The Beginning Begins (Ep. 1)

0:00:05 Brennan: Welcome one and all to Dimension 20! Our cast of players will assume the role of heroic adventurers embarking on a dangerous quest. Our story takes place in the world of Spyre. Spyre mostly conforms to your expectations for a world of swords and sorcery with one notable exception, and that's Elmville. Elmville is a little town in a nation called Solace. Solace may be home to elves, orcs, dwarfs, and gnomes, but it resembles more of a 1950s through 1980s America. There are several schools in Elmville, but our story begins at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy, the world's premiere training ground for would-be heroes. Our story begins with six freshmen on their first day of school, and the first bell's just about to ring. Without any further ado, Dimension 20 proudly presents... Fantasy High! [eagle shrieks, lion roars] My name is Brennan Lee Mulligan. I'm the dungeon master for you guys this evening. We're gonna be playing a little bit of a tabletop RPG here with the CollegeHumor cast. Say hi, guys. Players all say hi, first to the camera, then turning to each other and talking over one another, pretending to greet each other.

0:01:17 Brennan: We’ll all go ahead. Let’s just all say– This is Miss Emily Axford.

0:01:18 Emily: Not today, but yeah.

0:01:21 Brennan: Zac Oyama.

0:01:21 Zac: Also not today.

0:01:22 Brennan: Siobhan Thompson.

0:01:23 Siobhan: I will refuse it, take it back.

0:01:24 Brennan: Lou Wilson?

0:01:25 Lou: I'll take it.

0:01:26 Brennan: Ally Beardsley.

0:01:26 Ally: Sure.

0:01:28 Brennan: And Brian Murphy.

0:01:28 Murph: As Riz Gukgak.

0:01:32 Lou: There it is.

0:01:33 Brennan: We're gonna be playing a little role playing game for you guys, thanks for coming and playing with us. This season marks the beginning of our adventure into the world of Fantasy High, where we ask the question that has long gone unasked: What would happen if John Hughes ran a game of a tabletop RPG? And we're gonna find out today. Swords, high school, puberty, magic, it's all coming together. We're going to descend to somebody's home, why don't we have this decided by a roll of the dice? That feels fine to me.

0:02:05 Lou: Oho, yes.

0:02:06 Murph: Sweaty palms.

0:02:07 Brennan: Hell yeah, we're gonna go downtown. [pirate music plays]

0:02:12 Ally: Yep. Zac pretends to play a fiddle.

0:02:18 Brennan: [grandiose] As the clouds part, a flock of gulls flies over the Marigold River heading down to an area of wealth and expansive taste. It's downtown Elmville, and we see that amongst the manors there is a colossal, gilded man o' war, [like a pirate accent] a pirate ship, great and mighty, that has been dry docked and dragged out of the river, all the way up onto land and turned into a mansion. We see vast hedgerows and various bankers and also pirates dragging chests of gold up through hedge mazes and topiary and fountains, and we see, out on a little sort of clay patio: Lou, would you describe yourself for the other players?

0:03:01 Lou: [pretentious voice] Oh, of course, hello, I'm Fabian Aramais Seacaster, I'm a half-elf. I'm, of course, the son of the famous William Seacaster, the great adventurer who sailed the Celestine Sea, freeing slaves and raising up nations. I'm a fencer by trade, I also know how to glass blow and I'm quite good at calligraphy. And I am absolutely thrilled to be here at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy, very excited to kind of start on my adventure of becoming an adventurer much like my father, that I may too, one day, take up the mantle of the Seacaster name and sow my heroism across Spyre.

0:03:49 Brennan: You're out on a lovely day. You wake up early in the morning, you had a great green protein shake made by your halfling maid Cathilda, and you're out on the patio with your fencing instructor, Herzon, practicing.

0:03:59 Lou: Fantastic.

0:04:01 Brennan: There's the sound of swords and sabers ringing off of each other, Fabian, what does your character look like so that we know?

0:04:08 Lou: I'm 6’1”, white hair, a relative--like a thinner, like a very, how would you say...

0:04:16 Brennan: Lean, athletic?

0:04:16 Lou: There you go. Lean muscle, that's what I was looking for.

0:04:19 Emily: [appreciatively] Ooh, hello.

0:04:22 Lou: Very lean muscle, very dextrous, but also incredibly strong.

0:04:26 Emily: Ooh, you thinking soccer player or swimmer?

0:04:28 Murph: So like a swimmer's body?

0:04:28 Lou: Yeah. A real Michael Phelps type.

0:04:32 Emily: Oh okay, shoulders, hello.

0:04:33 Lou: For those of you at home.

0:04:35 Zac: Picture Michael Phelps with a sword.

0:04:39 Ally: And white hair.

0:04:39 Siobhan: Such a tiny sword in comparison to the size of his body.

0:04:43 Brennan: As Herzon and you fence, your mother, Hallariel Seacaster, a high elf with beautiful long flowing hair and sort of, kind of like a fusion kimono, some kind of silk garment-

0:04:52 Emily: Oh my god. I love her.

0:04:55 Brennan: -hanging off one shoulder. As an elf, she's immortal, so she looks about as you just like early 20’s, even though she's about 200 years old. She has just a huge goblet of wine, it's about 9:30 a.m. in the morning.

0:05:06 Lou: Oh, mama.

0:05:06 Brennan: She goes,

0:05:08 Hallariel: [feminine high-elf voice, clearly drunk] Darling, you look wonderful, are you winning the fight, [laughs] 'cause I don't-

0:05:14 Fabian: Oh mama, Herzon is really giving it to me today, but don't worry, I'll best him yet.

0:05:20 Hallariel: Herzon, you let my boy win. Let him win, my sweet boy, sweet boy.

0:05:24 Fabian: Herzon, don't you dare take it easy on me, all right, I need to be strong.

0:05:29 Herzon: [Spanish accent] Of course, I would never take it easy on you. You are a champion, you have the gift of your father.

0:05:34 Fabian: Yes.

0:05:34 Brennan: You hear a voice say,

0:05:36 Bill Seacaster: [deeper, dramatic pirate voice] Did someone mention the man of the house?

0:05:39 Fabian: Oh, Papa!

0:05:39 Brennan: Stomping out of a gold archway is the most piraty fuckin' pirate you ever seen in your life, tri-corner hat, eye patch, saber at his side, a long coat. In this weird 1950s suburb, he sticks out like a fuckin' sore thumb. Your father made his wealth by means that some call heroic and others would call… uh, evil, but those are, anyone's gonna talk about someone who's achieved greatness. He swaggers out onto the patio and says,

0:06:09 Bill: My dear darling boy, there he is! The apple of my eye, my pride and joy!

0:06:16 Fabian: Oh, Papa.

0:06:17 Brennan: He grabs your head and kisses you on both cheeks and goes,

0:06:19 Bill: Now, today is your first day of school, all right. Now, I never had much in the way of book learnin', never was raised in no school of any kind, so, here's what you do on your first day, all right? Now I've asked around. You find the biggest and meanest man there.

0:06:35 Fabian: Yes, Papa.

0:06:36 Bill: Go up to him, and you drive your fist hard and strong right into his stomach and send him to his knees!

0:06:41 Fabian: Yes, Papa! That's what I'll do, just like you would've done if you ever went to school.

0:06:47 Bill: That's right, my sweet boy. Now, I have a little present for you, if you're so inclined.

0:06:52 Fabian: [full of love] Oh, Papa.

0:06:56 Brennan: You see he reaches into a bag and pulls out a red and white Aguefort letter jacket for the bloodrush team, the Aguefort Owlbears.

0:07:04 Fabian: [screams in delight] Ah, Papa!

0:07:08 Brennan: He hands it to you and says,

0:07:09 Bill: [loud, excited] Oh my boy, my sweet boy! [at normal volume] Now, technically, you're not on the team yet. They're going to have some informal tryouts today, mainly for people that are comin' back and have played earlier this season. [speaking confidentially] Now, you're a freshman, but I've had a little bit of a conversation with Coach Daybreak, who is the coach of the Owlbears over there, and I understand he'll be accommodating you in terms of a tryout today.

0:07:39 Fabian: Oh, fantastic, Papa. Thank you so much, I mean, the tryout’s just a simple formality, I mean, we both know that I have the skills to be a champion.

0:07:49 Bill: Of course, are you--of course! You're my son, you're a direct reflection of me.

0:07:54 Fabian: Yes!

0:07:54 Bill: You and your glory is the same as my glory.

0:07:56 Fabian: [emphatically] Yes it is!

0:07:58 Bill: That's how we relate to each other.

0:08:01 Fabian: Exactly, Papa!

0:08:03 Bill: That's our goal--

0:08:03 Fabian: Yes!

0:08:03 Bill: Now, in addition to your skill and your talent and your raw power as a master of combat, I've also paid a handsome sum of money to Coach Daybreak, a bribe.

0:08:09 Fabian: [slightly disappointed] Ah.

0:08:14 Bill: A bribe.

0:08:14 Fabian: Well, of course.

0:08:17 Bill: An illegal bribe.

0:08:17 Fabian: I would do the exact same-

0:08:19 Bill: Of course.

0:08:19 Fabian: I would have done it if you hadn't.

0:08:21 Bill: What do we say is the relationship between luck and talent?

0:08:26 Fabian: 500 gold pieces.

0:08:30 Bill: [laughs] Ah, my sweet boy! [intensely] I love you.

0:08:33 Fabian: I love you.

0:08:33 Bill: I love you.

0:08:34 Fabian: I love you.

0:08:34 Brennan: You see, he grabs your head and kisses you on the forehead and he looks over. You see that your mom is just, literally, winking at Herzon and waving over at him--

0:08:38 Emily: Oh my god, I love her!

0:08:42 Brennan: -and you see he goes,

0:08:45 Bill: My darling wife! I'll be dead in the grave and she'll still be alive.

0:08:51 Fabian: [quietly] I know that, Papa.

0:08:51 Bill: You know I'll die before you, long before.

0:08:53 Fabian: Yeah.

0:08:55 Bill: The elven blood in you.

0:08:55 Fabian: You tell me every day.

0:08:58 Bill: Time ticks away, grain of sand by grain of sand.

0:09:02 Fabian: Yes, Papa. Yes, of course, of course it does.

0:09:05 Bill: We cannot live forever. So what must we do to live forever? Write our name on the face of the world with our heroic deeds.

0:09:12 Fabian: [even more quietly] Yes, yes, of course, Papa. Write my name on the face of the world with heroic deeds, yeah, I will.

0:09:17 Bill: Good, that's all, that's all it is.

0:09:20 Fabian: Okay, great, thank you.

0:09:22 Bill: [normal volume] Now get yourself to school.

0:09:22 Fabian: Okay, thanks, Papa.

0:09:26 Brennan: We are going to cut now to another one of our brave adventurers. Oh boy, oh boy! We're gonna cut over now to the neighborhood of Elm Valley. [inspiring gospel music plays] Players laugh and dance as Brennan and Ally raise and wave their arms as if at a worship service.

0:09:49 Brennan: [full of conviction, as if giving a sermon] Oh Lord, save us! We are cutting over to Elm Valley now, where we're going to go and meet our wonderful friend. It's her first day of school at Aguefort, it's Kristen Applebees. Kristen Applebees, you're in your bedroom right now, you've got an emblem of a cob of corn in praise to Helio, the god of corn, and his father, Sol, the god of the sun. You have been touched by his spirit divine. You have been sent to this world to share the healing power of your god, amen!

0:10:26 Ally: It's true.

0:10:28 Brennan: You see, describe your character, and what they look like, what their room is like, what's kind of going on.

0:10:34 Ally: Yeah, Kristen Applebees is always wearing a tie-dye shirt from a summer camp that she went to, like a religious summer camp. She has red hair, freckles, she's like, was made for camp. She walks around with her leather Bible that has her name engraved on the cover. She's always holding it. And yeah, she's big into the corn god.

0:11:03 Brennan: You hear a bunch of noise. You have a one story, kinda like ranch house, a little, that kind of like, Elm Valley is a super conservative neighborhood. Out in the living room there's a sofa and a playpen for your little brothers. You hear your little brothers, Bucky, Bricker, and Cork are all out, just rolling around on the ground. Their school starts a little bit later than yours does. And you hear your dad, Mac, and your mom, Donna, yelling out there, saying,

0:11:31 Donna: [suburban mom voice] I swear to God, Bricker, if you don't give your dad back his halberd you're not gonna be able to play when you get home, all right? Now say your prayers, wash your hands and get ready to get to school!

0:11:45 Brennan: You hear a knock on the door. And you hear the voice of your mom say,

0:11:50 Donna: Kristen, you up in there? You almost ready to go to school sweetheart?

0:11:53 Kristen: Sure am. I'm, I just finished praying.

0:11:57 Brennan: You see the door opens, and you see your mom leans her head in. Your mom's sort of a thickset woman. She's got those little sort of short-sleeved mom shirt and the shorts. She's got some hiking boots on. Your mom and dad are human paladins. They work for the border patrol, going and making sure that people from the Mountains of Chaos and monsters don't get in. You see your mom says

0:12:23 Donna: All right, say your prayers to the corn god, Helio, praise be.

0:12:26 Kristen: I am. I'm almost done. Just another hour.

0:12:32 Donna: All right, okay, we're gonna be pretty late if you were gonna do a whole hour.

0:12:38 Kristen: I, okay, I guess I can; everything is a form of prayer, so I guess I'll just go. Let's go.

0:12:44 Brennan: You see your mom gets a little misty eyed and she says,

0:12:46 Donna: Oh, sweetheart, I am so glad that you were chosen and Pastor Amelia is so proud of you. Listen, it's not too late for us to send you to Sun Peak to go train with the-

0:13:01 Kristen: No, Mom! I wanna rub shoulders with real people. I wanna go to parties and dump my beer down the sink and refill the beer can with water so no one feels weird around me.

0:13:10 Donna: Gotcha. Look,

0:13:12 Brennan: You see, she says,

0:13:16 Donna: Look, Helio asks us to live a pure life, right? I just, you're gonna be goin' to a school with elves and-

0:13:27 Kristen: [lowers her voice] Mom, I think your and dad's stance is racist.

0:13:35 Donna: [indignant] I, [scoffs] okay.

0:13:35 Kristen: [voice slowly raises] You're only for humans who look like you, have you ever looked at all your friends, Mom? Do any of 'em look different?

0:13:43 Donna: How can I be racist against an elf? I never met one! I never met, I don't even know an elf!

0:13:47 Kristen: Exactly, you've never met one.

0:13:49 Donna: Okay, okay, so this is---

0:13:49 Kristen: You know what? If Helio was here right now, he would pop out of a corn husk, he would pop into a million different pieces of himself, and he would spread those pieces around to all parts of the city. He wouldn't just be hangin' out here.

0:14:03 Donna: [cornered] I, I, I, I, I, okay. [sighs] [defeated] You know, I'm not smart enough to go toe to toe with you Kristen.

0:14:07 Kristen: [groans]

0:14:12 Donna: I'm a simple woman, and you know, I haven't read the book as close, I'm not chosen, so-

0:14:16 Kristen: You're really smart, Mom, okay? I love you and I think you're really smart, and I think you're relying on “I don't know” very much, and I wanna hear you never say that again.

0:14:27 Brennan: You see that your Dad pokes his head and says,

0:14:29 Mac: [low, mumbling dad voice] Everything all right in here? We're about to head out, or-

0:14:33 Kristen: Yeah, we're fine, I'm gonna go meet all my elf friends.

0:14:34 Mac: The hell? You got elf friends already? What the hell happened-?

