Dishing with a Demon (Ep. 9)

0:00:00 Brennan: Fabian cranks the fucking engine of the Hangman, the strands of web attached to the bike. Gorgug grabs Riz under one arm adding extra weight to the jump, up, boom! You guys leap from here. (stone scraping) Bam!

0:00:09 Siobhan: Oh, dope.

0:00:18 Brennan: Into the fucking acid!

0:00:20 Zac: [war crying] (laughing)

0:00:22 Siobhan: So dope!

0:00:23 Brennan: The living dwarves turn to face you. The ruby deep beneath the factory glows and you hear-- [mimics power chord thundering] Bursting up with you on his back-- (players squealing and laughing)

0:00:38 Siobhan: Oh my God!

0:00:40 Lou: What the fuck?

0:00:41 Ally: What the fuck?

0:00:42 Brennan: Bursting forward, an ancient demon of flame and fire.

0:00:48 Gorthalax: Fig?

0:00:49 Fig: Daddy? [END RECAP] [Intro plays; owlbear screeches, marching band drumming, owlbear roars]

0:00:58 Lou: Brennan?

0:00:58 Brennan: Yeah?

0:00:59 Lou: My goal today?

0:01:01 Brennan: Yeah?

0:01:02 Lou: Is to make your life a living hell.

0:01:04 Brennan: Hey, dude?

0:01:05 Siobhan: Yeah, man, we’re not even going to this place you’ve set--

0:01:06 Brennan: Give me your fucking best, dude.

0:01:09 Emily: Yeah, Brennan.

0:01:09 Siobhan: Fuck you, man. We just wanna go eat ice cream and go to the library.

0:01:13 Brennan: You can't avoid what you don't know you're trying to miss, you know what I mean? I am around you, I'm in here. I am fuckin’-- (giggling)

0:01:20 Lou: Dude, I spent the last five days studying.

0:01:22 Siobhan: I cast Ray of Sickness on the DM.

0:01:24 Brennan: Uh, the DM fucking accepts and fuckin' barfs fucking monsters out at you, you know what I mean, dude? (laughing) I mean I'm ready, baby! Hello and welcome back to Fantasy High, and my name is Brennan Lee Mulligan. These are our intrepid heroes. Say hi, intrepid heroes!

0:01:35 All: Hi, intrepid heroes!

0:01:37 Brennan: (shouting) No! Guys, we're having such a great time. (laughing)

0:01:42 Brennan: Last we left our intrepid heroes, they were back at the Durinson Mithril Factory having released [deep voice] Gorthalax the Insatiable [normal voice] from deep within the bowels of the old mines. Gorthalax turned out to be Fig's dad.

0:01:55 Emily: Woo!

0:01:56 Siobhan: Daddy!

0:01:57 Brennan: Daddy.

0:01:58 Emily: (sighs happily) So good to be back. (Ally chuckles)

0:02:00 Brennan: Did we have some business to wrap up at the Mithril Factory last we left off?

0:02:05 Siobhan: I just wanted to make sure the dwarf that we made unconscious didn't die, since they are just a bunch of kids. Right?

0:02:08 Ally: Mmm.

0:02:11 Zac: I think they took 'em away, didn't they?

0:02:13 Siobhan: They did?

0:02:13 Brennan: You saw Torek Railgrinder raise her ax and shield and fully heal that dwarf. As they skate away, you see their backpacks. These kids are from Oakshield. Meaning they're middle school kids.

0:02:27 Siobhan: They're middle school kids.

0:02:28 Brennan: They're middle school kids.

0:02:29 Emily: Real quick, real quick--

0:02:30 Siobhan: We almost got dunked on so badly by a bunch of middle school kids. So embarrassing.

0:02:32 Ally: Yeah. We did get dunked on so bad.

0:02:34 Murph: No, but we dunked on them.

0:02:35 Emily: So no one--

0:02:35 Siobhan: Well, no, but even needing to dunk against a middle schooler means that we got dunked on.

0:02:41 Ally: Yeah.

0:02:42 Murph: There are no almost dunks. We dunked.

0:02:43 Ally: No.

0:02:44 Zac: You ever dunked on like a little goal? It’s--great.

0:02:46 Emily: No one died, they all skated away?

0:02:48 Brennan: You dropped, well, the golem is very much destroyed, but whether it was ever living and can be said to have died is a matter of kind of arcane cosmology.

0:02:57 Murph: He didn't. (laughing)

0:03:00 Zac: It's easier for my brain, he didn't die.

0:03:02 Emily: He died.

0:03:03 Brennan: But the dwarves all made it out fine.

0:03:05 Emily: Okay, so there's no, like, extra skateboards lying around that I could snag?

0:03:10 Brennan: You do not see any extra skateboards. You can see there’s--

0:03:12 Emily: Can I do a search check to double check?

0:03:14 Brennan: Go ahead and make an Investigate check.

0:03:19 Emily: Ooh, bitch. Uh, that's gonna be 19.

0:03:21 Brennan: A 19? So you're just like snoopin' around lookin' for an extra deck, and your fucking long lost father is like,

0:03:29 Gorthalax: [deep, gravelly voice] Hey, uh, you lookin' for anything? I think we said we were gonna go get some ice cream, right?

0:03:35 Fabian: [uppity voice] Yes, that was the plan.

0:03:36 Fig: [chill teen girl voice] Let's do that.

0:03:37 Gorthalax: All right, let's do it, huh?

0:03:39 Emily: Um, I link arms with my daddy.

0:03:41 Brennan: You link arms with your daddy. He sort of looks down at the enormous arm, smiles down with this weird skull demon face. This sort of--[snarls] Um, you see he goes,

0:03:51 Gorthalax: By the dark powers of the nine realms of the pit, I transport us.

0:03:58 Brennan: [mimics lightning] A fiery pentagram covers the ground underneath you, and whoosh, you appear in the parking lot of Basrar's!

0:04:06 Fig: My dad is so metal.

0:04:08 Fabian: (chuckles) Ho, wow!

0:04:10 Gorthalax: Rad, all right! Well, you guys fire away, and just whatever you like, get whatever you like!

0:04:15 Siobhan: I like grab Kristen to the back of the group as we're walking in and I'm like,

0:04:20 Adaine: [quiet British accent] This is bad, right?

0:04:21 Kristen: [lower voice, distressed] I don't know anymore.

0:04:25 Adaine: Okay, but-- I know that you're going through an existential crisis, but--

0:04:27 Kristen: Adaine, I talked to the devil.

0:04:31 Adaine: Yeah, and--

0:04:31 Kristen: In fire.

0:04:32 Adaine: That's good? Is that good?

0:04:34 Kristen: But it wasn't this devil.

0:04:36 Adaine: It was a different devil? Well, I mean, there are many gods and many devils.

0:04:40 Kristen: Yeah, you're right, but also, this might not be good. He seems kinda weird.

0:04:44 Adaine: Yeah, I just, I don't know, it's weird.

0:04:46 Kristen: Yeah.

0:04:47 Adaine: I mean I'm still gonna take the ice cream.

0:04:49 Kristen: Yeah, same.

0:04:50 Emily: I've created a Minor Illusion. I've cast a Minor Illusion on my shirt so now it says, "Daddy's little demon."

0:04:57 Kristen: I feel like no one I know actually uses the word “daddy” as much as I'm hearing it used.

0:05:03 Adaine: No, I--

0:05:03 Kristen: It's a sex thing, right? Like, I don't know.

0:05:06 Adaine: It seems like a sex thing.

0:05:06 Zac: Why don't you make my shirt say, "Her daddy's little demon?" (chuckling)

0:05:14 Murph: Do we-- Does, uh, does Gorthalax still have the rat?

0:05:20 Brennan: Yes, he is holding this small little rat. He goes,

0:05:22 Gorthalax: Hey, do you wanna hold onto this?

0:05:25 Riz: [slight nasally voice] Yeah.

0:05:26 Gorthalax: Here you go. Little squeaky guy. Look at him. Look at him go.

0:05:29 Ally: Aw, cute!

0:05:30 Brennan: So you guys go in there, he, like, crawls in through the door and stomps over. Basrar comes over, sort of a little icy whirlwind genie in this soda fountain clerk outfit. He goes,

0:05:43 Basrar: [whimsical voice] Ah, I see that your wish for ice cream later has, unless you do not wish to use that wish at this point.

0:05:51 Fig: Actually, we don't need to use it because [loudly] my dad will be paying.

0:05:57 Kristen: [under breath] Thank God.

0:05:58 Gorthalax: Oh, sure, yeah, absolutely. You guys file in, and I got it, the whole thing's on Gorthalax, so that's fine.

0:06:05 Brennan: You are led over to like a big, round, cushy red booth over at the corner. Gorthalax looks up, and you can see-- Everyone make an Insight check. (chuckling)

0:06:21 Siobhan: Uh, 20, not nat 20.

0:06:22 Murph: 23.

0:06:23 Ally: 27.

0:06:24 Zac: 5.

0:06:24 Emily: I got a 12.

0:06:25 Murph: So insightful. (chuckling)

0:06:27 Siobhan: (to Zac) He might be your dad! (chuckles)

0:06:29 Brennan: Here's the thing, Gorgug. You know how important this moment is for Fig, so you would never want to, like, steal her thunder or rain on her parade. [quiet piano music] It seems pretty likely that-- (Emily laughs)

0:06:41 Brennan: Gorthalax is probably also your dad.

0:06:43 Gorgug: My dad? (laughing)

0:06:45 Murph: What did you roll?

0:06:47 Zac: 5. (laughing)

0:06:49 Brennan: Um, you got a 27 And you got a 23?

0:06:52 Murph: Uh, yeah.

0:06:53 Brennan: You guys are looking at Gorthalax sitting next to Fig, and you see his body language is such that his knees are kind of drawn up, his giant hooves, he's like trying not to hit anything. His wings are kind of folded up behind him, he's like tied up his whip on his belt of this weird, furry loincloth with, like, human skulls on it. And you see that he looks extremely bashful and kind of shy, like he's trying to make as good an impression as possible. Uh, and just looks very-- you see he keeps looking over at Fig and kind of smiling, and seems-- kind of also very jarred, from having been trapped in a ruby for some amount of years, and being free. He looks down at Fig and says,

0:07:39 Gorthalax: So wow, so these are your pals. Tell me all about it. How's adventuring academy and all that?

0:07:45 Fig: Oh, it's cool. Um, I'm taking a lot of barbarian classes, (chuckles) um, so--

0:07:50 Gorthalax: Great! That's great. You should be well rounded, I mean, you're young.

0:07:53 Gorgug: [somber music playing] I'm a barbarian, and I just, uh, just thought I'd interject here, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for the past few minutes, but I think I should address it. (Emily chuckles)

0:08:09 Riz: (quietly) Gorgug, please.

0:08:10 Kristen: Gorgug.

0:08:10 Gorgug: Are you my dad?

0:08:11 Fabian: (groaning)

0:08:12 Riz: Gorgug, you gotta stop--

0:08:12 Gorgug: Are you my sister, and are you my dad? (Emily laughing)

0:08:16 Fabian: I'm so sorry, sir, this is--

0:08:17 Gorgug: We're all thinking it, we're all wondering--

0:08:19 Fabian: [yelling] None of us thinking--

0:08:20 Riz: You're thinking that.

0:08:21 Kristen: Fig is really great, uh--

0:08:22 Emily: Fig starts crying, and she's like,

0:08:24 Fig: My little family is growing.

0:08:27 Fabian: Fig, do not encourage him! Fig, don't encourage this.

0:08:30 Gorthalax: We're gonna take a TO, we're gonna take a time out, so--

0:08:32 Gorgug: Are you my papa?

0:08:34 Gorthalax: I, hey, here's the thing. Uh, I think probably, if I were your dad, you would have probably sprouted horns or shown some kind of infernal legacy. That doesn't mean that I'm not proud of you, and it doesn't mean that I don't think it's great that you really--you guys kicked ass in that battle. I mean, good job, kiddo.

0:09:02 Kristen: Thanks.

0:09:03 Adaine: Thank you.

0:09:04 Fig: Thank you.

0:09:05 Fabian: That's very sweet of you.

0:09:05 Kristen: Yeah, that's really nice.

0:09:07 Gorthalax: Hey--

0:09:08 Kristen: Gorgug has dinky parents.

0:09:09 Fabian: [offended] Kristen!

0:09:10 Adaine: [crosstalk] Oh, they're so cute, I love his parents. I love your parents so much.

0:09:12 Gorgug: [crosstalk] They are pretty dinky.

0:09:14 Kristen: I didn't mean like that. Just to explain why he's kind of hung up on this. Sorry, I didn't mean that as like an insult.

0:09:16 Gorgug: [mouthing “You’re okay.”]

0:09:19 Gorthalax: This might seem crazy, but I kind of-- I've always felt like family isn't purely limited to blood. You sort of choose your family.

0:09:28 Kristen: Yeah, it's like everyone else who believes in the same god you do.

0:09:31 Siobhan: Adaine just has one tear. Just like scrolling down her face.

0:09:35 Gorthalax: Um, so that's wild. So you guys, how did you find me? That's crazy.

0:09:43 Fig: So we, you shoulda seen us in this other fight, I was driving a Corvette-- we have all the time in the world, I'm sure you'll hear about it. Um, but we, you know, we killed--

0:09:59 Siobhan: Can I Message to Fig to say I don't think that we should tell him about the palimpsest?

0:10:07 Brennan: Yeah, you hear Adaine, [whooshes] go ahead and make a Slight of Hand to conceal this from Gorthalax. (chuckling) (Zac groans)

0:10:15 Siobhan: A 4.

0:10:16 Brennan: You see Gorthalax stops suddenly and says,

0:10:24 Gorthalax: Um, I don't-- the last thing I want to be is rude. I heard your Message, I can kind of smell magic. I'm made out of kind of raw extra-planar energy.

0:10:39 Fig: And I'm made from that.

0:10:40 Gorthalax: I don't think it's fair for me to act on what I heard 'cause it was said in confidence, but I also want to be just, forthcoming and just say that I heard it.

0:10:50 Adaine: I'm, I'm sorry.

0:10:53 Gorthalax: You’re not-- Hey, guys, you're not in any trouble. You're fine, you're all fine. Uh, so shoot me straight here. What's goin' on? Why did you guys come and get me out of there? Why were you comin' to the mithril factory?

0:11:09 Fig: We've got--

0:11:09 Riz: Why are-- Who put you in that ruby?

0:11:13 Gorthalax: Who put me in the ruby?

0:11:14 Fig: That's a good question. You know what? We should seek revenge on whoever put my dad in a precious gem!

0:11:22 Gorthalax: Well, if you wanna go kick this guy's ass, his name's Arthur Aguefort.

0:11:26 Fabian: Oh!

0:11:27 Kristen: What?

0:11:28 Fabian: Well. (chuckles)

0:11:30 Fig: He actually kicked his own ass. Interesting.

0:11:31 Adaine: Yeah.

0:11:32 Kristen: He...

0:11:32 Fabian: I mean, there's a way to view it as we actually killed Arthur Aguefort.

0:11:38 Kristen: Yeah, I did sneak him into heaven though, but that was--

0:11:42 Gorthalax: Sorry?

0:11:43 Kristen: That was really quick.

0:11:44 Fabian: He committed suicide so that we might--two of us actually died. Uh, who was it? Kristen died, and Gorgug died.

0:11:50 Gorgug: I died.

0:11:54 Fabian: And Arthur produced the last phoenix egg and killed another man and himself that they might live again.

0:12:01 Fig: Wait a second, so Arthur Aguefort is responsible for the fact that I grew up without a father.

0:12:06 Kristen: Wow.

0:12:10 Gorthalax: I should say, in his defense, I kinda went buck wild.

0:12:19 Fig: Who doesn't, Dad?

0:12:21 Riz: What do you mean, buck wild?

0:12:21 Kristen: What kind of buck wild? Like Vegas buck wild, or…?

0:12:25 Brennan: You see Basrar brings over a bunch of sundaes and milkshakes. You see Gorthalax says,

0:12:29 Gorthalax: By the way, if you guys want to get like, real food, too, I don't know if you had dinner. I probably shouldn't just get y'all ice cream.

0:12:34 Kristen: Can I get some nuts?

0:12:35 Riz: What?

0:12:37 Gorthalax: Yeah, let's get some nuts. Probably we can do that. I think we can do a load of chicken fingers here--

0:12:40 Kristen: Just some extra nuts, and then that's my dinner. Protein!

0:12:43 Fabian: Oh, god.

