Prompocalypse - Pt. 2 (Ep. 17)

0:00:00 Brennan: Kristen is stable.

0:00:01 Ally: Can I roll for a nat 20 and then be alive?

0:00:06 Brennan: Sure, go for it. Lou and Siobhan hold their hands out to lend their energy. Lou folds his hands in prayer.

0:00:08 Ally: This is to the corn god. I know I left for a while, but… [gasps] Nat 20! Motherfucker! (dramatic music) (griffin screeches and roars) (laughs) Brennan is stunned into silence.

0:00:26 Murph: What a great ask.

0:00:30 Lou: Thank you.

0:00:31 Murph: Praise be to the corn god. Lou claps.

0:00:33 Ally: I believed in you in the beginning. I left—

0:00:34 Emily: [yelling, crosstalk] Are you gonna believe in the corn god again?

0:00:35 Lou: [clapping] Helio!

0:00:37 Emily: You have to rip up your comparative world religions book now.

0:00:40 Murph: [stressed] Please heal me.

0:00:42 Brennan: [still in shock] I'm going to take a break from this combat to narrate what happens. I've never seen something more-- He trails off and just looks at Ally’s die.

0:00:51 Zac: That's insane.

0:00:54 Brennan: What the fuck? (players laugh)

0:00:57 Ally: Hey, it's a god thing. [winks at Brennan] Wink. (players laugh)

0:01:00 Brennan: Speaking of god things, [arms splayed out] you are bleeding out on the balustrade--

0:01:04 Ally: Have been for a while.

0:01:06 Brennan: Have been for a while. Kristen, you appear at the corny gates. (heavenly music)

0:01:12 Ally: [laughing] Corny gates. (players chuckle)

0:01:18 Ally: The corny-ass gates.

0:01:20 Brennan: You see that the gates open before you as you stay here on the verge of death. You walk into the heavenly heights. As you're walking, you see happy people, angels flying around, there's a young, beautiful woman, this little weird 1960s vibe, midriff sweater, beehive hair, little long cigarette, beautiful red hair, smoking up a storm, surrounded by men and women and flirting with them all. You see she's going (inhales)

0:01:49 Woman: (raspy) Oh, I love it here, it's wonderful up here, it's wonderful.

0:01:53 Brennan: You see that she looks over at you and says,

0:01:54 Woman: (gasps) Kristen?

0:01:57 Kristen: Yeah?

0:01:59 Woman: It's me! Doreen.

0:02:01 Kristen: Oh my God, Doreen! Emily gasps.

0:02:03 Doreen: Yeah, why would you be old in Heaven? I'm young and hot again.

0:02:06 Kristen: I don't know; yeah, you are, you look cool. You look cool as fuck.

0:02:11 Doreen: It's great here. Kristen Yeah, cool.

0:02:14 Doreen: Hey, funny story: I haven't seen Helio around in a little while. Oh, can you tell that young woman Adaine all that stuff I said when I was dying, I was just mad.

0:02:22 Kristen: Oh, um--

0:02:25 Doreen: I got up here and immediately forgot about it all. I lived a good life.

0:02:26 Kristen: I think I'm dead, actually. I think I'm up here for good.

0:02:29 Doreen: Bummer, I'm sorry to hear that.

0:02:31 Kristen: Yeah, but it's okay.

0:02:35 Doreen: Sol wanted to see you.

0:02:37 Kristen: Oh, cool. Let's see, is he in a beer-pong room, or is he fucking—

0:02:44 Doreen: No, not Helio, he's in the beer-pong room. The father--

0:02:46 Kristen: Yeah, yeah, I just figured Sol was similar.

0:02:48 Doreen: He's in his office, he hasn't had anyone in in a while. The angels are all starting to get worried. He's been very secretive since, you know, the thing happened with you coming here.

0:02:56 Kristen: Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, I'll go see him. (mysterious music)

0:03:01 Brennan: What's Kristen's feeling as she's walking through the heavenly heights?

0:03:03 Ally: Fucking over it! How is any of this real? How did I end up here again? I did a lot more research.

0:03:11 Brennan: You walk up, you see a bunch of angels look and they say,

0:03:13 Angel: You have leave to enter this place. Sol has not seen fit to allow us entry in some time. He wishes to speak to a mortal only. Enter, but please be kind to him, he is our creator.

0:03:28 Kristen: Yeah, yeah. Sorry I've kinda got a chip on my shoulder lately, but yeah, of course.

0:03:36 Brennan: You enter the room, you close the door behind you. You look over and the first thing you notice is a pair of feet with sandals sticking out from behind a desk, and you turn your head to look and you see a long-bearded, white-robed god with sun [indicates sun coming from his head] unconscious on the ground, and you see, standing on the desk with no pants and just boxers and a shirt with a crazy tie is Arthur Aguefort, who goes,

0:04:04 Aguefort: (British accent, crazed) (panting) Kristen! Thank goodness, you're here just in time!

0:04:08 Kristen: Did you kill God?

0:04:09 Aguefort: Oh no, I think he's just unconscious; I don't know if you can kill a god. The only way you can kill a god is to kill all of their followers in the Prime Material Plane. (pants) Yes, great magic's at work here.

0:04:18 Kristen: What is going on? Why are you dressed like a weird stripper?

0:04:22 Aguefort: What? It's too hot in here. He's the sun! I had to take my pants off, I was sweating.

0:04:26 Kristen: Why? Why would you start with your pants? That's crazy.

0:04:28 Augefort: I shed heat through my legs, mostly.

0:04:30 Kristen: Okay, yeah. Alright, cool.

0:04:33 Augefort: Alright. (groans) My darling girl, you're here. It all worked, everything worked out. My mind, they were poisoning it. My body was a prison, so I had to kill myself to regain my intellect, and now, I've made the god of the sun unconscious, and I've been running Heaven behind their back. No one knows I'm in here. The angels all think that their god is still around. It's been quite (sniffs) some time, but you understand—

0:04:53 Kristen: Yeah, see, that's the moment that I remember. There are antipsychotic drugs that are so good. It's like, you don't even realize when you're going into an episode, it just smooths your whole life out.

0:05:06 Aguefort: My darling girl, recreation is the highest form of self-medication, and I have realized long ago that the heart and soul of magic is having a good time.

0:05:17 Kristen: So you're a god now?

0:05:19 Aguefort: Barely, but, there is business. Goldenhoard is Kalvaxus.

0:05:24 Kristen: I know, we know that; he just killed me.

0:05:26 Aguefort: Oh no! We have not much time. Listen! Alright. I'm going to clean up around here a little bit more, I've been shitting in the corner for a long time. Lou chuckles.

0:05:33 Kristen: Jesus Christ.

0:05:34 Aguefort: I've been holed up in here for quite some while, so, what you need to do is this: there's a door past here. It is a door to the void, the source of all divine energy. You understand that Sol is one god of many?

0:05:51 Kristen: Oh, cool, I always thought that.

0:05:54 Aguefort: All gods gain their power from beyond that door,

0:05:57 Brennan: And you see a door at the end of a staircase. The door is not gleaming and golden; it is shifting, gray, with a cool energy to it. He says,

0:06:11 Augefort: If you wish for answers, that is where the gods go for theirs.

0:06:17 Kristen: (inhales deeply) Okay, cool.

0:06:22 Brennan: You walk into the door. (peaceful, ethereal music) You walk into endless, inky void. It's not scary, like being in space or anything, it's not scary like it's gonna consume you, the darkness. It feels warm. It feels like the darkness at the beginning of things. It doesn't feel like an end, it feels like endless potential. You hear a soft voice speaking to you from all around, and it says,

0:06:59 Voice: You've been asking a question for quite some time. Would you like to ask it here? Kristen nods.

0:07:09 Voice: What is your question?

0:07:12 Kristen: Why and who? (players chuckle)

0:07:21 Voice: Who is easy. It is us, everything, and you. Why is harder. Why is something that only you can decide. The universe doesn't have a why.

0:07:47 Kristen: Okay, cool. Can I have sex with whoever I want? (players chuckle)

0:07:56 Voice: From the smallest atom of creation--

0:07:59 Kristen: Hot.

0:08:00 Voice: To the greatest stars in the sky-- (Kristen moans)

0:08:03 Voice: Spinning galaxies and particles so small that they are beyond imagination—

0:08:08 Kristen: Uncomfortably wet. (players chuckle)

0:08:13 Voice: None of that gives a shit about who you fuck.

0:08:17 Kristen: Cool. (chuckles)

0:08:20 Voice: As long as you're fucking people who are into it.

0:08:25 Kristen: Cool. (soothing, peaceful music) This is all great news.

0:08:28 Brennan: You see that it says, Ally giggles.

0:08:32 Voice: The first rule of existence is: as above, so below. People are fractal images of the universe. You are as we are. Bad things happen to good people because things happen all the time, and it is up to people to determine whether they are bad or good. In the same way that your heart feels and your mind thinks, you mortal beings are the instrument by which the universe cares. If you choose to care, then the universe cares, and if you don't, then it doesn't.

0:09:17 Kristen: [whispering] Cool. I care.

0:09:20 Brennan: (mimics soft puff) As you say, "I care," your heart glows with incredible power, a deep red and pink and then purples, expanding out through the void. You see that the void, you can feel warmth and happiness from your choice to care.

0:09:37 Voice: If you care, we care. Kristen, what is a god worthy of your worship?

0:09:46 Kristen: Just an enthusiastic yes with an exclamation point, (laughing) floating in the sky. (Brennan mimics explosion) (players chuckle)

0:09:55 Brennan: A giant three-dimensional block-letters “Yes!” with an exclamation mark appears in front of you. You see it, it says, Yes!: Yes, Kristen, yes! I am so happy to be the object of your worship.

0:10:12 Kristen: Dope. Yes!: I care so much about you and about the things that you care about, and if you want spells, and you wanna spread the gospel, and you wanna teach people about how easy it is to care and be kind and take care of people, then I'm here to help.

0:10:28 Kristen: Cool. (Brennan mimics loud thud)

0:10:32 Brennan: You appear back at the staircase.

0:10:34 Ally: Dope. (claps)

0:10:36 Brennan: Arthur Aguefort says,

0:10:37 Aguefort: How did it go in there?

0:10:40 Kristen: It was interesting. Now I have a really enthusiastic god that I praise. He's kinda like the person you invite to the party and 10 minutes in, you're like, (groans) “This is gonna take a lot of mental energy."

0:10:56 Aguefort: You've created a new deity and already, you're fed up with it. I would say that's par for the course. Now, I'm gonna kick this door down and shoot all of these angels in the head. We're gonna run--

0:11:01 Kristen: Run?

0:11:06 Aguefort: We're gonna run for the exit.

0:11:08 Kristen: No, what? This is you popping in my backpack again.

0:11:11 Aguefort: Alright. What's that?

0:11:12 Kristen: When you hopped in my backpack and you just went, "Shh," a whole bunch.

0:11:14 Aguefort: Ooh! Very clever!

0:11:17 Brennan: He crawls into your backpack--

0:11:17 Kristen: No, no! I didn't.

0:11:20 Brennan: He says,

0:11:20 Aguefort: Alright, get out of here. If you stop walking, I'm gonna jump out and start shooting.

0:11:24 Kristen: Okay.

0:11:25 Ally: I just keep walking.

0:11:28 Brennan: You walk to the gates, you get there, you see that the guardian angel of the gate says,

0:11:33 Angel: I'm sorry, I don't think you're able to—

0:11:36 Brennan: See Arthur reaches out and goes (mimics gunshot), just in the shoulder, and he says,

0:11:40 Aguefort: Run! It's just a wound, just an injury!

0:11:45 Brennan: What do you do?

0:11:45 Ally: I sprint! I sprint out of there.

0:11:48 Brennan: You sprint, leap, (mimics wind whooshing) you start descending back to the world. You see the gym appearing before you. You see that Arthur goes,

0:11:58 Aguefort: Now, I'm going to be occupied the moment we arrive.

0:12:01 Brennan: He starts putting his pants back on and doing his tie and getting his umbrella.

0:12:04 Aguefort: I will be occupied the moment we arrive back there. Listen to me. Remember, you have all the time you need, alright? We can save your friends. Remember, Kristen. The greatest magic of all. (dramatic orchestral music)

0:12:18 Aguefort: Do you remember?

