opener. I thought this fork was a can opener, but it's not!

1:15:21 Adaine: It's hard for me to completely empathize, because I am immortal, but I would say that life is for the living.

1:15:31 Kristen: Oh, you know what's funny about that? My whole life, I've been living for the afterlife. Everything's been a promise for the afterlife, and I don't think that's even coming, and you know what? I might be in love with a woman, and that's crazy.

1:15:47 Adaine: No, that's cool.

1:15:48 Kristen: No, you don't know my parents. My parents are gonna send me away to where I pray the gay away. Do you know how crazy that is?

1:15:57 Riz: Kristen, here's the good news, is that there's all this corn stuff going on, and your parents might be evil.

1:16:02 Kristen: I used a corn to masturbate the other night!

1:16:04 Adaine: Oh my God.

1:16:06 Kristen: Do you hear me? Yeah! I saw online, I was deep in Reddit, and there were a couple tips for new masturbators.

1:16:12 Riz: r/corn?

1:16:14 Adaine: What?

1:16:15 Zac: I'm just listening.

1:16:17 Lou: Can I take inspiration in this speech from the self-assuredness that I'm feeling, and I'm like, oh, I have things relatively figured out.

1:16:24 Kristen: (wordless yelling) Sometimes I look at my hands, and I'm like, these aren't my hands.

1:16:27 Fabian: “I know my hands are my hands, okay, good.”

1:16:29 Kristen: I would have noticed that they look like this by now!

1:16:30 Murph: Yeah, Riz thought he was really lonely, but it turns out--

1:16:33 Brennan: Yeah, as sort of a cautionary tale, everyone here gains temporary hit points. So your level plus your charisma modifier, so everyone, 4 plus-- What was your charisma?

1:16:42 Ally: Oh, 3.

1:16:43 Brennan: 3. So that's gonna be 7 temporary hit points.

1:16:44 Ally: Cool.

1:16:45 Siobhan: Sick.

1:16:47 Ally: (sobbing) I'm kind of crying, but like--

1:16:51 Brennan: Uh, so, you guys get in a car headed toward the Durinson, you like order a car or something like that, you guys head over to the Durinson Mithril Factory?

1:16:59 Fig: I'm driving, of course.

1:17:00 Lou: Can I communicate with my motorcycle?

1:17:03 Brennan: Yeah, you can if you'd like.

1:17:04 Lou: Can I ask it to meet me at the Durinson Mithril Factory?

1:17:09 Hangman: Master, where do you wish me to meet you?

1:17:12 Fabian: Hangman, can you please meet us at the Durinson Mithril Factory posthaste?

1:17:17 Hangman: I know the Durinson Mithril Factory, I have been there many times.

1:17:21 Fabian: Oh, well! Guys, my motorcycle has been to the Durinson Mithril Factory. What business would you have there, motorcycle?

1:17:28 Hangman: My previous master, whose skull was split by your bolt, drove me there many times.

1:17:36 Fabian: Oh, Johnny Spells spent a lot-- What was he doing--

1:17:38 Adaine: Oh my God, thank God, that means we're going to the right place.

1:17:41 Fabian: Do you know what he was doing there, motorcycle?

1:17:42 Hangman: He was visiting his benefactor.

1:17:45 Fabian: Oh, his benefactor is at the Durinson Mithril Factory.

1:17:48 Adaine: Oh God.

1:17:49 Kristen: Insatiable?

1:17:50 Fabian: Was it the Gorog the Insatiable?

1:17:53 Brennan: You see he says,

1:17:55 Hangman: Gorthalax.

1:17:57 Fabian: Oh, Gorthalax, yes.

1:17:59 Riz: Is he like a big corn cutie?

1:18:01 Brennan: You see it says, um--

1:18:03 Fig: Does he look like corn?

1:18:04 Kristen: I can't look at corn.

1:18:06 Fabian: You all don't get to talk to my motorcycle, I get to talk to my motorcycle.