0:12:45 Kristen: My people survived in the desert with just a few nuts raining down from heaven.

0:12:49 Fabian: Okay. No, we understand.

0:12:51 Gorthalax: Okay, we'll get some nuts, that's good. Uh, so, uh--

0:12:56 Brennan: You see that Basrar brings over a bunch of ice cream.

0:12:58 Kristen: Everything in my religion is sexual.

0:12:59 Fabian: Yeah, we get it, mm-hmm.

0:13:02 Brennan: (chuckles) Gorthalax looks over and says,

0:13:04 Gorthalax: All right, we'll do a little flashback here. So I used to be, uh, an angel, all right? I was Gorthiel, the seraph of eating the right amount of food.

0:13:17 Kristen: Oh, wow.

0:13:19 Gorthalax: And, when I fell from grace, I became Gorthalax the Insatiable.

0:13:22 Kristen: [awed] Oh, wow.

0:13:26 Adaine: Very specific angel name.

0:13:27 Kristen: Yeah.

0:13:28 Fig: You were the angel of eating the right amount of food?

0:13:31 Kristen: Did you just eat a lot of Think Thin bars?

0:13:34 Gorgug: Wait, so you're a fallen--

0:13:36 Gorthalax: Fallen angel.

0:13:37 Adaine: What are other angel names?

0:13:39 Fabian: What is the right amount of food?

0:13:41 Fig: Yeah.

0:13:42 Fabian: Is there, uh--

0:13:43 Gorthalax: Based on the person, it's not a calorie thing. It's just based on the person. Because obviously, you're not eating enough, that's not great.

0:13:50 Fabian: Uh-huh.

0:13:51 Gorthalax: You're eating too much, that's not great either. And it's not just for personal reasons, it's for sort of community, right? You know, food can be scarce and--

0:13:56 Fabian: Thank you.

0:13:57 Fig: Honestly, I think you did the right thing falling. Being insatiable is way cooler.

0:14:02 Kristen: Were you with Sol and Helio in heaven?

0:14:05 Gorthalax: I was an angel of Sol, yeah.

0:14:07 Kristen: Whoa, isn't he lame? I met him and he sucked!

0:14:12 Gorthalax: Did you meet Sol or Helio?

0:14:13 Kristen: I met Helio.

0:14:15 Gorthalax: Yeah, that guy sucks! He's a turd.

0:14:16 Kristen: Wait, so Sol doesn't suck?

0:14:20 Gorthalax: [hesitant] Sol's a hard guy to read. Uh, you know, sun god, you can't really look right at him.

0:14:26 Kristen: Yeah.

0:14:28 Adaine: Even you can't?

0:14:29 Gorthalax: No. And certainly not now. But even back in the day, if you were gonna go into his office, you'd kind of have to, you know-- [mimics squinting and covering eyes]

0:14:36 Kristen: That's in the Holy Book of Grain. A bunch of people see him, and they leave, and there's a big, you know, floating black dot where they tried to look at Helio.

0:14:45 Gorthalax: Exactly, yeah, 100%. Um, yeah, I fell from grace during the sort of reign of Kalvaxus, and this is like a couple centuries ago, and I landed over in, uh, where I was, the Durinson Mithril Factory. So about 15 years ago, dwarves did what dwarves do, they delved too greedily and too deep, and I basically sprung out, and I kinda went, uh-- I don't know, I kind of, you know, I was dealing with some stuff at the time. I hadn't really processed my feelings about falling, and, uh, I went, uh, I went ham, you know? I really--

0:15:28 Fabian: What kind of stuff?

0:15:30 Gorthalax: Hm?

0:15:31 Fabian: What kind of stuff were you doing?

0:15:32 Gorthalax: Murder. I was doing an incredible amount of murder.

0:15:34 Fabian: Oh! Okay.

0:15:35 Kristen: Whoa.

0:15:37 Fabian: Just like straight up murder? Like ritual killing or like--

0:15:41 Gorthalax: No, not ritual killing. Just sort of going to town, you know.

0:15:45 Fig: I'm sure you had your reasons.

0:15:46 Kristen: Whoa, Fig, you have murderer's blood in you.

0:15:51 Gorthalax: Yeah, that's fair.

0:15:52 Fig: That sounds awesome. I'm even more metal.

0:15:53 Kristen: You look scared.

0:15:55 Gorgug: Do you--

0:15:55 Riz: What were you insatiable for? Murder? Or food?

0:16:01 Gorthalax: Uh, food, murder, kind of all of it.

0:16:03 Riz: Just excess?

0:16:04 Gorthalax: Excess in general.

0:16:06 Riz: Okay.

0:16:08 Fabian: [stammering] Oh, this is too much ice cream for all of us. Oh. (chuckles)

0:16:12 Gorthalax: Well, I actually, if you want to know-

0:16:13 Brennan: You see that he lifts the ice cream to his mouth, and as it gets close to his mouth, the fire in the back of his mouth heats up, and all the ice cream melts and evaporates. And he goes,

0:16:22 Gorthalax: So it's kind of like “Insatiable” in that like I can't--

0:16:25 Fabian: Ohh!

0:16:27 Kristen: Oh, it's [emphasizing] in-satiable.

0:16:28 Gorthalax: In-satiable.

0:16:29 Kristen: Wow.

0:16:30 Fabian: That's funny, that's well thought out. I like that, it's funny.

0:16:31 Kristen: That sucks.

0:16:32 Gorthalax: For sure. Yeah

0:16:32 Fig: Don't worry, Dad, I can figure out a way to get you to eat finally.

0:16:37 Gorthalax: Kiddo, that's very sweet.

0:16:38 Fig: I'm on it.

0:16:39 Gorthalax: This is so rad, what is this, kid? This jacket rules. This is awesome.

0:16:43 Fig: This is Johnny Spells' jacket.

0:16:45 Gorthalax: Oh, that turd.

0:16:46 Fig: Yeah.

0:16:47 Gorthalax: Yeah. (Ally chuckles)

0:16:48 Gorthalax: For sure--

0:16:49 Fig: After we killed him I took it as a spoil of war.

0:16:53 Gorthalax: That fuckin' rules.

0:16:55 Fig: Thank you.

0:16:56 Gorthalax: That's awesome. Uh, so I busted out of there. I kind of made for the Mountains of Chaos, and on the way out of Solace, I met, uh, Sandra Lynn. I met your mom.

0:17:14 Fig: Did you guys hit it off? 'Cause I kind of hate her these days, so I'm like, what did you even see in her?

0:17:20 Gorthalax: (sighs) You know, kiddo, um, I don't think that any of your feelings are wrong, but I think that something that happens sometimes when a parent is absent is that the people that you're with every day, they get the brunt of those feelings of sadness, right, that you're experiencing. And I think probably I deserve at least a part of that, but it's only 'cause I wasn't around that I get all this extra credit that I really haven't earned. Your mom worked her ass off, and I’m not-- I don't wanna tell you your feelings are wrong, but I'm not super comfortable talking poorly about the woman who, after all, brought you into the world and raised you.

0:18:15 Kristen: Holy shit, he's such a nice devil.

0:18:17 Fabian: Right? It's like, is he a demon?

0:18:18 Kristen: It's crazy.

0:18:20 Fabian: It's fucking crazy, I-- what is happening

0:18:21 Fig: I hear everything you're saying. And I realize now that I have completely mistreated Gilear.

0:18:29 Gorgug: The lunch lad? (chuckling)

0:18:32 Fig: Yeah, Gilear the lunch lad.

0:18:34 Gorgug: Oh!

0:18:34 Fig: That's my--

0:18:35 Gorgug: Oh, right.

0:18:36 Kristen: Oh, your stepdad.

0:18:37 Fig: My stepdad, or-- I don't know what we are anymore.

0:18:40 Adaine: Uh, Mr. The Insatiable?

0:18:41 Gorthalax: Mm-hmm?

0:18:42 Adaine: Do you mind me asking, uh, why it was that you were trapped in the ruby?

0:18:49 Gorthalax: I made for the border, Sandra Lynn caught me. I didn't, to be honest, I didn't know she was married at the time.

0:18:55 Fig: Oh, I thought you--

0:19:01 Gorthalax: But we had a really powerful connection that felt special, and, um, when I kind of was--

0:19:11 Kristen: Did you have sex? (overlapping chatter directed at Kristen)

0:19:13 Fig: Can you stop? Where do you think I came from?

0:19:17 Fabian: You can't ask if people had sex!

0:19:18 Kristen: Okay, I'm sorry! [whispers] What was it like?

0:19:20 Fabian: Stop!

0:19:21 Kristen: Hm?

0:19:22 Fabian: Stop!

0:19:23 Kristen: What?

0:19:23 Fig: I definitely don't wanna hear about what my dad's sex is like.

0:19:26 Fabian: Though, I do, you know what? Actually, I am interested, you're like seven feet tall and a demon.

0:19:32 Fig: [annoyed] Okay, everyone stop talking about sex with my dad.

0:19:34 Fabian: Oh, okay!

0:19:35 Kristen: Okay, sorry!  He just put everything into words so great--

0:19:37 Gorthalax: Here's the thing, guys, I'm gonna be real with you all right now.

0:19:39 Fabian: I don't like this energy at all.

0:19:42 Gorthalax: If you want to talk, if you guys haven't had The Talk, I'll give you The Talk.

0:19:45 Fabian: [laughing] Okay then--

0:19:47 Riz: We don’t--

0:19:48 Kristen: I did have The Talk.

0:19:49 Fig: Wait a second! This is awesome! This is what dads and their daughters do!

0:19:54 Gorgug: Is this necessarily--

0:19:54 Fabian: This is definitely what dads, daughters, and their five close friends do in an ice cream shop in public.

0:20:00 Kristen: Was The Talk for everyone else the hand counts as, as sex--

0:20:01 Fabian: Yes.

0:20:01 Adaine: [incredulous] No.

0:20:01 Kristen: --and you need to save yourself for marriage?

0:20:07 Adaine: No.

0:20:08 Fabian: Not that part.

0:20:09 Gorthalax: First of all, I would say that sex is any time two people are expressing love for each other in a way that feels intimate, right? Sex doesn't have to involve your genitals. Some people have sex that don't even have them. There's certain elementals and other creatures that aren't biological.

0:20:28 Fig: Can you have sex by accident then?

0:20:29 Gorthalax: By accident? Um--

0:20:34 Fig: Have I had sex with an elemental?

0:20:36 Adaine: I don't think I'll ever understand sex.

0:20:37 Gorthalax: Sweetie, I think you’d know. I would hope that you would know.

0:20:39 Fabian: Why are we talking about-- This is gross!

0:20:41 Murph: Can I see how the rat is kind of reacting to him? (laughing)

0:20:45 Murph: I want to give a nod over to Gorthalax, and do we know the rat's name?

0:20:53 Brennan: Go ahead and make a little Investigate check.

0:20:55 Murph: Okay. [under breath] Uh, that's going to be a lot. Where's, why do I not see? [normal voice] Oh, uh, 23.

0:21:03 Brennan: You look back over your notes from your first couple days at school and catch the name “Edgar” that you wrote down as the name of the rat. Gorthalax goes,

0:21:13 Gorthalax: Well, okay, if this is a little uncomfortable, I get that. But here's what I'd say now. I-- To kind of give you guys the timeline, uh, Johnny Spells started comin' around the Durinson Mithril Factory couple years ago, maybe two or three years ago, somethin' like that. And, um, first, when he got there, all he was really doin' was just goin' there to sort of dance his feelings out. You know, it was like a big, abandoned factory, and he would kinda go, and you know, post up on a wall, [music starts playing] and kind of hit it rhythmically, and then he'd kind of take his jacket off--

0:21:49 Fabian: Did he ever swing around on a chain?

0:21:52 Gorthalax: Swing around on a chain, and kind of slide on his knees.

0:21:54 Gorgug: Did he drink like maybe one half of a beer?

0:21:57 Gorthalax: Yeah, half of a beer, and then he would kind of smash it, and he would kind of like skip, knee way up high, snapping and kind of sort of charging down like a long thing.

0:22:05 Adaine: Wow, did he ever pretend to like weld, so that the sparks were flying up at him?

0:22:09 Gorthalax: That's basically all he did. There's a bunch of stuff in that factory that's not goin' anywhere 'cause it's welded to other stuff that it has no business being welded to.

0:22:21 Riz: Did he bring girls up there?

0:22:24 Gorthalax: No, he didn't. (chuckles) Part of the deal I made with him was that he couldn't do any kind of sex stuff. I kinda got the immediate vibe that this guy was a creep, and was sort of just a bit I was doing that I thought was funny. Then I was like, what if I made this dude not even be able to sort of jerk off? You know.

0:22:33 Kristen: Wow.

0:22:42 Gorthalax: Or he can't--

0:22:43 Kristen: [uncomfortably] Can't imagine what that life would be like. That would be weird, fuckin' weirdo.

0:22:48 Gorthalax: Have you never explored your body, Kristen?

0:22:49 Kristen: [pained] No.

0:22:50 Riz: Holy shit.

0:22:52 Fabian: Can you not, you're not allowed to ask young girls--

0:22:54 Kristen: One time with a corn cob!

0:22:55 Fabian: [disgusted] Ugh.

0:22:56 Gorthalax: I don’t feel comfortable with how much we’re--

0:22:56 Gorgug: Can I ask another question instead of dealing with this?

0:22:58 Gorthalax: Hey, TO, gang.

0:22:59 Riz: Yeah.

0:23:00 Gorthalax: Why are we shaming Kristen for something that's, again, perfectly natural.

0:23:03 Kristen: I love this guy! Are you starting a religion?

0:23:07 Gorthalax: I do technically, kind of my deal is I do buy souls, so if you wanted to sell your soul for powers--

0:23:16 Riz: Nope, Kristen.

0:23:17 Adaine: That seems like not a great idea.

0:23:17 Fig: Kristen, it's my dad, I can vouch for him.

0:23:19 Riz: Don't do it.

0:23:20 Fig: He's legit. He’s my dad.

0:23:21 Riz: Gorthalax, can we get a TO from you real quick?

0:23:24 Fabian: Yes, agreed.

0:23:25 Kristen: I would like to TO your TO and bring it back to the body talk.

0:23:28 Gorthalax: You know what? I'm gonna go outside, I'm gonna go outside, I'm gonna have a quick cigarette. I haven't lit up in--I don’t know how long.

0:23:34 Fig: Oh, I've got some cloves, hand rolled, if you want any.

0:23:37 Gorthalax: Cloves?

0:23:38 Kristen: Hand-rolled cloves?

0:23:40 Brennan: He takes it and says,

0:23:42 Gorthalax: You know what? I haven't smoked a clove since I was, what, 3000? Yeah, I'll give it a shot, that's crazy.

0:23:48 Ally: I don't think anyone who smokes cloves knows how to hand roll anything. (giggles) That is the entry-level cigarette.

0:23:53 Brennan: Gorthalax goes outside.

0:23:54 Siobhan: Can I, as he's going outside, do an Arcana check on him?

0:23:57 Brennan: Sure, go for it.

0:23:58 Siobhan: 10.

0:23:59 Emily: I'm just gonna stare out the window while he's out there. Like a cat whose owner has just left.

0:24:01 Gorgug: I--

0:24:04 Riz: Everyone needs to stop telling the demon everything.

0:24:06 Fig: The demon?

0:24:08 Adaine: Well, I'm sorry. I was trying to message her incognito.

0:24:11 Fig: And I--

0:24:12 Riz: No, I'm not, I'm talking about the people who were telling him everything--

0:24:16 Fabian: Oh, about the suicides?

0:24:18 Riz: About trying to make him your patron devil.

0:24:22 Kristen: I don't know--

0:24:24 Adaine: Yeah, you definitely don't want to become a warlock.

0:24:25 Fabian: Yeah, do not sell your soul.

0:24:25 Fig: Excuse me--

0:24:26 Kristen: Do you guys not think about these things? Like what happens to us when we die, why are we here?

0:24:29 Fig: This is my dad!

0:24:32 Gorgug: [distressed] Sometimes you go to hell!

0:24:33 Adaine: Yeah, if you die, you're gonna go to hell, and while you're alive, you have to sacrifice something great in your life. Like, Johnny Spells had to sacrifice ever having an orgasm I guess?

0:24:40 Kristen: That's not very different from my life!

0:24:47 Adaine: No, but he wouldn't take that from you, he would take--

0:24:50 Gorgug: I just have a question.

0:24:51 Fig: If you think about it, your text asks you to sacrifice. You make so many sacrifices for the corn god based off of some stupid book, so if my dad just asked you to give up chocolate, what's the difference?