0:12:19 Kristen: Is friendship.

0:12:22 Aguefort: What the fuck is wrong with you?

0:12:24 Kristen: The greatest magic of all, this winter at Disneyland.

0:12:25 Aguefort: Friendship? Are you, are you, are you, (whooshing) are you about friendship? Friends die all of the time! What an insane--

0:12:36 Kristen: The greatest magic of all is the devil making us believe he doesn't exist.

0:12:40 Aguefort: No, that's a saying; listen to me! Friendship? Fuck! All this, “Love is the greatest magic of all.” So, in a war, a mother and her children get fucking iced in an alleyway outside of their home, was the problem that they didn't love each other enough? That's crazy, Kristen! That's crazy! Love is not magic! Magic is magic, love is love!

0:13:00 Kristen: Okay, what's the answer, cokehead?

0:13:01 Aguefort: Chronomancy! As I said, at your first day, the greatest magic of all is chronomancy. Around your neck, by your dog tags.

0:13:10 Kristen: Uh-huh?

0:13:10 Aguefort: My watch.

0:13:12 Kristen: Cool. (mimics loud thud)

0:13:15 Brennan: You guys land back where you are, ba-ba-ba-bum. Arthur Aguefort appears on the battlefield. Brennan places Kristen and Aguefort’s minis on the table. Arthur Aguefort looks like a bald, Black Dumbledore.

0:13:23 Emily: Oh shit!

0:13:24 Ally: Oh shit!

0:13:25 Emily: He's back, bitch!

0:13:25 Brennan: He's back, bitch! He appears; you see he goes--

0:13:29 Lou: Is Arthur Aguefort Black?

0:13:31 Brennan: Yeah!

0:13:31 Lou: Hell yes. (group laughs)

0:13:36 Brennan: You see that Arthur Aguefort lands—

0:13:41 Ally: (laughs) In a suit.

0:13:41 Lou: Yeah. My brother. (group laughs)

0:13:45 Lou: Damn. (laughs)

0:13:49 Brennan: Arthur Aguefort says,

0:13:49 Aguefort: The watch, Kristen!

0:13:51 Brennan: He looks over at Kalvaxus and goes,

0:13:54 Aguefort: Ah, Kalvaxus.

0:13:57 Brennan: You see that Mr. Gibbons appears out of nowhere and he goes,

0:14:00 Mr. Gibbons: Powerful feelings.

0:14:02 Brennan: Leaps into Aguefort's throat, and you see that Aguefort goes,

0:14:06 Aguefort: (gasps) Mr. Gibbons, see reason!

0:14:08 Brennan: (mimics punch thudding) And clocks himself in the face. Kristen, it is your turn, you are holding the watch. (mimics static warbling)

0:14:18 Watch: Please select how many people you would like to bring with you into this suspended chronological animation, and for how many hours. Kindly select a number between one and 12.

0:14:32 Ally: I pick the party.

0:14:32 Emily: And Dad.

0:14:34 Ally: The other five people— what?

0:14:35 Emily: And my daddy.

0:14:37 Ally: Oh yeah, and Gorthalax the Insatiable.

0:14:41 Murph: (quiet) Sklonda.

0:14:41 Ally: And Sklonda. And all of the police force, if they ever show up.

0:14:48 Brennan: Unless you can name police members, I don't think the watch is going to accept it.

0:14:52 Ally: Sklonda and who's the—

0:14:54 Emily: You can leave Gilear out of it. (Ally chuckles)

0:14:57 Ally: Never mind.

0:14:57 Brennan: Sklonda, Gorthalax, you and the party.

0:15:00 Ally: Yeah.

0:15:01 Brennan: Cool.

0:15:01 Ally: And, that's it.

0:15:06 Siobhan: What about Aguefort, Arthur Aguefort?

0:15:07 Ally: And Aguefort— Well, Aguefort is being possessed. Does he wanna be awake?

0:15:10 Brennan: You don't know. He could possibly kill himself if he's just allowed to possess himself.

0:15:15 Ally: Punching himself? I'll leave him out.

0:15:18 Murph: Here's a question. Should you leave me out? Will she still have a chance to heal? 'Cause I'll die if it comes back to my turn, I can almost guarantee it.

0:15:27 Ally: You're the only one who can call police. I think I can get to you--

0:15:29 Murph: No, I think I was just rolling for their turn for them to eventually come. Will she have a chance to heal or do anything?

0:15:36 Brennan: She will have a bonus action to throw a Healing Word to you.

0:15:40 Ally: Yeah, okay. So that's what I do. (mimics warbled buzz)

0:15:43 Murph: Then don't cryogenically freeze me. (Brennan mimics warbled static)

0:15:46 Brennan: You name those people, Gorthalax looks around very surprised.

0:15:50 Ally: Oh, sorry, and Jawbone! (Murph laughs)

0:15:53 Brennan: (pirate voice briefly) Right under the wire, Miss Applebees. You see (mimics warbling static), time stops. (ticking clock) You Healing Word Riz.

0:16:00 Ally: Yup.

0:16:07 Brennan: And you see that Kalvaxus, (monster snarls) stops. All of your friends are bleeding on the ground. You Healing Word everybody. Arthur Aguefort is frozen, Gorthalax looks around, Jawbone—

0:16:23 Siobhan: I'm also out. Oh, 10?

0:16:25 Murph: 10 for everyone?

0:16:27 Ally: 10 for everyone.

0:16:27 Siobhan: Thank you.

0:16:29 Brennan: Jawbone is way in the back of Goldenhoard's mouth, and you got him right when his mouth was mostly closed, so you see Jawbone waves out from through the teeth, going,

0:16:39 Jawbone: Hey, gang! I'm mostly just sorta in here. I don't know exactly what's going on.

0:16:46 Riz: Do you need help getting out?

0:16:49 Brennan: You see he starts clawing inside and he's like,

0:16:51 Jawbone: Nah, this time doodad, I can't really do damage right now. (sighs) I'm good.

0:17:00 Fig: Do you want some food?

0:17:00 Jawbone: Yeah, if you wanna go get a burger or a shake— no, 'cause you did a time ding-dang, right?

0:17:05 Kristen: Well, we could just go take them.

0:17:07 Riz: What if we threw some bombs down his throat, could you move out of the way a little bit?

0:17:10 Zac: It's fire damage, though.

0:17:12 Murph: Is it?

0:17:12 Zac: Yeah.

0:17:15 Siobhan: If we've got all the time in the world, could we damage him if he's stuck in time?

0:17:19 Brennan: You cannot damage him as he's stuck in time. What you guys can do is take a long rest.

0:17:22 Zac: (chuckles) Oh god.

0:17:25 Lou: What?

0:17:25 Ally: Yeah, I'll pick 12 hours.

0:17:26 Murph: That's amazing!

0:17:27 Brennan: You picked 12 hours, right?

0:17:29 Emily: Oh my god.

0:17:30 Murph: I just pull up a sleeping bag.

0:17:32 Brennan: You see that Gorthalax says,

0:17:33 Gorthalax: This feels a little weird, right?

0:17:35 Emily: I say,

0:17:35 Fig: Dad, that's what happens when you hang out with my friends.

0:17:39 Gorthalax: Hey, you know, it's kinda like a lock-in, right?

0:17:41 Riz: It is like a lock-in, I was gonna say the same thing, Gorthalax!

0:17:44 Brennan: You're standing here with the fucking end of the world in front of you, and he's like,

0:17:46 Gorthalax: Uh, okay, you know what? Why don't we go pitch a tent out in the yard? I don't feel great, it's just creepy to sleep right next to the dude, you know?

0:17:55 Fig: I wanna sleep between his legs. (laughs)

0:17:57 Murph: Is Ragh alive?

0:17:57 Brennan: You go over to Ragh. Ragh is stable, but he's out of time.

0:18:05 Emily: I'll Healing Word him.

0:18:05 Murph: Don't use a spell. I'll just bring him up to one with my kit.

0:18:09 Emily: No, but we're about to sleep.

0:18:10 Brennan: You can bring him up to one with your kit. Cool.

0:18:11 Murph: Great, I'll just bring him up to 1.

0:18:13 Siobhan: Can I pull sandwiches for everybody out of my jacket, and then I'll Mage Hand one up to Jawbone?

0:18:19 Brennan: [intense music] In the middle of the most (mimics dramatic drum music), the battle of all time, a fucking new deity is created, (mimics explosion) Arthur Aguefort is back, the wizard of the fucking academy.  Five minutes after that, you guys are all sitting on a step outside, [intense music stops] just kinda eating sandwiches.

0:18:34 Emily: Oh no, me, Gorthalax, and Gorgug are actually jamming. (laughs) (Brennan mimics funky guitar music)

0:18:41 Zac: We have 12 hours, right? I wanna get eight hours, but I wanna just practice—

0:18:44 Emily: We're gonna jam for four hours.

0:18:45 Siobhan: I can change my--

0:18:47 Brennan: You can change your spells prepared.

0:18:49 Ally: Hell yeah. Get all our shit back.

0:18:50 Lou: I'd like to go and just stab Dayne in the chest a bunch of times.

0:18:55 Brennan: The time stops your thing at his (mimics metal clanking). (Lou chuckles)

0:19:00 Zac: I wish I could just go like, (imitates an ax swing) (groans).

0:19:03 Emily: Can I put on Penelope's crown?

0:19:05 Brennan: Yes, you can.

0:19:05 Ally: Can we sleep, a long rest, but wake up with enough time to prepare actions before we’re back in full battle?

0:19:12 Brennan: Yeah, you guys got 12 hours.

0:19:12 Ally: Hell yeah.

0:19:14 Brennan: Sandwiches and jam probably takes what, 45 minutes? An hour? So, you guys are just kinda kicking it, after—

0:19:17 Emily: Can I also, um—

0:19:20 Murph: Does my mom show up?

0:19:21 Brennan: Yeah, literally, about 10 minutes after you guys have eaten sandwiches, you see your mom very carefully sneaks up, and she looks at you and goes,

0:19:29 Sklonda: [whispering] Riz, the whole world has become insane!

0:19:32 Riz: Yeah, that's 'cause of us.

0:19:34 Sklonda: What the fuck do they teach you at this school?

0:19:37 Gorgug: [normal volume] Are you talking about the time thing?

0:19:38 Sklonda: [exasperated] Yeah, Gorgug, the time thing!

0:19:39 Gorgug: Well, there's a lot that's insane there.

0:19:41 Riz: Your car probably just stopped with all of your friends just--

0:19:44 Sklonda: I had to pull the seat in the back down and kick the taillights out to squeeze through. What's happening?

0:19:49 Riz: Gorthalax-- Or, not Gorthalax--

0:19:52 Kristen: I created a new god.

0:19:54 Riz: [nods and gestures to Kristen] ...Well, that's just complicated and unnecessary.

0:19:57 Kristen: Hm? Oh, sorry.

0:19:57 Riz: What's the dragon's name?

0:20:01 Kristen: [to Sklonda] It's an enthusiastic Yes.

0:20:02 Riz: Guys, what's the dragon's name? Fig/Gorgug/Adaine: Kalvaxus.

0:20:03 Kristen: Oh, that.

0:20:05 Riz: Kalvaxus is here, he's a giant dragon.

0:20:07 Gorgug: He was our principal.

0:20:07 Riz: We do have a time watch that can stop it for 12 hours, so we're taking a quick, (chuckles) taking a (forms T with his hands) T.

0:20:17 Brennan: [handing Murph a mini] That’s Detective Sklonda Gukgak.

0:20:17 Murph: What's up?

0:20:18 Brennan: What's up, mom?

0:20:18 Ally: Aww, cute!

0:20:21 Siobhan: Sklonda!

0:20:23 Brennan: You guys all sleep. Your mom is sitting there, so there's a moment where you guys jam for a while. While you guys are jamming, Gorthalax is going,

0:20:32 Gorthalax: Oh, man, alright. Well, I think we can take him. I think I feel good; you feel good?

0:20:36 Fig: Yeah, I feel amped.

0:20:37 Zac: I'm stretching. (Emily laughs)

0:20:41 Riz: Oh, Mom, I think we should maybe climb up and go stab him in the head, because this is the guy, he ate Dad, he told me he ate Dad.