0:14:37 Kristen: I hope so! I hope I don't even have one human friend.

0:14:41 Donna: [raises hands] All right, well you know everything, you can talk to Helio, so you know, you would know.

0:14:46 Brennan: You get piled into a station wagon. You can see your little brothers bouncing around in the backseat. Your dad turns the elemental rune key that starts the engine up and you guys start heading off. You see your brother, Cork, who's your littlest brother and he goes,

0:14:59 Cork: [nasally kid voice] You goin’ to 'Venture School?

0:15:01 Kristen: Mmmhmm.

0:15:01 Cork: You gonna fight a dragon?

0:15:04 Kristen: I hope so.

0:15:04 Cork: Really?

0:15:05 Kristen: Mmmhmm.

0:15:05 Cork: You're so cool. [wipes his nose and sniffs wetly]

0:15:08 Kristen: Thanks. Do you want a tissue? Do you wanna a wet nap? Do you wanna tissue?

0:15:12 Cork: Huh? [snorts] I'm good.

0:15:14 Kristen: No.

0:15:16 Cork: I've got a crayon up there.

0:15:17 Kristen: What?

0:15:17 Cork: I got a whole crayon.

0:15:19 Kristen: You have a whole crayon in your nose? Here. [reaches over and yanks it out] Oh god! [gingerly holds it in disgust before setting it down] Jesus.

0:15:25 Brennan: You see that a small bit of light covers his nose. [heavenly string fanfare plays]

0:15:30 Donna: What, you heal your brother back there?

0:15:31 Kristen: Yes.

0:15:31 Donna: Well, you know what? I got no worries about you.

0:15:35 Brennan: You guys take off! [rolls a die] Ooh baby, here's the next one. [looks to Zac] [quiet contemplative string music plays]

0:15:52 Brennan: Do you feel it? Zac laughs softly. He tilts his head, rests it on his hand. Cast laughs.

0:16:01 Murph: [laughs] Oh, okay.

0:16:09 Brennan: [quietly] So, it's pretty early. It's a misty gray kind of morning over in Little Branch. Little Branch is the area of town where the small folk live. There's a lot of miniature houses over there, and we see over in a little corner of a neighborhood, sort of far away, there's a tree, and it's a tree with a little door in it and there's little windows and little pulleys and kites and all kinds of things of gnomish make, clever little contraptions and wonderful things and, there, in the middle of the tree, standing up from a bed that fills up the entire tree at almost, sort of a slant, even, the face sort of pressed up against the windowsill, is Gorgug Thistlespring. Gorgug, can you tell us sort of what you look like and what you're doing right now?

0:17:00 Zac: [quiet and stilted, like a shy teenager] Uh, yeah. I'm Gorgug, I'm 14. I'm six feet, four inches tall. I'm a lot bigger than this house that I'm in. I kinda don't have a lot of friends. I'm not good, really, at talking to people. I like keeping to myself and just sort of drawing or something or listening to music. I'm adopted, by the way, uh, my parents are little gnomes, umm, and I'm a lot bigger than them. Last night I broke my bed in my sleep. Again. [sighs] I just like to keep to myself.

0:17:52 Brennan: Well, Gorgug is there in his gray hoodie. He's got his headphones on, listening to some music.

0:17:57 Gorgug: [sighs]

0:18:02 Murph: Evanescence, no doubt.

0:18:06 Brennan: You see that it's pretty early and you see that coming in from the workshop, your adoptive mom and dad, Digby and Wilma Thistlespring are tinkerers, and you see they come in. Your dad's kinda got these like mutton chops and he's bald. He's got these sort of goggles on. Your mom's kinda like the little, sort of, workshop bandanna around her head, and they both have aprons on and have their little curly, pointed shoes. You see your dad and mom both walk in, and your mom goes,

0:18:40 Wilma: [sweet, high, with a whistle] Well, hey there, sweetie, you're already up.

0:18:43 Gorgug: Yeah, I got up pretty early. I broke my bed again.

0:18:46 Wilma: Oh, sweetheart, that's no problem! Aww, and on the first day of school.

0:18:56 Brennan: You see that your dad immediately goes over and starts doing some gnomish spell, takes up a hammer and starts [magic tinkles] mending it with magic,and you see he says,

0:19:04 Digby: [slightly lower than Wilma, slight Southern lilt] Hey, you know what? Sometimes a thing gets broken, and when you rebuild it, it's stronger for it, you know? A lotta things are like that. You put a sword in a steel forge, you gotta beat the hell outta that thing to get it nice and hard and sharp, you know? Breaking things isn't bad.

0:19:22 Gorgug: I mean, you keep saying that, but I keep breaking things.

0:19:26 Digby: It's always good, it's always good that you're break, you know-

0:19:29 Gorgug: I had a weird dream where I got really mad, and then I woke up and my bed was broken.

0:19:34 Digby: Okay.

0:19:37 Gorgug: So you guys have dreams where you're mad all the time?

0:19:40 Brennan: You see that Digby and Wilma look at each other and go,

0:19:46 Wilma: Well, sure, sure.

0:19:46 Gorgug: Really? I was just thinking about, I've never seen you mad.

0:19:53 Wilma: Well, you didn't see me when your old Pa here dropped a screwdriver on my dang thumb. I was fit to, you know, I said, “Hey,” you know, “watch it, buster!” He really got it.

0:20:08 Gorgug: You were so mad and you said, “Hey, watch it, buster”?

0:20:12 Wilma: Well, yeah.

0:20:13 Gorgug: I feel like my insides are boiling.

0:20:16 Wilma: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

0:20:16 Gorgug: When I'm mad. I'm not mad right now.

0:20:19 Wilma: Okay, that's, hey, you know what? Everybody gets mad sometimes, and you know, one thing you can think about when you're going to school is “Hey, things aren't going my way, I'm getting pretty PO'd. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna sing a song.”

0:20:37 Gorgug: Sing a song?

0:20:40 Brennan: Your mom grabs a little harp and your dad grabs a little ukulele and they start sort of harmonizing, and they go like,

0:20:46 Thistlesprings: [singing cheerfully] ♪ When you feel a little mad ♪ ♪ It's probably because you really feel sad ♪ ♪ Just remember your mom and dad ♪ ♪ And then you'll start to feel real glad ♪

0:21:00 Gorgug: [joining in] -real glad. ♪

0:21:00 Wilma: That's right.

0:21:03 Digby: That's right, bud, so just sing that song around the other high schoolers if you start feeling upset.

0:21:09 Gorgug: Okay, I gotta go.

0:21:13 Brennan: You see, Gorgug, you walk out, you see your mom by the door, hands you a little tin flower. And you see, she says,

0:21:19 Wilma: [earnestly] Now, another thing, that back at Oakshield you had, you know, it was a little bit of a hurdle trying to, it was a bit, we had a little bit of a hard time trying to make pals, right? But making pals is just like making a flower, you know, you think-

0:21:42 Gorgug: [in disbelief] It's just like making a flower?

0:21:44 Wilma: Sure, everything's just like something else. You just-

0:21:49 Gorgug: [hurriedly] Please don't sing another song.

0:21:52 Brennan: You see your dad softly puts his ukelele, put that down, you see your mom goes,

0:21:56 Wilma: Well, with a flower, you think, “Hey, what should that thing look like? And how would I make it, and what would I do?” And you're thoughtful, and then, and then you're real careful with it, and then you put the work in and you put the elbow grease in and you do it with love the whole time. And if you just go be yourself, be your great good self with your great big heart, I just know you'll make some friends, bud.

0:22:20 Gorgug: Okay, thank you, Mom. I'll go to school and I'll try to make a friend today.

0:22:25 Wilma: [gesticulating] Maybe give ‘em the flower!

0:22:26 Gorgug: I don't-- [sighs] [he reaches for the flower]

0:22:26 Wilma: Maybe give ‘em the flower! You know-

0:22:28 Gorgug: Thanks for the flower.

0:22:30 Wilma: That could make a friend.

0:22:32 Gorgug: I'm gonna buy a friend with a flower?

0:22:34 Wilma: Well, it's not buying- a gift isn’t buying, you know? A gift isn't buying something. You know, when you give someone a compliment, is that buying someone something? You give someone a smile? Give someone a smile? You ever do that?

0:22:41 Gorgug: [reluctantly attempts to smile]

0:22:48 Wilma: Wow, yeah, them tusks, them tusks are really comin' in, bud.

0:22:50 Gorgug: [grimacing] They're so big.

0:22:52 Brennan: [laughs] We're going to cut now, let's see here, ooh boy. We will now go little bit north of here to Clearbrook. [bright classical string music plays] Emily laughs and looks over at Siobhan, who smiles slightly and straightens her posture.

0:23:06 Murph: Oh my goodness.

0:23:09 Brennan: [adopting a snobbish tone, enunciating every syllable] Here in the neighborhood of Clearbrook, we now venture through the lofty woods and the shaded streets to the Abernant residence, where we find ourselves at the breakfast table with Mr. Angwyn Abernant, Mrs. Arianwen Abernant, Miss Aelwyn Abernant, and Miss Adaine Abernant, at a small breakfast nook with crystalline windows, small spinning elven pylon of pure runic magical energy, small unseen servants, little air elementals whisk eggs and tea and other things like that to the table back and forth. You see that your father, the elven diplomat from Falinel, reads the paper and ruffles it. Your mother, a professor at Hudol, looks down at her tea and goes over her curriculum for the day, and your older sister, prim, proper and perfect in her Hudol uniform, sits next to you. [to Siobhan] Describe your character to us, if you'd be so kind.

0:24:10 Siobhan: [in her native British accent, quiet and anxious] I'm Adaine Abernant, I'm the daughter of the elvish ambassador. I was at… [sighs] Hudol, but unfortunately, I failed the entrance exam to get into the upper school because I had... a little bit of a panic attack. [unconvincingly] But Aguefort's good too, Aguefort's, I'm happy to be at Aguefort, that's good. It's like actually, I'm better at the practical applications of magic anyway, and I'm good I, I, I, it's good, I'm excited to go.

0:24:49 Brennan: So at the table, you see that your father sort of ruffles the paper and says,

0:24:54 Angwyn: [business-like, recieved British baritone] Hoo, ghastly business, that. I'm sure this will come out at our next meeting at the council, it's dreadful, that's really dreadful. [clears throat]

0:25:04 Adaine: I hate it when you do that.

0:25:04 Angwyn: What's that?

0:25:06 Adaine: You say a thing is dreadful but you don't say what it is.

0:25:08 Angwyn: Do you want to know?

0:25:08 Adaine: I don't know!

0:25:10 Angwyn: Adaine, an inquiring mind is one that sees before it the opportunity for knowledge and strives to move forward. Your sister, Aelwyn, for example, I trust that when she wants to know something she will ask. That's the mind of a researcher rather than sort of the responsive, more... visceral attitude of a practical caster, you understand.

0:25:37 Adaine: If you really wanted us to know things, you'd get us papers ourselves, except you sit here and you say, “Oh gosh, terrible! Oh drat! What a thing!” and then I have to ask you, instead of you saying, “Oh look, here's some actual practical information that you might want to know.”

0:25:52 Brennan: You see, your sister says,

0:25:52 Aelwyn: [posh] I get the paper on my crystal, do you not? I get it on my crystal.

0:25:58 Adaine: I'm not allowed a crystal because I failed the entrance exam.

0:26:00 Aelwyn: That's right. You're not allowed a crystal. Well, I'm sure if you kill a hobgoblin maybe you'll... What are the sort of things they do at Aguefort? I'm not sure. Adaine silently stares at Aelwyn for a few moments and pointedly turns away.

0:26:15 Aelwyn: It's an honest question. Do you kill hobgoblins at this-

0:26:18 Siobhan: I cast Ray of Sickness underneath the kitchen table.

0:26:24 Brennan: You see your sister goes [scoffs] and vomits all-

0:26:31 Adaine: Oh dear. I mean, I think that maybe my sister is too sick to go to school today--

0:26:34 Angwyn: Now, now, children. No offensive spell casting at the nook. That's going to take a whole prestidigitation to clean up. Arianwen, do you want to do that?

0:26:45 Arianwen: [lofty, dismissive scholarly tone] Very well, Father.

0:26:47 Brennan: Your mother swirls her hand and says,

0:26:47 Arianwen: Adaine, I don't understand why you and your sister can't simply get along?

0:26:53 Adaine: Why don't you ask her? Why do you always ask me?

0:26:56 Arianwen: Well, I don't know, I don't choose to examine that. I'm rather busy, I'm trying to get this curriculum today.

0:27:03 Adaine: Yes, of course, you're rather busy for me.

0:27:05 Brennan: You see that she looks over at your father, immediately ignoring that very pointed statement that you just made, and says,

0:27:09 Arianwen: Dear, do tell me what you see in the news.

0:27:12 Brennan: He says,

0:27:12 Angwyn: Well, the Elven Oracle has died in a shipwreck. Very dreadful business. On her way from Fallinel to Bastion City, looks like her ship, the Cerulean, just went down. Dreadful affair. Ought to be dealing with that. I'm sure the arch magi will have no end of talking about what's to be done. Terrible.

0:27:30 Adaine: She can't have been that good an oracle if she didn't see the storm coming.

0:27:35 Arianwen: [appalled] Adaine!

0:27:35 Adaine: I, what, why?

0:27:37 Brennan: You see, Aelwyn goes,

0:27:40 Aelwyn: [resentfully, while wiping vomit off of her chin] Now, really, Adaine, that's much too much. [muttering to herself] Oh God, this stinks.

0:27:43 Adaine: I'm just saying.

0:27:45 Brennan: Your sort of breakfast includes, your father gives you a very chaste kiss on the head and your sister. You see your mother gets up and says,

0:27:52 Arianwen: [distractedly] I trust that you girls will see yourselves...

0:27:57 Brennan: She says,

0:27:57 Arianwen: Aelwyn, if you'd like to take the car you can do that, and Adaine, I understand that there's a bus that goes to Aguefort?

0:28:06 Adaine: I mean, other people's parents might have found that out for them.

0:28:08 Arianwen: Well, I think this is a very wonderful time for you to apply some of your divination casting, perhaps gaze into a crystal ball, see if the bus is coming to a certain place. That's sort of the thing they value there, isn't it?

0:28:24 Adaine: [resigned] Very well, I shall find my own way to school.

0:28:27 Arianwen: That's my good girl.

0:28:27 Brennan: She kisses you on the head. You get your stuff and get ready to head out. You've got kind of this little prep uniform as well. Your father walks over to you and says,

0:28:38 Angwyn: Oh, Adaine, before you go, I'd like to give you something.

0:28:42 Brennan: You see he takes this big crystal orb out from a satchel, you see he says,

0:28:48 Angwyn: This is an arcane focus that an old friend of mine, a warcaster from the military in Fallinel employed for his spellcasting. I've had no use for an arcane focus, but I understand you'll be spellcasting under adverse conditions, so perhaps it would be of some use to you.

0:29:14 Adaine: Thank you, father.

0:29:14 Angwyn: Oh, you're very welcome. Here you are.

0:29:17 Adaine: It's very, it's very big.

0:29:20 Angwyn: What's that?

0:29:20 Adaine: Thank you.

0:29:22 Angwyn: Why would it be impractical to fight with a two foot diameter orb? Wouldn't a large orb, it helps you focus the spell energy. I'm trying, Adaine, I really do try my best. I don't know what to tell you, Adaine, this is a touching gift from a friend of mine. You don't like it, you can give it back, that's fine.

0:29:39 Adaine: No, I, thank you, thank you, Father. I'll put it in my backpack. I guess.