1:18:09 Fig: Yeah, fair, fair shit, fair.

1:18:09 Hangman: Gorthalax is enormous, terrifying, a vision of flame and hatred.

1:18:17 Fabian: Oh, so it was Gorthalax?

1:18:18 Hangman: Gorthalax.

1:18:20 Fabian: Oh, fantastic. He used to meet Gorthalax at the Durin Mithril Factory.

1:18:24 Adaine: Oh, fantastic.

1:18:25 Fabian: Where we're going right now.

1:18:26 Hangman: I will meet you there.

1:18:29 Fabian: Alright, fantastic. My motorcycle's gonna meet us there.

1:18:32 Brennan: You guys head out to the Durinson Mithril Factory. Go ahead and make perception checks on your way there.

1:18:39 Adaine: Let's not separate this time.

1:18:40 Fig: Yeah.

1:18:41 Siobhan: Oh shit.

1:18:42 Ally: 21.

1:18:43 Zac: 13.

1:18:44 Siobhan: 9.

1:18:45 Lou: 4.

1:18:45 Emily: 8.

1:18:45 Murph: 10.

1:18:46 Brennan: Uh, 21? You notice on your way there, up in the night sky above you. As you sort of, you can't see in the dark very well, but looking to the sky for some kind of meaning in the middle of your existential drift, you see, above the moon, which is just a sliver of light, an owl passes over the moon, followed by another.

1:19:13 Kristen: You guys, there are a bunch of owls.

1:19:15 Fig: They know we're coming?

1:19:17 Adaine: I hate this.

1:19:17 Fabian: What? Ugh, more owls.

1:19:19 Fig: I have a thought. Should we, should we go tomorrow night? 'Cause right now, everyone knows we're coming.

1:19:25 Kristen: How?

1:19:26 Riz: They might be doing some kind of ritual though.

1:19:28 Fig: The owls are spying on us.

1:19:29 Fabian: Guys, we could take a bunch of owls.

1:19:30 Brennan: You see there's a gnomish driver in the front of the car saying,

1:19:32 Driver: You pay for the ride if you get out. You pay for the whole ride.

1:19:35 Kristen: Look, we're going.

1:19:35 Riz: We're going.

1:19:36 Fabian: We're going.

1:19:37 Ally: Here, I'm gonna use this. I take out a Coexist sticker, and I cast Light on it. (Brennan laughing)

1:19:43 Fabian: Where'd you get that?

1:19:45 Kristen: I forgot that I had it, I was praying for it for a while, for all the people who were this wrong.

1:19:51 Brennan: You guys, you now see the car wend its way up a long, dusty road. You see there are small little whisky bars and little kind of houses hewn into the rough stone, it's kind of a dwarven neighborhood up here. A lot of dwarves got laid off a couple years back when the Durinson Mithril Factory closed down, and it's been abandoned for some time. Up in the distance, you see it. Tall, redbrick towers, huge vats of alchemical material meant to refine mithril, the lightest, strongest metal of them all. You see that the car approaches at a certain point, and you guys see a chain-link fence that has been chained up and locked, and the car drops you off. Alright.

1:20:37 Adaine: Thank you.

1:20:38 Kristen: Thank you.

1:20:39 Driver: You guys, uh, you doing like a party up here?

1:20:41 Fabian: We're scouting for one.

1:20:43 Driver: Well, it's a good place for a party.

1:20:45 Riz: Do you take a lot of people up here for parties?

1:20:48 Driver: Oh no, hardly nobody, no, it's bad up here.

1:20:51 Kristen: What?

1:20:52 Driver: Alright.

1:20:54 Kristen: Thanks for paying again, Fabian.

1:20:56 Fabian: Of course.

1:20:57 Fig: Thanks, Fabian.

1:20:58 Fabian: You all need money for shit.

1:21:01 Kristen: I'm gonna take that as a sweet thing.

1:21:04 Zac: Can I make a Perception?

1:21:06 Emily: Yeah, I wanna do a Perception check if anyone's watching us.