0:20:51 Sklonda: [pauses] We're gonna kill this motherfucker, sweetie.

0:20:52 Riz: I agree, I was thinking about crawling in there and trying to get out his goblin bone, so we can give him a proper burial, but I think that would be fucked up and I'd maybe get eaten by his stomach acids, so let's just stab him in the head.

0:21:01 Sklonda: Sweetie?

0:21:01 Riz: Yeah?

0:21:01 Sklonda: We're going to be the goblins that killed a dragon.

0:21:05 Riz: Hell yeah.

0:21:05 Sklonda: That's what we're gonna be. And you know what? We are badass. [clasps hands with Riz] We are badass. (Ally chuckles)

0:21:10 Brennan: While you guys are jamming on the stage, you see that Jawbone is just in the mouth, going,

0:21:15 Jawbone: Woo! Yeah! (players laugh)

0:21:20 Murph: I give Jawbone a sandwich. (Brennan mimics snarling)

0:21:25 Jawbone: It's weird, I'm like a mouth in a mouth.

0:21:27 Gorgug: I've never seen a wolf eat a sandwich. (laughs)

0:21:29 Jawbone: You've never seen a wolf eat a sandwich?

0:21:31 Gorgug: Well, maybe, actually.

0:21:32 Fig: I saw you eat a salad one time. I thought you were more of a salad guy.

0:21:36 Jawbone: I am more of a salad guy, but on a day like this where you're fighting, you're burning a ton of calories, you can kinda eat whatever you want.

0:21:41 Fig: Yeah, that's true.

0:21:43 Brennan: You see that (laughs) Gorthalax and Sklonda are hanging outside. Sklonda's there, can't believe what you just told her. Gorthalax looks over at Sklonda, she goes,

0:21:55 Sklonda: I can't believe it. This man killed my husband, and I'm gonna kill him with my son.

0:22:03 Brennan: You see Gorthalax looks over and says,

0:22:06 Gorthalax: I'm sorry that your husband passed, that's really rough. I'm Gorthalax, I'm Fig's dad.

0:22:13 Brennan: Everyone here make Insight checks.

0:22:16 Emily: Oh my God.

0:22:18 Lou: 13.

0:22:19 Emily: 6.

0:22:19 Murph: So many dads.

0:22:20 Zac: 12.

0:22:20 Ally: 12.

0:22:20 Siobhan: 20, not nat 20.

0:22:22 Murph: 17.

0:22:24 Brennan: Riz and Adaine, and Fig as well, you guys look over and see Gorthalax and Sklonda share a soft look.

0:22:32 Siobhan: Oh my God.

0:22:35 Emily: Gilear is gonna be so humiliated again.

0:22:36 Siobhan: Cucked again. (Emily laughs)

0:22:36 Murph: Mom, he's so enormous. For goblins.

0:22:43 Brennan: Okay. You guys sleep, all your hit points are back, it's a long rest, you guys re-prepare spells, it's a brand new day.

0:22:51 Emily: I sleep between his legs. (laughs)

0:22:51 Brennan: You sleep between his legs. He is moving very slowly. (faint rumbling) 'Cause you play for a while—

0:22:59 Murph: Yeah, I wanna dance in front of him, so that he just sees it real quick.

0:23:04 Brennan: Just watches it all happen in fast motion.

0:23:07 Siobhan: Is this weird? Can I get a bunch of ice out of my jacket and ice everybody's weapons?

0:23:16 Brennan: Yeah, you can do that.

0:23:16 Siobhan: Is that nuts? I don’t know if it’ll do any fucking difference.

0:23:18 Brennan: Make them cold? Sure.

0:23:20 Zac: Do you have that wand?

0:23:20 Siobhan: I do have that wand, but I don't know if the wand will… I mean, can I-- I don't really know what the wand does, except that it's like—

0:23:26 Murph: More like a cantrip?

0:23:27 Emily: I think the wand—

0:23:28 Brennan: It's a wand of Ray of Frost.

0:23:29 Siobhan: It's a wand of Ray of Frost!

0:23:31 Brennan: Yeah, it's a wand of Ray of Frost.

0:23:32 Murph: That's so funny.

0:23:32 Brennan: You guys go ahead and position your characters wherever you want them.

0:23:37 Siobhan: But if I have the wand, can I do the wand and a spell?

0:23:37 Brennan: No, it's an action.

0:23:40 Siobhan: Nah, dang, alright.

0:23:41 Murph: Yup.

0:23:43 Emily: Yeah, I probably wanna be within--

0:23:43 Murph: Move over, boys. I’m coming up.

0:23:46 Emily: Is this within 60 feet of him?

0:23:48 Brennan: Where you at?

0:23:50 Murph: 60 feet? Like to be---

0:23:53 Zac: I can scoot over.

0:23:55 Emily: Actually, I wanna stand on this now. No, that's... (laughs) As long as it's more than 60 feet.

0:23:59 Murph: I'm gonna just put myself up here just to have my character up there, but--

0:24:03 Lou: I guess I'd like to be on his back.

0:24:06 Brennan: Dope.

0:24:06 Zac: Off your motorcycle?

0:24:07 Lou: Off my motorcycle.

0:24:07 Murph: I guess more down on the neck, so maybe I can possibly try to hide in his spikes. (laughs)

0:24:09 Lou: (crosstalk) Motorcycle’s never very far.

0:24:11 Brennan: Okay. Put the Hangman wherever you want it.

0:24:21 Ally: I guess I'll just do this as a move, but I wanted to cast Spiritual Weapon on my book of Helio and hand it to Jawbone to throw down his throat, so that the spiritual weapon will just be in him and he'll take hit points.

0:24:36 Brennan: He grabs it and there’s, well, now your spiritual weapon is no longer a cob of corn. Now it's a big, floating, block-letter yes with an exclamation point.

0:24:44 Siobhan: So '90s.

0:24:45 Murph: Just a Buzzfeed symbol. (players laugh)

0:24:45 Murph: Yeah.

0:24:48 Brennan: He takes it through the teeth—

0:24:49 Emily: Kinda like Jeb Bush's—

0:24:51 Brennan: Shoves it down there—

0:24:52 Fig: Here's basically Jeb Bush's campaign.

0:24:53 Ally: Excuse me?

0:24:53 Zac: Please clap. (players laugh)

0:24:58 Ally: Never mind, I don't wanna do that.

0:24:59 Brennan: Okay. Cool.

0:25:01 Ally: Oh wait, I do wanna position myself. Can I climb in with Jawbone?

0:25:04 Murph: Can you give us a Bless?

0:25:08 Ally: Can I climb in with Jawbone?

0:25:10 Brennan: You can't get through the teeth into the mouth.

0:25:12 Ally: Okay, I Bless you (Riz), your mom (Sklonda), and you (Fabian). Are those the only people who have vendettas? (players laugh)

0:25:19 Zac: I think we're all pretty Blessed. (smiles)

0:25:21 Brennan: Also, you have the teddy bear, so you can Bless two people if you want, or Bless six people.

0:25:23 Murph: You don’t have to Bless my mom.

0:25:24 Ally: I Bless everyone, everyone's got it.

0:25:25 Murph: Dope.

0:25:26 Emily: Sweet.

0:25:27 Ally: Everyone's Blessed, I am going to hide underneath him. (several groans)

0:25:33 Zac: He's gonna step on you.

0:25:34 Siobhan: That seems dangerous. Yeah, you need to stay safe. The reason that we died is because you died.

0:25:38 Ally: But I have spirit guardians, and I have to be within 15 feet, and I can do a lot of damage.

0:25:44 Brennan: You guys have a minute left before the rush runs out.

0:25:48 Murph: Wait, we're all on him?

0:25:48 Lou: We're all on him.

0:25:49 Brennan: Everyone has crawled onto Kalva—

0:25:51 Adaine: I'm not.

0:25:51 Brennan: You're not. (Emily laughs)

0:25:54 Brennan: That's going to be--

0:25:54 Siobhan: That's stupid.

0:25:57 Brennan: So, Sklonda's there--

0:25:57 Ally: Fuck it, I'll be over here. This is still 15 feet, right? If I'm near his wing?

0:26:02 Brennan: Yeah, for sure.

0:26:03 Siobhan: Can anybody use a wand?

0:26:06 Brennan: Anyone with a little bit of Arcane talent can, yeah.

0:26:09 Murph: Give it to the guy who’s eating food.

0:26:12 Siobhan: Can I give it to Gorthalax?

0:26:14 Brennan: You give it to Gorthalax, he takes it, snaps it in half, presses it flat, and has a little guitar pick, (guitar music warbles) and his guitar goes icy blue.

0:26:24 Siobhan: Sick.

0:26:24 Murph: Dope.

0:26:25 Ally: At first I thought he really fucked up (laughs), and I was like, that was a waste of a turn.

0:26:30 Brennan: We come back in at the top of the initiative order. The watch, (mimics watch ticking) (warbled time buzz speeding up)

0:26:37 Kalvaxus: What the fuck?

0:26:39 Brennan: And that's going to be Fig's turn.

0:26:41 Emily: I'm doing Reckless Shred, which means he's gonna have disadvantage on all saving throws against damage-dealing spells, hint hint, anyone, and I'm doing Dissonant Whispers, level four.

0:26:53 Murph: Hell yeah, dude.

0:26:53 Lou: Hell yeah, dude.

0:26:55 Brennan: He gets disadvantage?

0:26:55 Emily: And he has disadvantage.

0:26:58 Brennan: He fails that saving throw.

0:26:58 Emily: Okay! So, that is 3, this is 1, so, 6d6.

0:27:07 Brennan: Go ahead and roll it. You want some d6?

0:27:08 Emily: Gimme d6.

0:27:09 Zac: Oh, d6.

0:27:12 Brennan: Here you go. 6d6, you got it.

0:27:14 Zac: D6. (dice rattle)

0:27:15 Zac: You already have six? (takes his die back)

0:27:15 Emily: Yeah. Okay, that is, 12, 18, 19, 21. No, 22, 22.

0:27:29 Brennan: Damn. (mimics electric guitar warble) You shred so hard, he goes (groans) and slams into the wall here. (rumbling) He whips at you and deals you 16 points of damage with his tail as he flies away.

0:27:46 Emily: Okay.

0:27:46 Brennan: That's going to be Ragh. Ragh stands up--

0:27:50 Emily: Oh, and I wink at, who needs it?

0:27:53 Murph: I would love it.

0:27:56 Emily: I wink at my boy.

0:27:56 Murph: Thank you. (ding)

0:27:59 Zac: Ragh goes before me?

0:28:01 Ally: (to Emily) You forget his name?

0:28:02 Brennan: Oh, sorry, yeah, you go first, Gorgug.

0:28:04 Zac: I'm gonna just Reckless Attack and I get advantage on attack. Can I use this?

0:28:10 Siobhan: Yeah. Nice.

0:28:15 Zac: Yes, I hit him. And my second attack--

0:28:20 Emily: Don't forget your d4, 'cause we're Blessed.

0:28:22 Zac: Oh yes. Alright, so my second attack is 17, does that hit?

0:28:30 Brennan: A 17 does not hit.

0:28:30 Zac: Okay. My last attack is 21.

0:28:38 Brennan: 21 hits.

0:28:38 Zac: So,2, hit him for 12, ooh, and then 19.

0:28:45 Brennan: Jesus!

0:28:47 Ally: Hell yeah.

0:28:47 Brennan: 12 and 19?

0:28:49 Ally: 31.

0:28:55 Brennan: I'm gonna need everybody on, I'm gonna need Kristen, Sklonda, Gorgug, Riz, Fabian, to all make Dexterity saving throws.

0:29:02 Murph: Really smart idea.

0:29:09 Siobhan: Is this a spell?

0:29:10 Ally: Nat 1! (sad whoosh)

0:29:12 Emily: Remember to add your Bless.

0:29:12 Murph: Yeah, of course.

0:29:14 Brennan: Nat 1.

0:29:16 Ally: Nat 1 with a 4 Bless.

0:29:18 Zac: I got a 18.

0:29:21 Lou: A 26.

0:29:22 Murph: I got 14.

0:29:25 Brennan: 14; what'd you get?

0:29:26 Zac: 18.