0:29:43 Angwyn: I don't think it'll fit, but try your best.

0:29:45 Adaine: Then I will, I'll carry it in my hands to school on my first day of school. I'm sure it will make a great impression with these new people.

0:29:51 Brennan: You see that your father ducks away. You and Aelwyn start walking, and you see that she looks over at you, and she says,

0:29:59 Aelwyn: That was a mean trick with the vomit and all that, I don't ever cast spells at you.

0:30:04 Adaine: Yes you do, all the time.

0:30:05 Aelwyn: Well, mine are always funnier, you know, they have an ironic sort of twist.

0:30:10 Siobhan: I cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter.

0:30:14 Brennan: Make a saving throw, if you'd be so kind, for Tasha's Hideous Laughter.

0:30:18 Siobhan: Oh.

0:30:18 Brennan: What'd you roll?

0:30:20 Siobhan: A 4. Do I have points to add to it, that-

0:30:24 Emily: Does she reverse it at her?

0:30:25 Brennan: That she does.

0:30:25 Emily: Oh, ho ho ho! That's badass. Sorry, your sister’s a fucking badass.

0:30:33 Siobhan: [laughing] So I’m just going into school laughing like a crazy person.

0:30:36 Murph: Your sister is so cool.

0:30:36 Siobhan: Oh no.

0:30:39 Lou: I love your sister.

0:30:39 Emily: Your sister’s so smart and quick.

0:30:39 Ally: Your sister’s so cool.

0:30:39 Emily: And on top of it, her, her uniform is just slightly better fitting.

0:30:44 Brennan: Make a Wisdom roll for your Wisdom save.

0:30:46 Siobhan: 4, plus wisdom.

0:30:46 Brennan: Plus wisdom, 4’s not gonna do it.

0:30:49 Siobhan: Great.

0:30:51 Brennan: You start cackling like a lunatic. I’m also gonna need to have you make a wisdom saving throw for your panic attack condition.

0:31:03 Siobhan: [sighs deeply] 20. 18 plus 2.

0:31:03 Brennan: 18 plus 2. Cool, so you don't go into a panic attack but you do start laughing like a lunatic. You see, she says,

0:31:09 Aelwyn: See, for example, I just said that my spells were funny, and I've turned your laughter spell back on you, which is both ironic and funny, which are the two things that I said my spells are like. And I didn't even have to use a spell slot, isn't that something-

0:31:20 Adaine: I'm going to learn so many spells and screw you, this is my only game in going to this school, to find a group of people to destroy your fucking life.

0:31:32 Brennan: You see she says,

0:31:32 Aelwyn: I'm sure you will, you're going to join one of those little arcane secret societies, go voodoo-

0:31:38 Siobhan: I punch her in the face.

0:31:40 Brennan: Go ahead and make an attack roll.

0:31:42 Emily: Did you use up all your spell slots on your sister?

0:31:44 Murph: You just die in your opening.

0:31:46 Siobhan: 3.

0:31:49 Brennan: 3, you, boy, your skinny elven fist whiffs right past her face, and she says,

0:31:55 Aelwyn: That sort of pure brute physical violence, I'm sure that'll earn you all sorts of credit at this school for brawling, that's lovely. Well done,

0:32:04 Brennan: You see she says,

0:32:04 Aelwyn: Could I, before you injure yourself by trying to attack me, could I just be very clear about something? Look--

0:32:16 Brennan: She says,

0:32:16 Aelwyn: I, it's awful that you got kicked out of Hudol. It's awful, it doesn't reflect well on our family, but that's not even the reason.

0:32:31 Siobhan: I punch her in the face again.

0:32:33 Brennan: [laughs] Go for it again.

0:32:34 Siobhan: 8.

0:32:35 Brennan: 8. She says,

0:32:35 Aelwyn: Really, stop! What's to gain at this point by throwing punches?

0:32:41 Adaine: The game is me hitting you in the face. And so she says,

0:32:44 Aelwyn: I'm trying to help.

0:32:47 Adaine: No, you're trying to help yourself.

0:32:49 Aelwyn: You know, look, all right, and just let me do, I'm trying to do a nice older sister thing for once. Can I do it, can I do that?

0:32:58 Adaine: Can you?

0:33:00 Aelwyn: [sighs] Good grief, all right. Look, Aguefort doesn't work like Hudol, all right, so all the things about grades and tests and practicals and exams and all that, that's all out, it's a nonsense place. It's all topsy turvy there, all right? They look differently on the sort of things that they value there, so the things that really really work for that academy are, sort of, things that would be insane to do at Hudol. I heard that one of the best ways to get into an arcane society was to steal a book from the restricted section on your first day, that that's something that they look at as, I don't know, some kind of adventurer's initiative or it shows, I don't know, gumption?

0:33:38 Adaine: I don't want to take any more advice from you, 'cause you probably couldn't even get into Aguefort. Just because you're good at Hudol doesn't mean-

0:33:44 Aelwyn: I couldn't get into Aguefort?

0:33:45 Adaine: That you'd be good at Aguefort.

0:33:46 Aelwyn: I could get into Aguefort.

0:33:46 Adaine: You'd be terrible at Aguefort.

0:33:47 Aelwyn: I'd turn that whole school around, brick by brick. I'd lift it up in the air—

0:33:48 Adaine: You're too scared to try. You're too scared to try.

0:33:51 Aelwyn: I am proper and well-behaved and well-mannered.

0:33:56 Adaine: [childishly] Meh, meh, meh, meh.

0:33:59 Aelwyn: So I don't care to engage in this anymore.

0:34:00 Adaine: [mocking her] Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh.

0:34:01 Aelwyn: All right, fine, go on your first day, get partnered up with some sort of barbarian, go out into the wilds and get killed on your first adventure, see what I care?

0:34:08 Adaine: Good, I shall.

0:34:08 Brennan: You see she turns and walks away.

0:34:10 Emily: Whoaaa.

0:34:12 Lou: Tension.

0:34:17 Brennan: Hell yeah. Ba-ba-bum, we now go over to, [smooth jazz music plays] Zac smiles and looks over at Murph as Emily points over to Murph as if to say, “it’s you!” Murph nods and grooves to the music.

0:34:26 Ally: [nodding appreciatively] Oh yeah, oh yeah.

0:34:27 Siobhan: Oh yeah.

0:34:28 Brennan: Welcome to Ballaster, which is kinda like [rumbly, gravelly voice] more rundown, more seedy kinda place, kinda bad part of town. You see Strongtower Luxury Apartments, with the luxury kind of arcano-crystal flickering, [neon light buzzes] so it just goes ke-ke-ke, Strongtower Apartments. We see that there is a small bedroom and basically, a kind of retrofitted, it's in a one bedroom apartment with a kind of cordoned off bed in the living room with a fake drywall around it. Very small apartment. And we see that there is, sun's just coming up, there's some smoke coming from some burning thing on the oven, and there's a little bit of coffee in a mug. A very sparse, spartan kinda place, and we see Riz Gukgak. Brian, go ahead and describe Riz for me, if you'd be so kind.

0:35:30 Murph: [in a clear voice, ever so slightly nasally] Yeah, so I'm Riz Gukgak. My nickname in middle school was Briefcase Kid. I'm a goblin, and I don't have a lot of friends even though I'm pretty social, which is weird. My only real friend is this halfling named Penny Luckstone who, technically my babysitter, I had a babysitter until I was 13, but she recently went missing, and my mom is a detective and I'm a [coughs] licensed private investigator, so I am gonna find Penny myself.

0:36:09 Brennan: So it's early morning, I assume you've been up all night working your case.

0:36:12 Murph: I've got my board. It just has the missing girls all just pointed at the school.

0:36:17 Emily: Eww! That's so creepy to have in a little boy's room.

0:36:21 Ally: Just have a board of missing girls.

0:36:24 Murph: He's trying to find them.

0:36:25 Emily: Whatever, creep.

0:36:25 Ally: Yeah, whatever.

0:36:27 Murph: [pointing at them] You're not here, you're not here, none of you are here.

0:36:30 Ally: You know, you take breaks and kiss a pillow.

0:36:34 Emily: “Oh, Penny, babysit me.”

0:36:35 Murph: Riz is there not kissing a pillow. Just being a private investigator.

0:36:40 Brennan: You see that it's early in the morning, you're kind of looking at the board. It's a lot of, it's a really nice board, you’ve got the yarn and everything. It's kind of sparse clues-wise, it's sort of just the pictures and the dates where they went missing and stuff like that.

0:36:55 Murph: I’m trying to move it around to make it different, but I only have like five clues.

0:37:00 Brennan: You see that the door opens and your mom, Sklonda Gukgak walks in. Skonda is a classic goblin, she's got sort of green skin, yellow eyes, the big ears that come out to each side, but has got that classic mom haircut, you know what I mean? Kinda like the bangs and the kind of bob or whatever? Dressed with the, sort of white shirt, she's got an underarm holster for a little arquebus, dress shoes, she's always gotta have the badge hangin' off of the belt there. You see that she opens the door, walks in. She's been gone all night working. And you see, she walks in and she goes,

0:37:33 Sklonda: [clearly tired] Oh, Riz, sweetie, are you, you're up? What are you doin'?

0:37:37 Riz: I kind of, I got some sleep. I slept for four hours, we said four hours was the minimum.

0:37:43 Sklonda: Four hours is the minimum.

0:37:43 Riz: I got four hours of sleep.

0:37:45 Sklonda: Okay.

0:37:45 Riz: And I got up a couple times to work on the board, but for the most part, four hours of sleep.

0:37:50 Sklonda: Sweetie, you know that it's not great that you're doing this, right?

0:37:57 Riz: Well, they're missing, mom.

0:38:00 Sklonda: [picking up card] Why does this say licensed private investigator?

0:38:02 Riz: Well, it says “un-”, it's little, but it's legal.

0:38:07 Sklonda: Looks like a smudge, oh, sweetie, that's, that's-

0:38:09 Riz: Technically legal.

0:38:12 Sklonda: -really skirting the line with a lie.

0:38:15 Riz: But, overall, okay.

0:38:15 Sklonda: I, look, sweetheart. You’ve gotta lotta gumption, but we have detectives that are working, actually we have one detective working this case, but-

0:38:25 Riz: And I can be your man on the inside.

0:38:27 Sklonda: Man on the inside?

0:38:29 Riz: Yeah, that Ague-- the school, right? That's where, the girls all went to the school.

0:38:34 Sklonda: Yes, they all went to Aguefort.

0:38:36 Riz: And that's the clue that I have.

0:38:38 Brennan: She looks at your one clue, that they all went to Aguefort, she says,

0:38:41 Sklonda: Okay, you could throw a couple more clues on there, that's a probable thing, we could, you know-

0:38:45 Riz: Just read a newspaper?

0:38:47 Sklonda: Yeah, we'll just read a newspaper, the dates, right, what kind of circumstances, last seen, last person seen.

0:38:52 Riz: That's why it's good to have you around, Mom.

0:38:54 Sklonda: Why am I encouraging this? Don't do this. Oh god, okay, you've eaten? Are you hungry, want something to eat?

0:39:01 Riz: Um, I had coffee.

0:39:01 Sklonda: That's not food, sweetie.

0:39:04 Riz: I haven't eaten, okay, I could use something.

0:39:07 Sklonda: Okay, I'm gonna go get something, what do we have?

0:39:08 Brennan: You see she opens the fridge, it's empty. She goes,

0:39:09 Sklonda: Oh yeah, I gotta go shopping.

0:39:11 Brennan: You see that she opens the thing and there's some cereal. She takes a little thing of cereal out, pours two bowls, pours some milk in. You see that there's not enough milk for two bowls, so then she pours the milk out of her bowl into yours. Emily and Ally aww, Siobhan visibly looks sad, Zac lowers his head, Lou covers his face.

0:39:25 Brennan: Puts water from the sink in her-- she puts it in front of you, and you see that she has-

0:39:34 Ally: Don’t cry! Don’t cry!

0:39:35 Murph: Who has the time- Emily and Zac pantomime crying.

0:39:37 Siobhan: She’s trying her best!

0:39:39 Ally: I love her. [raises two fingers in a salute] Shout out, moms.

0:39:40 Brennan: You see she says-

0:39:40 Sklonda: All right, well, eat up, okay?

0:39:44 Riz: Okay, thank you. The two eat ravenously, making comical gobbling noises.

0:39:48 Sklonda: [wipes chin] Ah, all right, well I'll go, I'll find a time to go shopping and get the rest. [sighs] Hey, today, first day of school, right?

0:39:58 Riz: Yep.

0:39:58 Sklonda: And this Saturday, y’know, uh, umm, it's the five year anniversary, so if you wanna head over to the cemetery, we can go visit Dad, sort of see how things are going.

0:40:16 Riz: Yeah, yeah, we can do that.

0:40:18 Sklonda: Does that work for you?

0:40:18 Riz: Yeah.

0:40:19 Sklonda: We can go in the morning, if you got stuff to do, ‘cause I know you probably try to make friends at school-

0:40:23 Riz: Yeah, I'm probably gonna be busy, 'cause I gotta make-- So I figured a lotta kids would just be giving out their phone numbers on their phone, but I made business cards.

0:40:28 Sklonda: [inhales, wincing] Buhhh.

0:40:32 Riz: So I'll probably be busy Saturday.

0:40:34 Sklonda: Okay.

0:40:35 Riz: Why don’t we do it in the morning.

0:40:37 Sklonda: Ah, sweetheart, yeah. Y’know, formality is great when you've tryin' to be a professional, and I know that you’ve seen me work a lot, and so that's kind of a, you know, professionalism. But there's something to be say, you know, when I go out with the guys, I'll knock back a beer-

0:40:52 Riz: Right, right.

0:40:55 Sklonda: I'll kick back a little bit. Y’know, It's okay to relax.

0:40:56 Riz: Yeah, get 'em relaxed.

0:41:00 Sklonda: Get who? Get them relaxed?

0:41:01 Riz: That's how we get them to tell us-

0:41:03 Sklonda: You relax.

0:41:05 Riz: Tell us the secrets so that we-

0:41:05 Sklonda: It's not, okay-

0:41:05 Riz: So that we can solve the mystery.

0:41:08 Sklonda: Friends are for more than clues, sweetie. Friends are for, there's a lot of things we use friends for. Right, so let's look at that as an opportunity to-

0:41:16 Riz: Start with the friends, then get the clues.

0:41:19 Sklonda: Okay. Well, I'm gonna, you good to get to the bus?

0:41:23 Riz: Yeah.

0:41:23 Sklonda: I'm gonna try to, I'm gonna catch a little bit of sleep. Sweetheart, you're gonna do great.

0:41:28 Riz: Thanks, Mom.

0:41:28 Sklonda: You're the best there is. I love you, have a great day at school. Tell me all about it when you get home, okay?

0:41:34 Riz: Okay. Thanks, Mom.

0:41:35 Brennan: She gives you a kiss on the head, she heads off to her bedroom. And we will now cut over to our final-- [rock music plays] Players bob their heads.

0:41:43 Murph: Nice.

0:41:48 Brennan: [ready to rock] Ah, hell yeah, we cut over to the Faeth Home way over by the highway, not too many people live out here, it's kind of a little, has a chain link fence, it's got a little attic bedroom up there.

0:41:58 Emily: Oh, I'm in the attic?

0:42:00 Brennan: You're in the attic.

0:42:00 Emily: Fuck yeah.

0:42:02 Brennan: Fuck yeah. Upstairs is a room that last year was filled with pastels and unicorns, other shit like that, and now it's all fuckin' band posters, tour lists for who's gonna be playin' at the Black Pit. There's a sick red guitar in the corner. There's some horn cream, there's some cream for your horns that are coming in. You see, Emily, go ahead and describe your character if you would.

