Family in Flames (Ep. 15)

0:00:00 Biz: You think I'm so stupid that I'm gonna type on here, (computer noises)

0:00:04 Brennan: Riz appears in the room.

0:00:05 Biz: And get Riz outta here? You're fucking—  (screams).

0:00:08 Adaine: Wow, you're stupid.

0:00:09 Biz: Girls are downloaded, they're back in their bodies now and they're--

0:00:13 Adaine: Their own bodies?

0:00:15 Biz: Their own bodies.

0:00:16 Brennan: And there are memories of him deciding that this was like his big, evil plan, that memory is false.

0:00:23 Siobhan: (gasps) Somebody--

0:00:23 Emily: Someone changed it, your sister.

0:00:24 Adaine: Fucking Aelwyn again, got dammit!

0:00:26 Brennan: Johnny Spells' burner phone gets six messages. You see a picture of the Thistlespring tree, the Abernant home, the front of Sklonda's apartment, the front door of Gilear's apartment, the Applebees' residence, and Seacaster Manor. You see it says, Think very carefully about your next decisions. [END RECAP] (record scratch) (laser zapping) (drums and growling)

0:00:53 Brennan: Hello and welcome back to Fantasy High! My name is Brennan Lee Mulligan. These are our intrepid heroes, say hi intrepid heroes.

0:00:58 All: Hi intrepid heroes.

0:01:00 Brennan: And this is our penultimate episode. Zac, offscreen, drops his pencil off the table.

0:01:03 Brennan: Ooh, drop the pencil right at the beginning.

0:01:05 Zac: I'm freaking out. (laughter)

0:01:07 Brennan: Last we left our heroes they were in the arcade of the Elm Valley mall with a mangled and wounded Biz Glitterdew, (cast groans) having just received a series of text messages, on Johnny Spells' burner. Pictures of your homes and the phrase, “be very careful about the choices you make next.” What do you guys do?

0:01:28 Fig: I say we go aggro. I say we say, "Let's meet up." (grunts)

0:01:34 Kristen: Well who, okay,

0:01:34 Riz: He just knows where our parents live.

0:01:35 Kristen: Raise your hand if you really care about your parents?

0:01:36 Riz: I was gonna say we should maybe go get AV club ‘cause that's where, (raises hand) I care about my family.

0:01:38 Gorgug: (raising his hand) I care about my parents.

0:01:40 Kristen: There’s only a couple of us!

0:01:41 Fig: I care about Gilear and Gorthalax. (group laughs)

0:01:42 Adaine: I care about Gorgug's family, and (pointing at Riz) I guess yours.

0:01:43 Kristen: Yeah.

0:01:44 Riz: We all care about Gorgug's family.

0:01:45 Fabian: Of course, Kristen Applebees' brothers and sisters, I mean we cannot—

0:01:47 Kristen: Yeah, you’re right.

0:01:48 Fig: (loudly) Not to mention everyone cares about Gilear.

0:01:51 Riz: Everyone cares about Gilear.

0:01:52 Kristen: (laughing) I don't care about Gilear.

0:01:53 Fabian: Yes of course, who will serve us pitiful lunches at Aguefort. No, but, I don't hate that idea.

0:02:00 Fig: Yeah, I feel like if someone is fucking with you then you let them know they can't fuck with you by fucking with them.

0:02:07 Kristen: Say name, a time and place.

0:02:08 Riz: Won't they just ambush us?

0:02:09 Gorgug: I feel like they'll kill our parents though.

0:02:11 Riz: Why don't we go to the AV club that's where the girls are that we just lost, and just got downloaded.

0:02:13 Fabian: We cannot go to that—

0:02:15 Gorgug: Maybe that's what the person means.

0:02:16 Fabian: Exactly, that what I'm afraid, they know what we've done.

0:02:19 Riz: So why don't we call our parents, and tell them—

0:02:20 Kristen: Aguefort is their place though, they have cameras on it.

0:02:21 Riz: I'll call my mom and tell her to keep an eye on Gilear, they'll be fine. (to Fig) Your dad’s a freaking—

0:02:27 Kristen: Let's all call our parents.

0:02:28 Gorgug: Let's get our parents to hang out together.

0:02:29 Riz: Yes, let's do that.

0:02:30 Fig: Yeah, let's get our parents to hang out together, and then I'll send a cowardly text back being like, (stuttering) please we'll do anything you want.

0:02:38 Kristen: Yeah, that’s great.

0:02:38 Fabian: Yes, I like, if anything let's play into their hand—

0:02:41 Riz: I think there's, let's arrange for a mixer at Strongtower Luxury Apartments.

0:02:46 Gorgug: (laughing) A mixer?

0:02:48 Riz: Yeah, let's tell our parents to hang out.

0:02:49 Gorgug: Should we go to the grocery store and get--

0:02:51 Riz: No, we shouldn't get anything! Let's just have our parents go to Strongtower.

0:02:53 Adaine: Well no, cause that's one of the places. Why don't we send them to like--

0:02:56 Riz: Cause if they're all in the same place they can beat somebody up.

0:02:57 Adaine: —the ice cream store.

0:02:58 Fabian: (offscreen) Or they could all be killed.

0:02:59 Fig: Counterpoint. I don't trust all of your parents.

0:03:01 Adaine: Yeah I don't trust my parents, and I'm sorry, (to Fabian) but I don't trust your parents.

0:03:05 Fabian: Alright, well (noises)

0:03:06 Adaine: And I'm sorry (to Fig) but I don't trust one of your parents?

0:03:08 Fig: My mom? Neither do I.

0:03:10 Riz: Cool, well the girls got downloaded to the AV club, or sent to the AV club server. So maybe we should—

0:03:14 Kristen: I think you're right. Let's go.

0:03:16 Gorgug: I'm going to call my mom and then we should go.

0:03:19 Adaine: Ask your mom who the hell it was that made, got her to make this power machine.

0:03:23 Kristen: Yeah, call your mom.

0:03:23 Fabian: Hold up, hold on, hold on, wait, we are not going to the AV club, alright. We don't know what this person is capable of. What they can do. I am not feeling comfortable--

0:03:36 Kristen: Can you go into disguise as Johnny Spells.

0:03:38 Fig: I would like to, they don't think I'm Johnny Spells. They know that we have the phone.

0:03:42 Siobhan: Is there a number--

0:03:43 Emily: I would like to, disguise myself right now as fearful or something like that. I would like to take on the—

0:03:50 Brennan: Just disguise yourself as a scared version of yourself?

0:03:53 Murph: So you just can act scared.

0:03:55 Lou: You’re an actress, Fig.

0:03:55 Emily: Yeah, but I'm saying I want to be authentically, I want to be performing as scared while I send the text.

0:04:00 Riz: Boo!

0:04:01 Fabian: Alright, that was surprising.

0:04:02 Fig: Riz, I'm a fucking German shepherd. You can't scare me.

0:04:07 Emily: While I just to be acting so scared while I send a text and say,

0:04:11 Fig: Please we'll do anything, what do you want from us?

0:04:15 Fabian: Yes, I love that.

0:04:16 Adaine: Is there a number on that phone that sent us the messages?

0:04:20 Gorgug: It's probably just another burner.

0:04:20 Fig: It's a number we haven't gotten a call, uh anything from yet.

0:04:23 Riz: It's an unknown number.

0:04:25 Kristen: (to Gorgug) Maybe call your parents and then we can find out what's up.

0:04:26 Zac: I'm going to call, Gorgug calls his parents.

0:04:29 Emily: I sent that text.

0:04:29 Brennan: You see Gorgug takes out his phone. Gorgug now has little crow’s feet at the edge of his eyes and a streak of white in the front of his hair. Little crow’s feet--

0:04:36 Adaine: You look really cool.

0:04:38 Gorgug: I feel older.

0:04:38 Ally: Sorry, you look like Jerri Blank. Zac nods, agreeing with Ally.

0:04:43 Lou: Who?

0:04:44 Ally: (laughs) From "Strangers with Candy".

0:04:46 Brennan: You look over as you’re calling your parents and see the little empty palimpsest where Zelda was moments ago. On the little structure.

0:04:55 Fig: Do you want to keep it?

0:04:56 Digby: Hello? Hey there bud, is that you? How did the fight go? Did you do it?

0:05:00 Gorgug: It went really bad.

0:05:03 Digby: Oh no.

0:05:03 Gorgug: Hey, who asked you to build this power device, this battery thing?

0:05:12 Digby: Oh well the owners of the arcade, of course.

0:05:15 Gorgug: Who are they?

0:05:16 Digby: One of the guy’s names was Frank.

0:05:20 Gorgug: Okay.

0:05:20 Fig: (whispering) Ask the last name.

0:05:21 Gorgug: Do you remember any other details? Frank something, what's Frank's last name?

0:05:25 Digby: Dunford.

0:05:27 Gorgug: Dunford? Like, no, I don't know what that is.

0:05:30 Brennan: You look up on the wall and see there is a little photo in the arcade of a guy (giving two thumbs up) named Frank Dunford.

0:05:34 Riz: Just a dude?

0:05:35 Brennan: Who's like, excited to open the arcade.

0:05:37 Riz: Okay, just some guy.

0:05:39 Gorgug: Can we inspect to see if that guy is around here.

0:05:40 Riz: Let's investigate the Dunford painting. Uh, so much, 26.

0:05:46 Gorgug: Is that guy here? Could he be tied up somewhere?

0:05:50 Brennan: It looks like the owner of the arcade is just pumped to open an arcade.

0:05:52 Riz: Is just pumped to open it.

0:05:55 Gorgug: Hey, mom, dad, I don't know what's going on, but we, I don't think things are safe at the house. Should I tell them to go somewhere?

0:06:07 Kristen: Luxury Apartments.

0:06:08 Riz: Yeah go to the Stonetower— Strongtower Luxury Apartments.

0:06:12 Gorgug: Can you go to the Strongtower Luxury Apartments, and meet Riz's mom and Gilear.

0:06:18 Fig: (whispering) And Gilear.

0:06:19 Digby: We'd love to. Alright, we'll see you later.

0:06:21 Gorgug: Okay, bye, be careful.

0:06:23 Ally: I text my parents,

0:06:23 Kristen: Can you meet me at the Strongtower Luxury Apartments?

0:06:26 Fig: Ah, don't bring your parents.

0:06:28 Brennan: You text your parents that. You see that, you a little ellipsis, and then a text back saying

0:06:36 The Applebees: Would've been nice to have you at Mass last Sunday.

0:06:39 Kristen: Fuck them. I wonder if that is a yes or a no.

0:06:42 Siobhan: I text my mom,

0:06:42 Adaine: do you even care where I am right now? (Ally and Murph laughing)

0:06:48 Brennan: There is no response forthcoming.

0:06:50 Adaine: God, I fucking hate her.

0:06:50 Riz: Cool, I'm going to call my mom and let her know people are coming. So, I call my mom.

0:06:56 Brennan: You go straight to voicemail.

0:06:57 Riz: Got it.

0:06:59 Fig: Can I call Gorthalax?

0:07:01 Brennan: You've sent him a couple texts and he hasn't answered back.

0:07:06 Fig: What the fuck dad. I'm going to straight up call him.

0:07:08 Brennan: It rings for a little while and then,

0:07:10 Gorthalax: This is the voicemail of Gorthalax the Insatiable. I'm not available to take your call right now, but if you please leave your name and number I'll be happy to get back to you at my earliest convenience. Have a great day (beep).

0:07:21 Fig: You'd never believe that he was trapped in a ruby for so long. He's just taken to modern traditions so well.

0:07:26 Fabian: (crosstalk) Well, he got the chance, he’s right back at it.

0:07:27 Kristen: That's great, I think we should go to the AV club.

0:07:29 Murph: I'll leave my mom a voicemail and I say,

0:07:30 Riz: Hey Mom, got some threatening text messages with pictures of the apartment and such. I'm not worried about you but Gilear probably can't defend himself. If you can get back to the Strongtower Luxury Apartments and maybe look after the gnomes and Gilear that's be great.

0:07:48 Fig: Gilear's got a little knife.

0:07:50 Riz: Gilear's got a little knife. Bye Mom, love you. (laughter)

0:07:53 Brennan: Cool. You guys see that Biz is there in handcuffs and looking morose. You guys are in the back room of this arcade. What do you do next?

0:08:02 Riz: Let's go to the AV club.

0:08:03 Adaine: Have we gotten anything back from this phone number?

0:08:05 Emily: Have I gotten anything back after I sent that? (Fig is smoking a cigarette)

0:08:07 Brennan: Nope.

0:08:08 Gorgug: Let's just go to the AV Club. I know it doesn't seem like a good idea but—

0:08:11 Brennan: You guys walk out past the shattered glass with the different arcade prizes in there.

0:08:18 Murph: I'll investigate them. (dice rolling) 21.

0:08:20 Siobhan: I'll do that too. I'll do an Arcana check on what is in there, (laughing) 26.

0:08:25 Brennan: I mean these are the dopest magical items you've ever seen—

0:08:27 Kristen: Alright let's go to the AV club.

0:08:28 Fig and Adaine: (offscreen) Yeah, yeah.

0:08:29 Kristen: We have Biz with us right? We're taking him.

0:08:31 Fabian: Can I take the shoes as well? Can I take this stuff?

0:08:34 Murph: Anything that would be armor or weapons or anything I'd like to grab.

0:08:37 Brennan: You find the stuff that is the most magical. There is about six items in here that are,

0:08:41 Emily: How convenient.

0:08:45 Siobhan: How convenient.

0:08:46 Brennan: How convenient! That are powerfully magical. All the other shit is sort of janky whatever.

0:08:51 Murph: Dope.

0:08:52 Brennan: But here they all are right here. (he hands the players several written cards)

0:08:54 Ally: Ooooookay.

0:08:56 Murph: (reading the card) Plus one to AC and saves, this is pretty good.

0:08:57 Siobhan: (reading) A Teddy Bear of Help.

0:08:58 Emily: (reading) Headphones of Solitude--

0:09:02 Brennan: You guys don't know what this stuff does 'cause you haven't cast an Identify spell on it yet. What you guys see is a dope set of headphones, a rad skateboard, this cool little teddy bear that about this big, a little tiny teddy bear, a dope pair of sneakers, a black short sword that Fabian already grabbed, and a mithril snap bracelet.

0:09:22 Siobhan: I mean I'll bite. I'll cast an Identify spell on this shit. (magical Identify spell music)

0:09:27 Identify Spell: (energetic British accent) Hoo baby, six items. This will be a heavy lift for the Identify spell. Ah yes, the Sword of Shadows. Crafted by Tabaxi ninja in ages long past, the sword may summon the spirits of shadow warriors to help its owner go unmolested by assailants. The Teddy Bear of Helpfulness. Forged by gnomish warlocks in ages long past, the Teddy Bear of Helpfulness is able to focus on maintaining spell energy that usually requires a caster’s full concentration. The Sneakers of Dunking, forged from the heart of a dying star by seven elite fashion magi who gave their life to complete the sneakers. These bad boys are wildly expensive, and enable the wearer to jump ridiculous distances in a single bound. The Headphones of Solitude, crafted by Agatha the Lonely, these headphones abjure the wearer against any outside noise. Protecting them against arcane attacks of the sonic variety. The Skateboard of Sickness. This rad deck was crafted by dwarves deep in the pipes of Calimoria, and grants the user not only swiftness but abilities to impress one's peers. And finally, the Mithril Snap Bracelet of Protection. This absolutely gorgeous, yet tasteful artifact was first given by Ildanry the Wise to her BFF Lou-Ellen the Fair when she was heading out of town for the weekend, and Ildanry wanted to make sure that she would be alright. As legend had it, she was. This has been, if I may say so, the best use of the Identify spell. (group laughs)

0:11:10 Adaine: Thank you so much, Identify spell.

0:11:13 Identify Spell: It's nice to be recognized for one's efforts.

0:11:15 Fabian: You don't have to thank it. It’s a service.

0:11:18 Riz: The skateboard doesn't help me at all.

0:11:20 Kristen: I think it helps me, I could dash to heal someone.

0:11:25 Fig: I think you’re going to want that.

0:11:27 Riz: (holding up the Teddy Bear’s card) This needs to be a spell person. This does nothing for--

0:11:30 Adaine: That's true. I have a lot of concentration.

0:11:32 Fig: It concentrates on a spell for you? What does that mean?

0:11:35 Fabian: It just, you don't have to con--

0:11:38 Gorgug: Oh, your Bless is a concentrate right?

0:11:41 Adaine: So you can do two Blesses.

0:11:43 Fig: Don't we want the dash for her though?

0:11:48 Riz: Do you guys have spell specific ones? I could use the rapier, the shoes, or the bracelet.

0:11:53 Siobhan: This is plus one to AC and saves.

0:11:55 Emily: I wonder if I should take the, what's everyone's AC like.

0:11:59 Ally: My AC’s fine.

0:11:59 Siobhan: My AC is 12.

0:12:00 Murph: I mean an AC 12 is bad.

0:12:02 Brennan: As you guys are walking out of the mall. Sort of talking about all these artifacts. You guys leave with Biz in tow, and you guys see up above you, 'cause you got outside of the mall. (helicopter noises)

0:12:17 Brennan: You hear choppers and the parking lot is full of cops. You hear a voice speaking over the loudspeaker saying,

0:12:23 Loudspeaker User: (tinny) Stand where you are. Hands in the air. Don't move. (helicopter noises)

0:12:30 Fabian: I guess we do what they say.