0:29:26 Brennan: 18; what'd you get?

0:29:28 Lou: 26.

0:29:29 Ally: You could add your Bardic Inspiration.

0:29:31 Zac: Oh, I can add Bless, right?

0:29:32 Brennan: Bless, yeah, you can add Bless.

0:29:33 Murph: I feel like I don't wanna use it—

0:29:34 Zac: I got 20.

0:29:34 Murph: I'd rather get knocked down. I get 14.

0:29:37 Brennan: 14. Gorgug, Riz—

0:29:44 Zac: Oh gosh.

0:29:45 Brennan: Bam, bam, Jawbone gets spit out. (mimics spitting) Fabian hangs on.

0:29:50 Lou: Hell yes.

0:29:52 Murph: Good for you, Fabian. That was a bad idea all around. (Zac chuckles) Happy to have fallen off.

0:29:58 Brennan: You guys each take, 2d6 plus 8, you guys take 12 damage each, halved for you (Gorgug) to 6. Kristen, you also take that same amount of damage. You go prone, Sklonda is fine--

0:30:14 Lou: Hell yeah, Sklonda.

0:30:19 Brennan: And that's going to be Ragh's turn. (mimics wind whooshing) Ragh runs and goes,

0:30:28 Ragh: I don't know what the fuck is happening! Everything looks different from before I've dropped, but circling back, I am gay, I am proud of it now-

0:30:39 Gorgug: That was so long ago.

0:30:42 Adaine: Stab him in the dick, dude!

0:30:45 Brennan: (laughs) He does swing and connects directly with a slit in the crotch of— (players groan)

0:30:54 Brennan: Bam! Kalvaxus goes,

0:30:55 Kalvaxus: (groans) You found it! (players chuckle)

0:30:59 Emily: Can I quickly turn into Dayne and be like,

0:31:01 Fig: [disguised as Dayne] That was awesome, dude.

0:31:04 Brennan: You see Ragh goes,

0:31:05 Ragh: What the fuck?

0:31:06 Brennan: And sees Dayne's dead body and says,

0:31:07 Ragh: That's not nice.

0:31:07 Fig: (laughs) Okay, sorry, I was trying to make you feel good.

0:31:11 Emily: I turn back.

0:31:12 Brennan: That is going to now be Riz, that's your turn.

0:31:16 Murph: Dope. Okay. I get up. (chuckles)

0:31:18 Brennan: Half your movement.

0:31:21 Murph: Great, great, this is good. I think I'm over there, yeah. Cool. So, I am going to… I'm gonna first shoot at him.

0:31:33 Brennan: Cool.

0:31:37 Murph: I don't know what dice to use, because I'm doing a bad job with all of them. (die rattles) Awesome. (die rattles) That's a lot. Uh, 18 plus 27 to hit.

0:31:48 Brennan: That's a hit. (Murph chuckles)

0:31:51 Ally: Hell yeah.

0:31:51 Murph: Cool. Doot-doo-doo. (mumbling) 4d6 and then my weapon damage?  Ooh, that's not great. 1, 2, 4, 9, 14, 20, plus Fury of the Small for another 8.

0:32:15 Ally: 28.

0:32:15 Murph: 28.

0:32:17 Brennan: You raise your gun up, one of your father's bullets, (mimics gunshot) tears one of Kalvaxus's eyes out of his head.

0:32:23 Riz: Hell yeah, dude.

0:32:26 Kalvaxus: (snarls) What trickery is this?

0:32:29 Brennan: You see Arthur Aguefort says,

0:32:30 Aguefort: The trickery of a wizard's watch. (gurgles)

0:32:33 Brennan: Wham, wham, wham! (head slams down) (players chuckle)

0:32:35 Aguefort: Mr. Gibbons, I'm sorry I had to kill you!

0:32:39 Murph: And then I'm gonna take a bonus act-- ooh, maybe I don't use that. I guess I'll just try to hide; he's gonna fucking see me, I'm sure, but I'll hide.

0:32:51 Brennan: Cool. That's going to be Jawbone, who takes a full run, gets to about here. (snarls) That's going to be Sklonda. You see that Sklonda starts firing shots around Kalvaxus's head to distract him. You see she looks down at you and goes,

0:33:17 Sklonda: Covering fire, kiddo!

0:33:19 Brennan: (mimics rapid gunshots) You have advantage on attack rolls.

0:33:22 Murph: Dope.

0:33:22 Ally: Sick.

0:33:25 Brennan: Fabian, that's you.

0:33:25 Lou: I'd like to Action Surge and attack him four times. (group laughs)

0:33:30 Murph: Hell yeah, dude!

0:33:31 Lou: And then, can I also do something elaborate, or showy, kind of jumping—

0:33:37 Brennan: Please make an Athletics check for me.

0:33:38 Lou: Great.

0:33:39 Murph: Is it Acrobatics or Athletics?

0:33:41 Ally: 19! Sick, hell yeah.

0:33:42 Lou: 19, plus 8— yeah.

0:33:43 Brennan: You wanna roll to see if you crit?

0:33:45 Lou: Let's see if I crit.

0:33:45 Zac: That is a crit, right?

0:33:47 Lou: No, only for attacks.

0:33:48 Emily: Hey, wasn't that a 1? Did you just roll 1?

0:33:49 Siobhan: It was a 7.

0:33:51 Emily: Ah, okay, 'cause isn't that a crit?

0:33:52 Ally: Oh, yeah.

0:33:54 Brennan: What do you do?

0:33:55 Lou: Oh, I think it's a lot of running off of the wings, falling, backstabbing, then coming back, just doing cool spins.

0:34:03 Brennan: Please make four attack rolls. Go ahead and roll 4d20 at the same time.

0:34:06 Lou: Oh, wow.

0:34:09 Brennan: And I'll just tell you right now, his AC is 19.

0:34:10 Lou: Great.

0:34:12 Emily: Remember, you're Blessed.

0:34:14 Lou: Oh, I'm Blessed.

0:34:16 Brennan: And add a Bless to all of them, just roll that one.

0:34:18 Murph: Oh, hell yeah, dude, 4!

0:34:19 Lou: So, we'll add the 4, so that's 9 plus 8, 17; that doesn't work.

0:34:26 Ally: Oh, you add the Bless to all of them.

0:34:27 Brennan: No, you add 4 to all of them.

0:34:28 Lou: Oh, the same 4, so, 4. So, 14 plus 8, that's enough.

0:34:34 Brennan: That's gonna do it.

0:34:37 Lou: That's enough. And 17 plus, that is also, so 3.

0:34:41 Ally: Hell yeah.

0:34:44 Brennan: Yeah, do your damage, man.

0:34:45 Lou: Great. (rolling multiple times) 11, 13, 11 again. So—

0:34:55 Brennan: (pirate music) Fabian fucking, pow, pow, pow, pow! He bats you with a wing, you run off the wing, bicycle-kick, stab him in the fucking head, grab off of his fangs, whip around to fucking kick him in the other good eye. Literally, to descend to the ground, you just slice your saber in there, and (mimics sword whooshing) slide down him, slitting open his scaly chest, there's a huge seam in it--

0:35:22 Lou: And of course, I'd like to land on the Hangman.

0:35:25 Brennan: And of course, you fucking do. And the Hangman (mimics tires screeching) peels away. That is going to be, ba-ba-bum—

0:35:35 Murph: Maybe not be right next to me.

0:35:36 Brennan: Oh yeah, where do you wanna go?

0:35:37 Lou: Yeah, I, um—

0:35:40 Brennan: Over here?

0:35:40 Murph: We should be spread out wherever we're going.

0:35:43 Lou: Yeah, that feels right.

0:35:43 Brennan: Cool. That's gonna be Adaine.

0:35:50 Siobhan: Hm, interesting. Well--

0:35:55 Zac: Did you re-roll your daily?

0:35:55 Siobhan: Yeah, I got a 9 and an 8, which is not super useful.

0:36:01 Ally: You could give those to their rolls.

0:36:09 Emily: He's got disadvantage on saving throws against damage spells.

0:36:11 Siobhan: Yeah, I am going to just cast Lightning Bolt on him.

0:36:15 Brennan: Hell yeah; roll damage.

0:36:20 Siobhan: Don't I have to roll to—? No, it’s just rolling damage, right.

0:36:22 Brennan: No, he has a saving throw. He's gonna use one of his legendary resistances, though, to take half damage.

0:36:26 Siobhan: Oh, okay.

0:36:30 Brennan: Also, because it's within 24 hours, none of you have to roll for dragon fright.

0:36:33 Siobhan: Great.

0:36:33 Murph: Dope.

0:36:35 Ally: Hell yeah.

0:36:36 Siobhan: 10, and 9, 19. So, 9 damage.

0:36:43 Brennan: 9 damage? (mimics electricity fizzing) Lightning Bolt fires off across his face. He's looking messed up, gang. That is going to be Kristen.

0:36:54 Ally: Alright. Can I use my movement to jump into his mouth and get as far down his throat as I can?

0:36:58 Murph: (pained laughter) Kristen.

0:36:58 Emily: Kristen!

0:36:59 Brennan: Yes, you can.

0:36:59 Ally: Alright, cool. I do that, I disappear; I have lubed myself up, I'm sliding down his throat, and I cast Spirit Guardians. So, every time it becomes his turn in between each of our turns, he has to roll.

0:37:12 Brennan: Go ahead and make an Athletics check for me.

0:37:14 Ally: Cool. Hell yeah. 16? (Brennan chuckles)

0:37:21 Brennan: Is it the philosopher still or is it something new now?

0:37:24 Emily: Is it just the word Yes!?

0:37:25 Siobhan: Yes! Yes! Yes!

0:37:27 Ally: It's the big Buzzfeed LOL Yes! (Murph cackles)

0:37:30 Brennan: You see just a bunch of yes, yes, yes! Kristen leaps, Kalvaxus goes,

0:37:35 Kalvaxus: Why? How did you? (yells)

0:37:40 Brennan: And you scramble down his throat. You see the giant burning interior of his fiery center, and you see, Yes! Spirit Guardians: “Wow, yes, cool! Right on! Rad! That's it!”

0:37:52 Ally: (laughs) Oh no! The other ones were so much better!

0:37:54 Emily: He has disadvantage on his saving throws.

0:37:57 Ally: Could there be a couple remaining philosophers in there?

0:38:00 Brennan: Sure.

0:38:00 Ally: They're annoyed and we bond over that.

0:38:04 Brennan: You see that a bunch of the philosophers appear in a little bwoop that says, “15 Best Philosophy Quotes You've Never Heard About.”

0:38:09 Ally: No! (players laugh)

0:38:09 Ally: No!

0:38:12 Brennan: This is the god you made. (players laugh)

0:38:15 Ally: I was under pressure, okay? Oh no, I made an Internet god.

0:38:20 Brennan: You see that will happen on his turn. Aguefort lifts up in the air with telekinesis, flies across the room, and smashes himself into here and falls to the ground. Bam! Goldenhoard--

0:38:37 Ally: Hell yeah.

0:38:41 Brennan: Ooh, is going to hit...

0:38:43 Murph: (concerned) Oh, Ragh.

0:38:46 Brennan: No, he's going to--

0:38:48 Murph: Jawbone.

0:38:48 Brennan: 11. He deals 26 damage to Adaine with his tail.

0:38:55 Murph: Oh shit.

0:38:58 Siobhan: It doesn't make any difference with Shield?

0:39:00 Brennan: Not particularly, no.

0:39:00 Siobhan: Okay great. Thank goodness.

0:39:02 Ally: Does he roll from my guardians on top of his turn?

0:39:05 Brennan: On the top of his turn, he does, yes. He makes the saving throw, so you can tell me and he'll take half damage.

0:39:12 Ally: I rolled it as a fourth-level, just so you know.

0:39:13 Brennan: Hell yeah.

0:39:19 Ally: 8, 8, 6, 1. It’s uh, 17, plus 6, is 23, so he takes 11.

0:39:25 Brennan: He takes 11, cool. You see he is going to, bum bum bum, where did that go here? (retrieving the breath weapon triangle) Yeah. I'm gonna need Fig and Riz to roll Dexterity saving throws.

0:39:41 Siobhan: Can I attempt to cast a Counterspell on that spell?