0:42:26 Emily: [teen girl] Um, my name's Figueroth. You probably knew me last year as, like, that really bubbly girl who was, like, invited to every party, but all of the sudden, my horns started growing in and I thought I was an elf, but it turns out, my dad isn't my real dad and I have a demon for a dad, but my mom won't tell me who he is. So pretty much I'm kinda like, fuck everyone and I'm just like, I'm just like, I've got a bass guitar, I've got some drumsticks, like, I'm ready to start a bass-driven band. And, just like, yeah, just fuck everything, right? Okay, that's it. That's me. Also, my name is Figueroth, my last name is Faeth, but that is the name of someone who does not have anything to do with me because he's not my dad. So I'm just Fig now. Just Fig.

0:43:21 Brennan: You see that, so Fig is upstairs, you see that there's a knock at the door. You're in bed. You see that your mom leans in. Your mom is a, she's got the mom jeans on, but is like a sort of wood elf. You see that she's got a bow over her shoulder and a quiver of arrows, your mom works as a ranger that goes and explores the woods around here. You see she goes,

0:43:43 Sandra Lynn: [no nonsense tone] Sweetheart, I've been knockin' up a storm, what's goin' on? You're gonna be late,you're gonna miss the bus.

0:43:49 Fig: Oh yeah, um, about that, I'm not going.

0:43:51 Sandra Lynn: God damn it. You're going to school.

0:43:53 Fig: Yeah, try and tell me even one good bard who learned how to bard in school. They're gonna teach me how to play the bass guitar? No, if I want, I need real life experience.

0:44:04 Sandra Lynn: The school is real life experience. Sweetie, you're 15.

0:44:07 Fig: Who's my dad?

0:44:10 Sandra Lynn: Goddamn it, I'm not-

0:44:10 Fig: Who's my dad?

0:44:12 Sandra Lynn: I can't tell you who your, your dad is Gilear, who raised you and loves you. Okay?

0:44:21 Fig: That tool?

0:44:21 Sandra Lynn: Look, just 'cause things aren't great between your father and I right now doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, okay?

0:44:32 Fig: Really? Because the look on his face when my horns started growing in didn't look a lot like love.

0:44:39 Sandra Lynn: Sweetie, this attitude is a problem, all right? You gotta get it together, it's your first day at school.

0:44:46 Fig: You know, you're right, I think I need some instruction, like maybe from a dad!

0:44:48 Sandra Lynn: Goddamn it. I-

0:44:51 Fig: Who is he? Just give me a name. I'll go find him myself.

0:44:57 Sandra Lynn: There are reasons I can't tell you.

0:44:59 Fig: [whispers] Is he the Nightmare King?

0:45:01 Sandra Lynn: It's not the Nightmare King, it's not the Nightmare King.

0:45:03 Fig: I think it's the Nightmare King.

0:45:04 Sandra Lynn: It's not the Nightmare King.

0:45:05 Fig: It's the Nightmare King, you don't have to say-

0:45:06 Sandra Lynn: I think that-

0:45:06 Fig: Say it's not the Nightmare King if it's the Nightmare King.

0:45:08 Sandra Lynn: Say, you want me to say what?

0:45:10 Fig: If it's not the Nightmare King, you could let me know by being like, it's not the Nightmare King.

0:45:17 Sandra Lynn: [pauses for a second] The Nightmare King lives thousands of miles away from here, maybe.

0:45:20 Fig: Yeah.

0:45:23 Sandra Lynn: I d-- The Nightmare--

0:45:23 Fig: But he also lives in our nightmares, maybe that's where you met him?

0:45:32 Sandra Lynn: Sweetie, this is sensitive, and adults-

0:45:35 Emily: I light up a cigarette.

0:45:37 Sandra Lynn: [freaking out] Where the fuck did you get a cig-?

0:45:39 Brennan: She snatches it out of your hand.

0:45:40 Sandra Lynn: I don't, where did you get that?

0:45:42 Emily: I light up another.

0:45:42 Sandra Lynn: God! Wow, where did this come from? You were so well behaved a year ago.

0:45:48 Brennan: You see she sort of collapsed against the wall.

0:45:51 Sandra Lynn: Look, okay, well,

0:45:51 Brennan: and she looks out the window and goes,

0:45:53 Sandra Lynn: Well, there goes the fuckin' bus, huh? There it goes, you happy?

0:45:58 Fig: Bye. [waves at the bus] Anyway, so I think I'm just gonna sorta stay home and work on some music. I've got a song called My Dad is a Demon But He's Also a Deadbeat, so I'll just work on that. Bye.

0:46:11 Sandra Lynn: You're going to the school.

0:46:12 Brennan: And you see that she walks out, picks up the phone and she calls someone, you can hear her speak in Elven downstairs.

0:46:23 Fig: I can't believe that I really thought I was an elf.

0:46:24 Sandra Lynn: [speaking elvish, lots of “th” and “l” sounds]

0:46:26 Fig: Elves are so lame.

0:46:28 Sandra Lynn: [more elvish]

0:46:30 Fig: Oh my god, just so many -th soundings.

0:46:32 Sandra Lynn: [more elvish]... Fig,

0:46:34 Fig: Ugh, I know you're talking about me! I can hear you saying Fig.

0:46:38 Sandra Lynn: It’s got nothing to do with you! Get downstairs!

0:46:42 Brennan: You see your mom-

0:46:42 Ally: You're like Swedish.

0:46:44 Brennan: [laughs] -comes back upstairs and goes,

0:46:44 Sandra Lynn: I have to go to work, all right? Your father is coming here to pick you up and take you to school, all right, because he-

0:46:51 Fig: [faking excitement] Oh, my real father? I'm finally gonna meet him, what a luxury! I can't wait, I'll put on my best fucking dress.

0:46:57 Sandra Lynn: Get dressed for school, all right, and we will talk about this. [sighs] I love you, and I know this is hard right now, but we're gonna get... you gotta put the cigarette out while I'm in the room, while I'm in the room you can't smoke.

0:47:16 Emily: I put it out in her coffee.

0:47:19 Sandra Lynn: God damn it!

0:47:20 Brennan: You see that she walks outta the room.

0:47:23 Fig: Just tell me who my real dad is and I'll call this war off!

0:47:29 Brennan: She walks outta the room. She leaves. You see that she walks out on the front lawn and a humongous griffin flies up in the sky going [screams], lands in the front yard and she mounts on its back and flies off. Lou laughs and claps.

0:47:41 Emily: Okay, that's pretty dope.

0:47:44 Brennan: You see that a moment later a car rolls up and Gilear, who you, not your biological father but the man who raised you, steps outta the car. He's not looking great. He's sort of lost some hair. You've never seen an elf with a comb over before. He's got a little bit of a paunch. He's got a little, sort of short-sleeved button up shirt, he's working at a different job now, 'cause he quit his old one, and he's got what look like beans or something on his shirt. He steps outta the car and knocks on the door, tock tock tock.

0:48:20 Emily: I go answer it.

0:48:20 Fig: Gilear, have you been eating out of cans again?

0:48:23 Gilear: [low, halting voice] What? My daughter, yes, ehm, I have been eating legumes as it were for I have found that in my new living situation over at Strongtower Luxury Apartments--

0:48:44 Fig: Wow, you really emphasized luxury.

0:48:46 Gilear: They're not the worst in the world. They're all right, but I've found that it's, you know, yeah, I've been eating beans. Eating beans.

0:48:57 Fig: Okay. I, so I'm guessing you were sent here to try and get me to go to school, right?

0:49:04 Gilear: Well, I'm gonna give you a ride.

0:49:07 Fig: Okay, let me just go use the bathroom and then I'll come.

0:49:09 Gilear: Okay, that sounds good.

0:49:12 Emily: I go into the bathroom and cast Disguise Self to make myself look like my mom. And then I come back out.

0:49:16 Brennan: You walk back out, and you see he goes,

0:49:20 Gilear: [annoyed] Uh, Sandra Lynn, what the hell? I thought you needed to go to work?

0:49:27 Fig: [slightly deeper voice] I know, I've changed, I've changed my mind. I don't think she should go to school. She made some really compelling arguments about how bards, how bards need real life experience so. Thank you so much. And also, thank you for keeping it a secret who her real dad is.

0:49:48 Gilear: Well, all right.

0:49:48 Fig: But between you and me, we can say the name out loud.

0:49:53 Brennan: You see he says,

0:49:53 Gilear: Well, he's actually, if you wanna go talk to him about the paternity test, he's free today.

0:50:01 Fig: Yeah. Yes, I do. Can we do it in the next hour?

0:50:08 Gilear: Sure, that's fine.

0:50:08 Fig: Okay, yes.

0:50:10 Gilear: Yeah, that's no problem.

0:50:10 Fig: Thank you. Thank you so much. She's upstairs so we can just go, no need to say goodbye to her.

0:50:18 Gilear: Really? No need to say goodbye to her?

0:50:20 Fig: No, I think she's working on a song.

0:50:23 Gilear: Okay, that's all right. I'll talk to her later.

0:50:27 Brennan: You see he goes and gets in the driver’s seat of the car.

0:50:29 Fig: Okay, I'm coming.

0:50:29 Brennan: You sit. What's the duration on your Disguise Self spell?

0:50:33 Emily: One hour. [laughs] Brennan applauds.

0:50:44 Zac: Foolproof.

0:50:44 Brennan: Foolproof, foolproof.

0:50:46 Ally: Foolproof.

0:50:48 Brennan: Cool.

0:50:49 Murph: Everyone else goes to school, that’s the adventure.

0:50:53 Brennan: The sun rises in the sky over the beautiful dappled lawns, stone brick walls, ivy-covered trellises and statues of the Aguefort Adventuring Academy. All of you arrive by bus, by car, however you get here. Out in the front of the building, you see a bunch of students, people that recognize each other are clapping and loud teenagers, and everyone's kind of gathering. You're a few minutes early. [to Emily] You see that your father pulls up to the front of the school.

0:51:20 Emily: [panicked] Oh no!

0:51:23 Murph: [delighted] You got tricked!

0:51:23 Brennan: You see he goes,

0:51:25 Gilear: [scornfully] All right, Sandra Lynn, here you are! Your former lover's in there. Fig glances at him, hoping her cover wasn’t blown.

0:51:33 Gilear: Oh, you think I'm a fool?

0:51:34 Fig: [groans in disappointment]

0:51:35 Gilear: I raised you. And don't call me Gilear, all right? I know that I said-

0:51:39 Fig: What, what else am I supposed to call you? Stranger, stranger with no biological link to me? I'm willing to make, that's a lot to say every time I address you.

0:51:48 Brennan: You see a little tear forms in his eye and you see he says,

0:51:50 Gilear: I know that I said some hurtful things when I first found out.

0:51:55 Fig: Yeah, you said, “You're no longer a Faeth,” and guess what, I'm not. I'm just Fig now.

0:52:05 Gilear: Fig, I'm sitting here with beans on my shirt.

0:52:08 Fig: I know, I saw you ate one on the ride here.

0:52:12 Gilear: I was hungry, all right? I've put on some weight. You ever heard of a fat elf? You ever heard of it? I've never seen a fat elf in my life and I'm here with a bad comb over and beans on my shirt.

0:52:25 Fig: Okay, fine.

0:52:25 Gilear: And I'm reaching out to you.

0:52:27 Fig: I'm sorry, Gilear, I'm sorry that I got angry at you. You're just some random man, I shouldn't be mean to you.

0:52:33 Gilear: All right, get outta my fucking car, you demon!

0:52:36 Fig: [gasps]

0:52:40 Gilear: I didn't mean it like, it's not, no no, 'cause you're making it a tiefling thing.

0:52:45 Fig: You know what, I am a demon!

0:52:48 Emily: And then I put some horn wax to really make 'em shine.

0:52:50 Fig: And I'm not ashamed of it. I just hope I don't also get a tail. The horns are enough, okay, bye.

0:52:59 Brennan: You guys all arrive at the foot of the school. What are you guys all doing here together?

0:53:04 Lou: I look around for the biggest and the strongest man or student in the entry area.

0:53:14 Brennan: You look around, you see-- Zac, what’s Gorgug doing? He's the tallest person here.

0:53:21 Zac: I'm holding a metal flower. Just looking for a friend.

0:53:26 Lou: I walk straight up to Gorgug. I say,

0:53:30 Fabian: Hey. How you doin' buddy?

0:53:32 Gorgug: I'm, I'm good. It's my first day. I guess it's everyone's first day.

0:53:37 Fabian: Oh, oh, it's your first day.

0:53:39 Gorgug: Do you want this metal f-flower?

0:53:41 Lou: I swing and hit him as fucking hard as I possibly fucking can.

0:53:46 Siobhan: I see this just as I'm walking into the, where I am. I'm like,

0:53:49 Adaine: Oh my-- So this is what public school is like?

0:53:53 Brennan: Go ahead and roll an attack roll.

0:53:55 Lou: Great. 15.

0:53:57 Brennan: What's your AC?

0:54:00 Zac: My AC's 13.

0:54:00 Brennan: [to Lou] You slug him. What's your Strength modifier?

0:54:03 Lou: It's +2.

0:54:06 Brennan: [to Zac] You take 3 points of damage.

0:54:08 Lou: And then I turn and I say,

0:54:10 Fabian: [as a declaration] I'm Fabian Seacaster, son of Bill Seacaster and I'm here to be great.

0:54:16 Gorgug: [groans in pain]

0:54:23 Zac: I'm trying to sing that song.

0:54:27 Gorgug: [singing through gritted teeth] ♪ When you're mad ♪

0:54:28 Ally: I run up.

0:54:28 Brennan: [laughing] You run up.

0:54:30 Gorgug: [quivering in anger] ♪ If you're mad... ♪

0:54:34 Kristen: Hey, are you okay? What happened?

0:54:36 Gorgug: That guy punched me.

0:54:39 Kristen: That sucks. You seem really non-violent and I think that's really cool. Violence is never the answer-

0:54:45 Zac: I go into a rage.

0:54:48 Brennan: Awesome, what do you-

0:54:48 Zac: I go into a rage and I attack, I go to punch.

0:54:54 Brennan: Go for it, roll an attack roll.

0:54:56 Zac: 19?

0:54:58 Brennan: [to Lou] And what's your AC?

0:54:58 Lou: Aha, 16.

0:54:59 Brennan: And you're in a rage, right?

0:55:02 Zac: Yes.

0:55:02 Brennan: So that's gonna deal, 3 plus 2 plus 1 is six points of damage. You fucking, yeah, Gorgug whips up and fucking clocks you.

0:55:07 Gorgug: [yells]

0:55:13 Kristen: Wait, no! Violence isn't the answer.

0:55:16 Emily: Is this creating like a commotion?

0:55:18 Brennan: Oh yeah. There's a bunch of, you guys see--

0:55:21 Emily: Are there people, are the teachers all around?

0:55:23 Brennan: Oh, you see there's this one kid who looks like a gnome with that long, kinda like stoner hair, who's like,

0:55:28 Gnome: Oh, fuck! Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

0:55:34 Emily: I'm gonna sneak into the teacher's lounge while there's a commotion and steal from the refrigerator.

0:55:37 Brennan: You sneak in. You guys see that wading through the crowd of students is this hulking dragonborn, right? For those who don't know what a dragonborn is, humanoid dragon with long tail, no wings, these big claws, wearing a full suit, like a gray suit and a blue tie, big horns sweeping off of his, [gestures to head] he's red-scaled, anthropomorphic dragon guy. You see he's holding just a straight up cricket bat in his hands, and he walks up and goes

0:56:07 Goldenhoard: [deep rumbling voice] All right, all right that's enough! And on day one, the bell hasn't even rung yet.