0:12:31 Riz: Cool.

0:12:32 Kristen: Okay, should we split up and have someone who can hide go to the AV club?

0:12:34 Riz: I don’t think we’re splittin’ up.

0:12:36 Fig: What if I just disguise myself as someone else and I go get arrested for this? And then you guys break me out of jail.

0:12:42 Riz: There's helicopters and stuff--

0:12:43 Lou: We all put our hands up.

0:12:43 Fabian: (loudly) We're coming. We are compliant in whatever you are requesting.

0:12:49 Brennan: You guys see behind you, (zipping noises) some guys rappel down (boots tapping on the ground) up above you to block your exits back into the mall.

0:12:57 Fig: Okay. (drum-heavy, electronic music)

0:12:58 Brennan: You see that an agent, a half-elven woman walks forward. Her character card says “Angela Worrel, Agent of the Council”.

0:13:04 Brennan: She's got her hair long and back in these sort of braids, sunglasses, dark suit, arquebus at her hip. She steps forward and says,

0:13:14 Agent Worrel: Figueroth Faeth, Gorgug Thistlespring, Adaine Abernant, Fabian Aramaris Seacaster, Kristen Applebees, Riz Gukgak.

0:13:22 Fig: It's actually Figueroth Faeth the Insatiable.

0:13:26 Agent Worrel: You're all under the arrest for the murder of Johnny Spells.

0:13:29 Kristen: What?

0:13:29 Fig: (exaggerated) Who?

0:13:30 Brennan: You see that, behind the woman, you see your (Riz’s) mom steps out and goes,

0:13:39 Sklonda: Agent Worrel, if I can talk to you for a second. We, these kids go to the Adventuring Academy.

0:13:47 Brennan: You see that Agent Worrel turns around and says,

0:13:49 Agent Worrel: (yelling) I don't know what the fuck is going on in this town. I get a sheet a couple of days ago, that a man's car was stolen and he was shot in the back of the head with a crossbow in broad daylight. And that a coach was murdered in the middle of the field. Trespassing--

0:14:10 Riz: There was a demon portal there too though, right?

0:14:11 Adaine: He was attacking us.

0:14:12 Riz: You remember the demon portal that was there?

0:14:13 Fig: (snidely) This is a little unprofessional to be so emotional at work.

0:14:17 Agent Worrel: Oh, I'm sorry, there was a demon portal! That's how laws work, right?

0:14:21 Gorgug: What do you mean?

0:14:22 Agent Worrel: That's how you run a civilization?

0:14:23 Riz: Do you want the apocalypse to happen?

0:14:25 Agent Worrel: You can't murder people!

0:14:28 Adaine: I mean I have diplomatic immunity, (shrugs) so this whole conversation is honestly pretty moot.

0:14:33 Brennan: You see another agent step out and says,

0:14:36 Agent: (calmly, deeper voice) As a matter of fact Ms. Abernant, your nation is currently at war with our nation.

0:14:44 Fig: I'm not afraid to go to jail, so yeah, we'll make some friends. (smokes a cigarette)

0:14:48 Kristen: I am.

0:14:49 Fabian: I mean, I’m— We can work this out. My name is Fabian Seacaster, I'm the son of Bill Seacaster.

0:14:57 Agent Worrel: (dangerously) I don't know what kind of fucking kooky little town you have here where children bang down a highway shooting weaponry at other people--

0:15:07 Adaine: Allegedly.

0:15:09 Agent Worrel: Alright, cuff 'em, cuff 'em.

0:15:11 Emily: I cast Darkness around all of us. (laughter)

0:15:15 Brennan: Your spell (magical whoosh) is immediately Counterspelled by a cop mage. You see he goes, and blows some runes off his fingers, and goes,

0:15:22 Cop Mage: Still got it.

0:15:26 Fig: What is he? Is he a dwarf.

0:15:27 Brennan: No, he looks like a gnome.

0:15:29 Fig: Okay, not my type. Lou looks disbelievingly at her and bursts into laughter.

0:15:32 Brennan: You guys are brought into custody.

0:15:35 Kristen: Great, cool.

0:15:36 Fabian: Cool, cool

0:15:37 Adaine: Really so cool.

0:15:39 Fabian: I love going to jail.

0:15:40 Brennan: You guys are brought to the prison cell. Where you see this incredible rap sheet with camera footage of you guys, from the diner's camera, with you guys stealing this car and firing weapons on the tieflings behind you. Trespassing on the Durinson Mithril Factory, attacking Coach, the fight at the Black Pit where they have the CCTV of you guys running up and killing DJ Brainzz in the middle of the combat, all of the shit you have been doing. You can just hear this sort of federal agent, who is representative of the Council of Chosen, talking to the cops. You see one of the local cops goes like,

0:16:14 Cop: (vaguely Midwestern accent) I mean, you know, they're from the Adventuring Academy normally we just kind of look the other way when this stuff happens.

0:16:20 Brennan: You see the agent rubbing the bridge of her nose. Going,

0:16:24 Agent Worrel: I cannot believe this is how this town has been running. This is a fucking nightmare.

0:16:32 Brennan: She gets up and leaves. You guys are all in your holding cell. You guys have a little bit of privacy in your holding cell.

0:16:39 Siobhan: We're all in the same cell?

0:16:40 Brennan: You're all in the same cell together. You see that there is some sort of cop sitting on a little counter talking he goes,

0:16:49 Cop: (more Midwestern, higher-pitched) Alright guys, you know we got a couple of federal mages that are helping out with a keeping an eye these kids. Just want to say, to kind of clear the air here gang, hasn't been a great week for the precinct. You know, we kind of let this one (points to Fig) come in and visit a suspect we were holding.

0:17:12 Fig: (smiling) How did you guys know?

0:17:13 Cop: We watched the tapes later. And then we got hit by that team of elven assassins, that kind of strike force, and we lost, we lost another prisoner there.

0:17:26 Kristen: And some evidence it sounds like.

0:17:27 Cop: (reminded) We had our evidence locker broken into and a palimpsest went missing. Has not been a real banner time for the precinct. So, let's try and can we just keep those lines of communication open.

0:17:39 Kristen: Was there anything else stolen other than the palimpsest?

0:17:41 Cop: Hmm?

0:17:43 Kristen: When the palimpsest was stolen by the strike force.

0:17:45 Cop: Like what?

0:17:46 Kristen: Anything else, I'm just wondering?

0:17:47 Ally: Can I do like an Investigation check?

0:17:49 Cop: Honestly, I goofed and kind of misplaced the files of what we had in the inventory there. So we gotta find that. Guys, keep an eye out for that inventory, if you can. Riz is visibly disturbed by the quality of this policing.

0:17:57 Cop: We'll do our best, but you know, thank you guys for helping out, eh. Okay.

0:18:02 Brennan: And you see that he sort of addresses the other cops. They break and go off in their own different directions.

0:18:07 Siobhan: Can I do an investigation check of this cell to see if there is any levers or little holes with keys in or—

0:18:14 Brennan: Sure go for it.

0:18:15 Siobhan: Messages on the walls or anything like that. Uh, 23.

0:18:22 Brennan: You do not see any little levers or holes in the wall or anything else like that.

0:18:25 Siobhan: There no like--

0:18:28 Fabian: We're stuck here, guys.

0:18:29 Emily: Is there no one within reach of us? There is no one else that we can see or talk to?

0:18:35 Brennan: Another cop comes over with your meals and checks in on you guys.

0:18:40 Cop: (Midwestern) Uh, if you guys want to make your phone call, you are free to do that,

0:18:43 Brennan: As he hands you a little crystal through the bars.

0:18:45 Fabian: Yes, please. I'll take that.

0:18:47 Kristen: Call your dad.

0:18:48 Fabian: I would like to call my father.

0:18:50 Brennan: You give your dad a ring. You see that the phone rings for a little while then,

0:18:56 Bill: Yarrr, this be Bill Seacaster.

0:19:00 Fabian: Hello papa, well you see I'm currently in jail, with my friends. We got caught in the middle of a failed battle, you see. We could use some assistance in getting out.

0:19:21 Bill: (pause) Aye, you're in the brig now are you.

0:19:24 Fabian: Yes, it would seem that way.

0:19:26 Bill: Right. I'll come by.

0:19:30 Fabian: Thank you, Papa.

0:19:31 Bill: Do you know what they've posted your bail at?

0:19:33 Fabian: I am not aware, but I can check.

0:19:36 Bill: You try to escape?

0:19:38 Fabian: (lying) Uh, yes we have.

0:19:39 Bill: (uncharacteristically quiet) Alright.

0:19:40 Brennan: The phone hangs up.

0:19:40 Fig: I could still keep trying.

0:19:42 Adaine: Oh yeah, I'm still going to keep trying.

0:19:42 Fabian: Guys, nobody needs to worry about it, my father is on the way. He'll handle everything.

0:19:48 Brennan: Uh, you guys are in this jail. You look out to a sort of gray cloudy day out there. Sort of miasma of dread (unsettling chiming) has settled over the town. Talk of war with Fallinel, general sort of early March kind of rainy time out there. You see that the cop asks you guys,

0:20:13 Cop: Alright anyone else want to make their call?

0:20:15 Riz: I mean, I'd also, yeah.

0:20:16 Gorgug: I guess I'll call my parents and see if they got to your house.

0:20:21 Riz: Well my mom is for sure busy, I should probably call my mom.

0:20:26 Fig: (twirling her braid) I'd like to call.

0:20:26 Gorgug: Maybe someone here can tell you what your mom is doing.

0:20:31 Kristen: Yeah can you just talk to your mom in person?

0:20:33 Murph: Hey, is my mom just around?

0:20:34 Brennan: Your mom comes over to the jail cell and goes,

0:20:38 Sklonda: (sighs) hey kiddo, how's it going?

0:20:40 Riz: I mean bad, I'm in jail. (mysterious music)

0:20:42 Sklonda: Yeah, I'm so sorry about this. The truth is that, you know, Arthur Aguefort, when he was alive handled these things. He had some kind of connection with the government or something like that. This just never came up. I mean, you know, it's obviously not great to selectively apply laws to people but you're adventurers, you're from the Academy. The whole point is that you're largely criminal vigilantes, that's what the school is for.

0:21:16 Fig: (clearly flattered) Thank you.

0:21:19 Sklonda: I'm going to try my best to see if we can handle this. Nothing is going to happen quickly so I think it’s best if you guys just hang tight.

0:21:28 Riz: Cool.

0:21:31 Sklonda: And I'm real sorry kiddo.

0:21:31 Murph: Okay, and then I say in Goblin,

0:21:33 Riz: (out of the corner of his mouth) Is there any way out of this cell?

0:21:37 Brennan: You see that she says,

0:21:40 Sklonda: No. The feds have investigated everything but we're going to take care of it don't worry.

0:21:45 Riz: Cool, thanks Mom.

0:21:47 Brennan: She heads out. You call the Thistlesprings?

0:21:51 Zac: Yes.

0:21:52 Ally: Can I be reading this book of world religions?

0:21:54 Brennan: Yeah, you're just sitting there. You see another prisoner down the cell block goes like,

0:21:59 Prisoner: (low voice, a little New York) Yeah, that's good. If you find religion in here you can get out earlier most of the time.

0:22:04 Kristen: Really?

0:22:05 Prisoner: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:22:06 Kristen: What was the true one that you found?

0:22:08 Prisoner: What?

0:22:09 Kristen: What's, did you find the true religion?

0:22:11 Prisoner: I don't think there is a true religion. I think it’s a subjective thing. I think it’s relative to each person. Don't say you worship the god of thieves because you get right back, you know.

0:22:23 Kristen: Yeah, I can see that.

0:22:23 Prisoner: I did that my first time. And you learn the hard way, you know what I mean?

0:22:28 Fig: (to the prisoner) Want a smoke?

0:22:29 Prisoner: Hell yeah.

0:22:30 Fig: I roll them myself, cloves, herbal.

0:22:33 Prisoner: (tosses it back to her) I'm good, thank you. Fig looks offended.

0:22:35 Brennan: (laughing) You see that, you call the Thistlesprings on the phone?

0:22:38 Digby: Well hey there bud how's it going?

0:22:40 Gorgug: Hey, just making sure you got over to the apartments.

0:22:44 Digby: Oh sure, we're over here with Gilear right now. We're having a great time.

0:22:47 Gorgug: (disbelieving) But really though?

0:22:49 Digby: What's that? Yeah for sure. We're just singing a little song to him. Emily is laughing near soundlessly.

0:22:53 Gorgug: What are you singing to him?

0:22:55 Brennan: You hear your mom in the background saying,

0:22:59 Wilma: (singing, clearly ad-libbed) When you start to feel real sad It’s probably because you just feel mad Just remember, we're Gorgug's mom and dad And then you should be a better dad

0:23:13 Gorgug: (embarrassed) Oh God, okay.

0:23:14 Fig: Is that Gilear crying in the background?

0:23:16 Gilear: I don't deserve to be mocked this way in my own home. (laughter, especially Emily)

0:23:20 Gilear: Please take the turkey crackers you’ve already had bites of, and see yourself out.

0:23:26 Gorgug: Don't listen to him, just stay there, mom. Alright? Okay. I'll talk to you later, I just wanted to make sure you were safe.

0:23:31 Gilear: Perhaps I should go.

0:23:33 Brennan: You see that they hang up.

0:23:37 Kristen: You didn't want to tell them you were in jail?

0:23:38 Gorgug: I don't know.

0:23:40 Siobhan: Can I call Principal Goldenhoard?

0:23:42 Emily: Ooh.

0:23:45 Murph: Hmm, that’s a good one.

0:23:45 Brennan: Yeah, for sure.

0:23:45 Siobhan: Great.

0:23:46 Brennan: You can call his office.

0:23:47 Siobhan: Yeah I will try and call his office.

0:23:48 Brennan: That happens next day because he is probably not in the office at night.

0:23:51 Siobhan: Oh right, it’s nighttime, dang.

0:23:54 Brennan: I'll go ahead and say that you guys spend the night in jail. The next morning comes, no word from Bill yet. But you can use your phone call to call the office.

0:24:05 Siobhan: Great.

0:24:08 Vice Principal Goldenhoard: (deep voice) Hello and good morning. Who do I have the pleasure of speaking to?

0:24:12 Adaine: Hello Principal, this is Adaine Abernant. We have gotten—

0:24:19 Fig: (whispering) Don't tell him I'm here.

0:24:21 Adaine: We've gotten arrested for things that we were supposed to have been doing in school. (Lou cackling)

0:24:28 Goldenhoard: You've been arrested for murder, trespassing, thievery, and other various—

0:24:32 Adaine: The things that the school teaches, yes.

0:24:34 Goldenhoard: —side effects of the adventurer’s life.

0:24:36 Riz: Hellmouths and stuff, you know, saving the world.

0:24:38 Adaine: Yeah, all the hellmouths and stuff.

0:24:39 Goldenhoard: This is so frustrating, Arthur had a way of handling all these things. Look, I'm going to dip into his personal library. I don't like to go in there. There is a lot of...

0:24:52 Adaine: Spicy stuff, I read his autobiography—

0:24:54 Goldenhoard: Really raw sexual things in there that make me frankly uncomfortable. I'll see what I can do. (counting on his fingers) Don't speak to any prosecutors without a lawyer, and if you get a chance make a break for it. Go ahead and kill whoever you have to kill to get out, and we'll pay for the resurrections, alright?

0:25:14 Adaine: Thank you so much, that's exactly what we were thinking of doing.

0:25:17 Goldenhoard: Well, (laughs) I'm very glad to hear that there are some students here that still know how to live the adventurer's life.

0:25:24 Adaine: We love this school so much, and we've learned so much in the past year.

0:25:29 Goldenhoard: That really is touching. I have to say, I was worried about you lot with the detention on the first day, but I'm very proud of all the progress you've made. I'm going to go—

0:25:39 Gorgug: Can I ask something?

0:25:40 Adaine: Yeah.

0:25:41 Gorgug: I'm asking you guys before you ask him, but can we ask him,

0:25:44 Adaine: (on the phone, then covering it) Sorry, just a sec.

0:25:44 Gorgug: to look in the trashcan of Arthur Aguefort?

0:25:47 Fig: That's what I was going to say, chuck ‘em in the bin.

0:25:49 Adaine: (on the phone) Professor before we go, can you look at Professor Aguefort's trashcan and see if there is anything weird in there or under there or around there. We just got a clue-

0:25:59 Fig: RIP, may he rest in peace, of course.

0:26:01 Gorgug: Yeah obviously.

0:26:02 Adaine: Yeah, RIP.

0:26:04 Ally: (offscreen) RIP.

0:26:06 Brennan: You see he says,

0:26:06 Goldenhoard: (perplexed) In his trashcan?

0:26:09 Adaine: His trashcan.

0:26:11 Goldenhoard: May I ask why?

0:26:12 Adaine: It was a clue.

0:26:14 Goldenhoard: (apparently immediately understanding) A clue? Very well, I shall take a look as soon as I can.

0:26:18 Adaine: Thank you so much.

0:26:19 Goldenhoard: You are welcome.

0:26:21 Brennan: (beep) He hangs up. You guys see that, a few moments later, a few minutes later in the day, Sandra Lynn walks in, your mom.