0:39:44 Brennan: It is not a spell, it is his breath weapon.

0:39:46 Siobhan: Great.

0:39:47 Brennan: Not, not magic. And that's, yep.

0:39:51 Emily: Oh, I have disadvantage, I think.

0:39:53 Brennan: Yep, you do.

0:39:56 Emily: Oh, I got a nat 20! But I can't use it, but I still got a 19.

0:39:59 Ally: Hell yeah.

0:40:02 Lou: A 19 and a nat 20?

0:40:04 Emily: Well, I mean I got a 17, or I got a 15 plus four.

0:40:07 Ally: What does he have disadvantage on?

0:40:09 Lou: Frost.

0:40:10 Ally: What does he have disadvantage on from your thing?

0:40:11 Siobhan: (yawning) Spells.

0:40:12 Fig: It's 'cause I do a barbarian thing--

0:40:14 Murph: You have a 9 or a 10 right now?

0:40:15 Siobhan: Yeah. What do you need?

0:40:15 Murph: I am so worried that I'm gonna roll so bad.

0:40:19 Siobhan: No you are not, you are gonna roll so good.

0:40:23 Murph: If I had a 10, I would have an 18 plus Bless plus Bardic Inspiration, and I would almost definitely pass, and I might rather take that.

0:40:31 Siobhan: I have an 8 and a 9.

0:40:33 Murph: Oh, okay. Alright, whatever. I guess I'll--

0:40:36 Ally: You could take the 9.

0:40:36 Siobhan: I mean, 9 might, if you have Bless.

0:40:39 Emily: Oh, I forgot to add Bless.

0:40:42 Murph: Bless and Bardic Inspiration.

0:40:42 Emily: So, technically, I have 23.

0:40:46 Brennan: Your call, guys, what you wanna do?

0:40:48 Ally: You’ve been rolling like shit.

0:40:48 Siobhan: You want the 9?

0:40:49 Murph: Could you give me a 9?

0:40:49 Siobhan: It's yours, man.

0:40:51 Murph: Cool, I'll take the 9.

0:40:51 Brennan: Go ahead and roll Bless.

0:40:53 Murph: 2.

0:40:55 Brennan: You saved.

0:40:57 Murph: Oh great. Thank God. (Brennan blows air) (Murph sighs)

0:41:00 Brennan: Oh, Jesus.

0:41:00 Emily: Is this fire?

0:41:03 Brennan: This is fire, so it's gonna be even halved, 12, 18, 28, 36, 46, 56, you take 33 points of fire damage.

0:41:20 Emily: But then, do I halve--

0:41:20 Brennan: No, that's halved.

0:41:22 Emily: But don't I quarter it, because I'm--

0:41:24 Brennan: You failed your save.

0:41:25 Emily: No, I got 23.

0:41:25 Murph: She's resistant.

0:41:26 Brennan: Oh, 23? I didn't hear you say, sorry. Yes; wait. Even with disadvantage?

0:41:29 Emily: Yeah. I got a 15 and then a 20, plus my Bless.

0:41:34 Brennan: Damn, quarter it! So you take 15. That's his turn. Gorthalax casts another spell on him, he uses his last legendary to resist. At the end of Gorthalax's turn, he whips his tail out (dice rattle) and grabs Sklonda by the tail.

0:41:46 Murph: No!

0:41:59 Emily: No, Sklonda!

0:41:59 Brennan: Takes her to his mouth, and goes,

0:42:02 Kalvaxus: Ah, a familiar taste. This trickery will not be enough (snarls) to save you.

0:42:11 Brennan: That's going to be Fig.

0:42:11 Ally: With that, does he encounter my Spirit Guardians again on that turn?

0:42:18 Brennan: He did already, that was his turn. That already happened. That's gonna be Fig.

0:42:24 Emily: Okay. I'm gonna try and cast Polymorph on him. (Murph laughs)

0:42:27 Brennan: Okay. Cool. This might fuck up Kristen. If you turn him into a fucking rabbit and Kristen's in his stomach.

0:42:34 Emily: Fuck it, you're right.

0:42:36 Murph: You could turn Sklonda into a rabbit, and she might fall through her hands, although a rabbit--

0:42:39 Brennan: Make the call, what do you want to do?

0:42:42 Emily: Okay, I'm not gonna do that, then. I'm gonna… I guess I'll try and cast Fear on him.

0:42:50 Brennan: Cool.

0:42:51 Emily: He's gotta do a Wisdom saving throw or drop whatever it is holding and become frightened. So I. (sighs)--

0:42:58 Brennan: You see that he--

0:42:58 Emily: Start playing my guitar. (Brennan mimics electric guitar warbling)--

0:43:02 Emily: I wanna know his deepest fears. (laughs)

0:43:03 Brennan: He looks at you, the thing springing from your guitar is a Vice Principal Goldenhoard in a suit pulling his pocket out of his pants and a little moth flying out. (Emily laughs)

0:43:18 Kalvaxus: (growls) Not enough to fool me.

0:43:20 Brennan: Gorgug, that's you, baby.

0:43:20 Emily: Oh, wait, let me at least use a bonus action. I'm gonna use a bonus action to give you (Riz) some more Bardic Inspiration. (ding)

0:43:27 Murph: Dope, thank you. I've been afraid to use it, it probably was for the best.

0:43:31 Zac: I'm going to jump at where Sklonda is and try to hit him in the hand to make him drop her.

0:43:38 Brennan: Awesome. Do an opposed Athletics check.

0:43:39 Zac: Okay. With Bless--

0:43:42 Brennan: You'd have to beat a 16.

0:43:46 Zac: I did on the first one; I wanna see if I… (die rattles) Yeah. That was a 22.

0:43:53 Brennan: He goes to devour Sklonda. (snarls) Gorgug leaps up, clang! (mimics thud) You grab Sklonda in your arms and leap to the balcony with Sklonda.

0:44:07 Riz: Thanks, dude!

0:44:09 Gorgug: Your mom's great!

0:44:09 Riz: You fucking rule, man!

0:44:12 Brennan: She goes,

0:44:12 Sklonda: (panting) Thanks, kiddo. (gunshots blast)

0:44:16 Emily: Does Gorthalax notice that? Is he relieved to see Sklonda okay?

0:44:19 Brennan: He is very relieved. (Murph laughs)

0:44:25 Brennan: Goldenhoard goes ahead and deals 15 points of damage to Fabian.

0:44:33 Ally: Does he roll for Spirit Guardians before?

0:44:34 Brennan: No, it's not on his turn, he's taking Legendary actions.

0:44:35 Ally: Oh, dang.

0:44:38 Brennan: Ragh takes a couple swings.

0:44:38 Murph: Yeah, Ragh.

0:44:44 Brennan: Ragh misses. (grunts heavily)

0:44:49 Zac: I'm just gonna turn Ragh around. (Zac rotates Ragh’s mini to face Kalvaxus) It's sad to me that he's just like, "Where's the dragon?"

0:44:59 Brennan: Goldenhoard hits you, Riz, for 18 points of damage.

0:45:07 Murph: Uncanny Dodge, I'll take 9.

0:45:12 Brennan: He stands over you.

0:45:15 Kalvaxus: (breathes heavily) It's gonna take more than a Ball to kill me, boy.

0:45:21 Brennan: Riz, that's gonna be your turn.

0:45:24 Murph: Dope. So he's right over me?

0:45:24 Brennan: Right over you.

0:45:26 Murph: Cool. I would like to use the Sword of Shadows to shoot straight up into the air over his head, teleport.

0:45:35 Brennan: He lunges, you (mimics wind whooshing) vanish. Your mom provides covering fire; go ahead and roll with advantage.

0:45:44 Murph: Oh boy. Alright. (dice rattling) That is a 24 before Bless.

0:45:58 Brennan: That hits.

0:45:59 Murph: Dope.

0:45:59 Ally: Hell yeah.

0:46:00 Brennan: And you have, yeah, you rolled with advantage, yep.

0:46:04 Murph: Yep, okay. So that's... (exhales heavily) (dice rattling) (tension-building music)

0:46:17 Murph: 11. 13. 17. 18. 24.

0:46:31 Brennan: Fabian. (sword whooshing) Teen Wolf's on the Hangman. (motorcycle engine rumbles) Fig shreds on the guitar. (chords) Adaine, lightning crackling from her hand; Gorgug grabs Sklonda at the last minute, (grunts) leaping to the balcony overhead. Kristen, deep in the bowels of this thing, being, frankly, burned to death—

0:46:51 Ally: Great.

0:46:57 Brennan: Kalvaxus lunges at you. (snarls)

0:47:00 Kalvaxus: Nothing more than a, (blows air) Ball?

0:47:09 Brennan: You feel the wind (wind whooshing) as you fall from the top of the gymnasium, Sword of Shadows in your hand, Dad's gun at your side. A year ago, your babysitter went missing. This is the person who took her, and this is the person that killed your father. (whistles) Sword sinks deep into the skull of Kalvaxus. Shadow bursts from his eyes as his body is rent asunder. The light from the fire erupting from his mouth illuminates Riz, casting his giant shadow across the entire gymnasium, as shadows (flames whooshing) flicker out and burst from all around. (flames whooshing) Kristen is vomited out in a roiling thing of fire. (Murph laughs)

0:48:05 Ally: Yeah, I was gonna say,

0:48:08 Kristen: Someone cut me out!

0:48:09 Brennan: Gorthalax catches you, wham! In his hand.

0:48:13 Gorthalax: You alright, kiddo?

0:48:16 Kalvaxus: (yells) I had a whole plan! I did everything right! And the prophecy! (sword sinks in)

0:48:24 Murph: I would like to eat a bit of his flesh and I look at him in his one good eye, and I say,

0:48:28 Riz: I don't know how long it's gonna take me, but I'm gonna eat you, bitch! (players laugh)

0:48:35 Brennan: You see your mom leaps from the thing and she says,

0:48:37 Sklonda: Kiddo, we're not gonna need to go shopping tonight. Riz and Sklonda both begin to bloodthirstily eat the dragon, snarling.

0:48:43 Riz: Yeah! Let's eat him!

0:48:43 Fig: Yeah!

0:48:45 Kristen: Eat our enemies? What have we become? (victorious orchestral music)

0:48:49 Brennan: You and your mom devour the front of Kalvaxus's head. Kalvaxus, Emperor of the Red Waste, AKA Vice Principal fucking Goldenhoard, is no more. (Kalvaxus’ body crashes to the ground)

0:49:02 Fig: Fuck you, man! You sucked!

0:49:03 Adaine: He was a pervert. And he had a weird beating stick.

0:49:09 Gorgug: Oh my God.

0:49:12 Brennan: You walk over. You see that--

0:49:17 Zac: Can you roll to see if the police are...? (Murph laughs)

0:49:18 Brennan: Actually, hold on, wait a minute.

0:49:22 Murph: I got Bardic Inspiration!

0:49:23 Brennan: Yeah, go ahead and make the roll with Bardic Inspiration, please.

0:49:25 Murph: Oh my God, and Bless.

0:49:25 Brennan: And it's a 12 at this point. (players giggle)

0:49:28 Murph: If I fail this, I'm gonna just go home.

0:49:29 Emily: I really hope you don't.

0:49:31 Murph: I'm not invited--

0:49:32 Emily: I want you to fail this.

0:49:34 Murph: (laughs) I'm not invited.

0:49:36 Brennan: Go for it.

0:49:37 Murph: (jaw dropped) I failed.

0:49:37 Lou: You piece of shit.

0:49:39 Murph: No no no no no! I get, wait, 12.

0:49:41 Brennan: 12!

0:49:41 Murph: I needed 12 exactly! (players laugh)

0:49:43 Murph: Oh my God!

0:49:43 Ally: Wait. No, this is 10!

0:49:44 Lou: Wait, dawg, this is 10.

0:49:45 Murph: (distressed) 6, 10?

0:49:46 Lou: My boy can't count. (Murph laughs)

0:49:48 Lou: You lost.

0:49:50 Murph: I'm not leaving, I don't care.

0:49:52 Brennan: You see that--

0:49:53 Emily: It's better that you failed. We did it without—

0:49:54 Murph: That’s insane.

0:49:55 Ally: We don’t need the cops!