0:24:55 Kristen: Right.

0:24:59 Adaine: It's not gonna be chocolate. It's gonna be like, friends, or something.

0:25:01 Kristen: No.

0:25:03 Gorgug: I got a question.

0:25:05 Riz: Guys, okay, I don't know what he can hear. He seems very powerful, he seems like maybe he can hear us right now, so I'm gonna write a little note, and then I'm gonna show you guys.

0:25:12 Murph: And then I wanna show them to like remember that there was like a fallen angel that was part of the evidence the first day when we got into a fight in the cafeteria.

0:25:23 Siobhan: Mm-hmm.

0:25:24 Riz: So just something to keep in mind while we all become best friends.

0:25:28 Kristen: Oh, you're right, we should do this more often.

0:25:31 Fig: I can’t believe this.

0:25:32 Siobhan: Can I throw that piece of paper up in the air and then cast Fire Bolt on it?

0:25:36 Brennan: [mimics incinerating] Burns up. You guys see Gorthalax comes back in, he kind of sits bashfully down at the table. He says,

0:25:46 Gorthalax: Uh, listen. You'd have to be pretty thick to not recognize that you're kinda making people uncomfortable, and I just wanna say there's no hard feelings, I get it. I come from the deepest pit of hell, and I--

0:26:02 Adaine: Oh, we're not uncomfortable, we're fine.

0:26:04 Zac: Can I just, can I do a Sense Motive, or is it just Insight?

0:26:08 Brennan: Insight, yeah.

0:26:08 Zac: Okay. Let me just try again. Okay, I got a 10.

0:26:14 Brennan: He seems like he's just talking, he seems a pretty relaxed guy. You see he goes,

0:26:21 Gorthalax: (sighs) Uh, Kristen?

0:26:22 Kristen: Mm-hmm.

0:26:23 Gorthalax: I appreciate that you're having a crisis of faith. I had the same thing, it's why I fell. I don't think I'm a great choice for you. Fundamentally, what I do now, going around and collecting the souls of the wicked, is a part of a larger bureaucracy. The truth is that heaven and hell aren't really opposed. Heaven rewards the just, hell punishes the wicked. That's kind of two sides of the same scheme. It's like two different offices in the same company. You know what I mean? So I don't think you would find the answers you're looking for with me. The truth is that 90% of the time, heaven and hell are kind of working towards the same end. Ally starts making a strange face with their eye twitching.

0:27:09 Gorthalax: Mostly what I do when I go around--

0:27:11 Gorgug: I think she's good, I think she's doin' well.

0:27:13 Gorthalax: You okay?

0:27:14 Kristen: I'm fine! Keep going! (chuckling)

0:27:17 Gorgug: She's good, she's good.

0:27:17 Kristen: I just, I think something in my brain popped, but I'm still listening, please keep going.

0:27:23 Gorthalax: I don't, all I'm saying is this.

0:27:25 Kristen: Can I have one of those cigarettes?

0:27:28 Fig: Yeah, there. I rolled them.

0:27:29 Brennan: Gorthalax lights one up with his thumb.

0:27:31 Kristen: Thanks. [inhales]

0:27:33 Gorthalax: Basically, what I do when I collect souls is I go around, there's wicked people in the world, and a lot of wicked people live in very comfortable countries and have very boring lives, so they go through their whole life and kinda backdoor their way into heaven. Does that make sense?

0:27:42 Kristen: Uh-huh.

0:27:52 Gorthalax: They were bad the whole time, but they were just comfortable, and they never had a shot to do something wicked. So what devils like me do is kinda just give people a shot to show their true colors, you know what I mean? Think like the harmless guy at the bar who's just got a big mouth and everyone's like, “oh, that guy's crank,” you know, he's harmless? Well, if he was prime minister, he'd be a fuckin' war criminal, right? He'd be a monster. So a lot of what I want to do is when we go and offer power and temptation, what we're doing is kind of stress testing the system, making sure the people, you know--

0:28:07 Kristen: Whoa.

0:28:23 Gorgug: Do you think there's, how many fallen angels do you think there are in our town?

0:28:30 Gorthalax: In the town?

0:28:31 Gorgug: Are there a lot?

0:28:32 Gorthalax: It's just me, I'm the only one here.

0:28:34 Kristen: Oh, wow, cool. So it's all your job then.

0:28:37 Gorthalax: Let's turn it to you guys. What is it you guys are after? It feels like you guys are on some kind of tip or you guys have some kind of mission goin' on.

0:28:47 Adaine: We're just tryin' to fill the day, you know.

0:28:49 Fabian: Yeah, The Ball, what have we been up to recently?

0:28:54 Riz: You know, we've, uh, we got dunked on by some Oakshield Middle Schoolers, so we went to the warehouse to rumble.

0:29:05 Brennan: Make a Deception check. (snickering)

0:29:11 Murph: Oh, boy, boy, oh boy. 5. (chuckling) Is this guy my dad? (laughing)

0:29:18 Brennan: He looks at you and says,

0:29:22 Gorthalax: You have no reason to trust me. I get it. However, Johnny Spells' jacket, Johnny Spells' motorcycle, Zayn Darkshadow's rat. You guys are after some shit. I knew what Johnny Spells was up to. That kid was my vassal, I owned his soul. If you guys have questions, I could answer them.

0:29:47 Fig: Was he responsible for the corn cuties?

0:29:51 Gorthalax: Corn what? (Emily laughs)

0:29:53 Gorgug: We were--

0:29:53 Riz: There wasn’t-- Did--

0:29:54 Fig: We were attacked. We were attacked by corn, it's my dad, I trust him.

0:29:56 Kristen: I just--

0:29:58 Fig: We were attacked by corn. Someone cursed a vat of corn, and that corn had assholes out of which more corn came. Pretty straightforward, you understand.

0:30:14 Gorthalax: [stammering] We got into the, we took sort of a step in the middle of the process to a whole corn conversation that I'm not really party to.

0:30:21 Riz: What do you know about Johnny Spells besides that he dances? You told us that, we know for a fact that he hung out with girls, so why are you telling us that he didn't hang out with girls?

0:30:30 Gorthalax: I know he started hanging out with girls. Um, there was, okay.

0:30:37 Brennan: He says,

0:30:38 Gorthalax: I got sealed in that ruby. Johnny came around, I was stuck there, and I basically thought, fuck it, I'm trapped in a ruby, let's have some fun. And I was like, sure, kid, sell me your soul. He was so easy, he was desperate to sell his soul to somebody. Said gimme your soul--

0:30:57 Kristen: Loser. (chuckles)

0:30:58 Gorthalax: No, yeah, well, okay. No fuckin', and, um, he started doin' crimes. He got his little tiefling greaser gang together, and it was all kinda going well for him until some job went south. He was stickin' up a bank in Bastion City. He, uh-- Somethin' went wrong with the job, I guess it was more intense than he thought it was gonna be, and he got into the Harvestmen. They owned him somehow.

0:31:15 Kristen: Harvestmen?

0:31:32 Riz: What are the Harvestmen?

0:31:34 Brennan: Anyone that wishes to may make a Religion check.

0:31:37 Ally: I'll do that for sure. 20. Not a nat 20.

0:31:42 Brennan: Hell, yeah. Kristen, you know the Harvestmen. The Harvestmen are a scary fanatical sect of followers of Helio. The Harvestmen are basically, they're not demonic or infernal, they believe themselves to be true followers of Helio, but they traffic in infernal and demonic magic because they are trying to bring about the apocalypse. So they're this hyper conservative, radical, militant sect--

0:32:17 Ally: Cool. Yeah, yeah.

0:32:18 Brennan: And they're trying to bring about the apocalypse because they fundamentally believe that heaven will win and that this world is wicked, and that when children are born into this world, it's just damning more souls to hell. So they want to bring about the end of the world.

0:32:31 Ally: Got it.

0:32:32 Kristen: Oh, the Harvestmen. I went to the Harvest Festival all growing up.

0:32:37 Gorthalax: God.

0:32:38 Kristen: It's awesome. It was just 20 hours of lectures, and--

0:32:44 Murph: Is this what you tell us? Out of all that info you just learned, we just hear Harvest Festival?

0:32:50 Zac: There's like no other part to it?

0:32:51 Brennan: You see he says--

0:32:52 Kristen: Yeah, the Harvestmen are awesome, guys.

0:32:54 Gorgug: What?

0:32:56 Kristen: No, seriously! The Harvestmen, you go there, you learn so much because you have to stay awake for 20 hours while they're talking to you. There's a pop quiz, and if you pass, you get to go to bed for two hours. But if you don't, you have to clean. But, uh--

0:33:08 Riz: That sounds really bad, Kristen.

0:33:10 Fabian: I’m sorry, these men owned Johnny Spells? Just a bunch of people who run essentially, like, a conference?

0:33:13 Adaine: Like a summer camp? Counselors?

0:33:15 Brennan: You see he goes,

0:33:16 Gorthalax: Kristen, you gotta know, the men that were teaching you, they were all wearing scarecrow masks over their face, right?

0:33:24 Kristen: Yeah. They're really eccentric, like, they really believe--

0:33:28 Gorthalax: They're a hardcore cult. They are a militant, violent organization of religious fanatics.

0:33:34 Kristen: What?

0:33:36 Riz: Do they ever try to trap people or sacrifice people?

0:33:41 Gorthalax: Well, they try to bring about the apocalypse basically, so the Harvestmen got Johnny Spells. Somehow he lost his contract, I don't know how the hell that happened because he was careful with that thing, and the Harvestmen are kind of dummies, so I don't know how they got their hands on it, but--

0:34:01 Fig: Zayn Darkshadow had it.

0:34:04 Gorthalax: Zayn was a stooge for the Harvestmen.

0:34:05 Adaine: What?

0:34:06 Gorthalax: Here's the thing, the Harvestmen are, Exactly. The Harvestmen are all around. They're like business leaders, they're in the community, they're--

0:34:15 Gorgug: They’re like a secret society?

0:34:17 Gorthalax: Yeah.

0:34:18 Fig: I think we've got one at Aguefort.

0:34:21 Kristen: Oh, you guys just need to know the handshake for the Harvestmen.

0:34:25 Gorthalax: You know the Harvestmen handshake? That's wild!

0:34:28 Kristen: Yeah!

0:34:30 Fig: Will you teach it to all of us?

0:34:33 Kristen: Uh, I'm not supposed to, but [conspiratorially] I'm also not supposed to eat this much sugar.

0:34:34 Brennan: (laughs) You see Gorthalax says,

0:34:46 Gorthalax: The Harvestmen are really radical here in Solace especially. Solace used to be a human country. Well, actually, originally it was a halfling country, but then humans came in and conquered it, but then it became Solace, and the charter and the Council of the Chosen, it was human before that. The Harvestmen are radical human separatist religious fanatics who have a lot of roots in high court and stuff like that. Zayn Darkshadow was an intermediary for them because who the hell would trust Zayn? No parents, no family, hangs out at a graveyard. Completely dismissible and if it ever came down to someone believing a community leader or Zayn, who would believe Zayn? He was kind of a patsy for them to do a lot of their work when they couldn't show their faces. So I don't know how they had sway over Zayn. Somebody must have had some kind of point of access to him to flip him and turn him into that sort of go-between. But point being, Johnny got into the Harvestmen big time. Again, something with that bank, I don't know.

0:35:52 Gorgug: You guys remember the bank we saw on the way to the--

0:35:54 Riz: Just that cool bank?

0:35:55 Fig: I said we should go into that.

0:35:56 Gorgug: I was trying to check out the bank!

0:35:58 Fig: I said we should, too.

0:36:00 Riz: Well, half the time you're asking random people if they're your dad. You were right one time.

0:36:05 Kristen: I'm starting to think maybe I thought the Harvestmen were good, but they weren't.

0:36:10 Gorgug: That seems right, yeah. (crosstalk)

0:36:12 Riz: Just your description of the Harvest Festival sounds like horror.

0:36:16 Kristen: My parents are kind of into it. I mean, they are really intense, but I just thought it was like, good natured, you know. I'm, yeah.

0:36:24 Gorthalax: I'm really sorry that you're, this is extremely painful for me to watch, what's happening.

0:36:27 Kristen: I just, uh, was raised in a pressure cooker for no reason, God just put me in it.

0:36:34 Fabian: What?

0:36:35 Gorthalax: We have gotta table that, and I'm so sorry. (laughing)

0:36:38 Adaine: Maybe god didn't put you there, maybe it's just random.

0:36:42 Gorthalax: That's actually true, it is random.

0:36:44 Kristen: [barfing] (laughing)

0:36:45 Fabian: Oh my god. Ugh. Stop.

0:36:46 Ally: I barf chocolate syrup all over Fabian's leg.

0:36:47 Murph: She shouldn’t have had that much--

0:36:48 Adaine: I didn’t do that, that was her. I didn't do that, I didn't cast the spell, it was--

0:36:50 Kristen: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

0:36:52 Gorthalax: In any case, the main thing was this.

0:36:54 Kristen: Yeah, sorry.

0:36:55 Gorthalax: The stuff that Johnny started comin' to me for, 'cause he said, "Can you help get me out of it?" And I was like, I don't know, dude, you fucked up and got into the Harvestmen, that's on you. He started running a couple things for them. This tea he started running for them, and that was to handle Aguefort I think, which I wasn't gonna say no to, 'cause, you know, fuck that guy.

0:37:16 Fig: So someone else wanted Aguefort dead, it wasn't even you.

0:37:19 Gorthalax: No, I had nothing to-- I gave Johnny his powers. The only thing he-- And then I know he was doing those palimpsests, but I never knew what those were for.

0:37:28 Kristen: Hmm.

0:37:29 Brennan: He says,

0:37:29 Gorthalax: And the last thing was this one thing he needed from me which was this page. Um-- Lou opens his mouth as if he intends to say something. Brennan looks at him expectantly.

0:37:34 Fabian: Hm? (Ally chuckles)

0:37:39 Gorthalax: Did you--

0:37:40 Fabian: What?

0:37:41 Gorthalax: You had a reaction.

0:37:42 Kristen: You audibly gasped.

0:37:43 Riz: A page of what?

0:37:44 Fabian: A page of what, sorry?

0:37:45 Gorthalax: Look, [sighs roughly] the Harvestmen want the apocalypse, so what they were trying to do was to create a hellmouth, right? You know, start the apocalypse, get things going. I gave them a page that would be able to do that, right. Now, there's two ways to create a hellmouth. You can either do it with a portal, right, but then you need to find, sort of, a portal that has the religious iconography to get you to hell, and you still need a portal key to open it, so it's kind of a hassle. Or you can open a hellmouth inside of a person, and that's what Johnny Spells asked me for. So I gave him a page to create a hellmouth in a person. The odds of that starting the apocalypse are very low, 'cause you put a hellmouth in just the average person, yeah, some demonic shit's gonna happen, but, um, the person would have to have sort of a direct connection to Sol for that to actually create a hellmouth powerful enough to trigger Armageddon.

0:38:44 Adaine: And what happens if you personally killed that person that had a hellmouth opened inside of them?

0:38:50 Kristen: With a ladle.

0:38:51 Adaine: Shh! Hypothetically.

0:38:54 Gorthalax: Um, I mean you did it, and job well done. You shut the hellmouth. Did you kill someone with a ladle?

0:39:01 Gorgug: Yeah, she hit her in the head so hard that--

0:39:03 Gorthalax: You guys are hiding so much stuff from me.

0:39:06 Adaine: Hey-- No, you just got here.

0:39:07 Kristen: And you're really giving us a lot of great advice.

0:39:09 Fabian: I just want-- I'm sorry, you don't get to come at us about that, right? We don't have to tell you anything, sir.

0:39:14 Adaine: Yeah. At all.

0:39:15 Fig: Hey, everyone needs to stop speaking to my dad like this!

0:39:19 Kristen: I really appreciate your dad. I really appreciate you, sir.

0:39:21 Gorthalax: That's okay, I appreciate you guys--

0:39:23 Kristen: Do you think if you get a second after this you could give me a book list of things you think I might like?

0:39:27 Gorthalax: Sure, um, I feel like the Necronomicon's a great place to start.

0:39:32 Fabian: Do not take this man's recommendations.

0:39:34 Fig: This man is my dad.

0:39:36 Fabian: I know this man is your dad.

0:39:37 Gorthalax: The Book of the Fallen. Uh, the Gospel of Hate. Um, you can do the, uh, the Red Book of Fiends is pretty good.