0:26:32 Fig: Hey Mom. How's Gorthalax?

0:26:37 Sandra Lynn: (unhappily) Hey sweetie, I heard the news you were in jail. Gorthalax is not doing great. (soft somber music)

0:26:51 Sandra Lynn: We had a conversation, early yesterday. (sighs) He came over the night before, and after that we spoke. I had to sort of break the news to him that there was not going to be a chance of us being together. (music abruptly stops)

0:27:22 Kristen: Did you guys have sex?

0:27:23 Fabian: Kristen!

0:27:25 Riz: (whispering) Kristen what are you doing? Sandra Lynn looks at her with a flabbergasted frown.

0:27:26 Kristen: I'm sorry, I thought maybe we were all wondering.

0:27:30 Riz: We don't care.

0:27:30 Fabian: No we are not.

0:27:31 Fig: They definitely did it, I know they did it.

0:27:32 Fabian: We are all wondering but it’s rude to ask.

0:27:33 Kristen: I'll just get back to my book.

0:27:35 Riz: Read please.

0:27:38 Kristen: (quietly) That's a yeah, right?

0:27:39 Fabian: (whispering) Stop. (somber music picks up again)

0:27:39 Sandra Lynn: He took the news pretty hard, and he left and I haven't been able to reach him. I think it’s, it seems possible that he went back to Hell.

0:27:55 Fig: But, they were going to demote him in hell. Also, I'm here.

0:28:05 Sandra Lynn: I'm so sorry, kiddo.

0:28:09 Fig: (a little angrily) You scared him away. You rejected him so now he's not in my life once again? Are you the one that put him in that ruby to begin with?

0:28:18 Sandra Lynn: I didn't put him in the ruby to begin with, sweetie. That was Arthur. I'm sorry. (sighs)

0:28:27 Fig: Well, I'm assuming that you came to say you know how to get us out. 'Cause you're so sorry that you scared away my dad for a second time.

0:28:36 Sandra Lynn: I'm helping Sklonda try to find a way to get you guys out of here. I don't know if your dad will be coming back. I wanted you to have these now that you know. (music changes to a smooth electric guitar riff)

0:28:49 Brennan: And she hands you a little picture book of old crystal polaroids. You see that there's pictures of your mom and Gilear when they were young. Your mom was an insane elf ranger rocker. She has leather studded wrist guards and bracers. She has all of these badass weapons. Short sides on the hair, like a mohawk. She looks like a lunatic, and you see Gilear there in a short button-up. Not as bald, but still sort of a far back hairline. Kind of looking square. There's pictures of her and Gorthalax at concerts and stuff like that, and you see a young Gorthalax and your mom.

0:29:36 Fig: Why are you giving these to me?

0:29:39 Sandra Lynn: (shrugs) Cat's out of the bag, you deserve to know.

0:29:42 Fig: So you just had this all along?

0:29:46 Sandra Lynn: I didn't know you'd sprout the horns. I thought we’d make it through. I'm going to try and get you guys out of here.

0:29:54 Brennan: She turns around and leaves. And you can't help but notice a strong similarity between the way you look now and the way your mom looked as a young woman.

0:30:02 Fig: Guys, I always thought I had daddy issues, but I'm starting to think I have mommy issues.

0:30:08 Adaine: I think you have a bunch of issues.

0:30:10 Riz: Just issues, period.

0:30:10 Fabian: Just issues.

0:30:11 Kristen: A layered cake of issues.

0:30:13 Adaine: Don't get us wrong, we really like you.

0:30:14 Riz: (counting on his fingers) Friend issues, daddy issues, mommy issues.

0:30:17 Fabian: (judgmentally) You're trying to hook up with a 24 year old, grown man with a medical degree.

0:30:21 Fig: Trying? I'm successfully. I'm successfully kissing him once every couple of weeks.

0:30:25 Riz: The vice principal,

0:30:28 Adaine: I mean deception is very creepy.

0:30:30 Kristen: Once every couple of weeks (laughs).

0:30:31 Adaine: Also you’re flirting with the principal.

0:30:32 Brennan: Later that day, you hear the stomping boots and swishing this green and gold cloak, Bill Seacaster walks up and says,

0:30:40 Bill: Right, let's have it open then.

0:30:41 Fabian: (whispering) Finally.

0:30:42 Brennan: You see that one of the cops opens the cell. He walks in, everyone here make a perception check. (dice rolling)

0:30:50 Murph: Not good.

0:30:52 Zac: Nat 1. (sad whoosh) (Siobhan laughs)

0:30:53 Lou: For the first time in the whole game, 18.

0:30:56 Ally: Hell yeah, 19.

0:30:56 Emily: I got a 20.

0:30:57 Siobhan: Yeah I got a 10.

0:30:58 Murph: 7.

0:30:59 Lou: Okay, it’s still not the best but it’s better than ever.

0:31:02 Brennan: So Gorgug, (laughing) you just rolled a nat one. You've met Bill Seacaster so many times. (mysterious music)

0:31:09 Lou: Don't fucking do this. Siobhan has her head in her hands.

0:31:13 Brennan: You realize it makes perfect sense now. It feels like things are coming to a head, your story's almost sort of unwinding, it’s unfolding. This makes sense. You're all on the Owlbears with Fabian. You and Fabian joined the same group. If you're not brothers, all it would require was Bill Seacaster to have a child with an orcish woman. How unlikely would that be? Bill Seacaster sailed all around the world. Of course he found an orcish woman! This was years ago, oh my god dude, Bill--

0:31:48 Gorgug: Father!

0:31:49 Fabian: What, who are you talking to?

0:31:50 Bill: (drawing his sword) What do you know? (pirate music)

0:31:53 Gorgug: Wait, are you my dad?

0:31:55 Fabian: Papa.

0:31:55 Bill: Are you my son?

0:31:58 Fabian: Papa, no way.

0:31:59 Riz: Is this real?

0:32:00 Gorgug: Are you my dad? You would know better than I would.

0:32:03 Riz: Have you ever been with an orcish woman?

0:32:04 Bill: (still holding his sword) Hundreds.

0:32:05 Fabian: Of course he has.

0:32:06 Gorgug: Why would you kill me?

0:32:08 Adaine: (to Fabian) Why would you know that?

0:32:09 Bill: Nobody surprises me with information I wasn't expecting.

0:32:13 Gorgug: I was just making a guess. It just seems like it’s true.

0:32:16 Fabian: (judgmentally) We are not brothers.

0:32:18 Gorgug: We could be twins.

0:32:20 Bill: (looking back and forth) Twins from two different wombs!

0:32:22 Gorgug: (clearly overwhelmed) Yeah.

0:32:23 Fabian: Both of you stop, Papa!

0:32:25 Bill: (crossing his arms) Well, leave it to Bill Seacaster to sire twins in two different women!

0:32:30 Fabian: No, Papa, everyone needs to stop. Everyone needs to stop. No one is, you're not my brother. You can't do that, Papa, you can do anything but you can't do that. (music stops)

0:32:41 Fabian: Anyway—

0:32:42 Fig: What if my mom is your mom with Bill Seacaster.

0:32:44 Fabian: Do not support this.

0:32:46 Brennan: He says,

0:32:48 Bill: Well, that's right. I have only one son in this room right now.

0:32:55 Gorgug: Me?

0:32:57 Bill: No.

0:32:59 Brennan: Those of you who rolled a 20 or higher on your perception,

0:33:04 Emily: (raising her hand) I did. (tense music)

0:33:05 Brennan: You see in Bill Seacaster's pocket, a lump and peeking out through the top of it you see a crystal palimpsest. (Emily gasps)

0:33:18 Brennan: He looks at you (Fabian) and says,

0:33:20 Bill: So me boy, you've found yourself here in the brig with your friends.

0:33:27 Fabian: Yes, papa. We were out crusading around town and you know better than anyone that adventures catch up with you at some point (laughs).

0:33:37 Bill: Do they now? 'Cause they never caught up with me. I took all my wealth, dragged my ship up out of the sea, and put it here to give you the best! chance! you could get.

0:33:48 Emily: I would like to try and Sleight of Hand it out of his pocket.

0:33:50 Brennan: Go ahead and make the check.

0:33:54 Emily: (nervous sound) (dice rolls) I got a 19.

0:33:58 Brennan: (dice rolls) You guys see Fig pull a crystal palimpsest out of Bill Seacaster's pocket.

0:34:04 Kristen: (alarmed) Aaah, um— did you ever have sex with anyone?

0:34:07 Gorgug: What'd you say?

0:34:08 Kristen: I'm sorry, I'm going wild.

0:34:09 Fabian: Stop asking my father--

0:34:10 Bill: It begins at the ripe old age of nine.

0:34:12 Fabian: Father! Riz makes a disgusted face.

0:34:14 Kristen: No adults will talk to me about this. My parents just say it doesn't happen until you are married, and all of a sudden you know everything.

0:34:19 Riz: Do you think he’s gonna give you—

0:34:20 Fabian: This is not the time.

0:34:22 Kristen: Sorry.

0:34:22 Bill: Oh, it’s not the time?

0:34:24 Fabian: No, it’s not the time, Papa.

0:34:25 Bill: Not the time for what?

0:34:27 Fabian: (impatient) Not the time to be educating my friends on your sexual endeavors, alright. Get us out of this goddamn jail cell.

0:34:33 Bill: (raising his voice) Oh you'll raise your voice at me now, will you!

0:34:35 Fabian: (yelling) Yes I will, Papa! (pirate music returns)

0:34:39 Bill: (pointing) I tried to give you the best life, and all it did was make you soft. (Fabian scoffs)

0:34:45 Bill: Do you know something? (yelling) I know just why you are not like me! It’s because I would never let any man speak to me the way I’m speaking to you right now!

0:34:59 Brennan: And he shoves you.

0:35:00 Lou: I would like to attempt to grapple him. Brennan lets out an impressed, soundless laugh.

0:35:04 Zac: Is he in our cell?

0:35:05 Brennan: He is in the cell with you.

0:35:06 Lou: Yeah, I would like to fight him.

0:35:08 Brennan: Go ahead and give me an opposed athletics. You need to beat a 19.

0:35:15 Lou: Not even close. Do I get advantage? Can I jump to him?

0:35:20 Riz: Jump, jump, jump.

0:35:21 Brennan: Yeah go ahead. If you jump at him, go for it.

0:35:24 Lou: Uh, didn't help. I can't beat my father. (Ally yells in sympathy)

0:35:28 Brennan: You leap and he takes you to the ground. (action noises)

0:35:32 Brennan: Gets you on your back and you see he says,

0:35:33 Bill: Are ye a Seacaster or aren't ya,h boy?!

0:35:38 Brennan: You see he goes,

0:35:38 Bill: Look at you, look at you here, in this prison! I told you what you needed to do! You didn't need to be friends. You didn't need to be nancing around with your peers. You're a captain.

0:35:49 Brennan: He hits your head into the floor.

0:35:51 Bill: You are meant to lead, boy!

0:35:53 Ally: Can I make a perception check on all this?

0:35:54 Brennan: Go for it.

0:35:59 Ally: That was a 17.

0:36:01 Brennan: Uh, 17, you see that yeah Fig has pulled his palimpsest from his coat. He is rolling on the floor with Fabian. He's got you (Fabian) pinned. You can attempt to escape the pin, or you can attempt to make an attack.

0:36:17 Lou: I would like to make an attack from within the pin.

0:36:19 Ally: Is he himself though? This is like a new Seacaster.

0:36:22 Murph: Is this a kill each other fight or is this a wrestling fight right now?

0:36:26 Brennan: Seems like a wrestling fight right now. Go ahead and roll your attack. : I'm not going to get involved until he's actually in danger.

0:36:30 Lou: Great, 26.

0:36:34 Brennan: (laughing) Yeah that will do it.

0:36:35 Lou: Okay great.

0:36:36 Brennan: If you want to take another attack you can as well.

0:36:39 Lou: Oh great, that’s, 12.

0:36:42 Brennan: First one hits. You see on his back, Fabian cocks a fist back and (wham) right across Seacaster's jaw. His eye patch fucking swivels on his head, and he flops to the ground next to you (bam).

0:36:59 Lou: I'd like to get on top of him and give him one more.

0:37:02 Brennan: Go for it.

0:37:03 Lou: Great, 18.

0:37:06 Brennan: That'll do it.

0:37:07 Lou: Great.

0:37:08 Brennan: You get on top of him (wham). Some teeth scatter across the floor. You see he goes, Bill Seacaster spits out blood, wipes his mouth, and laughs, slowly, ominously. (soulful music)

0:37:28 Brennan: He attempts to try and get up.

0:37:32 Lou: I'm going to hit him again.

0:37:33 Brennan: Go for it.

0:37:35 Murph: Oh god.

0:37:37 Lou: Uh, 26.

0:37:39 Brennan: You go (crack!) and you see he goes unconscious.

0:37:44 Lou: I'd like to get up and go walk off into the corner. (music ends)

0:37:47 Emily: Does he have, I'm going to search his pockets for--

0:37:50 Riz: What is this palimpsest thing?

0:37:52 Fig: I'm trying to hide it guys, let’s be discreet about it.

0:37:54 Kristen: I checked his pulse, he's knocked out.

0:37:56 Siobhan: Can I cast Detect Magic? I would like to see if there is anything going on.

0:38:01 Brennan: You don't detect any magic. This appears to be Bill Seacaster.

0:38:04 Siobhan: Okay, but he doesn't have any magical objects buzzing?

0:38:06 Brennan: I mean his eyepatch is magical. His rapier is magical. His coat is magical. He's an adventurer.

0:38:12 Emily: Do you want to Identify?

0:38:12 Zac: Can we investigate this? (pointing to the palimpsest)

0:38:13 Emily: Can I investigate this palimpsest?

0:38:16 Brennan: Yeah go for it.

0:38:17 Siobhan: With my Detect Magic can I see who's trapped in it?

0:38:19 Emily: (rolls) 14.

0:38:20 Brennan: There is no one trapped in it currently. It looks like a blank palimpsest.

0:38:25 Fig: Guys, we have spent all of our lives, some of us more than others, obsessed with our dads, and we've completely ignored our moms.

0:38:33 Adaine: You're just again talking about yourself.

0:38:36 Fig: Do you see what's happening? I'm watching Fabian literally beat up his dad.

0:38:39 Adaine: He has a great relationship with his mom.

0:38:42 Gorgug: I don't know, my mom's fine.

0:38:44 Murph: Can we check his pockets and see if there is anything else weird there?

0:38:46 Brennan: Sure, give me Investigate.

0:38:47 Murph: Uh, 16.

0:38:50 Brennan: You just find stuff in there. So he has the palimpsest, but there is other stuff in there that appears to be like gold coins and other stuff like that. You see that he has little bank slips from KVX.

0:39:00 Murph: Okay, I'll grab those.

0:39:03 Brennan: After a moment, you see that a cop walks back into the room. Sipping a little—

0:39:06 Emily: I pocket my crystal.

0:39:09 Brennan: —can of soda and goes,

0:39:09 Cop: God dang! This is why I am supposed to stay in the room.

0:39:14 Brennan: You see he comes in, and grabs Bill Seacaster's body. (dragging noise) Drags it out and says,

0:39:18 Cop: I tell ya we got to shape things up around here because boy we've had a lot of goofs recently, you know what I mean, okay.

0:39:28 Emily: I would like to cast Suggestion on him.

0:39:32 Brennan: Go for it.

0:39:34 Emily: I tell him, (magical musical riff)

0:39:34 Fig: When I ask for it, you'll give me the key to the door.

0:39:40 Gorgug: I think we could just leave right now.

0:39:41 Adaine: Aren't we bailed out?

0:39:43 Emily: Oh, we are?

0:39:44 Brennan: You see that he drags Seacaster out, closes the door, (slamming) locks it, and goes,

0:39:49 Cop: Uh sure, do you work for the Feds?

0:39:53 Fig: Yeah.

0:39:54 Cop: Okay.

0:39:54 Brennan: You see that he walks, he takes Bill Seacaster out of the office. You hear a moment of silence and then you hear,

0:40:01 Agent Worrel: God damn it! No she doesn't work for us, she's in the cell! (laughter)

0:40:08 Agent Worrel: What is wrong, what is actually wrong? Someone explain to me. In a way that I can understand how this happened. (laughter)

0:40:17 Brennan: Bill Seacaster is dragged out of there.

0:40:19 Kristen: (patting Fabian) Sorry about your dad.

0:40:20 Lou: Is his eye patch still, did his eye patch go flying?

0:40:23 Brennan: It did not go flying. It just swung around his head.

0:40:25 Zac: Can I, I'm just frustrated, Can I look at the window, the bars on the window?

0:40:30 Brennan: Sure.

0:40:31 Zac: Do I need to make an Investigate, I'm just going to go in a rage and try to pull the--

0:40:36 Emily: So we are still in here, right? We're all still stuck in here?

0:40:38 Murph: Yeah.

0:40:40 Fig: Why don't I Dimension Door one of, two of us out?

0:40:42 Riz: Hell yeah.

0:40:43 Fabian: You will die.

0:40:45 Fig: Why?

0:40:46 Riz: I'm not going to sit in this cell the whole time.

0:40:47 Zac: I'm going to go into a rage and try to strength check, just open this.

0:40:50 Brennan: Go for it.

0:40:53 Riz: Yeah we got to get the hell out of here.