1:21:08 Lou: Also, has my motorcycle arrived?

1:21:11 Hangman: Master.

1:21:12 Fabian: Oh, hello, Hangman!

1:21:14 Riz: Oh good, a big loud motorcycle.

1:21:16 Emily: I got a 6 on my Perception check.

1:21:18 Zac: Me too.

1:21:18 Siobhan: I got a 15.

1:21:20 Lou: Nope, 5 again.

1:21:21 Murph: Goddamn 5.

1:21:25 Ally: Uh, I have 21.

1:21:27 Brennan: You hear a noise, Kristen, coming from inside the mithril factory, which is like, dilapidated and old. You can smell kind of acrid smell. I'll also point out that the factory is on the edge of this enormous cliff that drops into a quarry. To call this thing a quarry is like, it's, what an understatement. It is an endless drop into inky blackness.

1:21:53 Ally: I'm just staring into it.

1:21:55 Brennan: Uh... (laughs)

1:21:56 Emily: I pull her away from it.

1:21:58 Brennan: The chain-link fence opens into a little dusty parking lot, and then you can tell that there's the other side of the factory from here, is probably more dilapidated than this side, 'cause it's been exposed to the elements. You hear a noise from the factory, of (imitates zipping and rattling noises). And then you hear, uh, who here speaks--? First of all, everyone that doesn't speak Dwarven hears like... (coarse foreign speech and laughter). Who here speaks Dwarven?

1:22:37 Siobhan: Uh, I don't think any of us do, but I do have Comprehend Languages.

1:22:40 Brennan: What would you like--?

1:22:41 Siobhan: So I will cast Comprehend Languages.

1:22:46 Brennan: You hear, so Adaine, letters and runes of all possible tongues surround your head, and the languages are deciphered for you through the arcane mystery of your elven magic craft. You hear,

1:22:59 Dwarf: Sick grind, brother!

1:23:01 Dwarf: Aye, that it was! Oh, drop in, drop in, and shred! (laughs)

1:23:08 Adaine: Guys, I think there's a bunch of skaters in there.

1:23:10 Fabian: Oh, well, that's fantastic.

1:23:12 Fig: That sounds awesome.

1:23:12 Fabian: It's better than demons or zombies or something.

1:23:15 Adaine: Uh, yeah, no, skaters are cool.

1:23:18 Fabian: Motorcycle, how far did Johnny Spells go into the factory with you, or did you stop around here?

1:23:23 Hangman: All the way in, master.

1:23:25 Fabian: Oh, fantastic. Can you lead the way?

1:23:27 Hangman: Yes.

1:23:29 Brennan: Um, your motorcycle backs up...

1:23:31 Fabian: I love this motorcycle.

1:23:33 Brennan: And fucking blasts through the chain-link fence.

1:23:37 Fabian: Oh, good show, motorcycle! Good show!

1:23:41 Hangman: (wordless yelling) I have killed the fence.

1:23:44 Kristen: I feel like we should just stealthily walk in there.

1:23:47 Fig: I like this.

1:23:49 Brennan: You guys hear the noise stop from within. What are you guys gonna do?

1:23:55 Gorgug: Shall we hide?

1:23:56 Riz: Uh, why don't we hide.

1:23:57 Adaine: We can't hide, there's a fucking huge motorbike.

1:23:59 Fabian: Yeah, why would we hide?

1:24:00 Riz: Why don't we just leave the motorcycle for a second?

1:24:01 Fabian: The motorcycle knows where we're, the motor knows better than any of us where to go.

1:24:06 Gorgug: I feel like it's a dumb motorcycle.

1:24:09 Fabian: My motorcycle is not dumb.

1:24:10 Riz: I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hide and stealth ahead and just see what's going on and I'll give you guys--

1:24:14 Brennan: You hear a voice call out and say,

1:24:17 Dwarf: Those who tread here in this, the hall of our fathers and our fathers' fathers, you have made yourselves known.