0:39:45 Gorgug: Do you know, as far as the other way to make a hellmouth, it's a place that just has a portal is what you need?

0:39:54 Gorthalax: Yeah, portals are naturally occurring everywhere, but because they're only activated by a portal key, most people miss them. Portal to hell would be something that had to do with religious iconography or had some kind of connection to the lower planes.

0:40:05 Fabian: Can I ask, do you know if Elmville has a portal?

0:40:09 Gorthalax: Well, it has a bunch, but I don't know if they necessarily have them to hell. Portals are naturally occurring kind of all over.

0:40:15 Adaine: How does one find a portal?

0:40:17 Kristen: To hell.

0:40:18 Gorthalax: You can use Detect Magic to find one, you can… There's a couple sort of regular spells that are pretty useful you can use.

0:40:26 Adaine: Is there one right here?

0:40:28 Siobhan: I cast Detect Magic. (Ally chuckles)

0:40:31 Brennan: Um, you look around. [rolls dice] Uh, yes, there is a portal. There is a portal at the base of Basrar's little tornado that goes to the elemental plane of ice.

0:40:43 Adaine: This was here the whole time? It's just a portal, right? Is that where he's storing the ice cream? That's cool. (laughing)

0:40:52 Gorthalax: He's a genie! Um, yeah. The, uh...

0:40:55 Brennan: He says,

0:40:59 Gorthalax: Why, did you guys interact with this page in any way?

0:41:01 Adaine: Yeah.

0:41:04 Gorgug: It was in the big thing of corn that tried to kill us.

0:41:07 Kristen: I think it touched my bible.

0:41:09 Adaine: Oh, I held it. I picked it up and held it and read it.

0:41:12 Riz: We destroyed it.

0:41:12 Adaine: We did destroy it, though.

0:41:14 Gorthalax: Okay, well--

0:41:16 Adaine: Do I have a hellmouth inside of me?

0:41:20 Gorthalax: Um, that's a good question.

0:41:27 Brennan: (mimics unholy portal opening) You look deep into the third eye of this devil from hell, and see endless torment awaiting you for all your dark, black magic. And you see he goes--

0:41:39 Gorthalax: (snarling) You’re good, I don't see anything in there that's-- For the most part, you seem good. 'Cause, you know, you were touching it, but you know, these things only have a certain amount of power, you understand. If this thing was already possessing a number of beings, what did it end up possessing?

0:41:58 Riz: Oh, there was--

0:41:59 Fig: It was a lunch lady.

0:42:00 Riz: It was only a little piece of paper, there might have been more of it.

0:42:03 Adaine: Then the corn--

0:42:03 Kristen: [counting on fingers] There was the lunch lady, a vat of corn.

0:42:05 Riz: But this was like a big piece of paper.

0:42:08 Gorthalax: One page, not a huge piece of paper.

0:42:09 Fig: We found it then. We found it and we neutralized it.

0:42:12 Gorgug: Wait, this is off topic, but I have an important question that--

0:42:14 Riz: Don't ask if he's your dad.

0:42:16 Kristen: He's not your dad.

0:42:18 Gorgug: That's not what I was gonna ask! That's not what I was gonna ask.

0:42:21 Fabian: If you ask that? I'll smack you.

0:42:23 Gorgug: (sighs) Now I feel like I have to ask that. No, I just feel like you're the only person I can really ask this, but when I died, I went into this weird dark place where a tree had a leaf fall and then it cut my hand. Um, what, is that just hell?

0:42:44 Gorthalax: A tree with a leaf cut your hand?

0:42:45 Gorgug: Yeah, it was like a dark forest or something.

0:42:48 Gorthalax: Oh, no, that sounds like a Forest of Blades. Those appear all over on Atron. You went to orc heaven.

0:42:56 Gorgug: That was heaven?

0:42:58 Gorthalax: Orcs are fucked up.

0:43:00 Fig: But I thought the guidance counselor went there. He wasn't an orc.

0:43:02 Gorgug: He was there. Maybe he was just taggin' me out?

0:43:08 Gorthalax: It's possible that your guidance counselor worshiped Gruumsh One Eye.

0:43:11 Gorgug: He became a monster, and he started like getting mad, and becoming demon-like.

0:43:17 Kristen: Maybe he was entering Rage.

0:43:19 Gorthalax: You know, a lot of those sort of quiet nice guys have a lot of fucked up shit that they never kinda let out.

0:43:23 Kristen: Ain't that the truth.

0:43:24 Riz: You were saying about this bank--

0:43:27 Gorthalax: Yeah.

0:43:27 Kristen: I grew up in religion.

0:43:28 Riz: What is up with the cool bank? That Gorgug really likes.

0:43:32 Fabian: It's not a cool bank. It's just a bank.

0:43:33 Riz: It was kind of a cool bank.

0:43:35 Adaine: There weren't any lollipops or pens that we could take.

0:43:37 Gorgug: It was a sleek kind of cool.

0:43:38 Kristen: I'm starting to feel guilty, 'cause we're not trusting him, but we're grilling him, and we're getting a ton of answers. Is there anything that you want?

0:43:46 Riz: I think we pretty much trust him at this point.

0:43:47 Fig: I'm personally pretty offended by how you're all treating him.

0:43:50 Kristen: I love your dad.

0:43:51 Fabian: Honestly, that's fine.  Your dad is a giant demon man, [to Gorthalax] I'm sorry--

0:43:55 Gorthalax: I want to correct you because you're speaking from a place of ignorance. I'm a devil.

0:43:58 Fabian: All right, fantastic. Even worse, all right? (stammers)

0:44:02 Adaine: Hang on a second, your dad's a pirate, and we're not rude about that.

0:44:05 Fabian: Well, no, he's not a pirate, he's a privateer.

0:44:06 Adaine: [hums doubtfully]

0:44:08 Fabian: Please call him a privateer, thank you.

0:44:11 Riz: Uh, what's up with this bank?

0:44:14 Gorthalax: Uh, it was intense. He went in, they had like a policy where there were like no pens or anything that they gave away.

0:44:21 Riz: So you're well aware.

0:44:22 Kristen: Oh, yeah.

0:44:23 Gorthalax: But he went in to rob them, and he went up thinkin', you know, they're gonna press the button, there's gonna be the bullet proof kinda glass. He went up, got his spells ready, every single teller took out a crossbow and opened fire on him, and they fuckin' slogged it out. It was the most militarily competent bank that's sort of ever been. He got jacked up.

0:44:46 Kristen: [admiringly] Self-protected bank.

0:44:48 Riz: Do you know what's in that bank?

0:44:50 Gorthalax: I got nothin', I don't know. I don't really deal with money, I’ve kind of, I've just been in a gem for a long time. [pointing to Kristen] Were you what the page was for?

0:45:00 Fabian: I mean that's-- [ Gorgug: It seems like it. ]

0:45:02 Fabian: I mean, yes, didn't Zayn push you down that day?

0:45:05 Kristen: Yeah, someone bumped into me. That other bully guy. Who's that asshole?

0:45:10 Gorgug: Wait, Zayn did bump into you.

0:45:11 Adaine: Yeah.

0:45:12 Fabian: Zayn pushed you down. [ Adaine: He did. ]

0:45:14 Kristen: Darkshadow?

0:45:15 Gorgug: And then that other guy threw your bible into the soup, right?

0:45:19 Adaine: Yeah. The jock.

0:45:19 Kristen: Zayn pushed me down, which might have been when he added the page into my bible, and then someone else threw my bible into the corn. I think that's how this all started.

0:45:28 Adaine: Why was Zayn working with the, wait, no, why were the jocks working with Zayn?

0:45:32 Fabian: Well, I don't think that, because I mean it seems like you said that the page needs--

0:45:37 Kristen: Maybe he was trying to make me the portal!

0:45:39 Fabian: Yes.

0:45:40 Adaine: [shocked] Oh.

0:45:40 Fabian: I think Zayn tried to make you the portal.

0:45:44 Kristen: That would have been awesome.

0:45:45 Gorthalax: That would have been bad.

0:45:48 Kristen: I know, I'm just in a bad mood for god right now.

0:45:52 Gorthalax: That, I get it, but that would be what in the church is called perditional contradoxy.

0:45:59 Kristen: Yeah.

0:46:00 Gorgug: [looking serious] Right.

0:46:02 Gorthalax: Do you know what that is, or did you just say right?

0:46:04 Gorgug: I just wanted to, no. [ Riz: You don't have to talk, Gorgug. ]

0:46:06 Zac: Lemme try again. [rolls die]

0:46:09 Emily: You might know what that is!

0:46:11 Zac: I have 14.

0:46:13 Brennan: Uh, you don't know what it is. Anyone here can make a History or a Religion--

0:46:20 Siobhan: Oh, I have good History. Oh, a nat 1! [ Brennan: Hoo hoo! ] [ Murph: I only got a 12. ]

0:46:24 Lou: Mm, a 4.

0:46:27 Zac: I got the highest is what I'm hearing. [ Ally: 8. ]

0:46:29 Emily: I'll do it, try and impress Dad. Hoo, I got a 20!

0:46:33 Brennan: 20? Cool. Yeah, you've heard the term--

0:46:35 Fig: [mumbling] Ah, perditional orso-doxy.

0:46:37 Brennan: He says,

0:46:37 Gorthalax: Perditional contradoxy is a religious article of faith that basically says someone who's been promised for heaven, someone who has been chosen for the light is condemned to hell. When that happens it proves Sol a liar, and it creates a cataclysm within the faith.

0:47:07 Kristen: Totally.

0:47:08 Gorthalax: A perditional controdoxy is a huge deal. That's an apocalypse-creating thing.

0:47:11 Kristen: [realizing something] Ohhh.

0:47:14 Fig: So that page that you made was supposed to doom someone to hell.

0:47:19 Kristen: Me! 'Cause I'm--

0:47:21 Fabian: Chosen.

0:47:21 Kristen: --Preordained. We believe in predestination at my church. [ Adaine: Oh my god. ]

0:47:24 Riz: Why did you create that paper?

0:47:26 Adaine: Wait, Lunch Lady Doreen is in hell?

0:47:28 Kristen: [gasping]

0:47:29 Fig: Yeah. Do you know, Dad, that a really nice person went to hell because of you?

0:47:34 Adaine: No, because of me!

0:47:36 Kristen: No, you just killed her and put her out of her misery of being in hell on earth and just in hell in hell.

0:47:42 Gorthalax: I have a question.

0:47:43 Adaine: Earth isn't hell.

0:47:45 Gorthalax: Did the person, is the page still intact? [ Adaine: No. ] [ Gorgug: We ripped it up. ]

0:47:50 Gorthalax: Then I doubt she's in hell.

0:47:52 Fig: Ah, okay.

0:47:53 Adaine: Okay.

0:47:53 Fig: Cool.  Ah, I hope she's servin' soup in heaven.

0:48:00 Adaine: Or maybe she's enjoying her hobby or something. Maybe she doesn't--

0:48:06 Fig: No, I got the vibe she really loved her job. [ Gorthalax: Yeah, sweetie, people aren’t just-- ]

0:48:06 Kristen: She’s probably cleaning tables in heaven.

0:48:08 Fig: Yeah. Just wearin' that golden hairnet in the sky.

0:48:13 Gorthalax: You guys seem like you got a lot goin' on. Um--

0:48:19 Fig: No. I have all the time in the world.

0:48:20 Gorthalax: I'm gonna leave you guys to it.

0:48:22 Fig: Breakfast tomorrow?

0:48:24 Gorthalax: Yeah. Yeah. You know, why don't we get breakfast tomorrow before school? You know, do me a favor, tell your mom, tell Gil, um--

0:48:36 Fig: Gilear?

0:48:36 Gorthalax: Gilear, yeah.

0:48:37 Fig: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:48:40 Gorthalax: I am so happy.

0:48:44 Fig: Me, too. I'm definitely gonna invite Gilear because we go to school together because he's the (chuckles)--

0:48:50 Kristen: He's the lunch lad?

0:48:51 Riz: He's the lunch lad.

0:48:52 Fig: He's the lunch lad.

0:48:53 Gorthalax: Oh, that's great. It's good to be working, I mean, a job's a job. There's nothin', if you're working, you deserve respect. You deserve dignity if you're--

0:49:01 Fig: I know, I got him that job.

0:49:02 Kristen: Workin' on somethin' other that yogurt. (chuckles)

0:49:05 Fig: It's true, he's--

0:49:06 Gorthalax: I don't catch that reference, but I do wanna wish you guys, have a good night. I'm gonna take off 'cause I gotta kinda check in, I haven't checked in in hell for, you know, years, so I imagine that my infernal realm is kinda probably chopped up at this point.

0:49:22 Fig: Wait, you're going to hell? I'll come.

0:49:24 Gorthalax: You know, why don't you hang tight, and I just wanna make sure that stuff is good down there, and then I'll hop back up, I'll see you for breakfast tomorrow.

0:49:31 Fig: Okay.

0:49:32 Gorthalax: All right, sweetie.

0:49:33 Fig: Real quick, um, we're just gonna go out of earshot of you guys for one second. It's just, you know--

0:49:39 Kristen: Weird.

0:49:40 Fabian: I mean, it's fine.

0:49:41 Fig: Okay. Did you know that I existed?

0:49:45 Gorthalax: Yeah, I did.

0:49:46 Fig: Then why didn't you ever have Johnny Spells like come get me or something? You had a person on the outside that you were controlling.

0:50:01 Gorthalax: [sighs] Before your horns came in, I thought you'd have a better life if you never knew about me.

0:50:10 Fig: And then once they came in, why not then?

0:50:15 Gorthalax: Well--

0:50:16 Fig: You musta caught whiff that my parents got divorced.

0:50:20 Gorthalax: Sweetie, let's talk about this another time.

0:50:22 Fig: Okay.

0:50:23 Gorthalax: All right.

0:50:25 Brennan: (roars and mimics smoke erupting) Fire.

0:50:30 Adaine: Okay, about this rat.

0:50:31 Riz: Yes.

0:50:33 Fabian: Oh, we shoulda asked about the rat.

0:50:36 Murph: Uh, what is the rat doing? Does he like hate us?

0:50:38 Brennan: [mimicking rat, squeaking]

0:50:41 Siobhan: Rats are pretty smart, right?

0:50:43 Brennan: Yeah.

0:50:44 Siobhan: Can I use a ritual to cast Comprehend Languages and try and talk to the rat?

0:50:52 Brennan: (giggles) Uh, I believe Speak with Animals is a separate, different spell.

0:50:57 Siobhan: Which I do not have, I didn't think that that is a wizard spell.

0:51:00 Zac: Do we know anyone who--?

0:51:02 Emily: Can I cast Detect Thoughts on him?

0:51:04 Brennan: Sure. [eerie music] You're gonna cast Detect Thoughts on the rat?

0:51:09 Emily: Yeah, we'll probably go to bed after this, right?

0:51:10 Murph: Just rat sounds.

0:51:11 Lou: Yeah, we'll probably go to bed. (chuckles)

0:51:13 Fabian: Yeah, we'll probably go to bed after this.

0:51:14 Kristen: And probably do more stuff with your dad.

0:51:18 Brennan: Uh, you see that the rat is, in Riz's hand, the rat is thinking,

0:51:23 Edgar: [high-pitched New York accent] Oh boy, I better find some cheese soon!

0:51:25 Ally: Was it worth it?

0:51:28 Emily: I make a Minor Illusion of cheese and hold it in front of him.

0:51:31 Edgar: Wow! Look at that! A whole buncha cheese! (munching) Ah, this cheese ain't too good! It just tastes like nothin'! Also, it doesn't feel like it has any weight or substance to it.

0:51:42 Kristen: What's it saying?

0:51:43 Fabian: Yeah, Fig, what's happening?

0:51:44 Fig: I don't think anyone's trapped in there.

0:51:45 Fabian: Okay, great.

0:51:46 Fig: Unless it's a cheesemonger. There could be a cheesemonger trapped in there.

0:51:49 Zac: Can you do Detect Magic on the rat?

0:51:51 Siobhan: Oh yeah, can I cast Detect Magic on the rat?

0:51:53 Brennan: Sure, it's definitely Zayn's familiar.

0:51:56 Siobhan: But there's nothing--

0:51:57 Emily: That's why I did Detect Thoughts, 'cause if someone was trapped in there, I'd be able to hear their thoughts.

0:52:00 Siobhan: Right. But there's nothing else? Brennan shakes his head no.

0:52:02 Fabian: I mean, it feels like we've discovered, the Harvestmen generally seem to be--

0:52:08 Riz: The problem.