0:40:55 Zac: I rolled a, what's my Strength, is it a saving throw or just regular Strength?

0:41:01 Brennan: It’s just regular Strength. (rumbling)

0:41:02 Zac: Okay, but I have advantage 'cause I'm raging. Okay, so 14. (laughs)

0:41:07 Brennan: You cannot pull the bars apart.

0:41:11 Riz: Alright Fig, if you can get me out of here I can steal the keys off that dude, he's not smart.

0:41:15 Adaine: You're tiny though, right? Can't you get through the bars?

0:41:17 Brennan: Go ahead and give me an Arcana check, real quick.

0:41:18 Siobhan: Great. (dice rolls) 19.

0:41:24 Brennan: You see that there is an abjurative ward on the jail cell. That's an arcane spell sink. So, spell energy goes (slurps).

0:41:29 Murph: Can I try to squeeze through the bars?

0:41:33 Brennan: Yeah you can try to squeeze through, go for it.

0:41:34 Murph: That's not going to work, Acrobatics, 16.

0:41:38 Brennan: Unfortunately, no. You guys, you hear no more word from Bill Seacaster. You guys spend days here. Until you are eventually brought to your own cells that are all on the same block so you can keep talking to each other.

0:41:48 Siobhan: Shit.

0:41:57 Brennan: Days turn into a couple weeks.

0:41:59 Ally: Fuck.

0:42:00 Lou: Jesus.

0:42:00 Emily: Okay, well guys I have to do something then. So we have to do some kind of shenanigans. I'm going to disguise myself as one of, as the elven woman.

0:42:04 Brennan: Cool.

0:42:07 Emily: Who's the lead prosecutor, and I'm going to start making a ruckus and be like,

0:42:13 Fig: That little bitch got away! She got away!

0:42:17 Brennan: You see that one of the cops looks and says,

0:42:20 Cop: Oh my god, she got away!

0:42:21 Fig: That little bitch, I went in to go have conversation with her—

0:42:26 Brennan: You see another cop comes up and says,

0:42:27 Cop: (New York accent) Whoa, whoa, whoa, ey, question for you, if she got away, why did you get into the jail cell, you know?

0:42:33 Fig: Because she pushed me in. Because she's a crafty adorable little girl.

0:42:38 Kristen: (laughter) She got you, bitch.

0:42:38 Cop: Alright, let's get her (gun shots).

0:42:41 Brennan: They just open fire in the jail, running down the hallway.

0:42:44 Fig: Oh quick, wait, let me out of here.

0:42:46 Cop: (still shooting) We got to get her now!

0:42:48 Emily: I chase after them, to try and get the--

0:42:50 Brennan: Oh, they didn't open the door. They just run down the hallway shooting wildly in the air. (Emily groans, frustrated)

0:42:51 Riz: You guys are terrible!

0:42:53 Ally: Is there like a dog somewhere that I can like (laughing) shove a bone to.

0:42:58 Brennan: You guys hear, at the end of the hallway. A little dog with a key (laughs). You guys hear, at the end of the hall,

0:43:05 Agent Worrel: (gun shots) God damn it! You idiots! Call a medic!

0:43:10 Cop: Oh geesh lady, sorry I shot you in the leg there.

0:43:13 Agent Worrel: Why are you opening fire!

0:43:16 Riz: I'm a medic.

0:43:17 Cop: This guy seems like he's got some kind of medic. Agent Worrel: He doesn't! Anything down there is prisoners. No more—

0:43:25 Fig: (yelling) That's her! I am the real, I am the real one!

0:43:27 Murph: I have a Healer feat, I am actually a medic, so.

0:43:31 Ally: Can I talk to the woman?

0:43:32 Brennan: Yes you can.

0:43:32 Ally: Can I like, call her over?

0:43:33 Kristen: Hey, um—

0:43:35 Emily: I'm still looking like her and eyeing her.

0:43:37 Kristen: I'm aware, I am like an active suspect and I've been in here for so long, but I know a lot about the people that you are trying to find. 'Cause I grew up in a very religious house so if you need any help or—

0:43:51 Agent Worrel: Who am I trying to find?

0:43:52 Kristen: Shouldn't you tell me?

0:43:55 Agent Worrel: I found the people I am trying to find. It’s the six of you.

0:43:57 Kristen: There are people--

0:43:58 Adaine: We are children.

0:43:59 Kristen: There are evil people out there.

0:44:02 Agent Worrel: I am the head of the juvenile department.

0:44:06 Zac: Can I roll Insight on this?

0:44:07 Brennan: Yes.

0:44:07 Riz: I'm 14, how am I in a regular jail?

0:44:08 Zac: 18.

0:44:10 Agent Worrel: Because the child jail—

0:44:13 Brennan: What's that?

0:44:15 Zac: 18 Insight check.

0:44:16 Brennan: She just looks like a hardass federal agent. She looks at you (Fig) and says,

0:44:20 Agent Worrel: So, I am the fake me and you are the real me?

0:44:24 Fig: You know what—

0:44:24 Agent Worrel: Cool, what's my name? What's your name?

0:44:26 Fig: Your name—

0:44:27 Agent Worrel: What's your name?

0:44:28 Fig: My name—

0:44:29 Agent Worrel: What's your name?

0:44:30 Fig: I'm a (stuttering) Katie—

0:44:32 Agent Worrel: What? Katie?

0:44:34 Fig: Katie—

0:44:35 Agent Worrel: (yelling) Are you sure it’s Katie? Would you bet your life on Katie?

0:44:38 Fig: (yelling) Yeah I fucking would, 'cause I'm not afraid to die 'cause you've pigs have had me locked up!

0:44:42 Agent Worrel: My name is Angela Worrel! And you're an idiot! As is every cop in this precinct.

0:44:47 Gorgug: You're a pig! (Murph laughs)

0:44:49 Ally: I hand her a ripped out page from my crazy world religion book. That has the Harvestmen on it, like a little blurb. And I try to act really like--

0:44:59 Brennan: She takes it and goes,

0:44:59 Agent Worrel: God damn it! none of them are supposed to have their things with them in the cells!

0:45:06 Brennan: And she walks out of here.

0:45:08 Emily: I would like, oh is she leaving?

0:45:09 Brennan: They walk, it goes max security.

0:45:12 Lou: Can I, where is the Hangman?

0:45:16 Brennan: Just out and about.

0:45:17 Lou: Oh, okay.

0:45:21 Siobhan: Gotta try.

0:45:23 Fabian: Hangman.

0:45:24 Hangman: (engine revving) Master, long have I missed the warmth of your thighs on my seat.

0:45:29 Fabian: I'm glad this is in my head and no one else can hear things like that, Christ. Hangman, could you assemble a party of some kind or do something to get other demons--

0:45:41 Hangman: (revving) I would be my deepest honor and greatest satisfaction to assemble a crew unlike any the world has ever seen. To free you from bondage, Sire. I shall lay low the foundations of the world to see you made whole once again.

0:46:03 Fabian: (delicately) Thank you, Hangman. (motorcycle revs)

0:46:08 Fabian: Guys, my bike is going to free us.

0:46:08 Riz: It’s just going to go to a Harley Davidson dealer and come out with a crew of bikes.

0:46:14 Brennan: Alright guys, sorry, one last thing?

0:46:17 Murph: I know that there are magic runes prevention things. The Sword of Shadows that I got from Fabian here has a teleport as a disengage. I would like to just try that.

0:46:26 Brennan: You can do it in your room all you want but it doesn't get you out.

0:46:30 Emily: I look over and I'm like,

0:46:30 Fig: Riz, are you okay? What's happening over there?

0:46:33 Riz: (bing) (bing) (bing) (bing) Yeah, I'm Nightcrawler.

0:46:35 Emily: I turn into Angela again.

0:46:36 Brennan: After you talk to the Hangman (dice rolls) A few more days pass by.

0:46:45 Siobhan: (quietly) Dang.

0:46:45 Brennan: Everybody make, I guess just an Intelligence check, call it a DC 15 Intelligence. (dice rolls)

0:46:49 Murph: Uh, (stuttering)

0:46:52 Lou: Not a chance.

0:46:54 Siobhan: Nope.

0:46:54 Murph: 18.

0:46:55 Zac: 15.

0:46:56 Emily: 11. (tense, quiet music)

0:46:58 Brennan: It is May 15th, which is the day of prom. You guys are in your cells. You hear something in your mind Fabian, you've been here for a long time, you hear a little, (motorcycle engine revs) and you hear a voice out in the cop area. They have not been in here in a while. They've been disallowed from interacting with you guys. You hear a voice outside be like,

0:47:25 Unknown: (polite, Midwestern) Ah, hey there guys how's it going? Everyone doing good in here, great. Just got some mail, some deliveries here.

0:47:33 Brennan: And you hear some sort of parcels being passed out. Walking down the hall of the jail cell, you see a little halfling postman with little shorts and a shirt and one of those little pith helmets.

0:47:46 Adaine: (gasps) Hello sir, remember us?

0:47:48 Bud Cubby: Oh gosh there gang, how's it going?

0:47:51 Riz: (whispering) The fucking feds got us in here man. I know you hate the Goddamn feds.

0:47:52 Adaine: Yeah, man, the pigs have got us.

0:47:52 Fig: (whispering) They got us.

0:47:54 Gorgug: You're the guy from the ice cream shop.

0:47:56 Bud: I picked you guys up in the car! How's it going guys? Ah, the kids miss you. Martha, Lee, and Pep, everybody says hi. Daisy sends her best.

0:48:03 Fig: Do you know why we are in here? Remember that guy that almost killed you and your family in the car, and then we took care of him?

0:48:09 Bud: Mm-hm!

0:48:10 Fig: They got us in here for that.

0:48:12 Bud: (exaggerated) What?

0:48:13 Brennan: You see he winks at you and says,

0:48:14 Bud: (quietly) Sweetheart, you don't got to sweettalk me. We like you kids, we think you're alright. The Hangman already explained everything to us. (dramatic chord in the music)

0:48:22 Fabian: What, the Hangman?

0:48:22 Brennan: He says,

0:48:22 Bud: Listen, here's the thing. I don't know what you kids are up to, but I do know one thing. Laws are threats made by the dominant socioeconomic ethnic group in a given nation. It’s just the promise of violence that's enacted, and the police are basically an occupying army, you know what I mean. You guys want to make some bacon? (group laughter)

0:48:41 Brennan: He pulls a mask over his face. Pulls a lit Molotov cocktail out of his mailbag, and (whoosh, explosion)

0:48:50 Adaine: That was on fire the whole time?

0:48:52 Bud: (yelling) The whole time kiddo!

0:48:53 Adaine: You’re so brave!

0:48:54 Brennan: He goes (boom). Hits the lock, opens the jail cell. You see the fucking halflings with black ski masks rappel in, and just start opening fire, smashing shit.

0:48:59 Murph: I'm calling out,

0:49:03 Riz: My mom works here. A lot of these people are good people.

0:49:06 Bud: Lets make some fucking bacon! (shooting)

0:49:08 Riz: Let's not, let's chill. (yelling)

0:49:10 Gorgug: Let's go!

0:49:13 Brennan: You guys dip the fuck out of there in a hail of gunfire.

0:49:17 Adaine: (yelling) Get our stuff please.

0:49:18 Kristen: Okay. To the AV club.

0:49:21 Fabian: It’s been months.

0:49:22 Adaine: It’s months, we've been in jail. My parents didn't visit me one time.

0:49:27 Kristen: Yeah, mine neither.

0:49:29 Fig: My mom visited me just to drop off her memories. I wonder if she went to kill herself.

0:49:31 Gorgug: I wonder if my parents realize I’m in jail. (laughter)

0:49:34 Fabian: My parents came to jail and I beat the shit out them, so maybe, maybe--

0:49:38 Fig: Gilear didn't even visit me! Gilear and Gorthalax didn't.

0:49:40 Gorgug: Let's just go to prom. Let’s just see what's going on with prom, right?

0:49:44 Riz: We know bad stuff is going on at prom, maybe?

0:49:47 Brennan: You guys dip out from here, I'm going to need either a Stealth from somebody.

0:49:52 Murph: Sure.

0:49:53 Brennan: I'm going to say, make it with disadvantage 'cause you're trying to hide the whole group.

0:49:55 Murph: Okay.

0:49:57 Brennan: I guess you guys are trying to help.

0:49:58 Emily: I can also cast—

0:49:59 Brennan: Make a flat stealth check.

0:50:00 Murph: Okay (dice rolls) 25.

0:50:04 Siobhan: Fuck yeah.

0:50:08 Brennan: Riz, you dart out of the police precinct. You hear fire and noise and shouting from behind you. As you guys dip out of there as fast as you can. You guys run down an alleyway, and Riz you start guiding them through these back alleys and different small areas in the city center. What are you guys going to do?

0:50:34 Riz: Let's--

0:50:36 Gorgug: Shouldn't we call the principal and see if there is anything going on at school?

0:50:40 Riz: Yeah.

0:50:41 Kristen: Yeah.

0:50:41 Gorgug: And see if he, in the weeks--

0:50:41 Fig: I think we should just crawl into, I think we should break into Aguefort's office and go through his stuff.

0:50:44 Adaine: Yeah.

0:50:47 Fabian: I feel like we should--

0:50:50 Riz: We either go to Seacaster Manor or Aguefort's.

0:50:51 Fabian: We're not going to Seacaster Manor.

0:50:53 Fig: Not going to Seacaster Manor.

0:50:53 Riz: But he's up to something.

0:50:53 Kristen: He is up to something.

0:50:54 Riz: He’s up to something.

0:50:54 Fig: Also I've got this freakin’ crystal palimpsest from your dad.

0:50:58 Gorgug: Wait, can we use that palimpsest or see what the number is associated with, is it that kind of crystal?

0:51:05 Riz: It's to trap people.

0:51:05 Brennan: No it's not a phone it's like a hard drive.

0:51:07 Riz: It's for trapping people.

0:51:09 Adaine: But there's nobody in there right now.

0:51:11 Kristen: Should we go spy on Bill Seacaster?

0:51:15 Fig: I think we need to go through Aguefort's shit.

0:51:17 Riz: Why don't we go to Aguefort, and then we could see if there, 'cause we might be able to do something. That could be a special one or something. It might be, I don't know, maybe that's supposed to go to the AV club or something. I don't know, maybe we go there.

0:51:26 Fabian: I can send the Hangman to spy on my father.

0:51:29 Riz: Okay.

0:51:30 Kristen: Oh that's a great idea.

0:51:32 The Hangman: I shall go and see the secrets of your father, William Seacaster.

0:51:38 Fabian: Thank you Hangman.

0:51:39 The Hangman: I too felt his buttocks astride my leather seat.

0:51:42 Fabian: Ugh, no, don't remind me. Thank you, just go. Thank you.

0:51:46 The Hangman: A great man, but not as great as you.

0:51:48 Fabian: That's very kind of you, bike. (motorcycle engine revs)

0:51:50 Brennan: Hangman tears off.

0:51:53 Kristen: Okay, let's go.

0:51:54 Riz: I guess we'll just go to Aguefort.

0:51:55 Fig: Question is, how are we gonna?

0:51:58 Gorgug: Do we have any friends at prom? That we can just hear what the vibe is.

0:52:02 Riz: I'm guessing it’s not prom time yet, right?

0:52:03 Fabian: What time is it?

0:52:04 Brennan: Not prom time yet. You have probably two hours.

0:52:08 Adaine: Oh my god, why don't we call Ragh. Right?

0:52:10 Fabian: Fair.

0:52:13 Adaine: Right, like at least he knows what's been going on at school

0:52:14 Fabian: We should find out what's been happening in the months we've been away.

0:52:17 Riz: We're going to try to find Ragh.

0:52:19 Brennan: Do you want to call him or try to find him?

0:52:20 Fig: Let's call him.

0:52:21 Adaine: Yeah.

0:52:22 Fabian: We could text him to meet us somewhere, or yeah call him.

0:52:23 Fig: I'll just call him.

0:52:23 Riz: Ragh is very stupid. I feel like if we don't pull him aside, he's going to be with somebody or something. Should we go to Aguefort and either you (Fig) dress up as somebody else or I sneak in and we just pull Ragh out into the parking lot.

0:52:34 Fig: I think you sneak around the back of his office. I disguise myself and go in and then we can convene in there.

0:52:40 Riz: Cool.

0:52:41 Brennan: Awesome.

0:52:41 Riz: Is that cool with everybody?

0:52:42 Fabian: Fair.

0:52:43 Kristen: Yeah.

0:52:46 Brennan: You dip out. You head to Aguefort. Who all is going where at Aguefort? Onscreen is a map of Elmville, with a line from the police station to Aguefort Adventuring Academy.

0:52:52 Fig: Although it would be great to get Adaine in.

0:52:56 Kristen: Your sister?

0:52:57 Adaine: Yeah, I mean I can cast Invisibility on myself, and I could even carry you (Riz).

0:53:03 Riz: Oh, cool.

0:53:04 Adaine: With Invisibility, but it only lasts for a minute. So we have to fucking run in there.

0:53:08 Gorgug: I'll wait outside.

0:53:08 Fabian: Yes, I'll stay with Gorgug outside

0:53:11 Fig: I'm gonna--

0:53:12 Adaine: Can you disguise other people?

0:53:14 Fig: No just myself.

0:53:15 Riz: You can ask Ragh what's going on.