0:49:57 Brennan: You see that Gorthalax is over, casts his hand out. Arthur Aguefort, boom!, stands up. You see that Gorthalax sucks (magic whoosh) Mr. Gibbons' soul into his palm. Arthur Aguefort stands up and goes,

0:50:14 Aguefort: (sighs) Very well. (intense music)

0:50:17 Aguefort: All is right again.

0:50:21 Gorgug: You're just alive?

0:50:21 Fig: Are you alive again?

0:50:22 Riz: What is your deal?

0:50:22 Emily: That's crazy.

0:50:23 Aguefort: What's my deal?

0:50:23 Riz: Yeah, are you alive?

0:50:25 Aguefort: What's my deal? I'm motherfucking Arthur Aguefort! I am 500 years old. I snuck into Heaven, and now, I'm back, motherfuckers!

0:50:36 Brennan: You see (mimics bird screeching) this phoenix appears over him; he says,

0:50:39 Aguefort: That bird is the last phoenix. I fucked that bird! It is my paramour! This motherfucker thought he could poison my tea. Well, you can't fuck with a wizard, can you?

0:50:48 Gorgug: (tentatively) No?

0:50:52 Kristen: No, yeah.

0:50:57 Adaine: (confidently) No, no you can't. Brennan You see he says,

0:50:57 Aguefort: Ms. Abernant, if you would kindly read that prophecy one more time,  and pay attention to the words carefully.

0:51:05 Adaine: “When Kalvaxus once again beholds his glittering treasure and seven maidens once more are chained at the mouth of his lair, when war befalls the realm and a king and queen are crowned anew in Solace, then will the Emperor of the Red Waste be released from bondage. His destruction will know no bounds, the sun shall fall from the Heavens, and the world as we know it shall perish forever.”

0:51:30 Brennan: You guys look out the window and you see that Sol, the sun god, just straight up falls out of the sky and slams into the ground, still unconscious and tied up.

0:51:38 Fig: Wait, so you wanted this prophecy to happen, 'cause you--

0:51:42 Aguefort: You don't have to want the prophecy to happen or not happen, it just happens. His destruction knows no bound. The sun's fall from heaven and the world as we knew it has perished. A new god has been created.

0:51:53 Adaine: So my power is bullshit?

0:51:55 Aguefort: Everything in this world is bullshit, Ms. Abernant, but understanding how is the key.

0:52:04 Riz: So, is the sun just like a Yes! now?

0:52:07 Aguefort: Maybe. It's nighttime right now, you'll find out tomorrow morning.

0:52:09 Kristen: You guys, again, I'm really sorry for how annoying my gods are. They're still yelling OMG in my head.

0:52:15 Brennan: Go ahead and roll that d20 again for me real quick.

0:52:18 Murph: 14. (Emily laughs)

0:52:21 Cops: Nobody move! (players laugh)

0:52:23 Riz: Oh, thank God you're here!

0:52:25 Brennan: A bunch of cops rush in.

0:52:27 Cops: Alright, nobody move.

0:52:27 Siobhan: Jesus.

0:52:28 Riz: Are any of you clerics?

0:52:30 Cop: Huh?

0:52:30 Riz: Are any of you clerics?

0:52:31 Cops: Nah, no way.

0:52:32 Riz: Oh, so you would have been no help anyway.

0:52:33 Brennan: He says,

0:52:33 Cop: Oh, you guys should all be in a prison!

0:52:36 Zac: I go up to that guy and just slap him in the face.

0:52:39 Riz: (laughs) Don't attack an offi—

0:52:40 Brennan: You see he starts crying and runs out.

0:52:42 Gorgug: Run away. Run away.

0:52:43 Lou: I slap the other one. (Emily laughs)

0:52:46 Brennan: (mimics man crying) He runs out.

0:52:46 Emily: I cast Fear on all of them. (players laugh) (Brennan mimics men crying)

0:52:49 Riz: Guys, I worked really hard to get these cops here.

0:52:51 Fabian: Oh, did you, The Ball?

0:52:53 Brennan: You see Arthur Aguefort looks around and says,

0:52:57 Aguefort: I cannot tell you how proud I am of you all. I knew when I shot Mr. Gibbons, and then shot myself in the head, that you would take care of us all.

0:53:07 Brennan: You see he looks over at Sklonda, is going over, she has the blood running down her mouth, and she says,

0:53:11 Sklonda: Way to go, kiddo.

0:53:13 Riz: We did it, Mom.

0:53:13 Sklonda: We did it. (clasps Riz’s hand)

0:53:15 Riz: We got leftovers for a while.

0:53:16 Fabian: Did you just shake your mother's hand?

0:53:17 Riz: Yeah, we shake hands.

0:53:17 Zac: Can I make an Insight check on Dr. Aguefort?

0:53:20 Brennan: Yeah, go for it.

0:53:20 Murph: Like, Predator style.

0:53:21 Zac: I got a 5. (Siobhan laughs)

0:53:23 Brennan: A 5? (sighs) Fuck it, dude, it's worth asking.

0:53:28 Gorgug: Arthur, I'm just gonna ask.

0:53:30 Adaine: (whispering) Professor Aguefort.

0:53:32 Gorgug: Professor Aguefort, are you my dad? (emotional music)

0:53:36 Aguefort: I was about to ask you the very same thing.

0:53:38 Gorgug: What?

0:53:38 Brennan: Moving on.

0:53:39 Gorgug: (wonderingly) Am I his dad?

0:53:40 Brennan: You see he says,

0:53:43 Aguefort: Ms. Applebees, would you be kind enough to Revivify Kalvaxus, bring him back to life?

0:53:49 Kristen: Should I?

0:53:49 Adaine: Why?

0:53:51 Brennan: You hear (mimics bird screech) and a griffin lands outside. Sandra Lynn descends from her griffin and you see seven young women with broken chains and manacles step off the griffin, and all start sharpening weapons and walking to the mouth of the gym.

0:54:08 Murph: Oh, hell yeah.

0:54:08 Emily: Oh, hell yeah, the virgins are gonna kill him!

0:54:11 Brennan: He says,

0:54:11 Aguefort: It just feels right. Obviously, you sleuths cracked the case, and obviously, you had a personal revenge. It would be nice to give these young women a shot.

0:54:22 Riz: You cut him up, we'll eat him.

0:54:24 Kristen: Yeah. Um, okay, yeah, I can Revivify him, and then I can cast Hold Person and then he'll just have to stand there getting killed.

0:54:32 Brennan: You see that Penny rushes over to you and picks you up in a big hug.

0:54:34 Murph: Bear hug.

0:54:37 Penny: You cracked the case, bud!

0:54:37 Riz: We did it!

0:54:38 Penny: You guys did it! I'm Penny Luckstone, nice to meet all of you; I saw you guys in the arcade when that was happening.

0:54:44 Riz: Penny's great, she was my friend before I had friends.

0:54:47 Penny: Aw, shucks, that's great.

0:54:47 Fig: If you saw me attacking people in the arcade, I'm not a bad guy, it was just possession.

0:54:53 Penny: You got it. Can we grab the gym for a hot 20?

0:54:55 Ally: Yeah, of course. We have ice cream, right?

0:54:57 Zac: Can I see Zelda?

0:55:00 Brennan: You see (mimics rumbling) ice cream (plopping) covers the entire gymnasium.

0:55:04 Ally: Sick!

0:55:05 Siobhan: Thank you! Kristen is chowing down on the ice cream.

0:55:06 Lou: Just real quick, before we exit the gym, I'd like to cut off that man's hand.

0:55:13 Brennan: Yes, you cut off Dayne's hand.

0:55:14 Lou: Great, and while no one's watching, I just pocket it.

0:55:18 Riz: You don't have an eye. Take his eye! Take his eye, man!

0:55:20 Lou: The Ball, calm it!

0:55:22 Riz: Do you want me to bite it out for you?

0:55:24 Lou: No, The Ball.

0:55:25 Brennan: See Arthur, he says,

0:55:25 Aguefort: (laughs) Yes, violent, deranged lunatics. Exactly the thing this school was meant to produce. There's only one way to make a difference in this world, and it is to freak the fuck out all the time and just fuck shit right up.

0:55:41 Murph: Chaotic good, bitch.

0:55:45 Brennan: You see he takes you out of there as ice cream falls all over you, from all (mimics ice cream thudding). You guys leave the gymnasium, Arthur stays behind, you see that Kalvaxus,

0:56:02 Kalvaxus: (gasps) I'm back.

0:56:03 Brennan: You see that Katja Cleaver, the half-orc girl, sharpens her ax and goes,

0:56:07 Katja Cleaver: (low voice, cockney) Well, we're gonna be a minute. We'll see you in a little while.

0:56:10 Kalvaxus: Well, I don't understand that; oh dear.

0:56:12 Brennan: The door closes and you just hear a fucking ruckus, (beatdown sounds) as the seven--

0:56:15 Kristen: Hell yeah.

0:56:19 Adaine: Us and them are the only good students. Everybody else fucking sucks.

0:56:21 Kristen: Yeah.

0:56:22 Gorgug: Yeah.

0:56:22 Fig: Except for that one guy who really stuck around.

0:56:24 Adaine: This guy really rules. This guy is so chill.

0:56:27 Brennan: Make another Insight check for me.

0:56:31 Zac: 20, nat 20!

0:56:31 Siobhan: Oh my God!

0:56:33 Brennan: Nat fucking 20. You look over at the orcish band loading up their band equipment. (Murph laughs)

0:56:44 Zac: Do you guys need help?

0:56:44 Brennan: You see one of them says,

0:56:46 Orc: (little raspy) Oh, thanks, man, it got crazy in there. Are they still killing that guy in there?

0:56:50 Gorgug: Again.

0:56:50 Orc: Oh, wow. Hey, yeah, if you wanna give us a hand, sure, thank you. (Murph laughs)

0:56:58 Brennan: You see he looks and says,

0:56:58 Orc: Oh, by the way, I don't know if you know any half-orcs around here that were adopted or anything like that. (tender piano music) Gorgug stares at the orc.

0:57:09 Orc: About 14, 15 years ago, I had a human girlfriend here in town; we got pregnant and we were just young, about 14 years old.

0:57:21 Gorgug: You were fou— Wow.

0:57:21 Orc: We were young. We fucked up.

0:57:25 Brennan: You see he says,

0:57:27 Orc: That'll happen.

0:57:27 Gorgug: That's me, I'm a half-orc. I don't know, I'm adopted. The orc looks very closely at Gorgug.

0:57:35 Gorgug: Are you my dad?

0:57:41 Brennan: He pulls a little thing and he shows a little picture of Digby and Wilma at the Thistlespring tree, and him and a very young girlfriend, teenagers. He says,

0:57:58 Orc: We moved out to the Dune Fort, and, both almost 30, and we thought we'd try to come back and find you.

0:58:09 Gorgug: Well, uh… I'm here.

0:58:13 Brennan: So, he looks to you and says,

0:58:15 Orc: These are your folks, Digby and Wilma?

0:58:16 Gorgug: Yeah.

0:58:16 Brennan: He goes—

0:58:19 Gorgug: Those are my other mom and dad.

0:58:21 Brennan: You see he clasps you in a giant hug, and he goes,

0:58:25 Orc: Was that you shredding on those drums like a maniac?

0:58:30 Gorgug: (chuckles) Yeah, that was me.

0:58:30 Brennan: You see he goes,

0:58:33 Gorbag: Well, holy shit. My name's Gorbag.

0:58:37 Gorgug: No way.

0:58:39 Gorbag: Yeah, Gorbag.

0:58:39 Gorgug: I’m Gorgug! I mean, you know that, right?

0:58:41 Gorbag: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

0:58:43 Gorgug: My name's Gorgug, I coulda led with that.

0:58:45 Brennan: He gives you a big hug, he's like… He gets a little FaceTime on his phone, and you see a woman in her late 20s there, looks over and says,

0:58:53 Roz: Gorbag, what's up?

0:58:55 Brennan: He says,

0:58:55 Gorbag: (genuinely excited) Roz, look at this, look! This is Gorgug!

0:59:00 Brennan: You look at each other and you see he says,

0:59:02 Gorbag: Well, hell, uh, holy shit, I thought maybe you'd know somebody, but it's you!