0:52:09 Fabian: Yes.

0:52:10 Riz: Something with the bank, too. We could check out that bank. Edgar.

0:52:12 Edgar: [squeaking]

0:52:15 Riz: Can you nod if you saw Zayn get murdered?

0:52:20 Brennan: Uh, you see that-- You're still reading the rat's thoughts and it says,

0:52:22 Edgar: Oh, boy, I sure did. That was the worst time ever. Ally makes a horrified face without saying anything

0:52:30 Fig: Keep asking.

0:52:30 Riz: Who killed Zayn?

0:52:36 Edgar: Um, it was a tall man, and he had a scarecrow mask on his face!

0:52:42 Kristen: Ohh.

0:52:43 Fig: Any more questions? This thing’s talkin’ in my--

0:52:45 Riz: Was there anyone else there besides the scarecrow mask guy?

0:52:49 Gorgug: Um, wait, maybe ask about who wants to get him. What are the owls?

0:52:55 Riz: Yeah, why are owls after you?

0:52:56 Fig: Ask if Zayn has ever been to the bank.

0:52:58 Edgar: [panicked] Owls are after me?

0:53:01 Brennan: Takes off into the ice cream shop.

0:53:01 Kristen: No!

0:53:04 Fig: I was gonna give him real cheese.

0:53:04 Murph: I wanna find him! I wanna investigate and find him. Come here, you little rat. 19.

0:53:10 Siobhan: I got a 22. [ Zac: 10. ]

0:53:11 Brennan: You guys find the rat hiding under a bar stool. You see Basrar comes over.

0:53:16 Basrar: My friends, you have let a vermin loose--

0:53:19 Adaine: Oh no, it's not a vermin, it's a pet.

0:53:21 Fabian: It's a familiar, Basrar.

0:53:22 Basrar: Okay.

0:53:23 Brennan: Edgar pops up into your hand.

0:53:26 Riz: Thank you, Edgar. They're not after, they're magic. They're not here. We keep them away. We got them to leave last time, so you stick with us and you'll be safe. Do you know of any magic owls?

0:53:43 Brennan: You see he says,

0:53:43 Edgar: Hm, I don't know, but I do know the last thing Zayn did was he went and got my cage and let me out, so that I didn't get chopped up!

0:53:48 Gorgug: Aww.

0:53:53 Fig: Was it out of love for you or was it because you have some value?

0:53:57 Edgar: Who can truly know what lives in the heart of another?

0:54:00 Kristen: Wow.

0:54:01 Fabian: It seems that this rat is just a rat, so--

0:54:04 Adaine: Edgar, where was it that you went to last with Zayn before he died? Did you go somewhere with him before he died?

0:54:13 Edgar: I was in his pocket, and he went to a loud place where he danced a bunch, and then he turned in-bisible, and we ran out.

0:54:20 Kristen: In-bisible.

0:54:24 Adaine: In-bisible.

0:54:25 Kristen: So cute.

0:54:27 Fabian: You, uh, thing. The time, whenever, uh, [under breath] God, I can't believe I'm talking to a fucking rat. [normal voice] Whenever you and Zayn would meet, did you and Zayn go to a place to meet with these scarecrow men?

0:54:47 Edgar: Um, yeah the scarecrow man, well, there was somebody he would talk to at the big school with all the other kids around. And--

0:54:58 Riz: Who, was it the coach?

0:55:00 Fig: Do you know Porter the barbarian?

0:55:01 Brennan: You see he says,

0:55:01 Edgar: Um, the coach. Somebody with a hat and he always had sweatpants on, and a whistle.

0:55:13 Riz: [chuckles] That would be a coach.

0:55:14 Fabian: Yep.

0:55:15 Edgar: What?

0:55:16 Fabian: Yes, little rat man.

0:55:18 Edgar: What?

0:55:18 Emily: Um, I ask Basrar,

0:55:18 Fig: Basrar, do you have any cheese here? Or a cheesecake ice cream, or--

0:55:24 Basrar: A cheesecake ice cream I can do. I can't make regular cheese.

0:55:29 Riz: And that's okay. You're still a really good genie. [ Kristen: Yeah, we really appreciate you. ]

0:55:32 Basrar: [bashful] If you say so.

0:55:34 Adaine: This is the best ice cream store I've ever been to.

0:55:37 Kristen: We consider you a friend.

0:55:38 Fabian: Oh, no, no, no, no.

0:55:39 Basrar: I need to go in the back room!

0:55:42 Kristen: You guys, I have a crazy idea. Basrar wails in the background.

0:55:46 Adaine: Why is he so sad?

0:55:48 Riz: 'Cause he's a genie, and he can only--

0:55:48 Kristen: He's living on a thread!

0:55:52 Riz: He can only grant ice cream wishes.

0:55:54 Adaine: But we love ice cream!

0:55:54 Fig: You guys, I think I might try to join the Harvestmen.

0:56:02 Fabian: I mean, could you do that much lying?

0:56:04 Fig: I could join the Harvestmen.

0:56:05 Kristen: No, I already have an in. They’ve already seen me, I've been to their festivals. Like, granted, it's the gateway festivals where they try to recruit people young, I can tell.

0:56:15 Fabian: But I'm assuming you're not going to actually join the Harvestmen, right? You're just going to get the information we need--

0:56:20 Kristen: Well, I'll need to, like, join them

0:56:22 Gorgug: I think we're getting ahead of ourselves a little bit. I think we should just go home, go to sleep, come back to school, and maybe check out-- You can talk to Coach? I don't know about joining the Harvest--

0:56:34 Kristen: That's what I'm saying, is I express interest to join the Harvestmen to Coach Daybreak tomorrow and see where it goes from there.

0:56:41 Gorgug: Okay.

0:56:42 Brennan: Your guys' crystals all light up with a note from Biz Glitterdew.

0:56:48 Murph: Oh, damn.

0:56:50 Brennan: Uh, it says,

0:56:50 Biz: So sorry guys, don't think I can be the hacker anymore.

0:56:56 Brennan: Then there is a picture of Biz in a hospital bed completely in traction, covered in bandages and blood.

0:57:05 Fig: We gotta get to the hospital.

0:57:06 Adaine: Oh my god. Ask him if he still has the palimpsest.

0:57:09 Emily: No, I think we just, I'm walkin' out the door, I'm goin' to the hospital. We got someone into the hospital?

0:57:15 Murph: We don't want them to see us at the hospital visiting him.

0:57:17 Emily: We can go stealth around the hospital.

0:57:19 Murph: We should sneak into--

0:57:20 Emily: I'm not gonna get a text like that.

0:57:22 Siobhan: You can cast Disguise.

0:57:22 Emily: Yeah. I'll Disguise myself as a pre-med student. (chuckles)

0:57:28 Adaine: Great, so you guys will go?

0:57:28 Ally: What?

0:57:30 Lou: What do you think a pre-med student looks like?

0:57:30 Adaine: Why don't you guys go and then I don't have to go to see Biz at the hospital? I don't think I need to go.

0:57:35 Riz: Do you guys-- Does anybody, should some of us go to the hospital and see what's up?

0:57:39 Fabian: Yeah, I mean, it shouldn't be all of us.

0:57:40 Riz: Why don't we all go so that we have everybody within--

0:57:43 Gorgug: Not everyone has to go inside.

0:57:45 Riz: Right, let's go to the hospital. I can sneak with you, and you can be dressed as a med student or something.

0:57:51 Fig: Yeah.

0:57:53 Emily: I'll just do like regular, I'll use my regular disguise kit and just put on some doctor's scrubs.

0:57:58 Kristen: There are always like religious books in the hospital book store 'cause that's where everyone decides to come to God, so I'm gonna see if there's a Harvestmen book and just start reading so I can sound really in the know.

0:58:10 Brennan: Uh, cool. You guys head to the hospital, go ahead and give me your Disguise check.

0:58:15 Emily: Okay. Would it be Deception?

0:58:19 Brennan: Um, actually, I would say Performance.

0:58:22 Emily: [under breath] God dammit. [normally] 16.

0:58:23 Brennan: Cool! You throw on a disguise as, what, a pre-med student?

0:58:28 Emily: I think I'm gonna be like a resident. I'm like, doing the rounds. So I look, like, really tired 'cause I've been working too long. Ally laughs silently.

0:58:35 Brennan: Uh, rad. You do this whole full disguise kit--

0:58:39 Fig: Oh, boy, I've been up too long. It's medically dangerous.

0:58:43 Brennan: I believe also with the Actor feat you get advantage on those checks?

0:58:45 Emily: Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's true. Let's see, maybe it's even better. Nope, we're going with the first one.

0:58:52 Brennan: You're just making the rounds, you're in the bookshop of the hospital. You see there's a clerk there.

0:58:58 Clerk: [light voice] Hi, can I help you find something?

0:58:59 Kristen: Hi, yeah, um, you know what? I am looking for something about god. What do you got?

0:59:07 Clerk: We have a lot of, um, sort of narcotics and alcohol pamphlets.

0:59:15 Kristen: Naw, you know, I'm thinking more like, um, you know, the Harvestmen. Have you heard of that sect? [ Murph (?): Oh, Jesus. ]

0:59:23 Clerk: Yeah, in the news. That's a radical cult. We don't really carry a ton of their literature here in the hospital.

0:59:29 Kristen: Oh, that's so interesting. Ah, that's so interesting 'cause I grew up with those books in my house. Um-- Okay, then I'll just take, uh--

0:59:39 Emily: She's gonna call the security guard on you.

0:59:43 Kristen: What does this book cost?

0:59:45 Clerk: That's my phone directory for the hospital, so I'm just gonna hang onto that. Do you wanna get some water and just sit down?

0:59:54 Kristen: Yes.

0:59:56 Clerk: Okay, I'm gonna go get you some water.

0:59:57 Kristen: Thank you, I'm going through a lot. My mom is dead.

1:00:02 Clerk: Okay, I'm so sorry. Do you need me to call someone?

1:00:05 Kristen: No. 'Cause it would be her.

1:00:09 Clerk: I'm gonna go get you some water.

1:00:11 Kristen: You guys, I'm blowing it! Is there anyone who can help me? [ Adaine: You lie a lot. You were lying so much! ]

1:00:13 Kristen: I froze! You guys, I was raised in a radical world that I thought was normal!

1:00:19 Adaine: Hey, I think that that is true of every single one of us.

1:00:22 Kristen: Okay, all right, yeah, fair.

1:00:24 Brennan: Uh, you make the residency, um, let's see. I'm gonna roll to see if something good or bad happens.

1:00:30 Murph: Can I sneak or can she, can you like--

1:00:32 Siobhan: Oh, the face. The face happened.

1:00:34 Brennan: Sure. What's up?

1:00:35 Murph: I want to sneak around like by her so if anything I can goes wrong I can be like--

1:00:39 Emily: How 'bout I put you in, can I put him in a wheelchair and be like, “oh, comin' through, comin' through”!

1:00:42 Murph: I think my Deception would be worse than just hiding.

1:00:45 Brennan: Cool, go ahead and give me that Stealth check.

1:00:48 Murph: 23.

1:00:50 Brennan: Um, you are invisible in the shadows of this hospital. You're walkin' around doing this resident thing, you get really into it.

1:00:57 Fig: Anyone got some coffee? I am tired. And overworked.

1:01:02 Murph: I'm just like-- [mimes covering mouth]

1:01:04 Zac: All being tired, no doctor specific stuff.

1:01:07 Brennan: You see that an older--

1:01:08 Fig: I need three CC's of coffee!

1:01:11 Brennan: You see that an older half-orc woman rushes up to you in a lab coat, grabs your arm and says,

1:01:18 Half-Orc: [urgently] Dr. Keller, We have an emergency! We need to go to the operating room right now!

1:01:22 Fig: Cool, I'm warning you, I'm really tired. I'm a resident, overworked.

1:01:26 Half-Orc: A man is gonna die! He has mummy rot! It's critical, right now!

1:01:30 Fig: Okay, I'm in!

1:01:32 Brennan: You are rushed into a room, you see that there is a man strapped to a table just completely like racked open, going [screams], and his stomach is a roiling mass of sand that's just pulsing blood up out of his torso, and the sand seems to be saying,

1:01:49 Sand demon: [distorted voice] Awakened from ancient slumber, I rise to consume the world of the living!

1:01:56 Doctor: [Brennan’s normal voice, urgently] Dr. Keller, thank god you're here! Please!

1:01:58 Brennan: And you see that a scalpel goes into your hand.

1:02:01 Fig: Um, my hands aren't even clean yet!

1:02:02 Emily: And I go over and I wash my hands. While I'm there, I look at my spell--

1:02:07 Doctor: God dammit, doctor, we don't have the time!

1:02:08 Fig: Okay!

1:02:10 Emily: Um, I cast-- (giggling) I cast, uh, Sleep on the demon that's coming out of his stomach.

1:02:18 Brennan: Uh, okay. Um, [rolls dice] [mimics whooshing] you cast Sleep. [growling] You see that the sand face swallows the spell energy up, going,

1:02:31 Sand demon: Yes! The energy of the ancient pyramids! I rise once more.

1:02:38 Brennan: Hoo! And a sand arm shoots out of the stomach. See that the guy says,

1:02:42 Guy: [screams] I'm telling you, I don't have insurance!

1:02:45 Brennan: You see that the doctor says,

1:02:47 Doctor: Dr. Keller, we need to operate now or we're gonna lose him!

1:02:50 Fig: Okay, I'll operate!

1:02:51 Brennan: I need you to make a Medicine check for me. [ Zac: Oh, no!]

1:02:54 Siobhan: Oh my god.

1:02:56 Emily: 12!

1:02:59 Brennan: Uh, you see that you jab your scalpel into the sand. I'm gonna need you to make an opposed Athletics check.

1:03:08 Emily: Oh my god, these are all my worst. Oh, 13!

1:03:12 Brennan: You see that the sand mouth closes on your arm and begins to swallow you into the abdomen of this person.

1:03:20 Murph: I want to shoot the sand monster.

1:03:23 Brennan: Uh, go for it.

1:03:24 Emily: [mock whispering] Stay stealthy so it looks like I did it! So I can maybe become a doctor.

1:03:30 Murph: All right. Uh, 23 to hit.

1:03:31 Brennan: That's a hit, roll damage. (Emily laughs)

1:03:35 Ally: Whoa.

1:03:40 Murph: [counting under breath] 5, 9, 16, 20.

1:03:41 Brennan: 20 points of damage? Go ahead and make a Medicine check for me if you'd be so kind.

1:03:46 Emily: Remember, stay stealthy. I want to become a doctor.

1:03:47 Siobhan: This is so nuts.

1:03:49 Murph: [triumphantly] Nat 20!

1:03:54 Zac: What is happening?

1:03:55 Brennan: Riz leans in, pulls out his arquebus, lowers it, boom! Uh, a perfect jeweled scarab flies from the sand, [buzzing sound effect] scatters across, ping, ping, ping, ping! Ricochets, hits a runed bedpan, glows with bright yellow light, and [mimics shattering] turns into a smoking lump of coal. The sand turns back into flesh as you rip your arm out of the person's stomach. All the doctors are there.

1:04:11 Doctor: [panting]

1:04:27 Murph: I hide.

1:04:28 Ally: Hell yeah.

1:04:29 Murph: So much. 28.

1:04:32 Doctor: My God. Dr. Keller, you've done it again.

1:04:36 Fig: Maybe you guys should go back to school.

1:04:39 Brennan: All of them look so ashamed.

1:04:43 Fig: Where's the secret liquor stash?

1:04:45 Riz: [whispering] Ask where Biz is.

1:04:46 Guy: [weakly] Dr. Keller, you saved my life. I'm so sorry I opened up that mummy tomb.

1:04:51 Fig: Yeah, don't do it again.

1:04:54 Guy: Aw, my Frisbee got in there.

1:04:57 Fig: I know but I can't keep seeing you in here 'cause your Frisbee got somewhere!

1:05:02 Guy: Ah, Keller, you're not lyin', I love Frisbee.

1:05:04 Fig: I know.

1:05:05 Brennan: You see that the doctors all look around and say,

1:05:09 Doctor: [sighs] Um, we'll bring you to the liquor cabinet.

1:05:12 Fig: Well, actually, first-- (laughing) On our way--

1:05:18 Riz: [whispering emphatically] Stay on the mission!

1:05:20 Fig: Well, actually, I'd like to stop on the liquor cabinet. On our way, I heard a young kid got brought in here and, well, I know I'm on my 36th hour, but I'd like to take a look at him.