0:53:15 Fig: Yeah, you’re right, I don’t need to help you.

0:53:16 Riz: We're going to go into Aguefort's office and see if, or should we talk to Goldenhoard?

0:53:21 Fig: I can always talk to Goldenhoard.

0:53:22 Gorgug: You can do both, maybe.

0:53:24 Riz: Yeah. The offices are pretty close, right?

0:53:26 Brennan: The school is closed 'cause they're getting ready for prom.

0:53:28 Riz: We told Goldenhoard to go into Aguefort's office so I don't know how, he has whatever was in there I think, probably.

0:53:36 Gorgug: Call him and then--

0:53:37 Riz: We can try to do both. Let's just go.

0:53:38 Fig: Okay.

0:53:40 Riz: Cool, so me and Adaine are invisible.

0:53:41 Fig: So you guys are going into the office.

0:53:44 Riz: Just (laughs) rushing into the office.

0:53:46 Fig: Yeah I guess you don't even need me disguised.

0:53:48 Riz: But we want to talk to Ragh, so you should go in and talk to Ragh.

0:53:50 Fig: Okay, I go on in.

0:53:50 Brennan: The school is locked up, lights out. They're getting ready for prom--

0:53:55 Zac: Prom is at school though?

0:53:56 Brennan: Prom is in the gym, which is a separate buildng.

0:53:58 Riz: Oh so we can just sneak in.

0:54:00 Adaine: So we don't need to use Invisibility.

0:54:03 Kristen: Okay, let’s go.

0:54:03 Riz: We'll turn invisible if we need to, so we go into the school.

0:54:06 Brennan: You guys rush into the school. You get to the school, the doors are locked.

0:54:11 Murph: Okay, I will do Thieves’ Tools check.

0:54:14 Brennan: Cool, DC 15.

0:54:17 Murph: That's Dex plus proficiency bonus?

0:54:19 Brennan: Yes.

0:54:19 Zac: Can we help him?

0:54:21 Murph: I, eh, 17. (suspenseful music)

0:54:22 Brennan: Cool, Riz takes out the Thieves’ Tools. Opens the door, the door opens. You guys begin to walk through the halls of the Aguefort Adventuring Academy. With the lights off in here and the ring of the linoleum and the metal lockers, it’s just echoey and empty here. You see sort of, the only light provided is the dull icy white hum of the crystal cameras up around everywhere.

0:54:51 Fig: Oh man.

0:54:51 Fabian: There are cameras.

0:54:52 Emily: Can I cast Darkness around us so that the cameras wouldn't detect us?

0:54:56 Brennan: You can do that.

0:54:56 Emily: It can follow us?

0:54:58 Brennan: It can detect a moving thing of darkness but yeah.

0:54:59 Murph: That's fine.

0:55:01 Emily: Alright, yeah cool.

0:55:02 Brennan: You guys head through, walking very carefully. You arrive at the door of Arthur Agueort's office.

0:55:08 Murph: Cool, I try to open it.

0:55:10 Brennan: Locked as well.

0:55:13 Murph: (rolls) Not great.

0:55:14 Zac: Can we help his roll?

0:55:14 Murph: Yeah, do you guys wanna,

0:55:15 Brennan: You can give him advantage, yeah.

0:55:19 Murph: (rolls again) I rolled two 4’s.

0:55:19 Lou: Can I kick the door down.

0:55:20 Brennan: Go ahead and make an Athletics check.

0:55:23 Lou: Yeah, a fucking 20.

0:55:25 Brennan: You are fiddling with this. You hear a little voice say,

0:55:29 Enchanted Door: (whimsical old wizard) Ah, fiddle dee dee, a little thief attempting to break into the vault of Arthur Aguefort. This enchanted door shall find—

0:55:37 Brennan: (bam) and you see that Fabian's foot just connects (boom) the door flies open.

0:55:43 Fabian: We've got things to do, The Ball, let's do them.

0:55:46 Riz: Look at the bin, look in the bin.

0:55:49 Brennan: Go ahead and make an Investigate check.

0:55:51 Riz: Let's kind of investigate around.

0:55:52 Murph: Wow a 1. (sad whoosh)

0:55:54 Ally: I got it, 18.

0:55:57 Siobhan: 19.

0:55:59 Brennan: You see that the bin is empty. It looks—

0:56:06 Siobhan: Can I do an Arcana check on it?

0:56:07 Brennan: Sure.

0:56:10 Siobhan: (rolls) What's that, 21. (tense music)

0:56:12 Brennan: Umh, 21, you see that there are other sort of files and folders and stuff that are here in the room. You see also that Watches and Wards is still here since September 1st when Kristen Applebees brought it here.

0:56:30 Adaine: Wasn't Watches and Wards supposed to be in the library to stop bad spells from happening in the school?

0:56:35 Brennan: It absolutely was.

0:56:36 Adaine: Can we take it back there?

0:56:39 Brennan: I'm going to go ahead and give you guys some stuff.

0:56:40 Siobhan: Is there--

0:56:42 Ally: Can we look under it and look at the bin itself?

0:56:45 Siobhan: Does he have an computer with a trash folder?

0:56:48 Emily: I want to go through his desk and look for secret drawers under the drawers?

0:56:51 Brennan: What were the Investigate checks you all made?

0:56:52 Ally: I did a 19.

0:56:53 Brennan: 19?

0:56:53 Lou: 12.

0:56:54 Murph: 1.

0:56:54 Brennan: 12.

0:56:55 Siobhan: Uh, 19.

0:56:56 Emily: I had gotten a 6.

0:56:57 Zac: 17, I have a negative 1.

0:56:59 Brennan: Cool, (handing Siobhan a written card) here is Watches and Wards. Which you can use Detect Magic on. Here (hands out more papers) is some stuff that you guys find, which seems kind of boring. It's just payroll and federal paperwork information.

0:57:11 Riz: Okay, we want to look at that because we know that somebody was paying the school or something. When we went to Daybreak's, there was weird stuff. Somebody on the school board was paying money to the Harvestmen or something?

0:57:25 Brennan: Well Daybreak was getting a huge salary.

0:57:26 Fig: Well Daybreak was getting— yeah.

0:57:27 Riz: Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we look into Daybreak's salary?

0:57:29 Adaine: (reading Watches and Wards) Oh shit!

0:57:31 Riz: (reading the payroll) Oh it's on here! I thought—

0:57:32 Gorgug: (to Adaine) What is it?

0:57:34 Brennan: Go ahead and read, let's read these out loud. Let's start, you guys can read that. Adaine, why don't you go ahead and read what you've learned here. Onscreen is an image of the pages of Watches and Wards, which are printed in runes of some kind.

0:57:42 Adaine: “You are reading the first few pages of Watches and Wards. Examining the spell with Detect Magic, you can see a powerful abjuration preventing Kalvaxus from ever touching the book or asking someone to remove the book for him”, which means that my sister is not Kalvaxus. “As long as the book is kept in the restricted section of the library, no summonings or harmful conjurations can occur on school grounds. Only Arthur Aguefort or the elven oracle are physically capable of removing the book from the restricted section of the library. All others will be knocked unconscious on their first attempt.”

0:58:18 Riz: Is your sister?

0:58:18 Kristen: The elven oracle...

0:58:19 Adaine: No, I removed it.

0:58:20 Fig: You removed it, so you're the elven oracle.

0:58:22 Murph: Do you have anything? Can you do an Arcana check on yourself to see if your memories were erased? Adaine looks absolutely overwhelmed.

0:58:31 Fig: Can you cast Identify on yourself?

0:58:33 Adaine: I— I don't know?

0:58:33 Fabian: I'm sorry, the elven oracle is a child? You’re not a child but a teen.

0:58:39 Murph: Can I do an Arcana, wait, how did you find out that your sister had her mind erased or whatever. Was that a spell?

0:58:46 Gorgug: She had that spell.

0:58:47 Adaine: I did Detect Thoughts on her.

0:58:48 Kristen: I can, aw, I don't have Detect Thoughts.

0:58:50 Murph: But she had, what was that spell called?

0:58:53 Adaine: The Modify Memory.

0:58:53 Fabian: Modify Memory.

0:58:55 Zac: I'm going to make a, I have a negative 1 to Arcana but I'm going to try.

0:58:59 Murph: I have an Arcana check, but I don't think anything not magic is going to be able to--

0:59:01 Zac: 5.

0:59:03 Ally: I got an 18 on Arcana.

0:59:05 Brennan: Okay.

0:59:06 Murph: I got a 21.

0:59:07 Brennan: You start looking, so what are you trying to figure out?

0:59:09 Siobhan: Can I cast Detect Thoughts on myself?

0:59:12 Riz: Cast Detect Thoughts on yourself. I'm just going to watch her eyes.

0:59:14 Gorgug: Can you dispel that spell?

0:59:16 Brennan: Give me a History check and an Arcana check.

0:59:21 Siobhan: Okay. (rolling) I got a 20 History, not nat, (rolling again) and I got a 24 Arcana. (mysterious music)

0:59:31 Brennan: I'm going to give you two pieces of information. for each of those checks.

0:59:33 Siobhan: (softly) Fuck.

0:59:36 Brennan: The first piece of information is this. There have been many elven oracles. The elven oracle is a position that is filled by one elf at a time exclusively. As an incredibly potent arcane figure in the world. The other piece of information is that on the evening of August 31st, the day before you went to Aguefort. Presumably, the elven oracle died. (dramatic music)

1:00:08 Adaine: So, when the last elven oracle dies, did I become the next elven oracle?

1:00:14 Riz: Do you know what being an oracle does?

1:00:15 Gorgug: Santa Claus. (Brennan laughs)

1:00:17 Fig: Yeah, what does it mean to be the elven oracle?

1:00:18 Adaine: Did I get Santa Claused into being the elven oracle? (laughs)

1:00:20 Riz: You're Santa Claus.

1:00:22 Kristen: Who died and how?

1:00:25 Fig: It was in that shipwreck.

1:00:26 Adaine: It was in the shipwreck, the elven oracle died.

1:00:28 Kristen: Oh right, whoa.

1:00:30 Gorgug: So then, can you dispel, can you modify your mem—

1:00:34 Fabian: Well I don't think her, it’s not her--

1:00:34 Murph: I don't think that it's her memory—

1:00:37 Kristen: (crosstalk) But the ship has sank—

1:00:38 Fig: Your sister knew, your sister knew that you became—

1:00:41 Adaine: But how did my sister know that I became the elven oracle?

1:00:44 Fig: She must just know.

1:00:46 Gorgug: Is your family in on—

1:00:47 Adaine: That sneaky little bitch, I hate her so much. The camera cuts to Brennan, who is smiling but has his eyebrows raised.

1:00:48 Fig: Then she got you to steal that thing, and she was also tied to--

1:00:50 Gorgug: We should put the book back.

1:00:51 Kristen: Let's put the book back.

1:00:52 Adaine: We should definitely put the book back.

1:00:54 Kristen: This is what I have. Financial, this is the full people on payroll. (suspenseful music) Onscreen is an image of spreadsheets. One has a coffee stain in the corner. They have the names of all of Aguefort’s employees, their job titles, and their pay.

1:00:58 Kristen: We have Jawbone, the guidance counselor. Gilear, the Lunch Lad.

1:01:02 Fig: How much does Gilear make?

1:01:02 Riz: Do these match up? I have one that’s a list of everyone's race. Onscreen is more papers, this one with a cover page that says “Federal Diversity Initiative”. This one also has a coffee stain.

1:01:05 Fabian: Yes, those match up.

1:01:06 Fig: How much does Gilear make?

1:01:07 Riz: So he's a human, human lycanthrope, okay.

1:01:09 Kristen and Riz: Elf, Gilear, demon, Gorthalax. Half-elf, Jace.

1:01:13 Fig: How much does Porter make?

1:01:15 Fabian: It’s not an amount, it seems to be the race associated with that person.

1:01:17 Riz: That’s a fucked-up form.

1:01:19 Brennan: So the issue is that you are cross-referencing the payroll information, which does have pay information, and a piece of federal paperwork that's about a diversity initiative from the federal government. So, it’s listing the different species of the teachers here.

1:01:34 Kristen: Cool.

1:01:34 Riz: Got it. Does one of them not match up?

1:01:36 Fig: Do we notice a disparity in pay per species?

1:01:39 Riz: The only non-humanoid is Casavian the Wise, who's the custodian.

1:01:44 Brennan: Make an Investigation check for me Riz.

1:01:50 Murph: Uh, 19.

1:01:52 Brennan: You're cross-referencing it. They don't line up. One of those lists is one longer than the other.

1:02:00 Kristen: Oh, got it. Lou is pointing on the list.

1:02:02 Brennan: You guys see Riz furiously (scribbles).

1:02:08 Riz: Okay so there are 28 races, and 27 of these.

1:02:12 Kristen: Cool, so someone has been scrubbed from here who is a non-humanoid.

1:02:18 Adaine: It just says non-humanoid?

1:02:19 Gorgug: Is Porter on there?

1:02:20 Fabian: Yes, Porter is on there.

1:02:21 Brennan: You guys pass by the library with Watches and Wards in your hands.

1:02:27 Adaine: Okay, let's go into the library.

1:02:28 Zac: Wait, can I make a perception check?

1:02:30 Siobhan: Yeah, good idea. I will also do that.

1:02:33 Zac: I only got a 10.

1:02:34 Siobhan: 18.

1:02:34 Brennan: You guys can make some perception checks on your way out of Aguefort's office as well.

1:02:38 Emily: I got a 16, oh no I didn't I got a 7.

1:02:41 Siobhan: (correcting herself from earlier) Oh, 16.

1:02:42 Lou: 9.

1:02:44 Brennan: 17, what was the highest that someone got?

1:02:48 Zac: I got a 10.

1:02:50 Brennan: As you are leaving, you broke in here a long time ago at the very beginning of, sorry. Riz was the one who broke into the principal's office, right?

1:03:00 Murph: Yeah. (mysterious music)

1:03:01 Brennan: You broke in here. As you are leaving, you notice one thing. The waste paper bin, which is totally clean you didn't find anything in, isn't in the spot where it was when you broke in here last.

1:03:13 Murph: Okay, so I check this.

1:03:15 Adaine: (whispering) Oh my God, it’s a secret door.

1:03:17 Murph: Let’s go--

1:03:17 Adaine: Put it where it used to be.

1:03:19 Murph: Okay, I take the bin and put it where it used to be.

1:03:23 Brennan: (lifting up his hands in anticipation) Nothing happens.

1:03:25 Siobhan: Fuck.

1:03:25 Ally: Goddamn it.

1:03:26 Emily: No, no, no, I take it and put it upside down.

1:03:29 Brennan: You see... an upside down waste paper bin.

1:03:32 Siobhan: (laughing) Oh no!

1:03:33 Gorgug: We asked Goldenrod to check out the trash can. Maybe it is in his office, whatever was in there.

1:03:41 Riz: Yeah. Let's go.

1:03:42 Riz: We need to put this in the library.

1:03:45 Brennan: You can walk in to the library on your way to--

1:03:46 Adaine: Yes, great, so let's put--

1:03:48 Brennan: You guys get to the library. You sneak in, you still have the Darkness up. (woosh) You put the book in there. You guys see that as you put the book back, (magical chiming) Adaine floats up in the air about a foot, and is surrounded by motes of silvery light.

1:04:03 Adaine: I'm not doing this. This isn't me.

1:04:04 Kristen: Oh no. Oh no.

1:04:06 Brennan: (singing, imitating angelic music) And you see that an image of a (dissonant chiming) spectral elven woman with flowing hair looks and says, (sighs) and kisses you on the forehead. Says,

1:04:21 Eleminthindriel: Every oracle dies. I died in a shipwreck. Brutal. (shakes her head)

1:04:34 Adaine: Yeah, what, you didn't see it coming?

1:04:36 Gorgug: That sucks.

1:04:38 Eleminthindriel: (sighs) I did, but I thought there was a shot, I took a swing and it ended up a miss, you know what I mean?

1:04:47 Adaine: You know I really do.

1:04:49 Eleminthindriel: Sometimes it doesn't work out that way.

1:04:50 Adaine: Sometimes it doesn't work out.

1:04:53 Eleminthindriel: The future, the might of prophecy, and the endless strands of fate are in good hands, young one. And for real, be careful on ships because when shit goes sideways there's nowhere to go its just ocean.

1:05:06 Adaine: It seems really dangerous, right. I should just learn Water Breathing so that if that happens, I'm okay.

1:05:10 Eleminthindriel: You learned Water Breathing? The fuck of it, I had it in my spell book and didn't prepare it.

1:05:11 Adaine: (sympathetic) No, damn.

1:05:12 Eleminthindriel: Had it in my spell book, didn't prepare it, on a ship.

1:05:17 Adaine: Yeah that seems--

1:05:18 Fabian: Who are you?

1:05:20 Eleminthindriel: (suddenly booming yelling) I am the elven oracle of days past!

1:05:24 Brennan: (poof) Motes of light.

1:05:26 Fabian: (flabbergasted) Okay! (Brennan laughing)

1:05:27 Adaine: She's definitely dead. I guess is what we are learning here.

1:05:34 Brennan: You guys march on over to Goldenhoard's office.

1:05:36 Kristen: Can I do something weird? I have something inspiring I want to say to everyone, but I also don't want to take up too much of anyone's time. I just feel like I am always talking- (mysterious music)

1:05:47 Riz: Hey guys, there’s no dragonborn on here.