0:56:13 Brennan: Effortlessly hoists you two up off the ground, sheathing his cricket bat before he does so, and goes,

0:56:18 Goldenhoard: Now look here, where, where, what are you, freshmen? How, why did this even start?

0:56:24 Fabian: Well-

0:56:24 Gorgug: [upset] I don't know! He hit me.

0:56:26 Fabian: Well, I had to let this one know that I wasn't going to take any of his shit.

0:56:29 Goldenhoard: “Shit”? It looks like he's holding a flower.

0:56:37 Fabian: Hey, the greatest attackers sometimes put up a facade, that they might sneak their way. I don't need to explain myself to you, I'm Fabian Seacaster!

0:56:47 Goldenhoard: You 100% need to explain yourself to me. I am Vice Principal Goldenhoard.

0:56:55 Gorgug: [to Fabian] I'm sorry I got mad at you. You can still have the flower if you want. [holds it out]

0:57:00 Goldenhoard: Don't, kid, don't give him the flower.

0:57:04 Ally: I’m in the background praying.

0:57:06 Goldenhoard: He has absolutely not earned any congeniality from you at all.

0:57:08 Gorgug: I hit him too, so we're even.

0:57:10 Goldenhoard: You hit him? All right. That's immediate detention for both of you. First day, after school.

0:57:15 Fabian: [huffily] Fine.

0:57:19 Brennan: All right, you see he gives you each a little red slip then says,

0:57:21 Goldenhoard: Good grief, is there any other nonsense happening here? [pause] Good, behave yourselves. I'll see you in detention after school.

0:57:32 Gorgug: [to Fabian] I'm so sorry.

0:57:32 Brennan: Rad. [to Emily] You go to sneak in, and give me a Stealth check?

0:57:37 Emily: Oh, I don't know if that's really a skill I have. [clears throat] Hoo, okay. I got a nat 1.

0:57:49 Murph: [laughing] We’re all just instantly in such trouble.

0:57:52 Brennan: You walk into the teacher's lounge, you are in there for, what do you steal as you go in there? You just see those little, like-

0:58:00 Emily: I'm just going through the fridge, seeing what kind of food there is.

0:58:03 Fig: [rummaging with one hand, holding a cigarette in the other] Ugh, elf food, elf food-

0:58:03 Brennan: You see that there is a, you see that there is a little Tupperware container with a transparent steak in it. You can just like, partially see through, or ethereal, and you see it says “Ghost steak, please do not eat, for a ghost professor”.

0:58:18 Emily: Um yeah, I'm gonna eat that. I take the ghost steak and I just start eating it.

0:58:22 Brennan: You have a very fuckin' hard time grabbing it.

0:58:27 Fig: [attempting to grab it] Fuck, fuck.

0:58:27 Brennan: You see the door opens and this Vice Principal guy walks in and goes,

0:58:30 Goldenhoard: [stares in disbelief] Okay. Immediate detention. We are three for three, and it's, I mean, I'm about to ring the first bell.

0:58:39 Fig: [waving her cigarette] The crazy thing is, you're just playing into my hand. Welcome to my game, and you just did exactly what I wanted you to do.

0:58:48 Goldenhoard: I, I, I, I don't know you, right? This is baffling.

0:58:54 Fig: I know, that's why I was able to two-step around you.

0:58:57 Goldenhoard: Describe your two-step to me. How have you bamboozled me in this moment? Walk me through how you've bamboozled me.

0:59:03 Fig: All right, my plan all along was to get caught so I would get kicked out, and you are just scooting me along.

0:59:13 Emily: I put my combat boots up on the table.

0:59:16 Fig: What's the deal with that steak? I can't pick it up.

0:59:20 Goldenhoard: Right, it's for ghosts, that's ghost food. Now, I'm gonna be very honest with you. I don't think you fully know what detention means. You're not suspended.

0:59:31 Fig: Do you recognize me?

0:59:34 Brennan: You see, he looks at you and says,

0:59:34 Goldenhoard: Uh, no?

0:59:38 Fig: 'Cause last year I was on the cheer squad. I was one of the girls that they used to throw up into the sky 'cause I was so teeny tiny and cute.

0:59:48 Goldenhoard: ...I shouldn't be having a conversation with you alone in the teacher's lounge, get the fuck outta here! Get outta here, get out of here!

0:59:53 Fig: Okay, I'll leave.

0:59:53 Goldenhoard: Go, all right, good good.

0:59:56 Fig: Bye. What's your name again?

0:59:57 Goldenhoard: I'm Vice Principal Goldenhoard.

1:00:00 Fig: [to herself, taking drags from her cigarette] He's kinda cute.

1:00:00 Goldenhoard: Don't! Don't say that, shh, don't say that. Get out.

1:00:07 Brennan: He shoos you-

1:00:09 Fig: Well, maybe that's part of my plan too.

1:00:11 Brennan: -shuts the door. The rest of you guys walk through and you hear the PA kinda starts as the kids start, the first bell rings, kids start running off to class. You guys hear a little voice saying,

1:00:28 Goldenhoard: Students, one and all, welcome to another exciting year at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy. I am Vice Principal Goldenhoard, here with some announcements on your first day. Everyone should have received your locker assignments in the mail, make sure to go and put your things away for your first busy class day. Bells are five minutes between classes, and hall passes are ensorcelled, so no funny business. I've been told that lunch lady Doreen has made fine creamed corn and tuna surprise. Surprising indeed, what mysteries await in that dish. Also, during your time here, any matters of curriculum can be brought to the principal, Mr. Arthur Aguefort. Matters of discipline will be brought to me, your Vice Principal, and Ole Hawthorne, my paddle friend and cleaver of heinies! Don't worry, we use corporal punishment aplenty here at Aguefort, ha ha ha ha. Welcome, welcome, new class of heroes! [bell rings]

1:01:36 Riz: Whoo! [starts clapping] Emily and Zac clap.

1:01:38 Murph: Oh, Riz is clapping, he decides clapping is gonna make him seem cool, he's excited.

1:01:40 Riz: Right, no? Okay.

1:01:43 Zac: I'm clapping a little bit too because I picked up on-

1:01:46 Siobhan: I’m just working so hard to suppress a panic attack and hide the stupid fucking orb that I'm carrying.

1:01:53 Brennan: As you go to walking up the steps, those of you who are from, sort of like the kerfuffle that happened out here, you guys see that there are two seniors, one of them is a blonde haired giant looking senior jock kid who’s wearing his letter jacket, and the other one is a beautiful half-elf. They're both seniors, and you see that they're handing out little fliers that have ballots attached to them, and you see that the young woman, who's sort of half-elf, again, has got sort of the long, sort of brunette hair, a little flower tied into it, is going,

1:02:28 Penelope: [high perky voice] Hi, we're voting today to reinstate prom king and queen, Hi, we're voting today, we're having a vote today. Hi, can I interest you in a flier?

1:02:34 Riz: Yes, actually, hi. Riz Gukgak. Nice to meet you.

1:02:37 Penelope: Oh, [laughs] a handshake, cool.

1:02:39 Riz: Hi, yes--

1:02:39 Penelope: That's fun.

1:02:41 Riz: I actually have some literature for you. So I am,

1:02:43 Murph: I kinda open my briefcase.

1:02:46 Riz: I am kind of in the business of friend making right now. This has my phone number on it if you... [realizes what it sounds like] Platonic hangout.

1:02:56 Penelope: Sure.

1:02:56 Riz: Yeah.

1:02:58 Penelope: Yeah, for sure.

1:02:58 Riz: Kinda interested in getting in with the seniors and the jocks and whatnot.

1:03:02 Brennan: You see that this big jock paladin looking kid comes over and goes,

1:03:05 Jock: [dopey voice] Hey babe, what's up?

1:03:08 Riz: Hi, Riz Gukgak, so great to meet you. How are you?

1:03:11 Jock: Good.

1:03:13 Riz: Would you like a card as well?

1:03:14 Jock: What’s up?

1:03:15 Murph: I open my briefcase and I give him a card that has my phone number on it.

1:03:20 Jock: Oh, okay, do I throw this out right now?

1:03:27 Riz: No, we can start a group text, perhaps? We can send each other funny memes.

1:03:32 Jock: Sure, okay.

1:03:32 Brennan: You see he puts it away. You see that the girl says,

1:03:35 Penelope: Oh my god. You are so, friggin, cute, what is your name?

1:03:42 Riz: It's Riz. Riz Gukgak.

1:03:42 Penelope: I'm not gonna remember that, but you are fucking amazing.

1:03:46 Riz: Thank you.

1:03:49 Penelope: I'm Penelope Everpetal, and I kinda run a lot of the clubs, and yearbook and stuff here, so if you need any help, like, learning the ropes or learning about the school and all, I'm like happy to do that, and this is my boyfriend Dayne Blayde, who's the captain of the bloodrush team.

1:04:04 Riz: Dayne, you are freaking cool, man.

1:04:06 Dayne: Wazzup.

1:04:08 Riz: You seem cool as hell.

1:04:09 Dayne: Fuck, what's that?

1:04:09 Riz: Yeah, dude, yeah.

1:04:11 Dayne: Oh, sure dude, hell yeah.

1:04:11 Riz: Yeah.

1:04:14 Dayne: Do you, do you play bloodrush?

1:04:18 Riz: [pause] Mmm-hmm, go Owlbears, right, that's the team!

1:04:21 Brennan: You see a huge beefy looking half-orc, either a junior or a senior in a letter jacket comes over and slaps Dayne on the back and says,

1:04:29 Ragh: [deep voice] Yeah, he fuckin' plays bloodrush, he's the ball, dude. He's the fuckin' ball, dude! He's the fuckin' ball, dude!

1:04:38 Riz: I'm actually not the ball.

1:04:39 Ragh: You're the ball! That's your fuckin' name now. You're the ball.

1:04:41 Riz: Umm, well, it's actually Riz Gukgak! If you'd like some literature-

1:04:46 Murph: And I open my briefcase again-

1:04:48 Brennan: He, make an opposed Athletics check, if you'd be so kind?

1:04:52 Murph: [laughs] Oh no, it's a -2! [rolls die] A 4!

1:04:59 Brennan: You see that this half-orc grabs you and then stuffs you, as a ball, and just dunks you into a trashcan.

1:05:07 Ragh: Boom, that's what's up, dude! You're the Ball now! Everybody, this kid's name is Ball! If I hear you call this kid anything but Ball, it's your fuckin' ass!

1:05:16 Riz: I suppose I'm technically the ball this time, but not always!

1:05:23 Brennan: You see, Penelope goes,

1:05:23 Penelope: Dayne, get him to stop.

1:05:28 Brennan: And you see him go,

1:05:28 Dayne: Huh? Oh sure. Hey, Ragh. Dude, it's chill.

1:05:34 Brennan: And you see Ragh goes,

1:05:34 Ragh: [exhales] Yeah, okay. Sorry, dude, just, like, I see people fuck with you and it makes me wanna go fuckin' nuts, dude. I just fuckin' can't take it, man. Fuckin' love this team, go Owlbears!

1:05:50 Brennan: You see that they walk away. You see that Penelope looks over, Adaine, as you sorta walk up the steps. You see she goes,

1:05:57 Penelope: [gasps] I frickin' love your orb. That thing is huge.

1:06:01 Adaine: [winces] Thanks. My dad gave it to me, I don't want, do you want it?

1:06:10 Penelope: Do I want it?

1:06:10 Adaine: Yeah, I don't-

1:06:12 Penelope: [amused] No, I'm good, but thank you. You can keep your orb. Umm… Listen, I don't know if you have enough space to carry this with that giant orb you're carrying, but this is, it's a little ballot, we're basically having a vote, because for a long, long time, it's like never, Aguefort hasn't had a king and queen at prom, and me and my boyfriend Dayne are trying to, like, I’m, like, part of the yearbook club, and we're basically trying to, like, get that back, like, bring that tradition back.

1:06:39 Adaine: What does that mean? What does being prom king and queen mean?

1:06:44 Penelope: Well, there's a vote, right, that has, if enough students say they want it, we'll do a, like a vote and people can vote for prom king and queen, and they'll, like, have a special dance and it'll be really fun.

1:06:55 Adaine: [confused] They just get a special dance, that's what that means, is that-? Penelope’s smile fades.

1:06:58 Adaine: Yeah, okay, I'll vote. Yeah, I don't really understand.

1:07:03 Penelope: If you vote for it, and just like, as an aside, it's gonna be a lot easier for you here at Aguefort, 'cause I can tell you're a freshman. It's gonna be a lot easier if you ask less questions, 'cause, like, probably, like, it'll become clear the more time you spend-

1:07:16 Adaine: [under her breath] That's actually “fewer questions”.

1:07:17 Penelope: Sorry?

1:07:17 Adaine: [shakes head] No, okay, I'll sign it.

1:07:20 Brennan: Dayne looks at the other guy and says,

1:07:22 Dayne: [eyes half closed] Babe, it's fewer questions, less questions is wrong, grammatically.

1:07:25 Brennan: You see she's like,

1:07:25 Penelope: Fine, Dayne.

1:07:28 Brennan: She says,

1:07:28 Penelope: Okay, so why don't you just, like, take the ballot-

1:07:33 Adaine: Yeah, I'll take it, I'll take it, thank you.

1:07:35 Penelope: And you can vote-

1:07:35 Adaine: Yeah, I'll vote. Where do I, where do I, where do I vote?

1:07:37 Penelope: There's little boxes out in front of the assembly which we're going to now.

1:07:38 Adaine: Oh, great.

1:07:40 Penelope: Welcome.

1:07:40 Adaine: [smiles hesitantly] Thank you.

1:07:42 Penelope: Cute outfit, it's like, it’s like, you go to a different school than here. [fake smiles] Fun! Let me know if you need help stashing that orb. Adaine begins to have trouble breathing.

1:07:57 Brennan: So you guys walk along. You see that at that main hall, this guy comes over and he's this big human wearing sweatpants, got a little baseball cap and a whistle around his neck and a giant glowing spear with holy light. You see that he claps Dayne and Ragh on the back. You see that, he, Ragh is looking at you [points to Murph] in the trash can and the guy goes like,

1:08:16 Coach Daybreak: [folksy] Ah, there are my boys, there are my bruisers, there's Ragh and Dayne, heck yeah!

1:08:24 Brennan: You see he looks around at the two players, and he looks over at you, [points to Ally] and you recognize him from church, from the Cathedral of Sol. And you see he goes,

1:08:30 Daybreak: Ah, that's great, Kristen! What are you doing here?

1:08:36 Kristen: Oh, I go here now, it's my first day. Good to see you!

1:08:37 Daybreak: Ah, it's great to have you, kiddo, that's great, I love that.

1:08:43 Brennan: I'm gonna need you to make an opposed Athletics check.

1:08:46 Ally: Great. Uhhhh, what is, where's Athletics? Oh, 2, 7.

1:08:56 Murph: We're all just getting our asses kicked.

1:08:58 Ally: Yeah, yeah.

1:08:58 Brennan: You see that you are shoved to the ground and your backpack goes everywhere and your Bible sort of spills out of your hand.

1:09:09 Kristen: No!

1:09:10 Brennan: And you see that there is a tall, looks like an elf, but his skin is deathly pale. He’s got black hair hanging, and he's got a mesh shirt with a belt, kind of diagonal across it, and sort of bondage pants, like, used for that kind of Hot Topic look, and you see he's got a rat on his shoulder. And he's got spiderweb designs on some fingerless gloves. And you see he goes,

1:09:33 Zayn Darkshadow: [moody] What's up, cleric? How's it going?