0:59:13 Gorgug: (stutters) I don't even know what to say, I've been looking for you forever.

0:59:18 Brennan: He says,

0:59:20 Gorbag: I almost didn't ask. Honestly, I--

0:59:23 Gorgug: You gotta ask. I ask everyone if they're my dad. (players chuckle)

0:59:27 Brennan: He's like,

0:59:27 Gorbag: People make fun of me because I've asked probably five or six people today if they were my son.

0:59:33 Gorgug: You just gotta keep asking.

0:59:34 Gorbag: Yeah, you just cast a wide net! I went up, there's one kid, there was a kid--

0:59:37 Gorgug: Are you my dad? Sorry, you're right. (Siobhan laughs)

0:59:39 Gorbag: No, it's okay. There was a kid in the mall I asked, there was a vulture that was sitting on a post. Couldn't hurt to ask.

0:59:47 Gorgug: I saw a vulture and I almost, it flew away, but... (Ally chuckles)

0:59:53 Brennan: He looks at you and says,

0:59:54 Gorbag: Well, I'd love to meet your folks again, it's been a long time.

0:59:58 Gorgug: Let's do it.

0:59:58 Gorbag: Let's do it.

0:59:59 Brennan: You see he puts his arm around you, you guys walk away.

1:00:04 Gorgug: My girlfriend's killing him inside.

1:00:05 Brennan: (laughs) Oh yeah, Zelda rushes out, she gives you a kiss on the cheek, and says,

1:00:10 Zelda: (sighs) This is, um, so stupid but did you get my playlist?

1:00:13 Gorgug: I did. (shows her his headphones) (head-banging heavy-metal music)

1:00:16 Brennan: You see she smiles and says,

1:00:18 Zelda: Alright. I'm about to freak out, so I have to go. (yells war whoop)

1:00:22 Brennan: And she fucking just becomes this dervish of blades, and goes in and just is slaughtering Kalvaxus back in the gym. You see Gorthalax steps out… Zac and Siobhan nod to each other, having some emotions.

1:00:40 Brennan: Do you guys remember which one of you killed Dayne?

1:00:42 Zac: It was all three—

1:00:44 Lou: Yeah, we killed him in a reaction.

1:00:45 Emily: It was a reaction.

1:00:46 Brennan: Yeah, and just a giant bloodbath. You see, Gorthalax... Long after the night's going on, your parents are there, there's cop cars everywhere, Arthur Aguefort walks up, you see that the federal agent shows up. She's like,

1:01:01 Agent Worrel: These kids have got to go.

1:01:03 Brennan: Arthur Aguefort looks at all the federal agents--

1:01:05 Emily: I disguise myself as her. (Murph laughs)

1:01:07 Brennan: Arthur Aguefort says,

1:01:07 Aguefort: Well, I'm confused, because you're saying one thing, but you over here are saying another. Agent Worrel, should I arrest the children or no?

1:01:16 Fig: I think you should arrest Angela.

1:01:18 Brennan: He freezes her in a block of ice. (players laugh)

1:01:21 Aguefort: Huh, wild. Do any other federal agents wanna step to Arthur Aguefort on the grounds of his school? That would be my question. Seems like no.

1:01:30 Fig: Okay, unfreeze her, that was me. I'm sorry.

1:01:33 Brennan: He stops it and you see he goes,

1:01:34 Aguefort: (laughs) We'll handle this the correct way. (mimics wind whooshing)

1:01:37 Brennan: All the federal agents go blank and go,

1:01:42 Agents: (monotone) Everything's good, nothing here's against the law.

1:01:44 Brennan: And they walk away, and he goes,

1:01:47 Aguefort: Ah, adventurers. Do whatever we want with no consequence. The Aguefort way!

1:01:53 Brennan: He smiles. You see that there's a big party, ice cream keeps raining from the sky, (mimics ice cream thudding) and you see that the girls come out after they've just gone to town, Kalvaxus is a bloody fucking mess. You see that Antiope Jones is there, and Sam Nightingale, Katja Cleaver, Danielle Barkstock, Ostentatia Wallace, Zelda, Penny, they're all back.

1:02:21 Zac: What happened with Zayn?

1:02:23 Brennan: You guys never figured that out.

1:02:24 Emily: I think he's undead somewhere.

1:02:26 Brennan: You guys see that Gorthalax walks up and you see that Aguefort says,

1:02:31 Aguefort: Would you like to just make sure?

1:02:32 Brennan: Gorthalax says,

1:02:32 Gorthalax: Well, better to make sure.

1:02:35 Brennan: (mimics flames whooshing) A little window on the ground wreathed in flame shows Hell. You see it's a fiery waste there. Gorthalax and Aguefort step through. Gorthalax looks at you (Fabian) and says,

1:02:50 Gorthalax: You wanna come in for a sec, kid?

1:02:54 Fabian: To Hell?

1:02:54 Gorthalax: To Hell, yeah.

1:02:56 Fabian: Why not.

1:02:56 Brennan: You step through, you see Kalvaxus in Hell. He gets up.

1:03:03 Kalvaxus: (breathes heavily) Oh, oh no. Things really didn't go my way.

1:03:10 Brennan: Gorthalax looks and says,

1:03:11 Gorthalax: Hey, you belong here, and you belonged here a long time ago.

1:03:15 Brennan: He produces a scroll, he looks over at a forest on the horizon, and says,

1:03:20 Gorthalax: Oh, shit. You weren’t supposed to be here, this is wrong.

1:03:24 Brennan: And he scrubs Gorgug's name out of a roster. (Murph chuckles)

1:03:26 Fabian: Ooh.

1:03:29 Gorthalax: That'll happen sometimes. It's a bureaucracy, we make mistakes. Sorry, kiddo!

1:03:32 Brennan: He yells at you.

1:03:32 Gorgug: Oh, good. (players laugh)

1:03:37 Brennan: You see that Kalvaxus stands up and says,

1:03:39 Kalvaxus: Right, alright, I'm here now. I'm in Hell. I can make choices.

1:03:44 Brennan: You hear a voice from the shadows. (laughs malevolently) (dramatic adventure music) Bill Seacaster leaps through the air, lands on Kalvaxus's back, puts a sword into his spine, (meaty noises) and splits him like a fish down his spine.

1:04:03 Fabian: Oh, Papa!

1:04:03 Brennan: Bill Seacaster says,

1:04:05 Bill: I watched the whole thing, lad, the legend lives on!

1:04:07 Lou: Big hug.

1:04:10 Brennan: He clasps you. You see he goes,

1:04:11 Bill: Alright, lads, get to work.

1:04:15 Brennan: Zombified flaming pirates, all of Bill's crew that have died, comes rushing out of the fire, and pries Kalvaxus apart from his back. He goes,

1:04:26 Kalvaxus: No, no, no, I'm still alive somehow, please don't do this!

1:04:29 Brennan: You see he says,

1:04:29 Bill: Alright, lads, get it started! Main mast in the middle, deck on top; you know how to do it.

1:04:35 Fabian: Papa, are you turning this man into a ship?

1:04:38 Bill: He dared to hurt my darling boy.

1:04:42 Fabian: (touched) Papa!

1:04:42 Bill: And besides, I do need a vessel to scour the Nine Hells, to pillage and raid, from the realms of these devil princes and to finally take the throne of the Ninth Pit for meself.

1:04:57 Fabian: Oh, Papa! Well, you let me know when you've done that, I have to come visit.

1:05:01 Bill: Oh, we'll put out a spread for ya, it will be delightful.

1:05:02 Fabian: Oh, I can't wait.

1:05:04 Bill: I doubt Cathilda will end up here, but if she does, I will make sure she gets the kippers.

1:05:08 Fabian: Kippers, yeah, okay, perfect.

1:05:10 Brennan: You see he says,

1:05:10 Bill: (emotional) My boy, I love ya more than the sun and the moon.

1:05:14 Brennan: He goes,

1:05:14 Bill: And you're in good hands now. It looks like, y’know. I taught ya everything I can. It's about time you started learning from your mother, anyway.

1:05:24 Fabian: What?

1:05:25 Bill: Well, your mother is the greatest fencer that's ever lived.

1:05:27 Fabian: (laughs) Papa, you kid.

1:05:31 Bill: Why the hell you think I married her? You think I would just marry someone for their looks? You can bed someone for their looks. Your mother cut my eye out of my head and I dropped to one knee on the spot.

1:05:43 Fabian: Well, Papa, then, this has been fun, but I must go.

1:05:47 Bill: My boy, you have a whole life to lead and a legend to write. (smooches kiss) I love ya.

1:05:51 Fabian: Yeah, I love you.

1:05:53 Bill: (yelling) Spread that dragon's wings wide! (adventurous music restarts)

1:05:56 Brennan: You see they've just built a fucking ship. Kalvaxus is like,

1:05:58 Kalvaxus: This seems highly irregular. (gurgles)

1:06:01 Brennan: And they bind his mouth, stretch it open. He's like,

1:06:03 Bill: Pull on that tendon.

1:06:05 Brennan: (flames whooshing) Fire shoots out of the mouth. He says,

1:06:07 Bill: Set sail for the Nine Hells, to kill the Devil! Bye, Fabian!

1:06:12 Fabian: Bye, Papa.

1:06:14 Brennan: The ship takes off into the skies of Hell, flapping its wings, and this hellish crew of pirates flies away.

1:06:22 Fabian: That's my father.

1:06:22 Gorthalax: That's a lot to live up to, but. (nods)

1:06:25 Fabian: I'll do it, easily. Very easily. (Brennan laughs)

1:06:29 Bill: That's my boy!

1:06:31 Brennan: You guys walk back through the burning portal, and we're gonna run a little epilogue now.

1:06:38 Emily: Wait, I need to ask Aguefort something.

1:06:42 Brennan: Yeah, go up.

1:06:43 Fig: Aguefort, everyone's gone through huge transformations and had these wonderful things. Riz avenged his dad, Kristen Applebees created her own god, Fabian made peace with his dad, all these wonderful things. I have the climax of my story that I need.

1:07:07 Aguefort: Young girl, absolutely.

1:07:08 Fig: (laughing) Will you make Gilear the vice principal? (Murph cackles)

1:07:14 Aguefort: Young lady, I have no idea who that is, and I'm telling you right now, yes. I will make whoever that person is the vice principal.

1:07:30 Fig: He's currently the Lunch Lad, you'll meet him soon enough.

1:07:30 Aguefort: The Lunch Lad? How festive! He shall be my vice principal, until the ending of the world.

1:07:41 Fig: Thank you so much.

1:07:43 Siobhan: Can I cast Locate Person on Zayn Darkshadow? (magic whoosh) I feel really bad that we never found him.

1:07:49 Brennan: Yeah! You guys head over to Cravencroft Cemetery after the celebration, your parents are all there. You see the little gray thing, Edgar, pops out of your thing, rushes over to a grave. (squeaking) You see on a hilltop, in the night, suddenly (gasps) a flash, and you see a velocipede, a penny-farthing bicycle, huge bicycle.

1:08:10 Zac: Oh, exhausting. (laughs)

1:08:10 Brennan: You suddenly hear (mimics wheels creaking) and it crashes, and you hear,

1:08:15 Sylvester: (groans) Oh no. Ah, not again. My anus this time.

1:08:23 Brennan: You see Sylvester the undertaker has crashed on his bike.

1:08:25 Fabian: Why have we come here? (Ally giggles)

1:08:28 Brennan: You see Edgar runs off to the grave, you see the little gray pearl in your hand, and you hear sobbing, and you see a ghostly Zayn Darkshadow at his grave, translucent, weeping. (man sobbing)

1:08:41 Adaine: Zayn.

1:08:41 Riz: Hey, Zayn.

1:08:44 Zayn: I'm so happy.

1:08:46 Riz: Oh, that makes sense.

1:08:46 Kristen: No, wait, why, how are you happy?

1:08:49 Riz: You're a ghost, man, you're the ultimate god.

1:08:51 Brennan: Zayn stands up, you see that he takes his ghostly little patch off and he takes his little fishnets off, 'cause he doesn't need them anymore, he's a fucking ghost, and you see there's actually a quite beautiful, reedy, elven wizard here. You see he wipes his eyes and he goes,

1:09:12 Zayn: I'm so sorry about the book. Coach was paying for my apartment and my parents suck, I didn't have any family.