1:24:27 Adaine: They--

1:24:28 Dwarf: Show now your face.

1:24:29 Adaine: Super know that we're here.

1:24:31 Riz: Why don't you guys go say hi. I'll hide, and then I'll pop out if something bad happens.

1:24:35 Gorgug: I'll just, I'll take--

1:24:36 Fig: I'm here to skate.

1:24:38 Kristen: Me too.

1:24:39 Brennan: Do you guys walk 'round to see who you're speaking to?

1:24:41 Lou: 100%

1:24:42 Murph: I'm gonna try to sneak and follow them.

1:24:43 Ally: Yeah, let's do it. Everyone but Riz.

1:24:44 Murph: Like and try to get around--

1:24:46 Brennan: Go ahead and give me a stealth check.

1:24:47 Murph: Behind them, kinda.

1:24:49 Emily: I'm making a big show of it to be cover for Riz.

1:24:52 Lou: I'm right there, I also, I get on my motorcycle and like, let it ride up.

1:24:57 Emily: I have a Minor Illusion of a skateboard on my shoulder. (laughing)

1:25:01 Ally: That you're holding like a boombox?

1:25:02 Lou: We look cool as shit.

1:25:04 Ally: Oh, you know people with their skateboards, always this.

1:25:06 Brennan: You guys walk up. An entire side of the brick factory has collapsed in. You see a bunch of stocky, bearded dwarves, thick beards, with like, big tee-shirts and thick, baggy jeans and fat sneakers, holding these insane stone and steel skateboards that have like, harsh dwarven runes carved into them. There are two enormous half-pipes. There's one half-pipe outside, kind of like, on the cliff edge, and there's another one in the actual dripping, dilapidated, like three floors of the factory kind of collapsed in, so there's this insane fucking death hazard skate park that they have retrofitted this abandoned factory as. You see the dwarves look at you. They're holding hammers and axes and stuff like that. You see that they have, one of them has a crystal set up on their helmet, and you see that another one is holding one sort of in their hand like this Brennan holds his hands in front of his body as they sort of go up on their skates. So you guys are looking into the dilapidated building with your back to this giant quarry, basically. How are you guys, are you guys like all together as you're standing? Aside from Riz, who's sneaking.

1:26:26 Emily: Yes, yeah.

1:26:27 Zac: I'm standing in the front.

1:26:28 Lou: I'm behind him on my motorcycle.

1:26:30 Emily: I'm right in the front, I'm out there.

1:26:32 Zac: I'm trying to stand in front of you.

1:26:34 Ally: I'm behind you.

1:26:35 Brennan: Rad. You see one of the dwarves steps forward. Big shield, camera on the helmet, the little crystal on the helmet, and goes,

1:26:43 Dwarf: Who now approaches the ancient halls of the Durinson Mithril Factories, where our fathers and our fathers' fathers worked long days so that we might come here and sneak--

1:26:59 Gorgug: And skate?

1:27:00 Dwarf: What?

1:27:01 Gorgug: And skate?

1:27:02 Dwarf: Yeah, we skate, but so what?

1:27:03 Fig: Yeah, no, awesome. We just had--

1:27:05 Fabian: We're all about that.

1:27:06 Adaine: You were really cool.

1:27:07 Fig: Yeah, we're just fellow lovers of speed.

1:27:09 Adaine: And like, fans. We're just fans.

1:27:11 Kristen: We're thinking about starting a streetwear company and we wanted like, real people to model for it.

1:27:16 Fig: That's a really big leap, but I'm right there with you. Yup, streetwear.

1:27:19 Kristen: I'm just, I'm a new me. I'm just, big lies coming out of my mouth.

1:27:24 Dwarf: You're starting a streetwear company?

1:27:27 Fabian: Well, fellows, I mean, it's not that simple. I mean, we're trying to understand the culture of the street, that we might then base wear upon it.

1:27:34 Gorgug: Yeah, like a--

1:27:35 Adaine: Fabian is the money.