1:05:48 Adaine: What?

1:05:50 Riz: Goldenhoard's not on here.

1:05:52 Fig: What is the consequence of him not being on there?

1:05:55 Riz: He's not on the payroll.

1:05:56 Kristen: Shit.

1:05:57 Fabian: He's not the non-humanoid?

1:05:58 Riz: He's not, no.

1:05:59 Fig: Or he's not dragonborn.

1:06:01 Riz: Dragonborn is a humanoid. They're a race of people. Goldenhoard isn't on any of these lists. There is no dragonborn that works at the school.

1:06:10 Adaine: Oh shit.

1:06:11 Gorgug: Really?

1:06:12 Fig: So Goldenhoard isn't a dragonborn.

1:06:14 Gorgug: Wait, so he's, he said don't trust the faculty.

1:06:16 Riz: He was so mean. I thought he was mean so that meant he was a good guy. I don't know, he's not on the list. Anybody else can double check my work, there's no dragonborn. (hands the paper to Kristen)

1:06:21 Kristen: Fuck.

1:06:26 Brennan: Make a Intelligence check for me. Roll intelligence, we'll call it a DC 10 Intelligence check. (music ramping up in intensity)

1:06:32 Siobhan: I got an 18.

1:06:33 Brennan: 18? (woosh) (screen goes wobbly, flashback)

1:06:37 Goldenhoard: Now, I'm not sure if there's something medical going on here and that explains why you are having this panic attack, but I do have to give you detention, nonetheless. Kristen, could take you Watches and Wards to Principal Aguefort's office for me.

1:06:51 Kristen: Sure. (whooshes, flashback ends) The camera is showing Adaine, who is staring, looking alarmed.

1:06:53 Brennan: Memory of your very first day at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy.

1:06:56 Adaine: Kalvaxus can't touch the book, and he had you take the book. Oh my God.

1:07:02 Brennan: You guys sprint to Goldenhoard's office. It's locked, I assume—

1:07:05 Siobhan: Smash it in.

1:07:09 Ally: I'm just muttering an Inspiring Speech to help us with our hit points.

1:07:12 Brennan: Sure.

1:07:13 Lou: Straight up.

1:07:14 Ally: But no one really has to pay attention to me. I'm just over here like,

1:07:18 Kristen: I didn't think I would make friends like this. It feels like a movie almost.

1:07:23 Emily: I can be like,

1:07:23 Fig: What are you saying? Speak up, what?

1:07:26 Kristen: It's like a lot of HP which is why I'm bothering everyone. Please go on with what you were doing. I'll just be over here for 10 minutes.

1:07:34 Fabian: Okay that's fine.

1:07:37 Riz: Kick it in.

1:07:39 Lou: I'm assuming me and Gorgug do some kind of cool, tag team–

1:07:40 Zac: We nod at each other,

1:07:42 Lou: (nodding) like, yeah? Yeah. (boom!)

1:07:44 Brennan: It's a full Bad Boys 2. (bam)

1:07:47 Lou: POD starts playing. (air guitar)

1:07:49 Brennan: (laughing) Yeah, exactly.

1:07:52 Emily: Actually, before we go there, I'm also going to play Countercharm as we run in there. So that we all have advantage on being frightened or charmed in case there is any kind of charm trap.

1:08:04 Kristen: It’s like your family is just your family. That's who you are born into but friends--

1:08:09 Brennan: You guys bust the fucking door down. (boom) (music stops) Make Investigation checks. You see Goldenhoard's office here.

1:08:16 Kristen: And I love you guys.

1:08:21 Ally: 11.

1:08:21 Emily: I got 19.

1:08:22 Siobhan: I got a 20, not nat.

1:08:25 Murph: (shakes his head) 14.

1:08:26 Lou: (holding up two fingers and smirking) 2.

1:08:27 Emily: 19.

1:08:29 Brennan: You guys are (shuffling), scrounge scrounge, bam bam bam bam bam, going through, pulling things apart. You go and you find a little secret drawer under the desk. You pull the drawer open. (clicks) You find a scroll case (handing pieces of paper to Siobhan) and you find a crumpled up piece of paper as though from a waste paper bin.

1:08:55 Adaine: Guys, I think I found our trash.

1:08:56 Riz: Fuck.

1:08:57 Gorgug: Alright.

1:08:58 Brennan: The scroll case is the first thing you find. So I might do the scroll case.

1:09:04 Adaine: (reading the paper) A powerful spell scroll, its magic long since used. Aged parchment and ensorcelled ink. Enchantment runes, deep divination runes, a powerful quest spell in Arthur Aguefort's personal lingua arcana.

1:09:18 Brennan: That's a description of what your, that's what your Detect Magic is telling you that information about the object. Here's the text on it. Onscreen is an aged scroll, with the following text written on it:

1:09:24 Adaine: (reading) “I invoke the nine winds. I invoke the thirteen sigils. I invoke the 69 glyphs of binding. Kalvaxus, in defeat, your opponents have elected to show you mercy. That you might learn from the error of your ways. To that end, I bind you. You will repay the land you have wronged by serving to restore its future. Thus shall your task be to steward all the generations of Solace's heroes yet to come. I lay this quest upon you. That you will remain by my side as long as I live.” When she pauses reading, she looks up in startled realization.

1:09:53 Riz: Yeah, he's bound to the school--

1:09:55 Adaine: (reading) “You shall relinquish your mighty form, such that you may walk among the two-legged folk, as one of us. You shall be parted from your treasure, never to hold wealth again. And you shall never kill another Solesian as long as this binding stands. Oh, and one more thing, you have to make sure that I always have tea on hand. Mix it up to, I get bored if, Oh mix it up to, I get,” sorry there's a, not very good at spelling, Arthur Aguefort. Brennan shrugs.

1:10:24 Adaine: “Mix it up too, I get bored if I always drink the same type of tea, surprise me. I'll drink anything you give me, literally. I am not picky. Karam-Kajam! I bind you!”

1:10:35 Fig: So, he is, so Kalvaxus is Goldenhoard.

1:10:37 Riz: (at the same time) is Goldenhoard.

1:10:39 Adaine: Yeah.

1:10:40 Fabian: Also, Arthur Aguefort is terrible at punishing people.

1:10:43 Adaine: Really bad.

1:10:44 Riz: All of his choices are so spicy. He makes everything so spicy, like.

1:10:46 Fig: Why would he kill himself?

1:10:48 Adaine: To be fair, I don't think I would want to be a teacher for all eternity.

1:10:51 Riz: It’s a bad punishment, but built in is that he had to be alive, which is a bad idea.

1:10:53 Fig: He killed himself knowing that he was leaving Kalvaxus.

1:10:56 Riz: I think he's like sort of a wild card.

1:11:00 Adaine: Well the second thing is a prophecy. “A prophecy as dictated by the Oracle Eleminthindriel to their paramour, the wizard Arthur Aguefort, mere moments after the binding of Kalvaxus.” Onscreen is another ancient scroll, with gold bindings and with the following written on it: (tense music)

1:11:13 Adaine: “When Kalvaxus once again beholds his glittering treasure and seven maidens once more are chained at the mouth of his lair. When war befalls the realm and a king and queen are crowned anew in Solace. Then will the Emperor of the Red Waste be released from bondage. His destruction will know no bounds. The sun shall fall from the heavens and the world as we know it shall perish forever.” Well that's bad.

1:11:26 Fig: The king—

1:11:39 Gorgug: The emperor is Kalvaxus?

1:11:40 Riz: Yup.

1:11:41 Adaine: Yes.

1:11:42 Fig: So Goldenrod is Kalvaxus bound and then—

1:11:46 Adaine: The Emperor of the Red Wastes served Kalvaxus.

1:11:49 Brennan: No, the Emperor of the Red Wastes is Kalvaxus.

1:11:52 Fig: So Goldenrod is a bound Kalvaxus, and this prophecy is saying that if a king or queen aka a prom king or queen are crowned–

1:11:56 Kristen: Fuck.

1:12:01 Riz: And they’ve got their seven maidens.

1:12:02 Fig: And they have seven virgins at the mouth of--

1:12:03 Kristen: There are definitely going to be seven virgins at prom.

1:12:04 Riz: How many virgins do we know that they have right now.

1:12:07 Adaine: Seven, they have seven.

1:12:08 Riz: They have seven exactly?

1:12:09 Kristen: No, you're right.

1:12:10 Adaine: Yeah, they definitely do.

1:12:11 Fig: They have Zelda --

1:12:12 Brennan: It’s Katya, Antiope, Penelope, Penny, Danielle, Sam, Ostentatia, Zelda.

1:12:18 Riz: Just making sure one of us wasn't part of the plan so we knew that ahead of time going in.

1:12:22 Kristen: Okay.

1:12:22 Gorgug: We all fuck.

1:12:23 Riz: Because that would be a fucking twist if--

1:12:25 Adaine: I mean none of us are virgins obviously.

1:12:26 Fig: Yeah, we all do it. We do it. (Adaine makes unconvincing agreeing noises)

1:12:31 Kristen: Everyone add 11 hit points for my amazingly inspiring speech.

1:12:33 Riz: Thank you.

1:12:35 Adaine: Where is his lair? Can I cast Locate Creature?

1:12:39 Goldenhoard: (over a squeaking PA) Welcome, welcome.

1:12:40 Adaine: Oh, nevermind.

1:12:42 Riz: (whispering, offscreen) Well, fuuuuuuuck.

1:12:43 Goldenhoard: One and all, to your final day at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy.

1:12:49 Adaine: Who told you that, an oracle?

1:12:52 Brennan: (laughs) You see the PA system is blaring in the school. (tense music)

1:12:58 Goldenhoard: You know, the funny thing about adventuring parties that I never understood was how so many people could operate under the delusion that we have loyalty to each other. My kind has always understood that you are born alone and die alone.

1:13:24 Brennan: Your phones start pinging left and right. (notifications)

1:13:26 Kristen: Fuck.

1:13:28 Goldenhoard: You see, when push comes to shove, I imagine you'll make the selfish choice.

1:13:36 Brennan: You guys see videos of fires being set to the Faeth home, the Thistlespring tree, the Abernant home, the Seacaster manor, the Applebees residence, and Strongtower Luxury Apartments.

1:13:49 Adaine: Between our houses and the world, you expect to choose our houses?

1:13:54 Goldenhoard: Perhaps then your parents will be glad in their deaths knowing that you doomed them.

1:14:01 Lou: I break from the party and run.

1:14:03 Emily: I run to the Faeth house 'cause isn't that where my mom is?

1:14:06 Lou: I call for the Hangman to meet me at the school. (engine revs)

1:14:09 Emily: Maybe I'll just, yeah I'm going to run to the Faeth house. I'm just going to say,

1:14:14 Fig: Look, we'll meet back up, it’s gonna be at fucking prom, I'll see you at prom.

1:14:17 Fabian: I'll see you all at prom. This is not—

1:14:19 Riz: How long do we have?

1:14:22 Brennan: It's about 45 minutes till prom.

1:14:25 Fig: But it’s going to be a while before the prom king and queen—

1:14:27 Kristen: I kind of what to check out the, IT,

1:14:33 Gorgug: Let's burn down the gym and go. (laughter)

1:14:36 Fig: Oh that's a good idea.

1:14:37 Brennan: You (Gorgug) get a call on your phone. You hear screaming and you hear,

1:14:41 Thistlesprings: (scared) Bud, are you nearby? There's something going on at the house.

1:14:44 Zac: I tear off, I'm coming.

1:14:48 Murph: Alright, I guess we all go to our separate houses?

1:14:50 Kristen: No, I'm going to check out, where did all of the palimpsests go again?

1:14:55 Adaine: Yeah, I'll go with you to the AV room.

1:14:58 Siobhan: I text my mom on the way,

1:15:01 Adaine: so you should probably leave. (Brennan laughing)

1:15:04 Riz: I'm going to go, I guess I go to Strongtower and your—

1:15:09 Brennan: Rad. Home, home, home, home, you guys (Kristen and Adaine) go to the AV room.

1:15:14 Adaine: Cool. Girl power. (holds out her fist to Kristen)

1:15:15 Kristen: Girl power. (fistbumps)

1:15:16 Brennan: I'm going to need you guys to make an investigation check when you get to the AV room.

1:15:20 Siobhan: Great. (rolling)

1:15:23 Ally: 11.

1:15:24 Siobhan: Investigation, I got a 25.

1:15:26 Brennan: (impressed) Jesus Christ! You bust into the AV room. You sit down. All the shit that fucking Biz and all those guys were like, (nasally nerd voice) there's actually a lot going on. Siobhan imitates hacker typing.

1:15:37 Brennan: Yeah you're in immediately. Effortless. (clicking and wooshing) First of all, you find a bunch of deleted stuff. They, apparently, someone maybe, someone who didn't know crystals too well went and deleted this stuff and didn't fully delete it. It's like sitting in a trashcan.

1:15:54 Adaine: (typing) Old people, stupid.

1:15:56 Brennan: (laughing) You see, first of all, you catch something of Goldenhoard at his desk a couple of weeks ago writing something on a legal pad that you see here. (hands a paper to Siobhan)

1:16:12 Adaine: So much reading today.

1:16:13 Emily: I know. The image on the screen is of a yellow notepad with all-caps handwriting of the following text, signed “VPG”:

1:16:15 Adaine: (reading) “Dear Mr. Fallowglade, If you would be so kind, a student's rat familiar has gone missing somewhere in Elmville. If you wouldn't mind summoning a few owls and cats to help track it down. Its swift recovery is of the upmost importance.” I hate this guy so much.

1:16:33 Kristen: Yeah but we should text Riz and let him know that the rat is really important.

1:16:38 Adaine: Yeah.

1:16:39 Kristen: Can we do that?

1:16:40 Brennan: Sure.

1:16:41 Ally: I just ping Riz.

1:16:43 Murph: Yup, I got Edgar with me. Text,

1:16:44 Riz: wasn't planning on letting him die, but now I'll be extra careful.

1:16:48 Kristen: Don't let anyone take him from you.

1:16:49 Brennan: You see a couple of other things, the two other huge things on the crystal recordings is the supposedly deleted, the night that the seven, weeks ago when you guys were at the arcade. The seven missing girls all (electronic chiming) appearing in their bodies again with preset chains around them. You see video of them at night being taken out to the loading dock back by the kitchens in school and loaded into an airport shuttle.

1:17:19 Adaine: Airport shuttle? God damn.

1:17:21 Brennan: You see as well,

1:17:24 Kristen: Oh that one bus right?

1:17:25 Emily: They're probably at the emperor, they’re probably at the Red Waste or wherever the prophecy said.

1:17:33 Siobhan: I mean it's--

1:17:35 Zac: It didn't say the location specific.

1:17:36 Siobhan: Once he beholds his glittering treasure and their chained to the mouth of his lair, wherever the fuck that is.

1:17:41 Emily: That's got to be in the Red Waste, right? If they're going to an airport shuttle, probably flew them to the Red Wastes.

1:17:44 Murph: Fuck.

1:17:47 Brennan: Adaine, you notice something interesting. There are a handful of feeds in the AV room. Streams from cameras. In no way, does it even close to approach, the number of cameras you have seen at the school.

1:18:05 Adaine: That's weird, where are all of the other cameras. There's like a camera in every hallway, right?

1:18:10 Kristen: Yeah. Which wouldn't be this many?

1:18:14 Brennan: You see Porter Cliffbreaker, the earth genasi barbarian, striding towards the AV room. As he approaches saying,

1:18:23 Porter: (deep, raspy, un-posh British accent) Now, not supposed to be students wandering around in the school after—

1:18:32 Brennan: (whooshing). And his entire body is sucked into one of the cameras.

1:18:38 Adaine: Oh my God.

1:18:39 Siobhan: I text to Fig:

1:18:39 Adaine: also, I don't think Porter is a bad guy.

1:18:42 Fig: No, I'm pretty sure he is a bad guy. Make sure you get him. Don't worry I'm going to be on him all of tonight.

1:18:48 Adaine: I don't have to get him. He's already in a palimpsest.

1:18:50 Brennan: You see teachers all over the school grounds getting sucked into what are disguised as cameras, but are actually crystal palimpsests.

1:18:54 Kristen: Whoa.

1:18:59 Adaine: That's so sneaky.

1:19:01 Brennan: We're going to move right along, gang.

1:19:05 Kristen: Crap, I want to stake out the gym a little bit. I dunno. Are you good at stealth?

1:19:06 Adaine: No.

1:19:08 Brennan: What are you guys do after the AV room?

1:19:10 Ally: We are both fucking terrible with stealth. I have a negative 3.

1:19:13 Murph: You have Invisibility, right.

1:19:14 Siobhan: But it only lasts for a minute.

1:19:17 Murph: Get near the thing and then look at it.

1:19:18 Siobhan: Is there an upper level to the gym.

1:19:20 Brennan: Kristen you get a call, by the way, after a minute or two of being in the AV room from your mother.

1:19:25 Ally: Okay, yeah.

1:19:26 Brennan: She goes,

1:19:26 Donna: Kristen, there's people here at the house. Do you know anything about this?

1:19:29 Kristen: Oh, no, Mom, uh, are you guys okay? What are they saying?

1:19:32 Donna: They're attacking! They’re burning the house down!

1:19:34 Kristen: Oh no. (metal clashing, battle sounds)

1:19:38 Kristen: Try to get out.