1:09:37 Kristen: Did you do that on purpose?

1:09:42 Zayn: I don't know. Did God curse us to live on purpose?

1:09:46 Kristen: Ooh, let's see, let's start from the beginning, okay? Any curse you may feel is probably human-made, because we were all made just a little bit off.

1:09:56 Zayn: Oh, I know I was made off. My heart is fuckin' broken.

1:10:00 Kristen: Okay, look.

1:10:00 Brennan: You see that the coach helps you up and hands your Bible to you and goes like,

1:10:05 Daybreak: Hey, Zayn, do me a favor, pal and beat it, huh? Why don't you beat it?

1:10:11 Brennan: You see that Zayn says,

1:10:11 Zayn: I don't know, why don't we all just beat it?

1:10:16 Brennan: He turns into bats.

1:10:17 Kristen: I'll pray for you, Zayn!

1:10:20 Brennan: You see that the coach shakes his head and he goes,

1:10:22 Coach: That kid is a piece of work. He got kicked out of the theater department and he's taking it hard.

1:10:30 Kristen: Who gets kicked out of the theater department? That's where you go when you're kicked out of anywhere else.

1:10:34 Daybreak: Yeah, exactly. He's having a hard time. But hey, it's really good to have you here. And you know, if you ever need anything, come talk to me. I am happy to help you out, all right?

1:10:46 Kristen: Yeah, thanks, it's good to see you.

1:10:48 Daybreak: Good to see you too, and wait, you can't say it too loud, 'cause there's a bunch of people of all kinds here, but praise be to Helio, huh? Go corn god.

1:10:54 Kristen: Yes, yeah. Praise be to Helio.

1:10:56 Brennan: You guys all leave this place and end up in the assembly hall. It's a big auditorium, you guys are all there together. Riz, I assume you get out-

1:11:05 Murph: I’m covered in trash. I couldn't get it all off.

1:11:10 Brennan: You guys gather, and you see a man step out in a purple corduroy suit, and he's got an umbrella. Very dark dark skin, and a monocle, and this long white beard that goes past his waist. He's got a little watch fob and a monocle on a little chain, and you see that he steps out to the podium, you see he produces, as if from air, a little saucer with a teacup on it and steps to the podium, being introduced, of course, first by, from off stage,

1:11:44 Goldenhoard: Ladies and gentlemen, your principal, Mr. Arthur Aguefort! Riz claps, looks around and stops clapping. Kristen looks up and claps.

1:11:55 Brennan: You see that the sort of this old wizardly man steps out and says,

1:11:59 Aguefort: [old wizard voice, strained] [quiet dramatic music plays in the background] Welcome, one and all to another exciting year here at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy, where we train the next generation of adventurers. And what is an adventurer? One who goes on adventures. I say that an adventurer is a hero, and what is a hero? A hero is someone with the strength of heart, courage of spirit, and the might of will to go to strange lands and enact violence on things there. We go to places where there are things that must be destroyed, and we destroy them. Wandering from town to town, getting into trouble, meeting in drop houses and taverns and getting into scrapes with the law and otherwise finding ourselves engaged in all matters of tomfoolery and shenanigans, sometimes violent, sometimes fatal. Yes, fatal, and a hero is a violent wanderer who enacts their will bloodily and with strange magicks upon the world. But does a hero truly stand alone? Ha ha ha, no, the strength of the hero is the strength of the party, and what is a party? A gathering of friends, perhaps with some alcoholic beverages, some fun music, ha ha ha, a jape! For all of you, a party is a group that comes together to embellish each other's strengths and eradicate each other's weaknesses. A party is composed of those who have sworn themselves to each other, to make themselves greater than the sum of their parts. Perhaps we have flaws within us, perhaps we don't cast magic and we need someone who can cast magic to help us when we need magic. Perhaps we're very tough and we can sustain a lot of injuries, but we need somebody who is very good at hurting people there with us as well. Perhaps we need a sneaky person to sneak. Not always, sometimes you don't need that, but occasionally, in circumstances where you do need one, you really need one, right, with traps and other things like that. That is the meaning of party, and party is the meaning of hero. Never forget, all of you, [drinks his tea] Ugh, it's bad. Never forget that the greatest magic of all is chronomancy, the magic of time. Welcome to your first year, freshmen, at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy!

1:15:11 Brennan: He turns into light, and disappears. Kristen claps.

1:15:15 Emily: My hand was on the fire drill the whole time, to pull it, but I was so moved by that that I actually took it off.

1:15:22 Zac: I was looking for a pencil that whole time.

1:15:24 Emily: Yeah, it was really cool.

1:15:26 Brennan: After that, a bunch of different classes open up. You see that Goldenhoard sort of says,

1:15:32 Goldenhoard: We have some orientation events today for those that are interested in matters of the arcane,we'll have an arcane orientation happening in room 212. We'll also have a number of tryouts and battle orientations and things of that nature. Please file out, obviously we don't want to corral you into a class without your own choosing, so be wise and find the best fit for you. Very well! Enjoy, students.

1:15:59 Brennan: You see that students begin to sort of file off, the freshmen, at least, sort of filing off towards the different orientations and things like that.

1:16:05 Emily: I wanna find lunch lady Doreen.

1:16:09 Brennan: Cool, yeah, you can go find lunch lady Doreen, you go over to the lunch and you see the lady Doreen there, a thin sort of looking woman with a little cigarette hangin' out of her lip. She looks over at you and as you walk into the cafeteria and goes,

1:16:20 Doreen: [deep, raspy voice] Oh, lunch is not served for awhile, sweetheart.

1:16:24 Fig: No, I came to talk to you, because I feel like you have the only honest profession here and, also, you're allowed to smoke at work which I think is really cool.

1:16:31 Doreen: I'm not allowed to smoke at work.

1:16:33 Fig: Oh. Well, but you do it anyways, which shows that you have a spirit that I really admire. So I was wondering, maybe I should just be taking classes with you.

1:16:40 Doreen: You wanna be a lunch lady?

1:16:43 Fig: Maybe.

1:16:43 Doreen: Okay.

1:16:45 Fig: I just respect what you're doing. Everyone else is trying to do all these lofty things, and you're just being you. You're just so true compared to everyone else.

1:16:53 Doreen: Okay.

1:16:53 Fig: So real.

1:16:55 Doreen: Okay, you wanna do, you wanna work?

1:16:59 Fig: Mmmm.

1:17:02 Brennan: You see she tosses a crowbar to you and says--

1:17:03 Emily: I don't, I just let it drop.

1:17:06 Doreen: There's an industrial, we gotta buncha drums of creamed corn off the back of a tr-

1:17:11 Fig: Drums?

1:17:12 Doreen: Yeah, y’know, like a drum?

1:17:12 Fig: Yeah, okay cool, yeah. I'll go work with that.

1:17:16 Doreen: Yeah, yes, it must have fallen or something, 'cause the corn was all dinged up so I had a fucking hard time opening that thing, but you're welcome to go try.

1:17:26 Fig: Wait, so that you're having' a hard time opening the drum, there's a big old drum right? There's a bunch of drums? Presumably-

1:17:31 Brennan: She points to a bunch of metallic oil drums in the back, like big metal canisters.

1:17:36 Emily: Cool yeah, I just go there and start playing the drums.

1:17:38 Brennan: She looks over and she goes,

1:17:40 Doreen: What the fuck are you doin'? What the fuck are you doin'?

1:17:44 Fig: Music isn't, music isn't confined to the stage at the Black Pit, you know, it's anywhere.

1:17:54 Brennan: Make a Performance check.

1:17:54 Emily: Whoo, yeah! Oh come on, hook me up, 17.

1:18:00 Brennan: It gets really STOMP in here, and you see that she goes like,

1:18:07 Doreen: Okay, okay, that is a little funky, that's good, I like it. You know, I wasn't always a lunch lady, I used to get around when I was young.

1:18:14 Fig: Oooh!

1:18:20 Doreen: Ah, we’ll talk about it sometime. Listen, you got a gift for that. You're really talented.

1:18:30 Fig: Thank you, I know that I'm not gonna learn any of that here, I'll learn stupid stuff. Well, actually, I kinda liked everything the guy was saying.

1:18:36 Brennan: You see she says,

1:18:38 Doreen: You know, you might be right, there might not be much of you to learn here, but you know what, it's not gonna hurt you to go see what the bullshit is they're sellin', right? Why not go check in on the enemy, see what all the squares are talking about.

1:18:52 Fig: Oh, shit, there's so many good role models here. I'm gonna take you up on that.

1:18:57 Doreen: Hey, you're a real sweet kid, come back anytime.

1:18:59 Fig: I will, I bet I'll come back once a day.

1:19:01 Doreen: All right, oh, because you eat lunch in this room.

1:19:05 Fig: Yeah.

1:19:05 Doreen: Yeah, that makes sense.

1:19:07 Fig: Yeah.

1:19:07 Doreen: Okay, you have a good one, sweetie.

1:19:08 Fig: Okay, bye Doreen.

1:19:10 Doreen: You can call me Doreen. [blows a kiss]

1:19:11 Fig: Okay, bye Doreen.

1:19:13 Brennan: Adaine, you are walking past the library, as you are walking past it, roll a Perception check.

1:19:23 Siobhan: 12?

1:19:26 Brennan: You notice a very old, sort of a very old woman human librarian, who has a little velvet rope and closes it over a little restricted section, and you see that there is a book lying on a little table right near the entrance of the restricted section.

1:19:49 Siobhan: Umm. [inhales] Is it light enough that I can use Mage Hand?

1:19:53 Brennan: You need an Investigation check to try to clock the weight of the object at this distance. [die clatters]

1:19:59 Siobhan: 16?

1:19:59 Brennan: Yeah, for sure.

1:20:01 Siobhan: Great, I cast Mage Hand as her back is turned and I take the book.

1:20:08 Brennan: The book zips from the restricted section of the library. The book that now rests in your hand is titled Wards and Watches, and it's an abjuration book, it's a very very powerful abjuration book.

1:20:22 Siobhan: Great, I very quickly put it in my backpack, and then I panic, 'cause I'm like, why am I doing this, nobody can see me do this, my stupid sister just told me to do this and I don't know why I'm doing it, and now I have a book that I've definitely stolen and I can't tell them that I've stolen it.

1:20:35 Brennan: Please make a panic attack check, like a-

1:20:38 Siobhan: 5.

1:20:41 Brennan: You go into a full blown panic attack.

1:20:43 Adaine: Shit, oh god, oh my god.

1:20:47 Ally: I come up.

1:20:47 Brennan: You wind up in the hallway, yeah.

1:20:49 Kristen: Hey are you okay?

1:20:51 Adaine: [struggling to breathe] No.

1:20:51 Fig: I saw what you did and I thought it was pretty awesome.

1:20:56 Adaine: [labored breathing] Oh god, no, the goth kid thinks I'm cool.

1:20:58 Fig: That was so cool.

1:20:58 Kristen: Oh, I like your giant orb. Here, let me make it glow.

1:21:03 Ally: I cast Light on her giant orb.

1:21:05 Brennan: You are now glowing in the middle of a crowd of children. Vice Principal Goldenhoard walks up and goes,

1:21:12 Goldenhoard: Very nice use of the Light cantrip. What is your name, young student?

1:21:18 Kristen: Oh, I'm Kristen Applebees.

1:21:20 Goldenhoard: Kristen Applebees, wonderful to meet you. I'm Vice Principal Goldenhoard.

1:21:24 Kristen: Oh, hi.

1:21:25 Goldenhoard: Young lady, are you all right?

1:21:27 Adaine: [very softly] I found this book.

1:21:27 Goldenhoard: You found-

1:21:30 Brennan: Make a Bluff check for me, with disadvantage.

1:21:35 Siobhan: What's dis-- what what?

1:21:38 Brennan: You roll two D20 and take the worse result.

1:21:40 Siobhan: Okay, great.

1:21:43 Zac: Oh my god, a 20 and a 2. [shouts of dismay]

1:21:46 Murph: That's just a 2.

1:21:50 Brennan: Just a 2, I’m afraid! You see that Vice Principal says,

1:21:56 Goldenhoard: Sorry, you found a book?

1:21:59 Fig: She's covering for me, I stole it and she caught me stealing it.

1:22:02 Adaine: [stammering] No, I didn't, I didn't, she didn't steal, I stole it, I'm so sorry, I, I was, I was, I was t... I'm sorry I'm new, I don't know what I'm doing.

1:22:11 Kristen: We all fall short of the grace of God.

1:22:14 Goldenhoard: [to Kristen] Mm, you know I wouldn't, that's a bit strong for this, I would say, that's a bit strong. [to Adaine] This is not appropriate, that you've done this. [to Kristen] Kristen, would you mind taking the book to Principal Aguefort's office for me?

1:22:27 Kristen: Yeah, sure.

1:22:27 Goldenhoard: Go ahead, take the book.

1:22:31 Brennan: You see that he looks at you and says,

1:22:34 Goldenhoard: Now, young lady, what was your name?

1:22:39 Adaine: Adaine Abernant.

1:22:39 Goldenhoard: Miss Abernant. Oh yes, you come to us from Hudol. I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you detention. So you'll be staying late after school today. Do you understand? All right, this is not fun for me. You're clearly having a bad time. I'm second guessing what I'm doing, even as I'm doing it, wondering if there's some medical stuff going on that I don't know about,but I'm going to do it, as I've already talked out loud and other students can hear this.

1:23:10 Fig: Yeah, I can hear it all, hi.

1:23:12 Goldenhoard: Hey, for real, we're not gonna do this. You think we have a thing,but that's where you're wrong. We don't have a thing. You have a thing.

1:23:20 Fig: Who's running detention?

1:23:22 Goldenhoard: Good grief, all right, you are going to detention, here's your slip, hands you the slip.

1:23:32 Lou: Bloodrush trials? *

1:23:32 Brennan: Bloodrush trials, yes! Let's do it, we are all on the field, baby. Everyone's out there, Dayne Blayde is out there, Ragh Barkrock is out there, and you see that Coach Daybreak is out there as well. You see that, what you do is you approach the pitch.

1:23:48 Fabian: Well, uh, hello comrades!

1:23:51 Brennan: Everyone looks at you wearing the letter jacket.

1:23:55 Fabian: Dayne, good to see you,saw you and your friend deal with that little goblin earlier. Oh hohoho, good stuff. That was miraculous, you just crushed him up, Ball! That's, I like that. I'll call him Ball when I see him.

1:24:12 Dayne: Oh, okay, what's your--

1:24:12 Brennan: Dayne speaks up and says,

1:24:17 Dayne: Okay, I'm super confused, 'cause you're talking to me like you're important, but I don't know you.

1:24:25 Fabian: Oh, heh heh. It's my first day, you probably, I'm Fabian Seacaster,Bill Seacaster's son, the great adventurer, Bill Seacaster? I'm his son Fabian, and I'm going to be on the bloodrush team, so it's exciting to meet you and get to know you and-

1:24:43 Brennan: Make an Insight check for me.

1:24:50 Lou: 15.

1:24:52 Brennan: You notice that these players look to Coach Daybreak, whose jaw is set as you mention your father, and you see that Dayne looks up at you, looks up at the coach and sort of, all of these boys are looking off their coach's expression, basically. You see that Dayne turns to you and says,

1:25:15 Dayne: Oh, that's right, yeah, your dad's the richest guy in town, right?