1:05:30 Doctor: God dammit, doctor, you do too much! You're gonna kill yourself!

1:05:35 Fig: [dramatically] I love this job.

1:05:36 Brennan: Someone wipes a tear, and rushes dramatically. You see a dwarven doctor goes,

1:05:42 Dwarf: [yelling] You're tearin' this hospital apart!

1:05:45 Fig: Well, you know what? Maybe it needs to be torn apart so we can build it back up right!

1:05:50 Dwarf: I never shoulda kissed you.

1:05:53 Emily: I kiss him. (laughing)

1:05:56 Brennan: Fig goes in, this dwarf gives you the most tense, beautiful, passionate kiss in response.

1:06:08 Dr. McDreamy: You're a maniac, and this hospital would be nothing without you.

1:06:12 Fig: Or was that the most sane thing I've done all night?

1:06:16 Dr. McDreamy: You know, I spent all this time saving other people's lives, seems that we can never really save our own.

1:06:23 Fig: Oh, I know.

1:06:24 Dr. McDreamy: Yeah.

1:06:25 Murph: Riz is just watching just like-- [gestures confusedly]

1:06:28 Dr. McDreamy: Anyway, the kid's in 113.

1:06:30 Fig: Okay, thanks. Also, where's the liquor cabinet?

1:06:34 Dr. McDreamy: Uh, it's under the back bunk in the overnight lounge.

1:06:37 Fig: Okay. Bye.

1:06:39 Emily: I slap him on the ass.

1:06:42 Brennan: Doctor walks out--

1:06:43 Murph: Good job?

1:06:45 Emily: I think I have a new job.

1:06:47 Siobhan: Riz, do you have a boner?

1:06:49 Murph: Sort of a Ratatouille situation.

1:06:53 Brennan: You get the hell out of there, and you go over to room 113, and you see that Biz is there in traction. His mom Bubble is fully passed out, just [snoring] asleep in a chair next to Biz.

1:07:09 Murph: Do we see, can kind of case the room and see if anybody else is in there?

1:07:13 Brennan: Give me like, an Investigation or Perception check.

1:07:17 Murph: Cool. Nat 1.

1:07:18 Emily: Okay, let me see, what's better? They're both bad. I got a 2! Which actually becomes a 4.

1:07:24 Brennan: You guys have no idea what's in this room. Fully. The two pixies that are in here have kind of covered it with like pixie memorabilia, and “get well” balloons and cards and stuff. So it's just sort of a phantasmagoria of colors and lights and things like that.

1:07:40 Emily: Is there like a little clipboard describing what's going on? Like a medical clipboard.

1:07:45 Brennan: Yes, there is.

1:07:46 Emily: Can I look at that?

1:07:48 Brennan: Um, the medical clipboard, you see that as you look, Biz looks up and says,

1:07:53 Biz: [sighs] [weak, nasally voice] Hey. How's it goin', doc?

1:07:58 Fig: Oh, uh, hey, Biz, it's actually me. Fig.

1:08:03 Biz: Fig?

1:08:04 Fig: Yeah.

1:08:04 Biz: Oh my god! That disguise is wild.

1:08:07 Fig: I know, I know. Who's the really hot dwarf doctor?

1:08:12 Riz: What are you doing?

1:08:12 Fig: Sorry, sorry!

1:08:13 Riz: Who attacked you?

1:08:15 Biz: [sighs] I don't know, I was in the basement. It was before school today, and I was getting ready to go to school, and this guy with sweatpants and a scarecrow mask over his head jumped in and just almost fucking killed me with a fucking like, it was like dachidad or a halberd, some kind of big slashing weapon.

1:08:48 Riz: Did he take the, uh, what do we call it, the palimpsest?

1:08:52 Biz: Yeah, he got the palimpsest.

1:08:57 Fig: [sighs] Did he, I don't even know. Well, first off, I'm really sorry. I feel really bad that we got you wrapped up--

1:09:06 Biz: I'm so sorry, guys, I fuckin' blew it.

1:09:07 Riz: No, thanks for helpin' us. We appreciate it, and we're sorry you got hurt. You're the still the hacker even if you can't hack right now.

1:09:14 Fig: If you want to be.

1:09:16 Biz: [sobbing]

1:09:17 Brennan: [makes chiming sound]

1:09:18 Riz: You know why you're the hacker, man? 'Cause you can hack it. Just by--

1:09:22 Fig: Whoa.

1:09:23 Biz: You're honestly my best friend.

1:09:25 Riz: [chuckles] You're definitely one of my friends, man.

1:09:31 Brennan: Um, you see he looks up and says,

1:09:33 Biz: I was making great progress, too. Like, I feel I actually can probably shorten the amount of time if I had a bigger power system or a bigger rig set up. I mean, I can't do it at my house anymore, obviously, because it's compromised, but I was doing good work.

1:09:50 Riz: Did you ever get to talk to Sam or--

1:09:54 Biz: I never, it was never safe enough. It was always a risk of either injuring Sam or further complicating the device.

1:10:00 Fig: If we were able to retrieve it and we set up some place that you could go work on it that wasn't your home, would you continue to work on it?

1:10:10 Biz: Yeah, if there was a safe location for me to work on it, of course I would.

1:10:14 Riz: All right, we'll look for that. Did you talk to anybody else about this?

1:10:20 Biz: This project?

1:10:21 Riz: Yeah. Did anybody else come by from the school or anything, or did this scarecrow guy just show up one day?

1:10:28 Biz: No, I mean, there's--

1:10:30 Riz: You didn't brag about it to any of the AV club kids?

1:10:32 Fig: Did you say anything to the coach, or the barbarian teacher Porter?

1:10:38 Biz: No, I didn't say anything, I mean I mentioned a couple, like, hints. Well, it's just like, Shellford's always like, “oh, like, I'm working on this project that's so,” and I'm like--

1:10:51 Riz: You told Shellford?

1:10:53 Biz: No, I just was like, dude, you don't know anything about palimpsests, okay. Trust me, as a guy who's working on cracking one, you don't know shit. That could be any palimpsest.

1:11:05 Riz: Right.

1:11:06 Fig: I'm sorry, Riz. I cannot believe that we have a mole in the AV club.

1:11:11 Biz: Shellford honestly wouldn't tell fucking anyone. Shellford is, look, he's a dick, but that dude is not a fucking narc, okay?

1:11:20 Riz: Did you only tell people in the AV club or did you tell a lot of--

1:11:23 Biz: I only told people in the AV club.

1:11:24 Riz: Okay, what about the bird kid?

1:11:26 Biz: Skrank?

1:11:27 Riz: Skrank.

1:11:28 Biz: Dude, nobody would fucking listen to Skrank.

1:11:29 Riz: That's true, you're absolutely right. Shellford's the one I'm worried about.

1:11:35 Fig: Let’s go rough them up.

1:11:35 Siobhan: Uh, are we outside the room? Where are we right now?

1:11:38 Lou: I'd like to believe I'm down by my motorcycle with Gorgug just flipping a coin being like,

1:11:42 Fabian: All right, that's heads for the 64th time. Heads or tails?

1:11:47 Gorgug: Heads.

1:11:49 Emily: On the way out, I'd like to hit up the liquor cabinet.

1:11:51 Brennan: You find a bunch of liquor back there.

1:11:53 Emily: What'd I get?

1:11:55 Brennan: Uh, you get, there's a flask of dwarven vodka--

1:11:57 Zac: [chuckles] Dwarven vodka.

1:12:00 Fig: Mm, smells like his breath.

1:12:01 Brennan: There's, uh, like a sort of gnomish whiskey, um, there's a fine elven wine.

1:12:07 Zac: [laughing, under breath] Oh, fuck.

1:12:12 Brennan: You also see that there's a bunch of lube and condoms.

1:12:15 Emily: I take that, too.

1:12:17 Murph: Are you taking everything?

1:12:18 Emily: Yeah.

1:12:20 Brennan: By the way, the like, doctor sleeping area in this hospital just smells raw, just fucking-- The doctors are doing one thing here. You don't have any context for what the smell is, but, oh, man.

1:12:34 Murph: Cool, let's go find our friends.

1:12:39 Emily: On my way out I also want to ask,

1:12:39 Fig: What was the name of that dwarven doctor?

1:12:43 Brennan: Who are you asking?

1:12:44 Emily: I'm asking like the receptionist.

1:12:48 Fig: You know, like the hot one.

1:12:49 Receptionist: Oh. You're talking about Dr. Asha.

1:12:54 Fig: Yeah.

1:12:56 Receptionist: I know. You're not wrong.

1:12:59 Fig: Cool. Thanks.

1:13:00 Receptionist: Later.

1:13:01 Fig: Bye.

1:13:02 Receptionist: Bye.

1:13:04 Fig: I just had my first kiss.

1:13:05 Gorgug: Heads or tails?

1:13:07 Fabian: Uh, tails.

1:13:08 Gorgug: Heads. It keeps being heads.

1:13:12 Fabian: That's weird, flipped the coin, 65 times in a row it’s been heads. What have you guys been doing?

1:13:15 Siobhan: I'm just doing Mage Hand on the coin every single time it goes.

1:13:21 Brennan: Um, yeah, you guys go down to the parking lot. What do you decide to do?

1:13:23 Riz: Okay, so Biz was attacked by the Harvestmen.

1:13:25 Fabian: What?

1:13:26 Adaine: Oh my god.

1:13:28 Gorgug: We knew he was attacked.

1:13:29 Riz: He was wearing sweatpants--

1:13:30 Fabian: I didn't know, maybe it was just an accident.

1:13:30 Riz: Quite possibly--

1:13:30 Riz and Kristen: Coach Daybreak.

1:13:33 Riz: He was bragging to the AV club about it.

1:13:35 Fig: But we think-- We think there's a mole.

1:13:35 Adaine: Anybody can wear sweatpants.

1:13:35 Fig: We think there's a mole in the AV club. [ Riz: We think it’s Shellford. ]

1:13:38 Fig: so tomorrow, whoever wants to go with me, I'm gonna rough up those AV club kids.

1:13:43 Riz: [laughs] We can't' just--

1:13:45 Fabian: We can't be beating up AV-- Don't beat up those children.

1:13:48 Adaine: We can use magic.

1:13:49 Fig: No, I'm gonna rough 'em up.

1:13:50 Riz: We’re not going to rough ‘em up!

1:13:50 Adaine: You're right, let's rough 'em up. I would like to rough them up.

1:13:53 Gorgug: I just feel like sometimes secrets get out 'cause people are just kind of casually talking about something, and not doing it on purpose.

1:13:57 Riz: Why don't we try to talk to Shellford? Maybe he's, maybe someone--

1:13:59 Fig: We’ll try your way first.

1:14:01 Kristen: They could have had some kind of a tracking on the palimpsest, too.

1:14:04 Fabian: I mean, but that’s all they knew, alright. We know who we need to deal with, all right, and it's the coach.

1:14:09 Gorgug: I think we gotta go home. I'm tired.

1:14:11 Fabian: Yeah, I do also want to go to bed.

1:14:13 Adaine: Yeah, let's go to bed.

1:14:14 Riz: Let's meet up before school tomorrow.

1:14:16 Fabian: Fantastic.

1:14:17 Fig: I have breakfast with my dad.

1:14:17 Riz: And maybe we'll decide to either go after Shellford or Daybreak.

1:14:22 Fig: Do you guys ever feel like you got exactly what you wanted but then it didn't end up being the answer?

1:14:25 Kristen: [quietly] Yes.

1:14:28 Adaine: No, I never get what I want.

1:14:29 Fabian: I mean, I often get what I want, and I'm often very satisfied, if not more, like, my expectations are surpassed time and time again.

1:14:37 Kristen: Did you guys, I was looking for books in that bookstore, and they didn't have any of the titles that I grew up with. Did you guys grow up with My Forsaken Classmates are Scum? You know, that like, animated book?

1:14:47 Riz: Kristen, I think your parents are in the cult, and are maybe directly involved in everything that's happening.

1:14:51 Fabian: Yes.

1:14:55 Kristen: I don't think so.

1:14:57 Adaine: Just saying maybe.

1:14:58 Riz: You know, be careful, maybe.

1:15:00 Kristen: What about The Seven Eyes of my Lord and How I've Wronged Them?

1:15:03 Fabian: You know what? I'm just gonna ride away. Everyone have a good night. If you guys wanna stay--

1:15:07 Riz: You were my ride!

1:15:10 Brennan: Uh, you guys all go home that night.

1:15:14 Siobhan: I've gotten so good at taking the bus at this point. I'm like, very proud of myself.

1:15:20 Brennan: Uh, cool! Um, you guys arrive at school the next day.

1:15:25 Emily: I have breakfast with Gilear, and I arrive with Gilear. Did Gilear meet my dad? Did we have breakfast with my dad?

1:15:32 Brennan: Oh, that's right, breakfast.

1:15:34 Emily: We don't have to go through it, but I just want to know.

1:15:36 Brennan: Yeah, the next morning, there’s a little sort of cafe downtown, very like small little tables and kind of outdoor chairs. Gorthalax is sort of perched uncomfortably on one, Gilear is there as well. You see that-- You sort of like have some eggs, short conversation, Gorthalax sort of goes,

1:15:55 Gorthalax: So, uh, I hear you're working at Aguefort now, that's wild. That's great.

1:16:03 Gilear: [sad British accent] Yes, I'm the lunch lad of the Aguefort Adventuring Academy. I went to apply for the guidance counselor position, but I was usurped by a drug-dealing werewolf named Jawbone.

1:16:21 Fig: Jawbone's great.

1:16:23 Gilear: My understanding is he actually has gotten a bunch of kids recommendations for college, and some kids are now talking about trying sort of therapy and meds for the first time, and a bunch of people really positively, I mean, he's incredible. What do you want me to say? Jawbone's incredible.

1:16:43 Fig: He's doing a really good job. Everyone's really impressed. It's weird because the staff likes him but also the students like him.

1:16:50 Gilear: Anyway I have to get the tater tots warmed up for later. Gorthalax, it was very nice to meet you. You made a cuckold of me. (laughing)

1:17:06 Fig: That's why I thought you guys might want to meet.

1:17:07 Brennan: Gorthalax says,

1:17:07 Gorthalax: I just want to be clear, first of all, I don't think this is appropriate to talk about with Fig. The who cuckolded who, and how, and how many times, and why doesn't really enter into it. The number one thing that every fella at this table has in common is we love Fig, right? That's the main thing.

1:17:27 Fig: I mean, this really is a dream. I have two dads now.

1:17:32 Gorthalax: Yeah, that's right. You do have two dads.

1:17:36 Gilear: It's not that I want to leave, it's that my car broke down and I need to use public transportation. So forgive me, but I must fade into the bus stop.

1:17:48 Brennan: And you see he gets up, just kind of lightly sort of strolls down the street. Gorthalax says--

1:17:53 Emily: I go join him.

1:17:54 Gorthalax: All right, kiddo, you have a great day at school. Knock 'em dead, huh?

1:17:57 Fig: I will!

1:17:58 Gorthalax: All right.

1:17:59 Fig: I'm gonna beat up some AV club geeks!

1:18:00 Gorthalax: Nice, fuckin' give those nerds a fuckin', what is the word, swirly? [mimes dunking someone’s head in a toilet]

1:18:05 Fig: Yeah!

1:18:06 Gorthalax: Yeah, fuckin'--

1:18:07 Fig: But in flames instead of water.

1:18:08 Gorthalax: That's my girl!

1:18:10 Brennan: You guys go to school. In your lockers, or waiting in your lockers at school the next day, you guys each find a little item. There is a, uh, I'll just go around. [points to Emily] You find a ruby guitar pick in your locker that says, "Gorthalax's girl." And it's a bright red little ruby guitar pick. [to Zac] You find a leather ax holster with an emblem of a tin flower on it. A little tin flower on the holster.

1:18:50 Ally: Oh!

1:18:51 Brennan: Adaine, you find a very expensive 45 gold piece gift card to a high-end clothier boutique. Um, a clothing boutique.

1:19:01 Siobhan: I do an Arcana check on it. 23.

1:19:06 Brennan: This doesn't appear to be magical. It appears to just be a gift card to a high end clothing store for fashionable young women.

1:19:10 Siobhan: [mimes putting the gift card in her bra]

1:19:14 Brennan: Fabian, you find a little tin of car wax for the Hangman. Kristen, you find a thick tome, it's called On the Subject of World Religions. Giant, massive tome, like, encyclopedic tome on different religions. Riz, you find a beautiful leather-bound briefcase with the initials T.B. on the front, and inside are a bunch of beautiful gilded business cards that say “Riz ‘The Ball’ Gukgak,” a very, very small “un,” and then “licensed investigator,” and your information on them, with beautiful hand-done calligraphy.