1:19:39 Donna: Try to get out!

1:19:40 Kristen: I don't know. How, uh, pray!

1:19:43 Brennan: You hear the voice of Bricker, your little brother say,

1:19:45 Bricker: Help me!

1:19:49 Kristen: Shit, I have to go. (Lou laughs and claps)

1:19:50 Kristen: You just be, go invisible and check out the gym.

1:19:54 Adaine: It only lasts for a minute and then I can't use it again.

1:19:55 Kristen: Okay, I'm calling an Uber. (Murph laughing)

1:19:58 Kristen: You use the minute to go look at as much shit as you can. Jump in the Uber with me, come to my house.

1:20:03 Adaine: (panicking a little) Ahhhhh, okay.

1:20:04 Kristen: Look, Rodolfo will be here in two minutes in a Honda Civic. (Murph and Lou laughing)

1:20:12 Kristen: Use one of those minutes, go.

1:20:14 Brennan: Do you rush over to the gym?

1:20:16 Adaine: Yeah I would like to poke my head in the gym, invisible.

1:20:18 Brennan: It looks beautiful.

1:20:18 Siobhan: Oh, Goddamn it.

1:20:18 Brennan: Nice purple declarations. The theme is A Night to Remember, with a K. (grinning) A Knight to Remember.

1:20:25 Zac: (rolls his eyes) Oh okay.

1:20:26 Siobhan: Are there crowns in there, can I see the crowns?

1:20:28 Emily: I was going to say, steal the crowns.

1:20:29 Brennan: Make an investigate check.

1:20:34 Siobhan: Uh, 23.

1:20:35 Brennan: Crowns are not in here.

1:20:38 Siobhan: Shit, okay.

1:20:40 Brennan: Invisibility fades.

1:20:41 Kristen: Hop in! I'm so sorry, she was going to be right here.

1:20:43 Adaine: I'm so sorry.

1:20:44 Rodolfo the Uber Driver: It’s okay, 'cause you're not doing a share so it's just you know the more time.

1:20:49 Adaine: Okay, we got to go.

1:20:50 Kristen: I just always hate to make you wait.

1:20:51 Rodolfo: It's fine with me.

1:20:52 Adaine: We got to go.

1:20:52 Kristen: Oh yeah, my whole family is on fire.

1:20:54 Rodolfo: (strangely calm) Oh they're being attacked and killed? (car peels out)

1:20:57 Brennan: You see that his car begins to fly through the air. Whoa!

1:21:02 Kristen: Yo, Rodolfo man, this is great!

1:21:05 Rodolfo: I actually am waiting to sign up for plus because I should be able to do-

1:21:08 Kristen: You should.

1:21:09 Rodolfo: Because the car is nice enough that it doesn't make sense that I'm--

1:21:09 Kristen: This is gorgeous. This is great.

1:21:11 Rodolfo: For sure. Do you need help fighting?

1:21:13 Kristen: Yeah.

1:21:13 Adaine: Yeah.

1:21:14 Rodolfo: Would you mind giving me five stars?

1:21:15 Adaine: Oh my God, definitely.

1:21:15 Kristen: Yeah, and I'm going to give you a gem, they have that now.

1:21:19 Rodolfo: (excited) Really?

1:21:19 Ally: I give you a gem, and then I say,

1:21:20 Kristen: Great car, cool tunes.

1:21:21 Rodolfo: Awesome, love it.

1:21:23 Brennan: You see that, you guys fly through the air. I'm going to explain what's going to happen now. (Lou sighs audibly)

1:21:32 Siobhan: Oh shit. (puts her head in her hands)

1:21:33 Brennan: You're all rushing towards your homes as they come under attack. You rush forward on the Hangman, Fabian. You (Fig) head to the Faeth home. You're all sprinting as fast as you can. These battles are going to occur, but we're not going to run them like traditional battles because you're all off on your own separately and not all together. So, what's going to happen is this, I have the Box of Doom here with me. I'm going to roll it over here. (tense Box of Doom music)

1:22:08 Brennan: On a 1 through a 6, something truly terrible happens. On a 7 through a 14, something bad happens. On a 15 through a 20, things are okay. If you elect to go fight to help your family, to go fight and try to save them. You will give up half of your current hit points, you will give up 14 spell levels, and you will, if you do that I will make the roll with advantage. Lou is shaking his head.

1:22:47 Ally: Fourteen spell levels, what do you mean by that?

1:22:49 Brennan: In other words, a first level spell slot is one. A second level spell slot, it counts for two. A third level spell slot counts for three, and you need to get up to fourteen.

1:22:58 Ally: I don't even know if I have that.

1:22:59 Siobhan: Yeah, I know.

1:23:00 Murph: I wasn't planning to fight. I was going to try to hide, sneak in. I wanted to get Sklonda and Gilear in my bag of holding and then teleport out with my sword.

1:23:15 Brennan: I can dig it. The challenges that await for you narratively are represented by this roll of the dice. So—

1:23:20 Murph: Got it, okay. So we're all going to help, right?

1:23:24 Emily: I need to do some kind of Insight check first.

1:23:28 Brennan: Okay.

1:23:29 Emily: Because I am undecided on my mom. Because at first, I felt like I, oh maybe she's a good person, but now I maybe feel like she's part of this ruby plot.

1:23:37 Brennan: Go ahead and give me an insight check.

1:23:42 Emily: (rolls) 14. (emotional acoustic guitar music)

1:23:48 Brennan: (sighs) Your mom has never lived up to the standard you put on her of making your life good and perfect. She never was able to protect you from all harm and suffering in the world. And maybe that's not fair. And she's probably just a person, and those photos make it look like--

1:24:12 Emily: She's a complex person. She's allowed to be.

1:24:15 Brennan: Yup.

1:24:18 Zac: Yeah.

1:24:19 Brennan: You’re all doing it.

1:24:20 Zac: Yeah, we’re all, yeah.

1:24:20 Siobhan: Since I'm with Kristen, can we take half of that each?

1:24:26 Ally: A quarter each, just to help my family and let her family burn.

1:24:31 Siobhan: I don't fucking give a shit. They probably not even there. Our families are at war, and they're probably not even there.

1:24:34 Brennan: I will say, you (Kristen) have to give half to get advantage on the roll. You (Siobhan) don't have to give half, but if you want to I will roll three d20 and do advantage that way.

1:24:42 Siobhan: Okay.

1:24:49 Zac: Yeah, I'm doing it for sure.

1:24:51 Emily: I mean I have to do it, I don’t know how I don't do it.

1:24:55 Siobhan: Okay well I would like to use my 18 divination roll on Kristen's family, so we don't have to deal with it. Onscreen, the entire cast (except Adaine) have their health bars drop to half.

1:25:02 Murph: Dope.

1:25:03 Brennan: Cool, awesome.

1:25:04 Ally: Cool.

1:25:06 Brennan: And you're not rolling for your family, corect?

1:25:08 Siobhan: Fuck 'em.

1:25:09 Brennan: Fuck 'em, cool.

1:25:10 Zac: Oh my god.

1:25:12 Adaine: They didn't call me, they didn't come and visit me in prison, they started a war to get my sister out and didn't come to see me.

1:25:20 Ally: I'm going to give up half of mine for her family.

1:25:22 Adaine: No, don't do that!

1:25:22 Brennan: Okay, go for it.

1:25:24 Adaine: Fuck my family.

1:25:26 Kristen: Just, your mom was nice.

1:25:27 Brennan: Alright guys, I'm going to start making some rolls, gang. Here we go. (tense dramatic music) (Brennan rolling several times)

1:25:50 Lou: (groans) This is the worst thing I've ever been a part of. This moment right now. Having to listen to these dice rattle around in that box.

1:26:00 Zac: It's almost better than watching it.

1:26:01 Siobhan: Rattle, rattle, type, type, type. Rattle rattle.

1:26:03 Ally: Yeah.

1:26:04 Lou: Ugh, this is like one of those scenes where they slow mo the judges gavel like hitting it. (sighs)

1:26:18 Emily: I was wondering why my mom came to visit me and humanized herself and this is exactly why.

1:26:23 Lou: (laughs) So that you would feel this pain right now.

1:26:25 Emily: Yes, 'cause otherwise I probably would have let her go. (sigh) This is devastating.

1:26:32 Lou: (distressed) What if my family dies? What if my fucking family dies?

1:26:35 Siobhan: Your dad is buff.

1:26:35 Murph: Your dad is the fucking bad guy.

1:26:38 Lou: He's still my fucking dad, okay.

1:26:42 Brennan: Okay. I will now describe what happens. (Lou wheezes)

1:26:51 Siobhan: This is horrifying.

1:26:52 Ally: This is so bad.

1:26:54 Brennan: It couldn't have been any other way.

1:26:59 Gorgug: I feel like it could’ve been something else.

1:27:01 Siobhan: It could have been. I wish for a magical ice cream to happen right at this moment.

1:27:06 Emily: Guys, what's going to happen when we find out our parents died and ice cream appears in our hand.

1:27:10 Brennan: You guys rush all over town as fast as you can. Fig, you arrive at the Faeth home. You see that there are lizardfolk, orcs, troglodytes, hobgoblins. All wearing armor and red sashes. All with the emblem of the Emperor of the Red Wastes. They have all journeyed—

1:27:38 Fig: Dang, they're already organized with costumes? That's bad.

1:27:43 Brennan: You slash and fight your way through them. You fucking wreck house, you (boom) hit some power cords, cast spells. You get into the home to find Sandra Lynn lying on the ground. Blood coming from her head. Her griffin is outside helping you fight, and she is unconscious.

1:28:15 Emily: Well I'll heal her.

1:28:19 Brennan: (gasps and coughs) Sandra Lynn uses her bow and arrow to fight.

1:28:22 Brennan: She hits two more of these enemy combatants out on the lawn. Stands up.

1:28:30 Sandra Lynn: (coughing) Fig! Are you okay?

1:28:33 Fig: Mom, much more importantly are you okay? I'm looking in way better shape than you.

1:28:36 Sandra Lynn: You're looking great. How are you doing?

1:28:37 Fig: Thank you (stutters) for noticing. Yeah no I'm good. Well I was until I found out that you're, look, I'm really sorry that I prioritized my dads over you. You're allowed to be a complex person.

1:28:51 Brennan: She sweeps you up in a hug and kisses you. You see she says,

1:28:55 Sandra Lynn: Love you so much.

1:28:56 Fig: (shaky) 'Kay.

1:28:58 Sandra Lynn: You're a good daughter. Everything you're doing now is something I get, I was just like you.

1:29:06 Fig: (crying) Sorry, I thought you were about to die. (Ally “awws”)

1:29:09 Fig: (wiping a tear) I felt very bad. (Ally yells)

1:29:13 Brennan: She looks and says,

1:29:15 Sandra Lynn: Okay. We're going to be okay. Do you know, is this about the missing girls? Is this about them somehow? What's going on with them?

1:29:24 Fig: Yeah. I think that they are part of bringing the Red Emperor, Kalvaxus, back.

1:29:29 Sandra Lynn: (pressing a hand to her temple) Okay, that's in the Ranger's Handbook somewhere, I can look that up.

1:29:31 Fig: Yes, and I believe that seven maidens, they're all virgins, I believe they've all been transported somewhere that's part of a prophecy about how to bring him back.

1:29:39 Sandra Lynn: Where, do you know exactly where?

1:29:40 Fig: His lair. I don't know if that means the Red Waste or if he has some sort of portable lair, but he needs his riches to be around and--

1:29:47 Brennan: She says,

1:29:47 Sandra Lynn: Airport, okay. It could be the Red Waste. There's a closer place, there's a place that you can't get to walking, it’s up in the mountains. Are your friends in trouble too?

1:30:00 Fig: Yeah.

1:30:01 Sandra Lynn: Go to your friends.

1:30:01 Brennan: She kisses you on the cheek, she says,

1:30:03 Sandra Lynn: I'm going to go find those girls.

1:30:05 Brennan: She grabs her bow and swan dives through the window and lands on her griffin’s back and takes off into the sky.

1:30:11 Sandra Lynn: (yelling) If they are where I think they are I'll be back in as close to a hour and a half as I can. You got them, sweetheart.

1:30:18 Fig: Come back to the prom.

1:30:19 Sandra Lynn: The prom?

1:30:19 Fig: Wear a dress or a tux. I'll wear a tux.

1:30:21 Sandra Lynn: Are you wearing that?

1:30:23 Fig: No, no, no, I have a little blazer and maybe a tie.

1:30:26 Sandra Lynn: You look so cute in that tie, sweetie.

1:30:27 Lou: Oh my— (putting his hand over his heart)

1:30:28 Fig: Thank you.

1:30:29 Sandra Lynn: Alright, let's do this.

1:30:31 Brennan: (whoosh) Takes off. (Ally and Lou groaning)

1:30:34 Ally: This is going to be a nightmare. That was number one.

1:30:38 Lou: My heart. (coughing) Goddamn it.

1:30:40 Zac: One out of the way at least.

1:30:42 Lou: That was the most beautiful thing I've ever thought. I had to create mental images for my own head. Ohhh. (clearly deeply affected)

1:30:52 Brennan: Riz. (tense dramatic music) Lou and Ally both put their hands to their faces and groan in sympathy. Murph bites his nails.

1:30:59 Brennan: You see Strongtower Luxury Apartments up in flames. You sneak your way in as fast as you can. Sneak attack who you can (thwump) you're done. You know this building so well at this point. You dip all the way up into your apartment. Where you see, the apartment is completely burnt. (whoosh, crackling flames) Fire everywhere. You fought your way up through here. You get up as far as you can. You see there are charred bodies here in the room.

1:31:44 Emily: (gasps, whispering) Oh no...

1:31:45 Brennan: Go ahead and make an Investigate check.

1:31:48 Murph: 27.

1:31:51 Brennan: As you step you hear, a familiar sounding arquebus cock in the secret room, the spy room of your apartment. Lou puts a hand over his heart again.

1:32:00 Riz: (calling out) Mom?

1:32:04 Sklonda: (gun cocking) Sweetie!

1:32:04 Lou: Oh!

1:32:04 Brennan: She comes out, kisses you, she says,

1:32:06 Sklonda: You're banged up, are you okay?

1:32:08 Riz: Yeah. Lou takes off his glasses and wipes sweat from his forehead and face, shaking his head.

1:32:09 Brennan: You see, walking out of the apartment with her–

1:32:17 Ally: This sucks!

1:32:18 Brennan: You see just straight up holding the leg of a chair is Gilear. (group laughs)

1:32:26 Emily: Ohhh, thank God!

1:32:28 Riz: Honestly, I was more worried about you, Gilear. I figured Mom would be okay.

1:32:31 Brennan: He says,

1:32:31 Gilear: I hit someone across the head with this. I have never struck another being in anger before. I didn't fully relieve myself, but a little came out.

1:32:48 Riz: (laughing) That's okay Gilear you did a really good job. The whole cast has been laughing since Gilear was revealed to be alright.

1:32:50 Gilear: I am so sad and scared.

1:32:52 Emily: Invite him to prom.

1:32:54 Riz: Do you want to come to prom, Gilear?

1:32:55 Gilear: No, I want nothing more than to hide in a deep hole, eat my turkey crackers, have a big tub of yogurt, and simply never show my face again.

1:33:01 Riz: Okay, great. Mom—

1:33:06 Brennan: You see your mom says,

1:33:08 Sklonda: Sweetie, what the fuck is going on?

1:33:10 Riz: Okay, so, Kalvaxus is coming back. He has seven maidens. Apparently, Dragonhorn? Goldenhoard, the vice principal at the school who became the principal, is apparently Kalvaxus. At tonight when they make a new prom king and prom queen they’ll sacrifice the girls and the prophecy, he'll be free.

1:33:33 Brennan: She goes,

1:33:33 Sklonda: (stuttering) Okay, shit. What do you need me to do?

1:33:39 Riz: Well, you can't get up to the mountains to help the people, so do you want to… Do you want go to prom with me, Mom?

1:33:46 Sklonda: Kiddo, I was so afraid you'd ask. (group laughs)

1:33:50 Riz: I honestly, you know—

1:33:52 Brennan: You see that she grabs the thing, she says,

1:33:54 Sklonda: (pager beep) Calling all cars, calling all cars. We're going to need all squad, all squad, on the gymnasium at Arthur Aguefort Adventuring Academy pronto!

1:34:05 Brennan: You hear something come over the speaker going,

1:34:10 Agent Worrel: (static) This is Agent Worrel, what exactly—

1:34:12 Brennan: Your mom goes,

1:34:12 Sklonda: (beep) Hey, Angela? Why don't you fucking cram it? This is Elmville, baby!

1:34:18 Brennan: Your mom cocks the gun, grabs another gun—

1:34:22 Riz: Dope! (he and Sklonda high five)

1:34:22 Brennan: She’s like,

1:34:22 Sklonda: Alright! You head there now I'm going to get the cruisers ready. I'll meet you there.

1:34:25 Riz: Right on.

1:34:26 Brennan: You see, we're going to cut over now to the (looking at Gorgug)--

1:34:29 Lou: (hiding his face in Ally’s shoulder) I can't do this.

1:34:30 Kristen: This one I can't.

1:34:30 Siobhan: They’re so cute… Zac takes off his glasses and rubs his face.

1:34:33 Lou: I can't do this.