1:25:18 Fabian: [excitedly] Yes, that's him.

1:25:18 Dayne: Yeah, pirate.

1:25:21 Fabian: Yes, what, I'm sorry,I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Privateer, my father's a privateer.

1:25:30 Brennan: You see Ragh says,

1:25:30 Ragh: I don't know what that word means.

1:25:35 Fabian: It means where you would, in conjunction with different enterprises and things, he wasn't just running around just raping and pillaging like pirates do, that's not my father. My father worked, he was charged with tasks and adventures, ah.

1:25:52 Ragh: For real, dude, I've never heard somebody that plays bloodrush talk like you. You're using all kinda words that are just like, sphew, shwee, sphh.

1:26:01 Fabian: Well, I mean, yeah, I'm one of a kind.

1:26:05 Brennan: You see Ragh says,

1:26:05 Ragh: Yeah, I bet you are one of a kind. One of a kind of a bad person.

1:26:15 Fabian: Ah, what a witty barb. That's good stuff.

1:26:18 Brennan: You see that Coach Daybreak leans in, says,

1:26:21 Daybreak: All right, guys, we're gonna have some tryouts now. Let's everyone lay off of Fabian here. Fabian's father made his money outside of the nation of Solace. Part of the laws of Solace Is that the things you did in the outside world can be forgiven under the national amnesty if you swear on the charter, right, we got people that live in the forests of the Nightmare King or in the Red Waste. They wanna come here and make a better life for themself. The council forgives that. They allow people to not have to live down their past, even if they did all kinds of things that they're still benefiting from.

1:27:07 Fabian: Yeah, well, it doesn't matter anymore, right?

1:27:10 Daybreak: That's right, kid. Well, let's get this tryout started, huh?

1:27:13 Fabian: Yes, let's get this tryout started.

1:27:15 Brennan: You see he says,

1:27:15 Daybreak: Well,why don't we start you out with some running drills, huh?

1:27:20 Fabian: Fantastic.

1:27:20 Brennan: Go ahead and give me some Athletics checks.

1:27:23 Lou: Great. Oh, and a nat 20.

1:27:28 Brennan: You run the fucking field on these guys. You're like 16 and you are fully flatlining seniors. You take Ragh Barkrock,who's the huge half orc, second in command guy, fling down to the ground, no sweat. He looked up at you and says,

1:27:48 Ragh: This guy fuckin' cheated, dude, fuckin' cheated, man.

1:27:52 Fabian: Oh, Ragh, [laughs] another one of those witty barbs of yours. I did not cheat.

1:27:57 Brennan: You see that he goes into a full rage and Dayne says,

1:28:00 Dayne: He’s doing it!

1:28:03 Brennan: And jumps on him and his friends all restrain him. Coach Daybreak comes over and he says,

1:28:08 Daybreak: [begrudgingly] All right, well there, fancy boy, you got some moves on you, I'll give you that.

1:28:13 Fabian: Oh, uh, fancy boy, [wrinkles his nose] that's a fun nickname. Is that gonna be my nickname, like Ball? I'm Fancy Boy? I like it.

1:28:19 Daybreak: Well you got a, you got real chops. Let's see how you do throwin'.

1:28:24 Brennan: You see Dayne looks up and goes,

1:28:24 Dayne: What?

1:28:27 Brennan: You see he says,

1:28:27 Daybreak: Yeah, let's see how he does throwin', I wanna see it.

1:28:31 Brennan: The coach sets up a play with people running around you, so there's a scrimmage, there's the other side of the bloodrush field, big stone, you're not on grass, it's actually like a weird stone. This is actually it, right there. [points to set] The coach sets up a scrimmage where you're gonna make, the idea is for you to pass to somebody, basically, you're sort of quarterbacking, effectively. As you get started, go ahead and make me a Perception check real quick.

1:29:04 Lou: Critical failure.

1:29:08 Murph: 20 to 1.

1:29:13 Siobhan: You're havin' a day.

1:29:13 Emily: That's so funny, 20 to 1. Such a great [unintelligible]

1:29:15 Brennan: 20 to 1, okay, now go ahead and make me an Athletics check.

1:29:17 Lou: Great, that's what I prefer. 22.

1:29:22 Brennan: Fuck yeah. He gets you the ball and he's like,

1:29:26 Dayne: We wanna see how you pass.

1:29:27 Brennan: You... Let me roll a little opposed check. Okay. He sets you up, you survey the field, and you see a bunch of people that you could pass to, but all the people that you could pass to are kind of like losers that you just fucking either clotheslined or rope-a-doped or moved around.

1:29:55 Lou: Of course, of course.

1:29:55 Brennan: As the lines charge each other, you see a little opening that you could break through.

1:30:01 Lou: Oh, I'll take it.

1:30:06 Brennan: You charge forward. Your team looks like, what the fuck is going on? You effortlessly dodge and weave through all of the other athletes and fucking get to, what do you do when you get to the end zone?

1:30:19 Lou: I place the ball down gently.

1:30:22 Fabian: Good game, I liked that, those plays went real nice, Dayne? Dayne, good stuff, my man.

1:30:28 Dayne: The hell, you didn't throw the ball, dude.

1:30:31 Fabian: Well, it worked out best,I thought, for the play.

1:30:34 Ragh: Yeah, you know what? You didn't throw the ball because you have bad thoughts about what to do.

1:30:40 Fabian: Ragh? Ragh! This is funny. Does he, do we all, does Ragh roast us often? This is fun.

1:30:51 Brennan: Coach Daybreak looks at you and says,

1:30:52 Daybreak: You can hit the showers, bud.

1:30:56 Fabian: Oh. Great, great. Does anybody, I'll see all you boys on the hill.

1:31:00 Brennan: Nobody else starts to leave and you notice it.

1:31:03 Fabian: I'll meet you over there!

1:31:04 Brennan: He says,

1:31:04 Daybreak: You're not on the team.

1:31:08 Fabian: I'm sorry. What? I'm sorry, what?

1:31:14 Daybreak: You're not on the team.

1:31:17 Fabian: [stammer] But I-- I ran faster and I. [quietly] My father paid you. My father paid you money.

1:31:22 Daybreak: [loudly] What the hell did you just say?

1:31:24 Brennan: You see all the other students look around and he says,

1:31:26 Daybreak: Buddy, you got a big mouth and no heart, you will never be an Owlbear.

1:31:33 Brennan: You see that he goes, he takes a red slip out.

1:31:36 Daybreak: That's detention, pal.

1:31:38 Fabian: You know what, you know what, that's fine. 'Cause clearly, clearly I'm better than all of you at-- at bloodrush, all right. You know what? I don't need this, and I don't need any of you, and you know what, Ragh, none of your jokes are funny. I didn't like any of them.

1:31:54 Ragh: What the hell? That's not what you said!

1:31:56 Brennan: Ragh bursts into tears, and the other, Dayne goes like,

1:31:59 Dayne: That's fucked up, dude. It's fucked up to tell a guy his jokes are bad.

1:32:08 Brennan: You see that coach says,

1:32:08 Daybreak: Good luck. You got all the moves in the world, but it means nothing if you don't play on a team, kid. You'll learn that the hard way.

1:32:18 Fabian: [dismissively] Oh, I'm sure I will.

1:32:20 Brennan: Fabian heads off. We'll move over to Riz real quick. Riz, you are walking down the hallway towards one of your other classes, nobody's been able to find the rogue teacher anywhere, and then it, sort of, word started to spread around that that's the deal on the first day, is you have to find the rogue teacher.

1:32:46 Murph: All right, so I'm just, can I do a roll to-

1:32:49 Brennan: Do an Investigation check.

1:32:49 Murph: Investigation check, okay. Lookin' around the halls, sniffin' around with my, ooh, that's not good. What'd I get, 11.

1:33:03 Brennan: 11, you are out near the front of the school and you see that one of the students is talking to, who looks like a sort of lavender-skinned elf, very beautiful, and she's speaking to this guy who's like, got a black leather jacket and a white t-shirt, and tight jeans, who's next to a big motorcycle and he's this tiefling, big horns, he looks like-

1:33:30 Emily: Daddy?

1:33:33 Brennan: He looks like, a little bit too old to be a student, he's kinda got an arm on her waist, and he's leaning against his motorcycle. They're out in the front, near the driveway. And you just see this, sort of, couple and she's kind of talking to him, and he's sort of like, greaser-looking tiefling guy. A big old horns swept back,and she's sort of giggling and he's sort of smiling and laughing at her, and you see that Penelope Everpetal who was sort of the popular girl who was handing out fliers, walks up and says,

1:34:05 Penelope: Hi, Sam, can I talk to you real quick? I don't mean to interrupt you and your boyfriend who hangs out around the school and doesn't go here.

1:34:17 Brennan: What are you gonna do as you see this?

1:34:19 Murph: I guess I'll try to kind of hide and sneak up and listen to their conversation.

1:34:26 Brennan: Awesome.

1:34:27 Murph: So that is a 23 for Stealth.

1:34:33 Brennan: Awesome, 23?

1:34:33 Murph: Yeah.

1:34:35 Brennan: Oh, fuck yeah, you see that, as you get closer, you see that it's actually not an elf, that Sam, her hair is flowing slightly, and she's a water genasi, right, so she's like a water elemental kinda thing. You see she says,

1:34:47 Sam: [higher voice, soft] Penelope, um, I'm busy right now. Johnny is just stopping by real quick and I can talk to you after school.

1:34:56 Brennan: And she goes,

1:34:56 Penelope: Um, now, Sam, would be good.

1:35:00 Brennan: You see that the guy, the tiefling, sorta looks over and he's looking at Penelope with that face of a weirdo adult hanging out at a high school, just like, you're not the person I'm dating and I have no facial expression as I'm watching you, just like. You see that--

1:35:15 Murph: I guess I'll try and I'll sneak up behind him and I'll tap on his back.

1:35:25 Brennan: His arms are engulfed with green flame and he turns around and says,

1:35:27 Johnny: [raspy greaser voice] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch the jacket, kid.

1:35:30 Riz: Sorry.

1:35:35 Johnny: You have any idea who you're talking to?

1:35:37 Riz: Johnny?

1:35:37 Johnny: Johnny Spells.

1:35:43 Riz: Do you go here?

1:35:43 Brennan: You see he puts on sunglasses,

1:35:45 Johnny: Hell no, I don't go here.

1:35:47 Riz: No?

1:35:47 Johnny: No, that's my girlfriend.

1:35:50 Brennan: You see that Sam waves and says,

1:35:51 Sam: Hi, can I help you?

1:35:51 Riz: I'm friends with your friend.

1:35:56 Murph: And I point to the cheerleader girl.

1:35:58 Brennan: You see, Penelope says,

1:35:58 Penelope: Oh my god, are you the ball from earlier?

1:36:03 Riz: Yeah

1:36:03 Murph: I turn to Johnny Spells

1:36:03 Riz: They call me Ball.

1:36:07 Johnny: Why do they call you Ball?

1:36:09 Riz: 'Cause I ball, dude.

1:36:09 Johnny: I don't believe that.

1:36:12 Riz: Ball.

1:36:12 Johnny: I don't believe you.

1:36:13 Riz: I got shoved in a garbage can, okay, man?

1:36:15 Johnny: Tough, I know what it's like to get shit on. [crosses his arms and leans back]

1:36:22 Riz: So you, where you from man? I live at the Strongtower Luxury Apartments, just me and my mom.

1:36:27 Johnny: Where I'm from is the same place I'm goin', buddy, nowhere.

1:36:35 Murph: Could I get a Perception check if this dude actually rules or-- 'Cause right now, I think he rules. That is a, it's only a 9.

1:36:48 Brennan: This dude fuckin' rules.

1:36:51 Murph: Cool.

1:36:51 Brennan: You see Sam says,

1:36:53 Sam: Johnny, I gotta go deal with Penelope. Are you okay if we meet up later?

1:36:57 Brennan: And he goes,

1:36:57 Johnny: Yeah babe, maybe, I don't know, I might be busy, I'll see you around kid.

1:37:04 Brennan: He fucking takes off on his motorcycle.

1:37:06 Murph: [laughing] Johnny Spells!

1:37:08 Zac: You think Johnny Spells rules.

1:37:11 Brennan: You see that Sam looks over at you and goes like,

1:37:14 Sam: He totally rules.

1:37:14 Riz: He seems pretty cool.

1:37:17 Sam: [sighing dreamily] Johnny Spells.

1:37:17 Riz: How did you meet Johnny?

1:37:20 Sam: He hangs around the high school.

1:37:22 Murph: [yikes in his eyes] Oooh.

1:37:24 Riz: No, he seems awesome. How old is he?

1:37:28 Sam: I don't know, I think he's like, he had a birthday and I think he gave a real ID and could drink, so, I think 21, maybe?

1:37:35 Riz: Right, cool. Do you know, has he dated anybody else at this school?

1:37:40 Brennan: You see that Penelope says,

1:37:40 Penelope: Sam, we're going.

1:37:44 Brennan: and make an Insight check.

1:37:49 Murph: 18 plus... 22 total.

1:37:54 Brennan: Penelope didn't like that.

1:37:54 Murph: Mmkay.

1:37:57 Brennan: She didn't like that you said that at all. She grabs Sam and runs into the school.

1:38:03 Murph: Not so sure about Johnny Spells. Cool, so I guess I will follow them in.

1:38:10 Brennan: Cool, you follow them in and you see them duck into the girl's changing room and you hear Sam say,

1:38:20 Sam: What, Penny's gone.

1:38:25 Brennan: And you see she says,

1:38:25 Penelope: I fucking know, Sam, but now we need to talk about what happens next.

1:38:31 Brennan: And the door closes.

1:38:34 Murph: [pointing to the rest of the cast] Are any of these guys around?

1:38:35 Brennan: Nope, not that you can see.

1:38:38 Murph: I guess I, oh boy. Riz runs to try to find a girl to help him.

1:38:48 Brennan: Make an Investigation check.

1:38:48 Murph: Cool. [hums] 18.

1:38:54 Brennan: Cool, make a Persuasion check.

1:38:55 Murph: Okay. 21.

1:39:01 Brennan: Awesome, cool. You see that there's this extremely bejeweled dwarven girl, she's got little sideburns that go down to these little wispy strands, jewelry everywhere. She's hanging out with some friends near the water fountain as you approach her.

1:39:13 Riz: Okay, so. You've got a lot of jewels, and I can tell that you like stuff, I will give you my, I will give you my frickin' briefcase if you'll go into that changing room and tell me what those girls are saying. I think one of them has a crush on one of my friends.

1:39:34 Brennan: You see, she says,

1:39:34 Ostentatia: [teen girl, dubious] Your briefcase?

1:39:38 Riz: Okay, well, what do you want, what do you want?

1:39:41 Brennan: You see that she says,

1:39:41 Ostentatia: I don't know, give me 20 gold pieces.

1:39:47 Riz: I know, what if I, I, is there anything from the school you want? I'll take something for you.

1:39:53 Brennan: She says,

1:39:53 Ostentatia: Umm, okay, yeah. Umm, steal me a teabag of that gross tea that Principal Aguefort is always drinking.

1:39:59 Riz: Yeah, sure. Okay, will you go in there now?

1:40:03 Ostentatia: Go give me the teabag.

1:40:03 Riz: Fine, okay.

1:40:05 Murph: I run off to go find a teabag.

1:40:07 Brennan: Cool, you go, you find Principal Aguefort's office. Go ahead and tell me how you're getting in. The door is locked.

1:40:15 Murph: [frustrated] Mmmmm. I guess I'll try to, try to unlock it?

1:40:22 Brennan: Cool.