1:27:36 Fabian: Yes, I'm the money.

1:27:37 Gorgug: I'm the creative.

1:27:40 Fabian: Yes, he's the creative.

1:27:42 Kristen: The one creative.

1:27:42 Murph: Riz is just slamming his head into the wall.

1:27:45 Brennan: You see they say,

1:27:46 Dwarf: You each speak half of a different story. Do not use your words lightly around those of the dwarven folk.

1:27:54 Fabian: Hey, my man, please relax.

1:27:57 Dwarf: I'm a girl!

1:27:58 Kristen: Oh, cool.

1:28:00 Dwarf: I'm a girl! My name is Torek Railgrinder!

1:28:04 Kristen: Cool!

1:28:05 Fabian: Very cool.

1:28:06 Torek: I have shredded in these halls and dropped into half-pipes deeper and more fearsome than any dwarf before me.

1:28:15 Gorgug: Did they do it?

1:28:16 Fig: Dude, I would love to see you do this. This sounds fucking awesome, and I'm here to spectate.

1:28:20 Brennan: You see she says,

1:28:20 Torek: See this. You have seen your last. We will drive out the invaders!

1:28:30 Brennan: I'm gonna just, to make a--

1:28:31 Zac: The what?

1:28:32 Ally: The what?

1:28:33 Siobhan: She said "drive out the invaders".

1:28:34 Zac: Oh.

1:28:35 Ally: Oh right.

1:28:36 Brennan: First of all, make a Perception check for me real quick.

1:28:39 Ally: Nat 20.

1:28:40 Zac: 5.

1:28:41 Brennan: Nat 20. You see a group of owls on a tree branch that all look at this and fly out from here. On a nat 20, you get the impression that you have led these creatures to what they're looking for, and that they are going to go get something to come here.

1:29:03 Ally: Oh no.

1:29:06 Brennan: The clock is ticking. You guys see that the dwarves start going,

1:29:12 Dwarves: Crush, Crush, Crush, Crush!

1:29:14 Kristen: Hey, hey, hey.

1:29:15 Brennan: The exterior half-pipe, the outside half-pipe, begins to move, and an enormous pavement golem, made of asphalt, with highway stripes, and like, borders, like the white and yellow stripes covering its body, with rails on its arms, stands up with the half-pipe on top of it. Now I need everybody here to roll Initiative.

1:29:52 Zac: Come on, give me a good one. Give me a good one.

1:29:54 Ally: Nat 20 again!

1:29:56 Murph: 21.

1:29:57 Siobhan: Jesus.

1:29:57 Ally: Fuck yeah.

1:29:58 Zac: 15.

1:29:59 Siobhan: 13.

1:30:00 Emily: 9.

1:30:01 Lou: 8.

1:30:02 Brennan: Amazing. That's all for this week on Fantasy High. Tune in next week as we see what shakes down at the Durinson Mithril Factory. Bye bye! [NEXT EPISODE - Episode 8: Havoc on the Half-Pipe] [NEXT TIME ON FANTASY HIGH]

1:30:08 Fabian: You worry about the dwarves, I'll take care of the golem. [wordless yelling, growling]

1:30:13 Siobhan: Oh shit.

1:30:14 Brennan: This dwarf grinds along this rail...

1:30:16 Zac: Of course he did. (creepy groaning)

1:30:19 Emily: Throw the dwarves off the cliff.

1:30:21 Dwarf: You'll pay for this!

1:30:25 Brennan: Inches from this bubbling green shit.

1:30:27 Murph: I'll jump out of the way at the last second.

1:30:29 Brennan: This is the coolest shit that's ever happened. Box of doom.

1:30:32 Group: What? (creaky whispering)

1:30:35 Kristen: Who the fuck is that?

1:30:36 Fabian: Who the fuck is that, Fig?

1:30:36 Murph: This is awesome.

1:30:36 Captions extracted by: gluegunshots

1:30:36 Edited by: gluegunshots, Finley Sweets, Matzoballmonk