1:34:37 Brennan: We cut over to the Thistlespring tree. Which is engulfed in flame. (tense dramatic music) You don't hear any screaming. You don't hear any noise. Just the crackling of the fire. Lou has fully put his face onto the table.

1:35:01 Brennan: There are dead bodies around the outside of the tree.

1:35:06 Zac: I run inside the tree.

1:35:09 Brennan: You run past the flames that (whoosh) scour away at your body, injuring you terribly. (flames crackling) You land in the middle. Wilma and Digby both look at you and say, (music stops)

1:35:20 Thistlesprings: Hey, bud! Murph laughs. Everybody else groans. Zac has put his head fully down and his shoulders are shaking a little.

1:35:22 Emily: Oh my god.

1:35:24 Brennan: Your dad is in a little greasy undershirt with some kind of Tesla laser cannon. You mom has got a fleet of spinning gyros (spinning whooshes) around her with little like poison electro plasma guns. They say,

1:35:40 Thistlesprings: You wouldn't believe what just happened.

1:35:45 Gorgug: I, no. (laughs)

1:35:47 Brennan: She says,

1:35:47 Wilma: Woof, I tell ya. Those were some scary folks. Those were some nasty customers, I'll tell you that right now.

1:35:56 Gorgug: They're trying to bring Kalvaxus back at, it's complicated. They're trying to crown a king and queen at prom,

1:36:04 Zac: I explain everything. (Ally laughs)

1:36:05 Brennan: Your parents look at you and go,

1:36:05 Thistlesprings: Okay, okay.

1:36:09 Gorgug: We got to go.

1:36:10 Thistlesprings: Alright, that's fine.

1:36:11 Gorgug: I'm glad you’re alive.

1:36:14 Thistlesprings: Oh bud, we're glad you're alive.

1:36:16 Brennan: They kiss you on each cheek.

1:36:17 Thistlesprings: Listen, okay, here's the thing. You always got to be kind, you always got to try your best, and there is no sense in being a fucking pushover. (gun cocks) You understand? We might be small and we're real nice. We try to be kind to everybody, but if you come to the tree you better be ready to never fucking leave, you understand me? You understand.

1:36:42 Gorgug: Yeah.

1:36:43 Wilma: Okay. Hey this is how we do it bud. (group laughs)

1:36:48 Brennan: Wilma looks over at a little crystal screen, and you see she goes,

1:36:52 Wilma: Aw, dang! Hon, it looks like there is some kind of, I don't know, invading army coming in from. (beep beep) The satellite's picking something up. (to Gorgug) Your father and I launched a satellite. It was a whole production, I tell ya, you were in jail.

1:37:00 Gorgug: Yeah. (group laughtes)

1:37:08 Brennan: She says,

1:37:11 Wilma: I tell you what, this looks like a big problem. Digby and I, we're going to head out to the tank, and we'll take that out to the site of invading forces—

1:37:20 Gorgug: How long have we had a tank? I thought that was--

1:37:22 Wilma: What's that?

1:37:23 Gorgug: I just assumed that was something else.

1:37:24 Wilma: Well we just use it to mow the lawn, but yeah it’s a tank.

1:37:27 Gorgug: Oh, okay. Yeah, use the tank.

1:37:29 Wilma: So, we're going to take care of that invading army. Do you want to go help your pals with this prom thing? I'd hate for you to miss prom on your first year, bud.

1:37:36 Gorgug: That sounds good. Do you have any bombs I could have?

1:37:39 Wilma: You want some bombs? Sure, go over to the bomb chest, help yourself, knock yourself out.

1:37:43 Gorgug: Okay, I'll see you later.

1:37:44 Wilma: Alright, buddy (smooches) And just remember your song, okay.

1:37:52 Brennan: They both head out to a tank. You mom and dad each go,

1:37:56 Wilma: Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

1:37:57 Digby: Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Alright, I'll drive. You can get in the gunner.

1:38:01 Lou: Oh my god.

1:38:02 Brennan: And you see that your mom hops into the gunner, lights a little cigar, (tank engine) and this tank heads off.

1:38:10 Wilma: Bye kiddo, have a great time at prom, bud!

1:38:12 Gorgug: Bye.

1:38:13 Lou: That's too much.

1:38:13 Ally: This is too much.

1:38:15 Lou: I can't take all of this.

1:38:17 Ally: Oh, Jesus.

1:38:20 Lou: These are the sweetest, nicest, most beautiful moments ever.

1:38:26 Brennan: We cut over to the Applebees home.

1:38:29 Ally: Alright. (tense music)

1:38:33 Brennan: You gave an 18. You rush in. Your mom and dad have taken out a ton of the attackers. They have their halberd—

1:38:39 Donna and Mac Applebees: (halberd slashes) God damn—

1:38:46 Brennan: You rush in, one of your brothers is unconscious. Another brother is bleeding out. You cast your healing spells. After the slaughter concludes, you have healed your siblings. Your father looks at you and says,

1:39:07 Mac: (pants) You think these guys were illegals, what? (music stops) (laughter)

1:39:12 Emily: Jesus, we should have let them die.

1:39:12 Kristen: Dad, I think they, I think you need work. Hey, I'm going to go help my friend check on her house. Um… I wish you guys the best of luck, and I'm going to take the car.

1:39:33 Mac: What do you mean you're going to take the car?

1:39:35 Adaine: We’re gonna take the car.

1:39:36 Kristen: Bye!

1:39:37 Brennan: You get in the car and fucking peel out.

1:39:41 Adaine: I'm glad other people's parents suck.

1:39:42 Kristen: I'm so glad I have another friend who's parents suck.

1:39:46 Adaine: Right?

1:39:46 Kristen: Like just categorically suck.

1:39:48 Adaine: Just categorically suck, no questions asked.

1:39:50 Kristen: Hey, are you worried about your parents? Really I'm just worried about your mom.

1:39:54 Adaine: Honestly, I don't even know if they're in the country anymore.

1:39:56 Kristen: Yeah we'll see.

1:39:57 Adaine: I mean I guess we can check.

1:40:00 Brennan: You guys swing past the Abernant home. It has burned to the ground. It is gone. A quick Detect Magic from you shows that a powerful Teleport spell was cast here.

1:40:20 Adaine: (nods) Fucking cowards. (laughter)

1:40:28 Brennan: Fabian. You tear on the Hangman. (motorcycle engine) As fast as it will carry you. It holds a little palimpsest on the handlebars. You see it says,

1:40:45 Hangman: Master, your father William Seacaster, caught me spying on him. He asked me to give this to you.

1:40:56 Fabian: (stuttering) Oh, what, why?

1:41:01 Hangman: It is a message from him to you.

1:41:05 Lou: Can I play the message?

1:41:06 Brennan: As you are fucking (motorcycle engine) down Elmville's streets a little (ping) appears. You see your father, legs wide, sitting pitched forward saber at his side tricorner. He says, (sighs)

1:41:22 Bill: Well, hopefully this motorcycle of yours will be able to get you this message while you are in the brig. You're not much of a grappler, but damn that left hook, that's the money there, boy. I, eh, some of those were original teeth. Boyo, I'll tell you this true. (soulful piano music)

1:41:57 Bill: When you were pummeling me into unconsciousness, a thing no man has ever done and lived to tell, I had some time to think as your powerful fists were raining down on my head. On the eyepatch side, which is a low blow, and I'll credit you that. You're a fearsome warrior, remarkable athlete. You're nothing like me. And that's the most wonderful thing I can imagine. I never had any choice but to be fearsome because there was nothing in me heart worth admiring. I was a mad man and a layabout. I took from the world anything I could. You're different. I see the way your friends look at you. You don't command their fear, you command their respect. That's a feat I could never have pulled off. Not at your age. You're nothing like me, and when you were kicking the ever loving shit out of me I realized that's my deepest wish and it's the thing I most wanted when I came here. You done me proud, boy.

1:43:38 Bill: (click) Message ends, you arrive at Seacaster manor, in flames. You rush in. Not only these Red Wastes soldiers but humans with scarecrow masks on, Harvestmen. You rush through (clangs) You get into the chamber here, you hear screams down the, your mother's sensory deprivation egg and up on the balustrade of the captain's quarters.

1:44:14 Lou: The sensory deprivation egg.

1:44:18 Brennan: Making a choice between your mother and father you rush towards the sensory deprivation egg. You arrive there to see your mother's egg sealed, and you can see through the crystal silhouette of your mother drinking wine and Cathilda a whirling frenzy of blades. Tearing into the soldiers here.

1:44:45 Cathilda: Right, Master Fabian (slashes) could you lend a hand?

1:44:49 Fabian: Of course Cathilda.

1:44:52 Brennan: You lend a hand. You defend your mother's egg. The egg opens.

1:44:54 Hallariel: What is all of the hubbub? I am trying to relax.

1:44:58 Lou: I slap the wine out of my mother's hand.

1:45:01 Fabian: Get it together!

1:45:01 Lou: And I run off to find, to where my father was.

1:45:05 Brennan: You see your mother starts crying.

1:45:10 Fabian: Mama, I'm sorry but you have to fucking pull yourself together. You have to be some kind of person, alright. You can't just be a thing that lies around my house.

1:45:19 Lou: And then I tear off. (dramatic music, flames crackling)

1:45:25 Brennan: She stumbles over to this whip thin elven sword on the wall… before she gets there you're out of the room. You hear the shouts before you get to the room. And as you're almost there a figure steps out of the quarters, the captain's quarters. Harvestman mask, wearing a tux. You go back and forth (clangs) and this person fucking kicks you in the chest up against a wall. A flaming beam drops on your chest and brings you to the ground. This person slashes a decapitating blow. You twist your head as far as you can. The tip catches here and slices through bone and flesh and pulls your fucking eye right out of your head. Blood down the side of your face. Thinking you dead, the Harvestman in the tux moves away and you see your sword flashes up on the way out (shing) and tries to kill this assailant. Pierces all the way through that assailant's left hand. (grunts) Looks back at you (crashes) another collapse in between you. This figure darts away. You hear noise of battle from the next room. (screams, clashing steel) I'm going to need you to make an Athletics check, DC 25.

1:47:08 Siobhan: (whispering) Jesus fucking christ.

1:47:09 Lou: With, uh--

1:47:10 Brennan: No advantage.

1:47:14 Lou: It, Athletics?

1:47:15 Brennan: Yeah.

1:47:17 Lou: (shakes his head) 22.

1:47:19 Brennan: Go ahead and make it again.

1:47:22 Lou: Nat 1.

1:47:24 Brennan: (grunts) Beam sinks deeper--

1:47:24 Murph: Aren't you lucky?

1:47:26 Lou: I am lucky, I would like to roll again. (to Murph) Thank you.

1:47:28 Brennan: Cool, yeah, go for it.

1:47:32 Lou: 21.

1:47:33 Brennan: You end up squirming your way out after the sounds of battle have stopped in the next room. (rolling die) You take an additional 5 points of damage. In the next room, the blood is coursing down your face from your injury. You step into the next room. The place is littered with bodies. People have been shot directly in the asshole. (Lou laughs)

1:48:02 Brennan: People have been hoisted up by ropes, like chandelier ropes, double noose hoisted up together. Tons of people have had their belts slashed so their pants go around their ankle and then been kicked in the nuts and shot in the top of the head. A carnival of violence has occurred in this room. Zac and Siobhan both have their faces in their hands to varying degrees.

1:48:23 Brennan: You see easily, on the balustrade and in the chamber and the gardens outside, having been kicked or thrown off, maybe 60 dead men. And your father has taken a manacle and sometime in the battle manacled himself to the top of a bed post so that he could stay standing and keep fighting. Blood is oozing out of him. He is making death saving throws, and looks up at you, saber in his hand. (woeful music)

1:49:12 Bill: (smiling a little) There he is, my darling boy.

1:49:16 Fabian: (whispering) Papa. I, fantastic work.

1:49:27 Bill: Oh you like my craftsmanship do you?

1:49:30 Fabian: Lot of shots to the asshole. (laughs)

1:49:35 Bill: You give them one in the brown eye and they’ll never forget you.

1:49:39 Fabian: Papa.

1:49:43 Bill: Do you mind taking me down off the post boy?

1:49:45 Fabian: Of course.

1:49:47 Brennan: You take him and put him down. He says,

1:49:50 Bill: I heard you go for your mama. That's a good boy. I would have slit you throat to stomach if you hadn't.

1:49:59 Fabian: Yeah, that's what I thought. Papa—

1:50:05 Bill: You're so much better looking than I am. I'm so glad that I married your mother.

1:50:09 Fabian: Stop, Papa. Papa, I haven't had sex with anyone. You've had sex with everyone. (laughter)

1:50:14 Brennan: He looks at you and says,

1:50:17 Bill: I had sex with a lot of people. It was always great.

1:50:21 Fabian: I'm sure you're fantastic.

1:50:22 Bill: I was good at it.

1:50:24 Fabian: Of course.

1:50:25 Bill: Everybody came.

1:50:27 Fabian: Okay, that's too much. That's a step too far.

1:50:36 Bill: (sighs and laughs) The bank, they done this, didn't they?

1:50:40 Fabian: You were working with them?

1:50:45 Bill: (shrugs a little) They lost their palimpsest supplier. And they needed another one. Seemed like a fun job. Get back into the criminal way, that sort. All the fun you were having, I didn't want my golden days to be (coughs) behind me.

1:51:02 Brennan: A big clot of blood comes up into his beard.

1:51:09 Bill: (sighs) Help me out to the balcony, boy.

1:51:13 Brennan: Comes out and says,

1:51:13 Bill: You write your name on the face of the world with your heroic deeds. I thought you were just going to be me. A way for me to live forever, but it's better than that. The story's going to get better with each new one.

1:51:40 Fabian: (quietly, a little shaky) Much better.

1:51:43 Bill: Your face there, boy.

1:51:45 Brennan: He takes his eye patch off. Hands it to you.

1:51:49 Lou: I take it, and then drive my sword deep into his heart.

1:51:55 Bill: That's the way you do it, boy! (strained) Now you get out of here because this is a new coat and it explodes when I die. (group laughter)

1:52:05 Fabian: Oh Papa, I thought it might.

1:52:07 Lou: I'd like to jump off the balcony. (pirate music)

1:52:09 Brennan: He flips his magical saber into the air. You leap.

1:52:18 Bill: (screaming) I shall leap into hell and kill the devil himself!

1:52:23 Brennan: (explosion) You are silhouetted by the explosion. Catch the sword of your father.

1:52:29 Lou: Can I call the Hangman to be in the area of my landing?

1:52:33 Brennan: Boom! Teen Wolf and you are out of there.

1:52:36 Ally: Oh my god, he could have survived!

1:52:40 Lou: He wouldn't have wanted to. Oh, and I'd also like to smash any evidence that my father ever had any sort of soft emotional feelings for me as his son.

1:52:51 Brennan: You shatter the palimpsest, and with that the legend of Bill Seacaster is preserved forever. Bloody streak across your face, eye patch covering it, the Sword of the Seacaster is this beautifully, basket hilt wrapped gilded sword at your side. You roar (motorcycle revving) on the Hangman across town as Gorgug, Fig, Adaine, Kristen, and Riz all rush to the prom. Coming across the grounds you hear music. They have a live band. (faint rock music) Festive merry making. Gorgug, with the school in your sight you see a little message shows up on your crystal. The message is a couple of days old, it got forwarded to you from your folks, who are now in the tank elsewhere, saying,

1:53:43 Thistlesprings: This got sent to your old email account, but we thought you might like it.

1:53:47 Brennan: From many weeks ago, you see a link from Zelda saying,

1:53:50 Zelda: I was thinking about you, and I made you a playlist, hope you like it.

1:53:55 Zac: Aw.

1:53:59 Siobhan: Aw, so much metal.

1:54:01 Zac: (to Brennan) Is that?

1:54:02 Brennan: (handing him a paper) Zelda's playlist.

1:54:04 Siobhan: (sweetly) Aww.

1:54:05 Brennan: On a nat 20, you knock your opponents prone while you are listening to the playlist.

1:54:09 Zac: (nodding, touched) Hell yeah, I put on my headphones.

1:54:12 Brennan: There's so many kinds of good metal here dude. You guys rush the front doors of the gymnasium. You burst through. An orcish band is playing up on the stage. As the doors swing you hear,

1:54:25 Prom Announcer: Presenting your prom king and queen, Penelope Everpetal and Dayne Blade!

1:54:33 Brennan: Students turn to look as you enter, the crowns are poised in the hands of the orcish band members, and Vice Principal Goldenhoard as the sole chaperone turns to look at you. I'm going to need everybody here to roll for initiative.

1:54:44 Zac: Advantage, right?

1:54:55 Emily: I got a 20.

1:54:56 Murph: You got a nat 20?

1:54:57 Emily: Oh sorry I got a nat 20.

1:54:58 Murph: (impressed laugh) Jesus.

1:54:59 Zac: I got a 20 as well because I have advantage.

1:55:01 Ally: I got— 18.

1:55:02 Brennan: And guys, that is it for this week on Fantasy High.

1:55:05 Ally: Ahhh!

1:55:08 Brennan: It's prom baby, see you next week. (epic fantasy music) [TO BE CONTINUED…] [NEXT EPISODE - Episode 16: Prompocalypse]

1:55:08 Captions extracted by: gluegunshots

1:55:08 Edited by: gluegunshots, rowan solsys