1:19:55 Murph: Riz excitedly vomits a little bit.

1:20:00 Brennan: You guys find all this cool shit.

1:20:03 Fig: I think my dad gave me a present in my locker.

1:20:06 Gorgug: I think your dad gave me this, too.

1:20:08 Adaine: Why is your dad giving me clothes money?

1:20:10 Kristen: You asked for clothes the other day.

1:20:13 Adaine: Did you give me this?

1:20:14 Kristen: These are all of our deepest desires. These like tap in to what we're all after.

1:20:19 Gorgug: I've always felt like my ax kind of cuts my butt sometimes. So to just have a--

1:20:25 Kristen: But now it'll look really good while cutting your butt.

1:20:28 Gorgug: Yeah.

1:20:31 Adaine: This feels weird, right? Just to be given your heart's desire?

1:20:36 Kristen: Yeah, I'm wary.

1:20:37 Gorgug: Or it's fine, and we just got stuff.

1:20:39 Riz: Gorthalax has so far done nothing wrong.

1:20:43 Adaine: Yeah, but he is a demon, I’m sorry.

1:20:46 Riz: But it's too perfect, right?

1:20:47 Fig: I'm a demon, too.

1:20:48 Adaine: No, you're a tiefling.

1:20:50 Fig: I'm a demon. What makes me a tiefling is not that I'm an elf, it's that I'm part demon. I've got demon in my veins.

1:20:56 Adaine: Well, no, but, he like, makes people sell their souls to him and then--

1:21:01 Fig: No, he seduces people to show their true colors.

1:21:05 Gorgug: Do we wanna go to the AV club? Maybe we can't figure it out right now.

1:21:08 Fig: Yeah.

1:21:09 Riz: Let's go to the AV club.

1:21:11 Fig: I'll definitely just start using it willy nilly, though.

1:21:12 Adaine: I mean, who even got into my locker is what I'm saying. Like, this is locked and warded.

1:21:16 Kristen: I'm really suspicious of it. I'm probably gonna skip the AV club and just go read in the library, uh, this new tome. And I'm gonna see if they have any of the books that I recognize as a kid. I'm just really looking for one other place to have that.

1:21:32 Riz: You should be very careful, Kristen, because you keep walking into places and asking for cult literature, and the cult seems to be targeting people, and beating the shit out of them, and putting them in traction. So maybe just don't talk to people about--

1:21:47 Fig: Do you think these presents are from the cult? Do you think that we've alerted them to our presence and these presents are from the cult?

1:21:53 Fabian: Definitely not.

1:21:54 Kristen: Wait, they could have been watching these cameras, 'cause we've talked about all of this stuff while at school.

1:21:58 Fabian: Oh, there's no way the cult got us these gifts, all right? There's just no way.

1:22:02 Riz: Let's go to the AV club.

1:22:03 Fabian: Let's go to the AV club, yes.

1:22:06 Brennan: You guys over to the AV club, you see that Skrank and Shellford are there.

1:22:09 Gorgug: Sup, dudes?

1:22:10 Fig: Hey, guys.

1:22:12 Shellford: [slowly] Uhhh, yeah.

1:22:16 Riz: Skrank, there was some girl that was asking for you out in the parking lot.

1:22:20 Skrank: [squawky voice] Huh? What?

1:22:22 Riz: Some girl said--

1:22:23 Skrank: What was her name?

1:22:25 Riz: I don't know who she was but she wanted to talk.

1:22:26 Fig: She was super hot and she was on a bike in a bikini.

1:22:31 Fabian: And she was also part bird.

1:22:35 Fig: Huge bird tits.

1:22:36 Brennan: You see that Skrank takes out his crystal and starts thumbing through his texts looking for something. Anyone who wants, make a Perception check.

1:22:48 Murph: Not good.

1:22:50 Emily: 10.

1:22:50 Siobhan: 11.

1:22:51 Zac: I got 16.

1:22:52 Murph: 6.

1:22:53 Lou: 7.

1:22:53 Brennan: Cool, he scrolls through the texts and goes,

1:22:55 Skrank: Uh, weird, okay. I'll go check it out. On a bicycle or a motorcycle?

1:23:01 Fabian: A bicycle. For sure a bicycle.

1:23:03 Skrank: A bikini on a bicycle, that seems a recipe for disaster.

1:23:07 Riz: I think she was going to the beach, maybe?

1:23:09 Fabian: Yeah.

1:23:11 Skrank: On a school day? What's going on?

1:23:13 Fig: Well, I think--

1:23:14 Gorgug: I think there was a photographer.

1:23:16 Fabian: Yeah, she's a model, she's a model.

1:23:18 Riz: Yes, that's why she needs the AV club, she wants to get into videos.

1:23:22 Fabian: Yeah, and she said you're hot.

1:23:24 Gorgug: She's saying, it was two things. She was first taking pictures, second thinking, hey, I wish I had my friend from the AV club here. So it was those two.

1:23:36 Emily: I cast Friends on him.

1:23:37 Murph: Wait.

1:23:38 Brennan: Cool.

1:23:39 Emily: No, then he’ll know!

1:23:41 Siobhan: So we have a minute!

1:23:42 Brennan: Go ahead and make a Persuasion check with advantage.

1:23:50 Emily: Gorgug was almost there.

1:23:51 Siobhan: 16.

1:23:53 Brennan: 16?

1:23:53 Siobhan: Yes.

1:23:54 Brennan: Rad, you see he goes,

1:23:55 Skrank: All right, I'll go check it out. [squawks]

1:23:57 Brennan: You see he springs into the hall and flaps away. Uh, Shellford's kind of, you see he's looking at something on one of the little sort of security cams.

1:24:05 Murph: Can I see what he's, can I try to like sneak around and see what he's looking at? Uh, can I do Investigate or Perception?

1:24:11 Brennan: Do a Perception.

1:24:12 Murph: Okay. Uh, 16.

1:24:15 Brennan: Um, he's looking at a-- elemental vehicle, he's looking at a van in the teacher's parking lot, you see that it looks like there's no license plates on it, and he's like writing a little report, or like a ticket for that basically.

1:24:32 Siobhan: Can I cast Detect Thoughts on him just to listen to his surface thoughts while we ask him questions?

1:24:40 Brennan: Yeah. You begin to hear his surface thoughts.

1:24:47 Fig: Uh, Shellford, hey.

1:24:48 Shellford: Uhh, yeah?

1:24:50 Emily: I stand really intimidatingly against the wall.

1:24:52 Lou: I lock the door.

1:24:54 Emily: Yeah, lock that door. Uh, I get a, Intimidation, I get a 25.

1:25:00 Brennan: Jesus Christ.

1:25:01 Siobhan: My god, mean girl.

1:25:05 Fig: Uh, does anyone else look at this footage other than you?

1:25:09 Shellford: Um, yeah.

1:25:10 Fig: Who?

1:25:11 Brennan: You hear in his mind, the teachers that look at it. There's like a couple. Porter looks at it, Jace looks at it, Coach Daybreak looks at it, Vice Principal Goldenhoard looks at it, and then he and the AV guys look at it. You see that he looks and says,

1:25:31 Shellford: Yeah, a lot of people look at it.

1:25:34 Fig: Mm, cool. Oh, I meant to ask you, uh, where is, uh, that other guy that you hang out with? Where is that guy today?

1:25:44 Adaine: Riz? Oh, no, Biz.

1:25:46 Fig: Biz, yeah, where's Biz?

1:25:47 Shellford: Biz got his fucking ass demolished, and he's in a hospital.

1:25:53 Fig: Why? What the--what happened?

1:25:56 Shellford: I don't know, we're not like super close.

1:25:59 Riz: Who are you close with?

1:26:01 Brennan: You see the thought goes into his head,

1:26:04 Shellford: No one, I'm close to no one. I just wish more than anything that I could let someone in.

1:26:09 Brennan: Um, you see he says,

1:26:11 Shellford: Uh, I'm not a fuckin' loser, so I fuckin' keep to myself, 'cause no one at this school is fuckin' cool. Ally laughs. A few seconds of awkward silence pass.

1:26:22 Fabian: All right.

1:26:24 Murph: We don't have this information, so we’re just--

1:26:27 Emily: Yeah, I'm just assuming that you're getting great information.

1:26:30 Fig: So why did you do it, huh? Why did you beat up Biz?

1:26:34 Shellford: Listen, nothing in the world would be easier than for me to take my fuckin' nunchucks.

1:26:40 Brennan: And he takes a pair of nunchucks out and says,

1:26:41 Shellford: And fuckin' take Biz apart.

1:26:46 Brennan: In his head he's going,

1:26:47 Shellford: I'm so scared. I don't know why these kids are yelling at me. I don't think I've done anything wrong, but then again I always do.

1:26:53 Emily: I look over to Adaine for validation that I'm getting somewhere with him. Siobhan blinks back at Emily.

1:26:59 Emily: All right, I grab the nunchucks.

1:27:01 Shellford: Whoa, those are vintage! Those are real nunchucks!

1:27:05 Fig: Yeah, then maybe--

1:27:05 Adaine: Hey, hey, hey, give him his nunchucks back.

1:27:08 Fig: Okay.

1:27:10 Shellford: Only reason I let you disarm me was because I think it would be unfair if you were unarmed.

1:27:18 Lou: [guffaws] Idiot!

1:27:20 Adaine: We don't wanna fight you, we are just worried about some stuff that's going on in this school. Do you know what Biz was working on? 'Cause we heard a rumor that it was something to do with a palimpsest?

1:27:32 Shellford: Palimpsest? He mentioned some shit about that, but I honestly was super fucking bored.

1:27:39 Brennan: In his head, he's going,

1:27:41 Shellford: I tuned out of what he was saying because it represented a threat to my identity and that was too terrifying for me to notice, so I don't listen to fully what he was saying, and instead used that time to craft a response that would make me seem bigger, because if I'm small, everyone's going to hurt me.

1:27:58 Adaine: [sighs] You know, I don't want to seem rude, but like--

1:28:05 Shellford: Too late?

1:28:07 Gorgug: What happened with the, what were you just looking at? Was there a van or something?

1:28:12 Shellford: Yeah, I'm writing a ticket. There's a van in the teacher parking lot.

1:28:16 Adaine: Oh, we can take that for you.

1:28:18 Shellford: Take the van?

1:28:20 Adaine: No, we can take the ticket down.

1:28:21 Fabian: Yeah, we'll put the ticket on the, uh, van.

1:28:23 Shellford: Okay, sure.

1:28:24 Fig: We love enforcing the law.

1:28:26 Brennan: He gives you guys the little ticket. In his head he's just going like,

1:28:30 Shellford: She was reaching out to you, Shellford. She was reaching out to you. Why did you bat her hand away? You always do this.

1:28:35 Shellford: Um, can I get back to work now, or do you guys have more bullshit you wanna talk about?

1:28:40 Riz: Does Daybreak hang out here?

1:28:45 Shellford: Uh, no. He's around sometimes 'cause he's a teacher and he has the authority to watch the footage.

1:28:51 Riz: Does he watch it more than the other--

1:28:54 Brennan: In his head, he says yes.

1:28:56 Adaine: What kind of footage is he looking at? He just seems like a creep, you know?

1:29:00 Shellford: Um, [scoffs] as creepy as six fuckin' losers who fuckin' lock the door to talk to somebody?

1:29:07 Adaine: I mean as creepy as somebody who volunteers to watch all of the video in the school.

1:29:13 Brennan: In his head, he's like,

1:29:14 Shellford: That hurts me so deeply and I can't get away from the pain. How do I get away? Everything I do just makes it worse.

1:29:23 Shellford: Um, [scoffs] okay. Uh, loser. [chuckles] So pretty much, um, I guess I'll catch you guys later unless you have anything else you want to bother me about?

1:29:37 Adaine: You know, kindness begets kindness, Shellford.

1:29:40 Siobhan: I walk out of the AV room.

1:29:43 Brennan: The last thought that he thinks to himself is like,

1:29:48 Shellford: How could I ever be kind to somebody when I've never been kind to myself?

1:29:52 Shellford: Uh, all right, fuckin' doinks. [chuckles] I'm happy.

1:29:58 Adaine: That is the saddest person I have ever met, but he is not involved.

1:30:02 Fabian: I'm happy? God.

1:30:05 Riz: Okay, well, so they have footage of us. We can't talk here.

1:30:11 Adaine: No, let's keep--

1:30:12 Gorgug: Should we just go to the, do you guys wanna just check out the--

1:30:16 Fabian: Van?

1:30:17 Adaine: Yeah.

1:30:18 Gorgug: The van?

1:30:19 Riz: Yeah, let's go to the van.

1:30:20 Fabian: We said we'd put the ticket on it, so--

1:30:21 Zac: What does the ticket say?

1:30:22 Ally: Can I find them in the hallway and join them?

1:30:24 Brennan: Um, sure! You go to find them in the hallway. Oh yeah, give me a Religion check as you're reading the book.

1:30:33 Ally: Oh, yeah, I was trying to look for another book. Can I see if I found it?

1:30:36 Brennan: Oh, sure, yeah.

1:30:39 Ally: Cool. Ooh, Religion, oh. 8.

1:30:41 Brennan: You see that the librarian comes over and says,

1:30:45 Librarian: [old, feeble voice] Deary, you and your friend have some overdue books, I believe. Have you returned The People's History of Falinel, The Eons of Solace--

1:30:51 Kristen: Oh, yeah, sorry. I have that right here.

1:30:54 Brennan: Takes The People's History, puts it away. She says,

1:30:57 Librarian: What are you looking for?

1:30:59 Kristen: Um, just a light-hearted YA book that I grew up with. It's called Blood-soaked Nails?

1:31:09 Librarian: Blood-soaked Nails, that's a, um, that's a piece of religious propaganda.

1:31:14 Kristen: Oh. Do we have it like for historical reasons, or--

1:31:18 Librarian: Not here in the library.

1:31:19 Kristen: Mm, cool. Huh! I was doing an, uh, a report on, uh, you know, hurtful, [chuckles] misguiding--

1:31:30 Librarian: You okay? Do you need some water?

1:31:32 Kristen: No, I don't need water! Uh, thank you. Do you have anything like that? Like, misguiding religious literature. I need to find anything I can.

1:31:39 Brennan: She looks around and pulls a book called A Theory of the Divine and hands it to you.

1:31:47 Kristen: Singular, great. Um, cool, thank you. Yeah, I'll check this out. I bet I can use this as a resource, so thanks a lot.

1:31:54 Librarian: Wonderful, very good.

1:31:56 Brennan: You meet these guys in the hall. As you are walking to them, you get a little text from your parents on your crystal that says, "EMERGENCY," all caps.

1:32:08 Ally: Jesus fucking Christ. Uh, okay.

1:32:12 Brennan: And you guys, you arrive here.

1:32:15 Kristen: I have to go home.

1:32:16 Riz: Kristen you didn’t-- You didn't ask anybody about cult literature, did you?

1:32:18 Kristen: I did, but don't worry, I was really smooth about it. They just think I'm writing a paper, and Blood-soaked Nails was already checked out.

1:32:25 Fabian: Yeah, of course.

1:32:28 Kristen: Um, I have to call my parents I guess.

1:32:31 Fig: Yeah, do it, that's fine. We're going to ticket a van.

1:32:34 Gorgug: What happened?

1:32:35 Adaine: Check out a van but say that we're ticketing it.

1:32:37 Kristen: I just got a text that said “emergency” from my parents.

1:32:39 Riz: Should we go to Kristen's house?

1:32:42 Kristen: Yes!

1:32:43 Adaine: Yeah, we'll go with you.

1:32:44 Kristen: Yeah, please, thank you so much.

1:32:44 Fig: Well, call them first.

1:32:45 Adaine: Yes, but let's check on this van really quickly. Yeah, call your parents on the way down.

1:32:48 Kristen: Okay, cool.

1:32:50 Brennan: You call your parents, your mom picks up the phone.

1:32:53 Donna: [Midwestern mom voice] Kristen, there's been an awful emergency. You gotta come home right now.

1:32:57 Kristen: Okay, what happened?

1:32:58 Donna: Alright, come home right now.

1:32:59 Kristen: What happened?

1:33:00 Donna: Come home right now. I gotta go, all right?

1:33:01 Kristen: Can I bring my friends?

1:33:02 Donna: Bring 'em, bring everybody! Bring 'em!