1:40:22 Murph: I guess, what skill would that be, like Sleight of Hand or?

1:40:25 Brennan: Yeah, make a perception then make a Sleight of Hand.

1:40:27 Murph: Okay.

1:40:27 Brennan: That actually is a tool proficiency that I think you have.

1:40:29 Murph: Ah, okay. So I did bad on whatever that was, Perception was a 4.

1:40:34 Brennan: Cool, 4 is bad.

1:40:34 Murph: It's a door.

1:40:36 Brennan: And then roll again.

1:40:36 Murph: Okay. Oh boy, Sleight of Hand, 7.

1:40:45 Brennan: You mess with the door, and the door actually opens.

1:40:51 Murph: Sweet, I look for this tea.

1:40:54 Brennan: You walk in and see Vice Principal Goldenhoard.

1:40:57 Goldenhoard: Immediate detention! All right, look at that, wild. We are up to five on Day 1, these just happened during the day, that's good, all right.

1:41:09 Murph: I run and try to grab his tea.

1:41:11 Brennan: He looks at you. Go ahead and make an opposed Athletics check. You can do Acrobatics.

1:41:19 Murph: Okay, good. 21!

1:41:23 Brennan: You grab it and bounce.

1:41:23 Riz: I'm so sorry. I'll go to detention later, I promise.

1:41:27 Goldenhoard: You have to go to detention!

1:41:28 Brennan: You see he's just barreling down the hallway after you. You run, find the dwarven girl. She says,

1:41:34 Ostentatia: Oh my god,you actually got it?

1:41:36 Riz: Yeah, I got it.

1:41:36 Ostentatia: You're a fuckin' freak.

1:41:38 Goldenhoard: [bellowing] Riz Gukgak! Get back here!

1:41:41 Brennan: She goes,

1:41:41 Ostentatia: All right, I'll go listen, fuckin' weirdo.

1:41:44 Brennan: And she heads off, you see Goldenhoard, [panting] you see there's sort of fire coming out from his mouth.

1:41:51 Goldenhoard: [panting] Makin' me run, that's wild, that's a wild thing for you to do. Oh, here we go, detention.

1:41:55 Riz: Thank you, sir. Well deserved.

1:41:59 Brennan: Cool, towards the end of the day, when you're all back in the assembly hall, and Principal Aguefort says,

1:42:05 Aguefort: Concluding this, our first day today, at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy, we will now begin the wonderful process of the day of fellowship, you all have the rest of the afternoon to meet with the friends you've made and form your first adventuring parties. This most critical afternoon will be you banding together for the rest of your time here at Aguefort, I hope you will find the people that you have the most in common with and that you feel the most excited about becoming heroes and solving the problems of the world through violence and strange arcana.

1:42:49 Brennan: You see that Vice Principal Goldenhoard grabs the mic and says,

1:42:52 Goldenhoard: Except for those with detention. You will be expected in detention.

1:42:56 Brennan: You see Coach Daybreak comes over to you, Kristen.

1:43:01 Daybreak: Hey, Kristen, I wanted to talk to you real quick. A lot of the adventuring parties are kinda forming this afternoon, do you have any idea about who you'd wanna maybe form an adventuring party with?

1:43:20 Kristen: Anyone who isn't already religious.

1:43:23 Daybreak: Sorry?

1:43:23 Kristen: Y’know, I really like the church, I really like the community and stuff like that, but I really wanted to come to this school and meet people who are not non-believers, just not believers yet, y’know, pre-believers.

1:43:38 Daybreak: Okay, well, I was thinking about maybe getting you with some other kids that really love Helio and kind of already-

1:43:44 Kristen: Agh, no.

1:43:44 Daybreak: No?

1:43:46 Kristen: No, no, no, no, that's just an echo chamber. I mean we've all heard of that, right? I wanna get out there, meet new people, I wanna, that's the sound of chimes, baby, bouncing off each other, creating a beautiful noise.

1:43:58 Brennan: Kristen, you see these five [gestures to everyone else] are being talked to by Goldenhoard about how there's gonna be lunch and then after, the afternoon classes there's gonna be--

1:44:08 Kristen: I wanna go with the bad kids.

1:44:09 Daybreak: What? Kristen, you don't belong with the bad kids. You're a good kid, you went to church camp.

1:44:13 Kristen: Yes, exactly. You know how much yeast you need to make an entire loaf rise? Just a little pinch and I can be that little pinch.

1:44:22 Daybreak: I don't think you're yeast, kiddo, I feel like you have more-

1:44:24 Kristen: I think so. I think so.

1:44:26 Daybreak: Oh god, oh god.

1:44:29 Kristen: Please, please, give me detention. If they’re going to detention, just give me detention and I can go in there.

1:44:37 Daybreak: I can't give you detention, for what?

1:44:38 Kristen: The other day I went to a party and I drank what looked like a bottle of vodka, but it was water. I keep putting water in alcohol things to fit in.

1:44:46 Daybreak: You want me to give you detention for not drinking?

1:44:48 Kristen: I want not just to give me detention, I want you to yell right now and make a really big scene and make it seem like I did something terrible.

1:44:54 Daybreak: I... all right, everybody listen up. Kristen Applebees, bore false witness.

1:45:03 Kristen: That’s a ter-- That’s like a cardinal sin!

1:45:06 Daybreak: Yeah, well, you lied because you weren't drinkin' vodka and you should always dri-- I can't say this.

1:45:13 Kristen: At least you coulda said I stole some, you coulda gone way, coulda been way easier than that.

1:45:18 Daybreak: Well, you know what?

1:45:18 Kristen: [in disbelief] Bore false witness?

1:45:20 Daybreak: You bore false witness, and now-

1:45:21 Brennan: You see that Vice Principal Goldenhoard looks over and says,

1:45:24 Goldenhoard: Coach, that's not, that's a religious rule, that's got almost nothing to do-

1:45:31 Kristen: Well, you heard the man, sounds like I got detention.

1:45:33 Brennan: You see he hands the red card to you.

1:45:38 Daybreak: All right, kiddo.

1:45:39 Kristen: Where do I even go with this? Hey guys.

1:45:40 Fabian: What did you do?

1:45:43 Kristen: I bore false witness.

1:45:43 Fabian: What is that?

1:45:45 Fig: I wanna do that.

1:45:45 Adaine: It means she lied.

1:45:48 Fabian: To who? To anyone, you just talk about that?

1:45:52 Kristen: To, before a higher power. Yeah, it's kind of compli-- what do you guys do?

1:45:58 Gorgug: [gesturing to Fabian] We punched each other.

1:45:58 Kristen: Oh yeah, I remember.

1:46:00 Fabian: I'm too good at sports.

1:46:04 Fig: I couldn't eat the steak that was a ghost steak, I couldn't pick it up.

1:46:10 Adaine: I stole a stupid book because my stupid sister told me it was a good idea.

1:46:14 Fig: I tried to get you out of that.

1:46:16 Kristen: It was really cool how honest you were about that, though.

1:46:20 Riz: I stole some tea.

1:46:20 Kristen: Wow, a lot of thieves. Oh my god, I’m just like Jesus. Just like Helio.

1:46:32 Brennan: You guys get in line for lunch and you start going through the lunch counter, and you see the lunch lady, Doreen, starts puttin' creamed corn and stuff on your guys' trays.

1:46:43 Adaine: I've never eaten a surprise before.

1:46:45 Doreen: Well, it's tuna surprise, very surprising. Okay, here's your tray, here you go.

1:46:49 Brennan: You see this tuna surprise, and you see that there are just chunks of ham in the tuna.

1:46:55 Kristen: Ooh, it's sour somehow.

1:46:55 Murph: Riz just gobbles it down instantly.

1:46:59 Fabian: Excuse me, excuse me, miss, I can't eat this. Do you have something, what are the other options? I'd like to eat another option.

1:47:10 Doreen: Another option?

1:47:10 Fabian: Yeah, is there, I mean, I'm presuming there's a menu that I can order from, or something I can make a choice of, assuming there's something else, all right?

1:47:17 Doreen: There's no other... I could, you want me to get you, I could get you ketchup? I could do, uh-

1:47:25 Fabian: What? Miss, miss, ketchup is not a meal.

1:47:25 Doreen: Would you like ketchup?

1:47:30 Fabian: For, as a meal? Is ketchup a thing in your culture?

1:47:34 Doreen: You could pour vinegar on it, I don't know!

1:47:36 Fabian: All right. You know what, just-

1:47:37 Zac: I down my whole tray as well.

1:47:40 Brennan: I'm gonna need Kristen to make another, sorry, an opposed Acrobatics check. This is a Dexterity roll.

1:47:47 Ally: Oh boy. Good, I have negative three off the bat.12.

1:47:51 Brennan: Ah, cool. You see that Ragh, the half orc jock grabs your Bible out of your hand and tosses it into the kitchen. And you see, it goes whoosh, whoosh, whoosh and spins and lands in a big vat of the creamed corn and sinks into it. And you see he goes,

1:48:12 Ragh: That's what you get for boring what you, what you did, that's what you did, that's what you get for that.

1:48:19 Kristen: Good thing I already know the whole thing by heart.

1:48:21 Siobhan: I cast Mage Hand and pull the book out of the creamed corn.

1:48:23 Brennan: Cool. You see that as you go to start pulling the book out of the creamed corn, the book pops out, it's covered in creamed corn. And there's a ton of goop all over it. You see the lunch lady says,

1:48:40 Doreen: All right, all right, everybody you all gotta go. Everybody go sit down.

1:48:46 Brennan: Ragh says,

1:48:46 Ragh: Think about it next time.

1:48:48 Kristen: Who the fuck is that guy?

1:48:49 Ragh: Think about it.

1:48:50 Fabian: Don't even bother. He's a fucking oaf.

1:48:53 Kristen: A freaking idiot.

1:48:53 Brennan: You guys have your lunch, and after lunch you guys are in detention, you see the lawn outside, beautiful afternoon, filled with students all like, “Oh, you're my new best friend and we're gonna be adventurers, yeah, let's make an adventuring party.” And you see that Vice Principal Goldenhoard and a sort of young gnome who is a very rosy-cheeked and has got sort of watery blue eyes walks in. You see they step in and Vice Principal Goldenhoard says,

1:49:27 Goldenhoard: Well, well, well, troublemakers. [sees Kristen] And yeah, and Kristen. Troublemaking bothers me at a deep level. This school can be a dangerous place. Students put a lot on the line here. And you, with your tomfoolery, your jackanapery, and your shenanigans are a liability that cannot be allowed. Mr. Gibbons will handle your disciplinary action while I'm gone.

1:50:05 Brennan: So he turns and walks out, and you see that the gnome hoists himself up so he's sitting on the edge of the desk and he goes,

1:50:10 Mr. Gibbons: [detached, calm voice] Okay, so how do we feel about what we did?

1:50:13 Adaine: [raises her hand]

1:50:15 Mr. Gibbons: Yeah, right here.

1:50:17 Adaine: I technically have diplomatic immunity and, and, ah. Do I have to be here?

1:50:22 Gorgug: I feel bad. I didn't mean to punch you. I got so mad.

1:50:25 Fabian: I didn't do, I did punch you, but it wasn't worth it, but. I shouldn't be here. My crime was being too good for the bloodrush team.

1:50:39 Mr. Gibbons: [nodding] Okay.

1:50:39 Kristen: You punched him.

1:50:41 Riz: Yeah, you punched him.

1:50:42 Kristen: Yeah, we all watched you punch him, for no reason even.

1:50:43 Fabian: Okay.

1:50:44 Riz: We saw that. We saw that. Your objective, yeah.

1:50:44 Fabian: I also admit that-- [coughs] [quietly] I also admit that I punched him. I said that.

1:50:50 Mr. Gibbons: [with little to no feeling] Wow, okay, so that's a lot of feelings, okay? How's everything at home, guys? Everything good?

1:50:55 Gorgug: It’s great.

1:50:57 Mr. Gibbons: Everything good at home?

1:50:59 Gorgug: Yeah.

1:51:00 Mr. Gibbons: Okay, now you know-

1:51:00 Kristen: [to Fig] Why are you crying?

1:51:03 Fig: Why am I crying? Because I guess you tapped into something that, [full of emotion] you know, maybe home isn't great.

1:51:12 Mr. Gibbons: Okay.

1:51:12 Fig: Maybe home isn't great.

1:51:14 Mr. Gibbons: Okay, now those are strong feelings, okay, and I'm here to talk. About anything, okay? If you have any problems, yes, right here?

1:51:22 Adaine: Can't we just do lines instead of talking?

1:51:23 Fabian: Yes, Jesus Christ.

1:51:23 Mr. Gibbons: Wow. Wow. Strong feelings all the way around, now there's something that I wanna talk to all of you about.

1:51:31 Brennan: Now you guys hear a scream, a bloodcurdling scream from down the hallway. Mr. Gibbons whips his head around and looks. What do you guys do?

1:51:41 Murph: Riz takes off.

1:51:43 Lou: I follow.

1:51:43 Gorgug: What?

1:51:43 Emily: I'll go.

1:51:45 Ally: Same.

1:51:45 Gorgug: What?

1:51:47 Adaine: I mean, I guess if everybody's going, we should go?

1:51:49 Mr. Gibbons: Now, hold on guys, don’t rush into anything!

1:51:50 Gorgug: I gotta go.

1:51:52 Emily: I just see them running and I think we're making a jailbreak.

1:51:56 Brennan: You guys sprint, you run as fast as you can. The scream comes from the cafeteria. Players gasp.

1:51:59 Ally: No!

1:52:00 Emily: Doreen!

1:52:01 Siobhan: Doreen!

1:52:03 Brennan: You burst forward, the doors open, you look ahead of you and flitting around the cafeteria are horrifying little shapes with long wings. You see corn gremlins, cobs of corn with malevolent eyes and wide mouths. [snarling] Tearing at the walls and ripping banners, and following them into the cafeteria, you see Doreen, the lunch lady, with her back turned to you, slowly gazing behind her shoulder, deep sunken eyes malevolent yellow as spell energy pulsing with arcane power wraps her ladle.

1:52:46 Doreen: Hey kids, it's lunch time again, because we had lunch earlier, but bad lunch this time.

1:52:57 Kristen: If you explain the joke, it's not a good joke.

1:53:00 Adaine: It was bad last time.

1:53:00 Doreen: It's a bad lunch. It's a bad lunch.

1:53:02 Kristen: No!

1:53:04 Brennan: A monstrous pulsating mountain of creamed corn rises up, towering behind her. A colossal ooze begins to pseudopod its way forward. And I'm gonna have you guys roll initiative. Players roll their dice onto the board.

1:53:24 Zac: Ooh-kay.

1:53:28 Brennan: And that's where we'll leave off this week on Fantasy High. Get ready for combat, ladies and gentlemen. [NEXT EPISODE - Episode 2: Clash of the Corn Cuties] [NEXT TIME ON FANTASY HIGH]

1:53:37 Brennan: Our intrepid heroes are now facing the lunch lady Doreen and a colossal corn ooze.

1:53:44 Lou: I'm gonna double fist my rapier into one of the buttholes. (Emily laughs) The corn ooze moans in pain and swings to punch a door.

1:53:51 Murph: How big is this thing's butthole, goblin size?

1:53:55 Brennan: [eyes wide] Yes. (growling)

1:53:58 Murph: [to Emily] Did you go down?

1:53:59 Emily: Bye, bitches.

1:54:00 Lou: [cry-laughing] What did you just do?

1:54:00 Captions extracted by: gluegunshots

1:54:00 Edited by: gluegunshots, Shanimal