1:09:18 Kristen: I get that, yeah.

1:09:21 Adaine: Mine too, my parents really suck.

1:09:23 Zayn: They do?

1:09:23 Adaine: Mm-hmm. They just went back to Fallinel, I think, they didn't even tell me.

1:09:28 Zayn: My parents were elven assholes too.

1:09:30 Adaine: What is up with that?

1:09:30 Zayn: I don't know, it's a weird cultural thing I don't get.

1:09:33 Kristen: You guys have so much in common. I'm just gonna walk this way, actually.

1:09:37 Adaine: I don't need a ghost boyfriend. (Murph chuckles)

1:09:38 Fabian: Are you sure?

1:09:39 Kristen: I mean, you were really pushing to come find him and now you did, and I just wanna give you your moment.

1:09:45 Adaine: I just wanted to— are you okay?

1:09:46 Zayn: Yeah, I'm okay. Coach is bad, he was a stooge. But you guys, it sounds like you guys solved everything.

1:09:52 Gorgug: Pretty much.

1:09:52 Brennan: You see he says,

1:09:56 Zayn: I don't mean this in a shitty way, but if you ever did wanna just come, I don't have my spell books here at the cemetery. If you ever wanted to just hang out and do magic together, that'd be awesome.

1:10:09 Adaine: Yeah. Cool, it would be cool to—

1:10:10 Fabian: It sounds like a date to me.

1:10:13 Kristen: I'm gonna go!

1:10:14 Siobhan: I cast Ray of Sickness on Kristen. (players laugh) Kristen throws up.

1:10:19 Brennan: You see Zayn goes like,

1:10:21 Zayn: Whatever, it's whatever, they're just busting your chops. That’s fine.

1:10:24 Kristen: I'm gonna (vomiting) go.

1:10:25 Brennan: He's like,

1:10:26 Zayn: Cool. (waves) I'll see you guys later.

1:10:29 Brennan: You guys leave from Cravencroft.

1:10:31 Murph: I wanna hang my dad's bandolier over his grave.

1:10:35 Brennan: You hang your bandolier over his grave.

1:10:36 Murph: And I tell him that I ate the dragon. Or I will. I have leftovers.

1:10:42 Brennan: You feel so happy in this moment. Couple things that I'm gonna go through in an epilogue real quick: Bill Seacaster's funeral, your mother is there. Peacoat, sweatpants, huge bags under her eyes, cup of coffee in her hand, shaking; she goes,

1:11:00 Hallariel: (sighs) Tomorrow, we're going to start training you how to actually swordfight.

1:11:02 Fabian: Oh, I can't wait.

1:11:07 Hallariel: Thank you for saying what you said. (slurps) God, I haven't been sober in 15 years.

1:11:13 Fabian: It looks good on you, Mama, truly.

1:11:16 Brennan: At Bill Seacaster's funeral, the roof of the church rips off, (mimics debris clattering) and you see a giant tornado full of gold coins. (mimics wind whooshing) (players laugh)

1:11:26 Fabian: Oh, hello!

1:11:27 Tornado: (whooshing)

1:11:29 Fabian: Yes, I have.

1:11:30 Tornado: (whooshing)

1:11:30 Fabian: No, never.

1:11:32 Tornado: (whooshing)

1:11:34 Fabian: (laughs uproariously) Yes!

1:11:37 Brennan: It tears off.

1:11:38 Adaine: I didn't know you spoke tornado.

1:11:39 Fabian: I do. (chuckles)

1:11:40 Brennan: Adaine, you get so many offers from Hudol, you get an offer from the Oracle Academy in Fallinel, and you decline them all. Adaine flips the birds.

1:11:51 Adaine: What if I just went? I don't need to go to the Oracle Academy, I am the Oracle.

1:11:57 Brennan: You're living with Jawbone and Tracker. Kristen, Tracker is helping you spread the gospel of Yes! to people.

1:12:07 Ally: She's helping me spread something. (players chuckle)

1:12:09 Emily: Niceeeee. Haha, eyyy.

1:12:11 Brennan: Gorgug, you end your days sitting on the bleachers, sharing headphones with Zelda.

1:12:14 Ally: Cute.

1:12:17 Brennan: Everyone knows you at school and says,

1:12:17 Everyone: Hey, Gorgug, what's up, man?

1:12:19 Gorgug: Not much. (players laugh)

1:12:24 Brennan: Fabian, you are the absolute king of the school. After Dayne's death, you're the undisputed captain of the Owlbears.

1:12:29 Lou: Oh, it's about time.

1:12:32 Brennan: (laughs) Fig, your band, which needs a name, is fucking shredding. There's a great dinner with the Thistlesprings meeting (Gorgug’s) your biological mom and dad. Your mom and dad joined the band, and it's Gorthalax, you two, them; you guys fucking shred.

1:12:48 Emily: Hell yeah.

1:12:52 Brennan: Riz, your mom comes to you, throws you a stack of business cards in Fabian's calligraphy. She says,

1:12:57 Sklonda: They made an exception. Here's your license.

1:13:00 Brennan: Tosses the license to you.

1:13:00 Riz: (slowly) Oh my God.

1:13:04 Brennan: Arthur Aguefort comes to you guys on the last day of school. Sklonda and Gorthalax end up together. Emily’s jaw drops.

1:13:12 Brennan: Hallariel says, at the funeral,

1:13:14 Hallariel: (sighs) I don't think I'll ever see another man like Bill again.

1:13:19 Brennan: She looks over and you see Gilear says,

1:13:20 Gilear: I've spilled some sauce.

1:13:22 Fabian: No, Mama, no. Mama.

1:13:25 Fig: Yes! (clapping)

1:13:25 Fabian: Mama, no.

1:13:25 Fig: Yes!

1:13:25 Brennan: He looks over and says,

1:13:27 Gilear: I am Vice Principal of the Aguefort—

1:13:30 Hallariel: Vice Principal?

1:13:31 Fabian: Mama?

1:13:31 Lou: Can I pull my mother aside real quick?

1:13:33 Fabian: Mama, I will kill this man. I will happily kill this man before you—

1:13:35 Hallariel: I'll kill you first, it's not up to you.

1:13:37 Fabian: (pained) Oh, Mama.

1:13:39 Brennan: You see that Sandra Lynn ends up with Jawbone.

1:13:46 Fig: (jaw drops) She always did love a bad boy, I guess.

1:13:49 Brennan: And at the very last day of school, you see that Arthur Aguefort comes up and says,

1:13:53 Aguefort: I couldn't be more proud of you all. Did you remember to lock my office when you left? (dramatic adventure music)

1:14:01 Fabian: I kicked the door down.

1:14:01 Adaine: He did break the door.

1:14:02 Aguefort: Because the Nightmare King's crown is missing. (Fig laughing)

1:14:09 Gorgug: Oh, no.

1:14:11 Aguefort: Are you busy on your summer vacation?

1:14:13 Fabian: Yes.

1:14:13 Aguefort: With what?

1:14:15 Riz: I'm not busy at all.

1:14:16 Fabian: There's a girl who's currently held by the state in Fallinel, and I've business to take care of.

1:14:22 Brennan: And that is all for this final episode of Fantasy High. Thanks for tuning in. (group laughs and cheers) A fanart montage begins to play as the characters are heard via voiceover.

1:14:33 Aguefort: Well, well, well, what an exciting year at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy! We defeated Kalvaxus, a new god was born, and I killed myself. (laughs) All in a year's work. But, what of our intrepid heroes? What exciting new adventures lay on the horizon for them?

1:14:57 Adaine: After turning down truly so many offers from prestigious elven whatevers, I, Adaine, instead study divinatory practices from all of Spyre's many cultures, and gladly stay on at Aguefort, a proud, practical caster. I also live with Jawbone and Tracker.

1:15:13 Kristen: Oh, really, you live with Tracker? Huh, cool. Maybe I can come visit sometime.

1:15:20 Adaine: Until I can emancipate myself in junior year. Oh, and in my capacity as Elven Oracle, I help re-enroll Zayn Darkshadow at Aguefort as its first ghost student.

1:15:30 Fig: I bet he gets to eat ghost steak.

1:15:32 Adaine: Naturally. I also helped free Basrar from his ice-cream curse, and my senior thesis, a new spell entitled Basrar's Spontaneous Confection, is very well-received.

1:15:41 Riz: She also joins the AV club, along with me, and we totally fix it up.

1:15:44 Adaine: Yes, much more inclusive.

1:15:47 Riz: Plus, Shellford's getting help from Jawbone now, which is great.

1:15:49 Adaine: Oh, good for him. I wonder if he and Skrank would help me research my jacket. You know, there's an entire civilization of people in here that's— (detective music)

1:15:56 Riz: As Elmville's youngest licensed investigator, I'm hot on the case of who took the Nightmare King's crown. Probably one of the faculty.

1:16:04 Fig: (coughs) Porter. (coughs)

1:16:06 Riz: Probably not, but I also get to hang out with Penny again, which is rad. She and the other maidens formed their own adventuring party; they're total badasses.

1:16:15 Fabian: Come now, The Ball, they're our rivals.

1:16:17 Kristen: Into it.

1:16:18 Riz: Sure, but it's a very chill sitch, and, you know, people still call me The Ball, which I'm fine with. It's just, y’know, friends having fun with friends, it's not bullying.

1:16:32 Gorgug: I think having a nickname is nice. I wish I had one.

1:16:36 Fabian: Sorry, excuse me, excuse me, is The Ball not your real name? (rock music)

1:16:42 Fig: I'll give you a real name: Fig and the Cig Figs! That's the name of our rockin' bass-led band! We've got shows at the Black Pit, the Dune Fort, and we're headlining the Blood War in Bastion City June 15th. We're really good, too. Gorgug's our drummer and he can shred, man!

1:16:58 Gorgug: I can? Aww, thanks! Wow, I'm a shredder.

1:17:04 Kristen: I spend a lot of time out on missions spreading the gospel of Yes!. I have some doubts about my god, but that's okay! Doubt can be good. And Tracker is helping me figure out this whole prophet-of-a-new-deity thing, and she's so great at… (significant pause) listening. (chuckles) (gulps) Anyway, who says you have to fully believe in order to believe, you know?

1:17:29 Gorgug: As for me, I mostly just hang out. I've gotten all these friends now. I guess that tin flower worked, huh? Zelda is so great, and she and I practice barbarian stuff.

1:17:41 Fig: I do too!

1:17:42 Gorgug: Fig, go to bard class!

1:17:42 Fig: Eh, not interested.

1:17:45 Gorgug: Ragh actually practices with us too. (chuckles) We ended up becoming really good friends.

1:17:50 Kristen: He and Shellford are helping me start up the LGBT student union. We're having a singalong and a scrapbooking party, it's gonna be great.

1:17:57 Gorgug: That's awesome! I talk on the crystal with Roz and Gorbag all the time, which is great, but home is where the tree is, and at the end of the day, it doesn't take a nat 20 to tell you that Wilma's my mom and Digby's my dad. (pirate music)

1:18:10 Fabian: And I, Fabian Aramais Seacaster-- (group groans)

1:18:16 Fig: Here we go.

1:18:16 Fabian: I said, Fabian Aramais Seacaster, mount a daring rescue attempt to free my love, Aelwyn Abernant—

1:18:25 Adaine: My bitch sister? Don't you fucking dare!

1:18:28 Fabian: From captivity! I inherit my father's blood feuds, train with my mother, the greatest swordswoman who ever lived, and Hangman and I start assembling a crew for this expedition. The tornado's a good place to start. Maybe the Cubbies? Maybe the portal, yeah.

1:18:44 Gilear: Children, as your vice principal--

1:18:46 Fig: Gilear!

1:18:46 Gilear: Yes, daughter, it is I. I must once again inform you all that you are indeed late for class. I have neither the power nor the emotional fortitude to make you do as you should, so please, I beg of you, heed this extremely reasonable request.

1:19:10 Fig: You got it, Gilear.

1:19:11 Group: Bye, everybody!

1:19:12 Fabian: Fair winds, and safe travels. (soaring orchestral music)

1:19:12 Captions extracted by: gluegunshots

1:19:12 Edited by: gluegunshots, dndstan, rowan solsys