1:33:04 Brennan: And she hangs up.

1:33:05 Kristen: What the fuck? Um, okay. Can you check on the van and then speed on your bike, or a couple people?

1:33:11 Fabian: Yeah, that's fine.

1:33:12 Kristen: Do you guys mind splitting up?

1:33:13 Riz: Yeah, why don't we just go, shouldn't we just go straight to her place?

1:33:16 Gorgug: Let's just go to your place.

1:33:17 Fig: Let's just drop the ticket off and then we'll go to your place.

1:33:19 Adaine: Yeah, it's on the way! Let’s just go, it’s on the way

1:33:21 Riz: All right, let's go to the van, let's go to the van.

1:33:22 Brennan: You guys go, you drop a little ticket on the van.

1:33:25 Emily: Shake it.

1:33:26 Siobhan: Is there anything weird about this van?

1:33:27 Ally: Can I cast Detect Good and Evil on the van?

1:33:29 Brennan: Mm-hmm.

1:33:30 Ally: Cool. Do I roll for anything--

1:33:32 Murph: I got an 18 Investigate check.

1:33:33 Brennan: 18 Investigate check

1:33:34 Siobhan: Oh, yeah.

1:33:35 Zac: I got a-- [chuckles]

1:33:38 Siobhan: I got also an 18 Investigate check.

1:33:40 Gorgug: 7 Perception--

1:33:41 Lou: I got a 19 Investigation check.

1:33:42 Brennan: Cool, nobody beat a 20 though, right? [ Siobhan: No. ]

1:33:44 Ally: What's a, what's--

1:33:46 Brennan: Oh, Investigate is Intelligence.

1:33:48 Ally: What's Good and Evil?

1:33:49 Brennan: Oh, Good and Evil. You Detect Good and Evil, the van doesn't come up as either, but you see it's like a sealed cargo van basically. You guys lay the ticket on it, you rush over to the Applebees' home. You see that your family's out in the front, and there's a bunch of humans that you all recognize from church. Pastor Amelia is here as well. Um, you rush up, your mom says--by the way, it's about like, sort of like afternoon now, probably like school's letting out as you guys rush over to this other neighborhood. You see that your mom says,

1:34:23 Donna: Oh, thank God you're here, Kristen. Somebody attacked the church!

1:34:27 Kristen: What?

1:34:28 Donna: Somebody attacked the Church of Sol! This neighborhood is not safe. There's a bunch of people here, they're not believers, and--

1:34:34 Kristen: What do you mean, what happened? Who, what did they look like?

1:34:37 Brennan: Pastor Amelia comes over to you and says,

1:34:40 Pastor Amelia: [sighs] [calm Midwestern voice] Kristen, it's okay. Your mom's a little upset. Somebody vandalized the church.

1:34:47 Kristen: Did they hurt anyone?

1:34:49 Pastor Amelia: They didn't hurt anybody, but somebody destroyed a section of the church. The door to the rectory is missing.

1:34:57 Fig: [whispering] It's kind of weird to call your daughter out of school for-- vandalism?

1:34:59 Adaine: Yeah, in the middle of school? That’s what I was just thinking.

1:35:01 Kristen: You guys don't understand how important the church is to my mom.

1:35:05 Pastor Amelia: Somebody, somebody fully removed the entire doorway from the church, it looks like, so that wall collapsed. We can't find the door, or any of the archway, or the keystone or anything like that.

1:35:19 Gorgug: The keystone?

1:35:20 Pastor Amelia: Uh, above the arch, yeah.

1:35:22 Kristen: So you mean just like the whole door to the church was blown in.

1:35:26 Pastor Amelia: It was the door in the back to the rectory.

1:35:28 Gorgug: Can we talk over here for a second?

1:35:31 Kristen: Uh, wow, that's horrible. We’re gonna go--

1:35:33 Pastor Amelia: We're getting a group together, we're gonna do a vigil, and we're gonna do a little fundraiser, and your mom thought you should be here because you're chosen.

1:35:38 Siobhan: Can I do an Insight check on Kristen's mom?

1:35:41 Brennan: Sure.

1:35:41 Siobhan: And the priest.

1:35:43 Brennan: Go for it.

1:35:46 Siobhan: Uh, 18.

1:35:49 Brennan: Um, the mom seems frantic, and you, with an 18, you get a vibe on the whole crowd. These humans seem like, riled up. They seem like they have like, a weird victim complex about their religion, and that someone's vandalized their church, and like bad shit is afoot. The pastor seems to be mostly calming people down, but it looks like there's a big gathering here basically and they're gonna do some kind of vigil or whatever.

1:36:16 Ally: Um, the rectory, what is that again?

1:36:17 Brennan: A rectory is a place where the clergy lives in a church basically.

1:36:22 Gorgug: Oh. Was that door a part of the church originally or is that from somewhere else?

1:36:30 Brennan: You see the pastor kind of looks at you for a second, regards you.

1:36:34 Pastor Amelia: Uh, well, kiddo, [chuckles] actually it was a recovered piece of an older monastery. We actually, that doorway is centuries old. It was part of a big important highlight of the church.

1:36:47 Siobhan: Are we there right now?

1:36:49 Gorgug: Do you know where that church originally was?

1:36:53 Pastor Amelia: From Highcourt.

1:36:54 Gorgug: Mm.

1:36:56 Kristen: Cool, well, we're gonna go over there and just pray about it.

1:37:00 Pastor Amelia: That's great, that'd be great. Tell your friends we're gonna do a little fundraiser, do a little vigil.

1:37:04 Kristen: Cool, yeah.

1:37:04 Adaine: We'll bake some cookies.

1:37:06 Pastor Amelia: Mm-hmm, that's great.

1:37:07 Kristen: Yeah, great. [lowered voice] All right, guys. Hey, we can talk, but we just all have to hold hands 'cause then it looks like we're praying.

1:37:12 Fig: Yeah, that's cool, we can hold hands.

1:37:15 Adaine: I might have to let go to cast a spell, but I'll make it look like I'm scratching my nose or something.

1:37:19 Kristen: Great, okay. Just bow your heads and say whatever you want.

1:37:22 Riz: Hey, guys, so I think that doorway might be like the thing that somebody would need to go through to like--

1:37:29 Fabian: It's a portal.

1:37:30 Gorgug: It's the thing for portal.

1:37:31 Riz: Make the apocalypse happen.

1:37:32 Adaine: Right, can we go over there, and I can do like an Identify type situation?

1:37:39 Kristen: I think we should definitely do that.

1:37:41 Fabian: But the door's not at the church anymore, it's--

1:37:42 Adaine: No, I know, but maybe there’s like--

1:37:44 Kristen: No, but the area around it.

1:37:46 Fig: But doesn't anyone else feel like perhaps it could have something to do with the bank?

1:37:52 Adaine: I mean, maybe, but I think it's like--

1:37:53 Fig: If there's something that they're protecting there.

1:37:55 Adaine: If something has been magically disappeared, like they said it was disappeared, they didn't say it was taken.

1:38:02 Riz: I thought they said it was grabbed, did they meant the wall?

1:38:03 Gorgug: They said something hauled it out.

1:38:04 Adaine: You can't take an entire doorway, that's a magical thing.

1:38:07 Kristen: Well, let's go and look for clues. That's the closest thing we can do.

1:38:10 Ally: Um, can I tell her that we're just gonna head over there and pray closer to it?

1:38:15 Pastor Amelia: You are ordained, Kristen, and we're happy to have you, and we know that your faith is as rock-solid and unshakable as Sol's power. And if anything ever happened to your faith, this community would collapse.

1:38:27 Kristen: [chuckles] Yeah.

1:38:28 Pastor Amelia: It would be chaos.

1:38:29 Adaine: Praise Helio! We've gotta go.

1:38:31 Gorgug: We just prayed.

1:38:33 Brennan: You guys take off--

1:38:34 Kristen: Thank you so much, Adaine, thank you so much.

1:38:36 Emily: I create a Minor Illusion to hide her world religions book.

1:38:42 Brennan: You guys see that the church is locked but doesn't appear to be an active crime scene. Seems like the religious community's kind of handling it itself.

1:38:47 Ally: I accuse the church.

1:38:49 Brennan: Hell yeah.

1:38:50 Ally: I'm just kidding.

1:38:51 Brennan: No, that's great, you can accuse the church. That's fine with me. You open the doors to the church, walk in. Everyone make, I guess like, an Investigate check.

1:39:00 Siobhan: Can I use Detect Magic?

1:39:02 Brennan: Yes.

1:39:03 Zac: Can I use Perception instead?

1:39:04 Emily: 16. [ Murph: 17. ]

1:39:04 Brennan: Sure. What'd you get?

1:39:07 Murph: 17.

1:39:07 Brennan: 17?

1:39:08 Lou: 10.

1:39:09 Ally: I got 24.

1:39:10 Zac: I got a 22 Perception.

1:39:11 Brennan: 24 Perception? Awesome. You guys see tons of rubble. The back, so like, taking an entire doorway out of a thing is like incredible. Your Detect Magic reveals that there is some residual magic here of a, like, stone softening type. Some divine magic. And also a very faint residual enhancing of an ability, like a Strength-modifying transmutation.

1:39:41 Adaine: Oh, so this I think was done through magic, but also through strength. This is a team effort, this is not one person it feels like.

1:39:49 Gorgug: So you think they like, physically moved it out and then they physically had to move it away?

1:39:54 Adaine: I think somebody softened the stone around it and then somebody else who was made to be incredibly strong, or maybe several people, I don't know, pulled the doorway away.

1:40:03 Fabian: Mayhaps a paladin and a barbarian?

1:40:06 Ally: I pick up a djembe [drumming sound effect] because it brings me calm, and I start playing the djembe.

1:40:11 Emily: Can I look for any footprints or any kind of evidence of--

1:40:15 Brennan: That was what your guys' investigation check was for.

1:40:18 Emily: Oh, gotcha.

1:40:20 Brennan: You see there's some footprints in here. You can check more around the outside of the church if you want.

1:40:24 Emily: Yeah, that's what I want.

1:40:26 Siobhan: Yeah, can we take a, do you have things in your briefcase that could like, take a cast of the footprints? Murph looks to Brennan for confirmation. Brennan nods back at him.

1:40:34 Murph: I guess so.

1:40:35 Siobhan: In your little police kit.

1:40:37 Emily: I've got like a disguise kit, so I feel like--

1:40:39 Brennan: Yeah. Go ahead and make your investigation check for the exterior of the church.

1:40:42 Murph: 20, uh, 6.

1:40:44 Brennan: 26? Uh, Riz, you pop your magnifying glass out, and are looking all the way around. Uh, by the curb you see the faintest skid marks of a large four-wheeled vehicle.

1:41:03 Emily: Does it look like a fucking van?

1:41:05 Zac: Does it look like a van?

1:41:06 Riz: I think that we gotta go back to the van!

1:41:07 Fabian: All right, back to school.

1:41:08 Kristen: But let's make a plan before we go back 'cause we're gonna be on camera the whole time we're there.

1:41:13 Fabian: I mean, if--

1:41:14 Fig: I know what we'll do. We put the ticket on there, so I can go and pretend to just be, or one of us can go, or a group of us can go and pretend to be just rudely enforcing the ticket and see if anyone's in the van.

1:41:28 Adaine: Can you dress as like, as another teacher? Can you disguise yourself as another teacher and investigate it?

1:41:35 Fig: Always.

1:41:36 Gorgug: I'll just stand far away like when we were in the parking lot.

1:41:39 Kristen: What if, okay, so we're pretty sure Coach Daybreak is in the middle of this. What if I go and talk to Coach Daybreak and try to keep him in a room talking to him as long as I can about religion, and you are him. It feels like he's in the center of this.

1:41:54 Brennan: You guys rush back to the school. Upon rushing back, you guys see that the school's let out. It's twilight, and the back doors of the van are open.

1:42:08 Emily: We’ve gotta sneak over.

1:42:09 Murph: Should you Detect Magic or sneak up to it?

1:42:10 Siobhan: Yeah, let's sneak. My Detect Magic spell is still going, right?

1:42:13 Brennan: Yes, you still got your Detect Magic going. You see a faint trace of magic leading over to the bloodrush field.

1:42:19 Ally: Oh, my Detect Good and Evil is still going, right?

1:42:21 Brennan: A powerful evil traces over to bloodrush field.

1:42:24 Adaine: Oh no, the bloodrush field. We have to go talk to those jocks.

1:42:27 Fig: Perhaps you should give us a speech before we go rush over to the bloodrush field?

1:42:31 Kristen: I don't know if I have one in me, but you know what? [chuckles] Of course I do. [somber music starts playing] You guys, uh, I'm not gonna mix words, okay? There's no god. [ Fabian: What? Oh... ]

1:42:46 Kristen: There's no devil.

1:42:47 Gorgug: It's gonna get inspiring.

1:42:48 Riz: We've seen one. We talked to one.

1:42:48 Kristen: There's no hope.

1:42:50 Adaine: There's definitely gods and devils.

1:42:52 Kristen: Everything is random. And not the good random, like you go to Vegas and you're excited because it's random?

1:42:59 Fabian: Where is Vegas?

1:43:00 Kristen: Bad random. Like, oh, that was my brother, and he was just smashed by a hound.

1:43:08 Gorgug: What?

1:43:09 Kristen: When you're really young and a hound looks big.

1:43:11 Fabian: What is Vegas?

1:43:12 Kristen: And we don't know. There's no rhyme or reason. [ Gorgug: A wolf smashed through your house? ]

1:43:15 Kristen: Wind chimes are fucking annoying because of how erratic they are, okay? It's not good that it's random. There's no good in it. And maybe--

1:43:21 Gorgug: [whispering] Here we go, this is it.

1:43:27 Kristen: Maybe it's nice that we all found each other. And guys, I'm glad that we're all friends, and we all bring something different to the group, and maybe that's all for a reason. Maybe it was so nice that I met you all, and it's a perfect fit, and someone out there's looking out for me, or maybe not, and maybe the blood-soaked nails are still in my hands.

1:43:48 Adaine: But at least we're together, right?

1:43:50 Kristen: Yeah.

1:43:51 Fabian: Yes!

1:43:53 Emily: I wanna disguise myself as a Harvestman.

1:43:56 Brennan: You guys, you do that, voom, disguise. You guys hear a colossal shrieking noise and the breaking of stone from the bloodrush field.

1:44:06 Siobhan: Oh, run!

1:44:07 Murph: We run towards it.

1:44:08 Brennan: You sprint to the bloodrush field--

1:44:09 Emily: Let me be in the lead, 'cause I look like a Harvestman.

1:44:12 Zac: I'm standing in front of you.

1:44:15 Brennan: On one side of the field is an enormous stone arch from the church that is pulsing with infernal energy. On the other is a chest that has been opened, Coach Daybreak, and a legion of skeletal bloodrush players. Their padding hanging from their frame, turn to look at you. Coach Daybreak turns, smiles.

1:44:43 Daybreak: [low, gruff voice] Kristen, good to see you, kiddo.

1:44:45 Kristen: Hi.

1:44:46 Daybreak: Tryouts are over, my man.

1:44:49 Fabian: Oh, God.

1:44:50 Daybreak: But you know what? Just for today, let's play ball!

1:44:55 Brennan: I'm gonna need you all to roll initiative.

1:44:56 Ally: Jesus Christ. Oh, sorry.

1:45:01 Brennan: And that's it for this week on Fantasy High! Tune in next week where we see how this shakes down with old Coach Daybreak on the field! Later!

1:45:08 Siobhan: I knew that guy was bad. I knew it! [NEXT EPISODE - Episode 10: Battle of the Bloodrush Brethren] [NEXT TIME ON FANTASY HIGH]

1:45:09 Brennan: The arch from the Church of Sol glimmers with kinetic magic potential. Skeletons charge forward as Coach Daybreak blows on his whistle.

1:45:20 Daybreak: Shouldn't have come back to the field, kiddo! You got no heart!

1:45:23 Fabian: Let's play!

1:45:25 Brennan: [gasping] [mimics rattling] (laughing)

1:45:28 Adaine: Where are you going?

1:45:29 Fig: You got it, girl.

1:45:32 Ally: I'm going to take out the On the Subject of World Religions (laughing) and channel divinity.

1:45:38 Daybreak: You befriended these heretics and liars! You have rejected the faith, Kristen!

1:45:45 Kristen: Fuck you, Daybreak.

1:45:47 Fabian: Fuck you, dog!

1:45:47 Captions extracted by: gluegunshots

1:45:47 Edited by: gluegunshots, cheetolawyers